The Indie Film Cafe Movie Reviews!

Well, folks, I’m afraid we can put it off no longer: we have finally come to Die Hard Dracula, and hoooboy, what a colossal stinker it is! Those of you hoping for Bruce Willis wearing a cape flying around Nakatomi Plaza are going to be sorely disappointed – although you do get to see a flying coffin! It doesn’t help. Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe with Moody, yer old pal the MooCow, and special returning guest JoLynn (Jo), as they suffer through this 1998 Euro-stinker in the worst way. Technical issue made the sound not so good, sorry, Continuity Monkey is gonna get right on that!

Whining doofus Steve (Danny Sachen) looses his girl friend when she dies in a lake water skiing because safety is for nerds; he goes to Prague to recover (as you do…), then goes sightseeing in Morovia, where he crashes his car, the locals make fun of him, and he falls for a local Euro-babe so lonely and desperate that even a schlub like Steve seems like an improvement. Cowever, the area is haunted by the weirdest Dracula ever (played by 3 different actors), and scene-chewing Van Helsing (Bruce Glover, the only name in this flick!) have to duke it out, amidst blue vampire lightning, vampire fireballs, and a plethora of bad acting and special effects. And in the end it was all just a dream. Or was it?? Who the heck knows, the whole herd nearly tore the spots off their backs with this one! :=8o And its like 90 minutes!!!

Yeah. Czech Director Peter Horak was a stunt guy, and his was his first and only directing assignment – AND he wrote it too. EXPLAIN YOURSELF SIR!!! :=8O
Why three Draculas?? Why such a wimpy non-hero as the lead?? Danny Sachen makes Birdemic‘s Alan Bagh look like Sir Laurence Olivier! Small wonder he did not make an-udder moovie! Uhh, why the poor editing, the day-for-night scenes, the Casio-inspired FX?? Ok, I know he did stunts for Throw Momma From The Train, but did he toss himself as well, and bonk himself on the head?? I guess we’ll never know. But the Indie Film Cafe kids had a field day with this one, especially the ‘twist’ ending that is one of the all-time groaners.

10’s from Moody and the MooCow, straight up. Jo was a little bit moore kind-hearted (and is still a bit shell-shocked from udder moovies we have tortured her with), and awarded this feeble flick a 9, giving Die Hard Dracula a total Stink Score of 29 – that’s a Stinky Average of 9.7! Soooooo close to Stinky Heaven!!! In fact, on the Ladder of Stink this moovie nestles up nicely along with Actium Maximus and Robowoman at 29.

Check out the official trailer HERE. Watch this stinker for free on YOUTUBE. Or stream it on VHX.tv. You can git yer hooves on a dvd copy for cheapsies at Amazon, or at Oldies.com, Walmart, Target, Barnes & Noble, or for re-sale on Ebay. It is also part of a two-fer dvd, along with Girls’ Night out, if you can find it. Oldies.com has the kewl poster (the coolest thing about this moovie!). Or u can download a digital version of a less-kewl poster at MoviePosterDB. Tee shirts can be found at HorrorFilmTees.com (two even!). I Hope You Suffer podcast covers this flick as well, and they weren’t too kind about this flick either.

All in all, Die Hard Dracula is a fun, though feeble, vampire flick that will just drive you to drink…wine, or blood, or anything get the memory erased from your skull! Czech it out!
;=8)

Egads, the lil dead folks are TAKING OVER!!!
:=8O
Well, not really. But I guess Some Dopey Twentysomthings Scared By A Few Cheap, Low Budget Zombies and Hide in a House Until They Die was not going to make for a very exciting moovie title. The debate at Indie Film Cafe during the latest Episode during this film was if there really was a lil dead fellah or not? The MooCow says YES, Moody says NO, and special guest Jackey Hall basically says HUHwhatheheckisthis?? Tune in and check out all the hubbub!

Ok, so there ain’t much overly cowplicated to this low budget (supposedly only made for $2,000!) zombie cheapie from writer/director Glenn Berggoetz – known as the King of Indie Comedy! – There’s a hot tub party, there are some ‘college folks’, there is the ‘weird dude who knows what’s going on and warns everyone, but is ignored’, and finally there are some dead folks who show up for munchies; the MooCow is very disappointed to say there is no army of little dead folks descending onto the partiers, but if you don’t blink you might just be able to see one!

