Episode 99: Die Hard Dracula (1998)

Well, folks, I’m afraid we can put it off no longer: we have finally come to Die Hard Dracula, and hoooboy, what a colossal stinker it is! Those of you hoping for Bruce Willis wearing a cape flying around Nakatomi Plaza are going to be sorely disappointed – although you do get to see a flying coffin! It doesn’t help. Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe with Moody, yer old pal the MooCow, and special returning guest JoLynn (Jo), as they suffer through this 1998 Euro-stinker in the worst way. Technical issue made the sound not so good, sorry, Continuity Monkey is gonna get right on that!

Whining doofus Steve (Danny Sachen) looses his girl friend when she dies in a lake water skiing because safety is for nerds; he goes to Prague to recover (as you do…), then goes sightseeing in Morovia, where he crashes his car, the locals make fun of him, and he falls for a local Euro-babe so lonely and desperate that even a schlub like Steve seems like an improvement. Cowever, the area is haunted by the weirdest Dracula ever (played by 3 different actors), and scene-chewing Van Helsing (Bruce Glover, the only name in this flick!) have to duke it out, amidst blue vampire lightning, vampire fireballs, and a plethora of bad acting and special effects. And in the end it was all just a dream. Or was it?? Who the heck knows, the whole herd nearly tore the spots off their backs with this one! :=8o And its like 90 minutes!!!

Yeah. Czech Director Peter Horak was a stunt guy, and his was his first and only directing assignment – AND he wrote it too. EXPLAIN YOURSELF SIR!!! :=8O
Why three Draculas?? Why such a wimpy non-hero as the lead?? Danny Sachen makes Birdemic‘s Alan Bagh look like Sir Laurence Olivier! Small wonder he did not make an-udder moovie! Uhh, why the poor editing, the day-for-night scenes, the Casio-inspired FX?? Ok, I know he did stunts for Throw Momma From The Train, but did he toss himself as well, and bonk himself on the head?? I guess we’ll never know. But the Indie Film Cafe kids had a field day with this one, especially the ‘twist’ ending that is one of the all-time groaners.

10’s from Moody and the MooCow, straight up. Jo was a little bit moore kind-hearted (and is still a bit shell-shocked from udder moovies we have tortured her with), and awarded this feeble flick a 9, giving Die Hard Dracula a total Stink Score of 29 – that’s a Stinky Average of 9.7! Soooooo close to Stinky Heaven!!! In fact, on the Ladder of Stink this moovie nestles up nicely along with Actium Maximus and Robowoman at 29.

Check out the official trailer HERE. Watch this stinker for free on YOUTUBE. Or stream it on VHX.tv. You can git yer hooves on a dvd copy for cheapsies at Amazon, or at Oldies.com, Walmart, Target, Barnes & Noble, or for re-sale on Ebay. It is also part of a two-fer dvd, along with Girls’ Night out, if you can find it. Oldies.com has the kewl poster (the coolest thing about this moovie!). Or u can download a digital version of a less-kewl poster at MoviePosterDB. Tee shirts can be found at HorrorFilmTees.com (two even!). I Hope You Suffer podcast covers this flick as well, and they weren’t too kind about this flick either.

All in all, Die Hard Dracula is a fun, though feeble, vampire flick that will just drive you to drink…wine, or blood, or anything get the memory erased from your skull! Czech it out!

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