These are some straaaange, strange folks; they all seem too old to worry about partying when ‘the parents are out of town’, they never use their freakin’ phones to call for help, they have sex and smooch when there are zombies IN THE BUILDING, and pretty mooch no one acts as an actual bona fide living adult human. Its pretty mooch a live action cartoon, with almoost no violence or gore, and since there is almoost no little people as well….what exactly are we watching this for?? Oh yeah, because its a stinker! :=8D

And while Anita Nicole Brown has been in a handful of titles (including Leaf Blower Massacre 2!), nobody else is recognizable in any way shape or form – probably for the best! Apparently it was shot in Indiana, where they were fresh outta lil people, which is why there were so very few. Shoulda borrowed a cup from Ankle Biters!

Well, the scores are in, and, yeah, this lil stinker is gonna score pretty high. In fact, special guest Jackey Hall wanted to award Midget Zombie Takeover a 100, and was disappointed that a 10 was the highest number allowed. Mr. Moody went with a 9.5, while the MooCow went with a 9, giving our moovie a total Stink Score of 28.5, which is a Stinky Average of 9.5 – on the Ladder of Stink, joins the ranks of Birdemic, Alien Prophecy, Blood Predator, Hard Rock Zombies, and Creeping Terror – distinguished company indeed!

You gotst yer trailer right HERE. In fact, writer/director Glenn Berggoetz has a bunch of shorts and trailers and fun stuff on his You Tube page. You can also find the film on the Facebook. Stream it on Prime, or get yer hooves on the DVD at Amazon. Get the Mr. Lobo intro version at Thriftbooks.com. It is also at Barnes & Noble. Get a Mr. Lobo autographed version at OSI74.com. There aint mooch out there for swag, but it would seem that you can get some posters, prints, and udder Midget Zombie Takeover stuff at IDPoster.com – check it out! Also check out a lunch date with Glenn Berggoetz at Paste Magazine.com!

Ok, its silly and ridiculous and kinda cheap and lousy, BUT in the right mood Midget Zombie Takeover can also be a lot of fun – check it out with your zombie buddies today!
;=8)

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody back here! You will be getting a lot of these this year it seems. Paul (the MooCow) is super busy this year with a lot going on so we decided that I would have two of my friends on here to discuss Deadly Prey… and who better than Jeremiah Morehouse (Director of Biker Warrior Babe VS The Zombie Babies From Hell) and Sarah Adkins (Co-Host of Horror Film Lovers with me). 

Jeremiah had never been on Indie Film Cafe as a guest before but his film Biker Warrior Babe had been on it and he’s been on Indie Film Cafe Spotlight. Sarah’s been on this show a few times so she typically knows the drill. 

This movie was directed by David A Prior and is a part of his production company Action International Pictures (AIP… no not the other AIP but this AIP). He produced films with David Winters. And this was probably one of the craziest one we’ll cover! 

Deadly Prey is a film about a ruthless group of mercenary men who are practicing their skills on kidnapped civilians. Think The World’s Most Dangerous Game but mixed with Rambo. After one guy is killed way too easily they decide to try to find someone else who might give them a bit more. And boy do they! 

They pick Michael “Mike” Danton (Starring Ted Prior… brother of the director) who was not only a former Marine but also happen to be the one who the Colonel who’s running the operation taught everything he knew. Now the mercenaries must fight for their lives in order to stay alive. 

There’s a lot more to the story but I will let you all watch it instead. I will just sat that there were quite a few action scenes that would make even Rambo giggle. I didn’t know that grenades made people fly as much as they did. This movie also features fun cameos by actors like Cameron Mitchell (Low Blow which we will do someday) and Troy Donahue (The Godfather Part 2). Those two together have one of the best scenes in the whole movie!

And the scores are in…  And it’s no surprise the rating is high on the stink! Sarah Adkins and myself both gave it an 8 where I’m guessing Jeremiah has seen stinkier films because he gave it a 7. Giving it a total score of 23. That puts it on the Ladder of Stink right with Rollergator and Suburban Sasquatch… wow! Not what I expected to see but hey its in good company! 

This film is highly popular and people like Rifftrax, Red Letter Media, and many other podcasts/videocasts. But we had a blast giving our insights. Check it out if you haven’t already. Paul will take over and tell us all the places you can find it!

Moo! The trailer is HERE. And you can see it for free on Youtube. You can also stream it on Prime. For those of you who prefer the physical medium, you can pillage Amazon for the DVD, Blu Ray, and even the funny Rifftrax version! You can also get the Rifftrax right from their own website. You can also get the DVD at Forbidden Planet and Walmart, while the Blu Ray can be had at both places AND Grindhouse Videos, as well as second-hand at Ebay. Red Bubble.com, along with Walmart and Forbidden Planet, also have the poster! Want the tee shirt too – who doesn’t? Check out Teepublic and Red Bubble! Best of all, Red Bubble has not ONE, not Two, but THREE styles of Deadly Prey coffee mugs to sip your moorning joe while you git yer cheesy 80’s action flix kix on! Red Bubble has Deadly Prey stickers too! AND of course, the mooch-needed Deadly Prey throw pillow! And if ye a Ted Prior fan check out this interview from Cinedelphia! And if you love the moosic, check out the Deadly Prey full soundtrack!

 

We clearly love our 80’s cheese at Indie Film Cafe – stay tuned for the next schlocky masterpiece!
;=8)

Gott in Himmell, vat is dis??? :=8O Well, it sure ain’t no Turkish Delight! Nope, instead, our latest episode of Indie Film Cafe is the weird and wonderful Turkish Star Wars, AKA The Man Who Saved the World By Tying a Bunch of Rocks to His Ankles and Hopping Around Like a Bunny (ok, that last part isn’t true…). Think you’ve seen every Star Wars rip off out there?? Folks u have no idea! Join Moody, the MooCow, and special Guest co-host Lenore Miller (she’s BACK!!!) for a very special, very strange episode!
:=8D

So, a couple of he-man Turkish fellahs get caught up in about 3 minutes of Star Wars footage liberally stolen from the original film, then crash land on a barbaric planet (looking suspiciously like SW Turkey), and proceed to fight an evil sorcerer wearing a hat of spikes cowmanding an army of poorly costumed, day-glo furry critters, using what has to be the moost hopelessly over-designed ‘sword’ ever pieced together from particleboard. There is much jumping and hopping about, rocks are slapped repeatedly in impressive displays of Turkish machismo, and cheap silly fx go off at random just because. Maybe it was lost in translation?? Udder random bits of footage stolen include scenes from The Magic Sword (1962), and moosic taken directly from Indiana Jones. Yer jaws are gonna hit the floor on this one, folks! HURRAYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Turkish rip off theater is nothing new: there are fun Turkish Superman, Spiderman, and even El Santo moovies out there, even a Turkish I Spit on Your Grave (plus SEVERAL Turkish ETs, including a gay porno version!!!) – and its kind of a shame because there was also some kewl and interesting original work produced in Turkey, especially the 60’s, but now Turkish cinema is moost famously known for ridiculous garbage like this. Cüneyt (George) Arkin, who plays the lead, Muryat, is internationally known as a director, writer, and a huge leading man action star in Turkey, a man who always did his own stunts and martial arts, and did so for many, many years, and who acted in over 250 moovies and tv shows. The man was Bruce Lee and James Bond AND Batman, all rolled into one! And while this might have thrilled the folks in Turkey in 1982, moost folks in the West who watch this are simply flabbergasted and cowfused, because the flick is a massive HUHWTF???? Yeah, there is nothing even remootely associated with Star Wars here. BUT, someone did find a 35mm print, as all the original negatives have been destroyed, so it can be preserved FOREVER!!!!! Seriously, u have to see this wacky stuff!

Ok folks, the votes are in, and yeahhhhhh Turkish Star Wars is the stuff that 30’s are made from. Unanimous 10’s from Moody, the MooCow, and Lenore, because we all recognize stinky greatness when yer just clubbed over the head with it. That’s a 10.0 Stinky Average, and it shoots right up the Ladder of Stink to Stinky Heaven, along with Neil Breen, Miss Werewolf, and a hoof-full of udder richly deserving, odoriferous cheesy howlers.

Check out the trailer HERE. Watch it for free on the Tube of You! Getting yer hot little hooves on a dvd copy of this twisted little turkey is notoriously difficult, although it does pop up on places like Media Collectibles.com, Ebay, and DVDParty.com. And if yer very lucky u might be able to score yourself a Blu ray copy, if it comes back on the market (and if there really is a god in heaven, it will!). And if you have a spare $1500 bucks you can have an original poster of the flick for your very own (and make the MooCow very jealous indeed!). But if yer cheap, like the MooCow, you can find free digital copies on-line HERE. There are some fun Turkish Star Wars-inspired tee shirts HERE, for dudes and dudettes!

For unbridled silliness, you’d have to go really far to find a moovie as ridiculous and bizarre and fun as Turkish Star Wars, so do yerselves a favor and check it out! You might find yourself slapping rocks for fun too!
;=8)

Moody here again back for another blog review! Remember I will be doing this on episodes that Paul is not a part of! And this is the second episode of the season. And I was a lot nicer on this movie than even the last one. The 1996 Chad McQueen, Jan Michael Vincent, Dom Deluise, Michael Madsen car chase movie, “Red Line”. I’m not going to lie when I went looking for a Corey Feldman movie I was thinking to myself… A). I’ve never heard of this flick…. And B). What a fucking cast! I still thought this had to be a stinker. And boy was I wrong! I really enjoyed this flick!

I also thought of enlisting two of my friends as special guests. Rob Kellum AKA Stro and Dale A Niehaus. Dale had been in the last season with Ana Xaden for the black and white star studded flick, “Don’s Plum” This time he’s back with Stro who has Never been on Indie Film Cafe before…. Until Now! He will most likely be coming back for future episodes as well. Check out the latest podcast to hear more.

Let’s get on with the movie…

Red Line is about a car thief/robber Jimmy (Played by Steve McQueen’s son Chad McQueen). He works at his dad’s friend Jerry’s body shop (Played by Dom DeLuise) fixing up cars. Jimmy gets mixed up with a mob guy named Keller (Played by Jan Michael Vincent with apparently a real scar on his face) who wants to use Jimmy to heist cars for money. He tests him out on stealing a car from Mr. Lawrence (Played by Michael Madsen) and things get even crazier when he meets Gem (Played by Roxana Zal). Including a cast with the likes of Corey Feldman, Robert Z’dar, Julie Strain, and a cameo by both Joe Estevez, and Ron Jeremy you have the makings of an exceptional indie hit!

The film had some amazing car chases, a little sex, some thrills, some spills… it had it all. For a low low low budget indie flick this was a pretty wild romp. Chad McQueen I had never really watched many movies of his. I was more familiar with him from Karate Kid. Seeing him as a lead with the pretty quiet character (much like his father Steve McQueen) I enjoyed him in it! He carries the movie very well. And Gem is such a cutie. They had fantastic chemistry together.

One of the writers of the film Rolfe Kanefsky told us that he was brought in to pretty much fill in the script which they thought most of the movie would be car chase scenes. And I was pleasantly surprised to see a lot of it was car chases. The chase through a graveyard was my favorite.

Well the ratings are in… And the Indie Film Cafe Kids did another low on the Stinkometer movie. Now I have no idea what Paul would have given it but I gave it a 2, Stro gave it 2.5, and Dale gave it a 3. Making it 7.5 on the Ladder of Stink… tied with Rat Phink a Boo Boo and Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill… wow not too shabby for a movie I found on You Tube! Goes to show ya you never know what diamonds in the stinky (or not so stinky) rough you can find.

Trailer is right HERE. And you can check it out for free on Youtube. It is also available for streaming on Amazon Prime. DVDs are pricey, but are also on Amazon. Check out the 2×3 poster on Amazon too. If you dig the film’s soundtrack you can download songs right HERE.

Join us next week for one of Paul’s mooooovies!