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Episode 39A: GingerDead Man AGAIN!

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Go ahead, poke my belly, see what happens!

Well, I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles, but we still have a couple of feeble flicks that Miss Lenore had yet to see and review, and since we NEED three scores for our Stinkometer there was just no escape.  Yes, poor Lenore had to endure an evil homicidal cookie played by Gary Busey – yet an-udder Full Moon classic!  Charles Band, you are the man!  Anycow, check out our mini-podcast and listen to Lenore moan and groan her way through this moovie and see if a second helping somecow managed to make the moovie better!

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People hate me ’cause I’m tastayyyyyy!

 

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Episode 39: Curse of Bigfoot

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“The Curse of Bigfoot” is a dull, hopeless mishmash of a moovie, cowbining pseudo-documentary scenes, boring stock footage, and fake teenage archaeologists, resulting in a low, dull, throbbing headache of a film. When the MooCow was just a calf in the sickening 70’s, this film played practically every Saturday on the Creature Double Features of years past. That makes it good for nostalgia, but wretchedly poor for entertainment, as the kids at Indie Film Cafe recently found out, to their chagrin – check out their latest PODCAST to discover just cow the heck they managed to survive this one!

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Grrr, I’m a bigfoot…or an Indian mud mummy…or a thing…or…sumthin’

Basically, the story boils down to 3 separate boring and poorly-made entities, all vying woefully for our attention in the vain hopes that something even remotely interesting might take place. Part one is a scene in a ‘typical’ 70’s high school(where they teach courses on monsters in mythology??), where a group of pasty-faced, greasy-haired teens are treated to stern, melodramatic lecture on “real monsters” by an irksome little dork with Coke bottle glasses.

Part two is a horrendous cowbination of a fake documentary on Bigfoot (a la “The Legend of Boggy Creek”,only not nearly as good), and some of the moost boring stock footage of the logging industry you’re ever likely to witness. Seriously – if yer idea of fun is to watch endless minutes of logs rolling into the water, over and over again, this cow feels very, very sorry for you. The final part shows a group of teenage archaeologists, and their dopey teachers, who “excavate” a mummified (Indian?? Bigfoot?? Film Producer??) thingy, which revives somecow and runs amok and kills the local deputy dawg. The quick-thinking teens (who all apparently end up catatonic, or worse, at the end of the moovie, according to the spiteful dork lecturer at the beginning) douse the hairy whatsit with gasoline and set it on fire.

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HELP!  They said this suit was flame retardant!

Egads, this was bad, I’m not gonna lie, folks.  Moody and the MooCow both held their noses and awarded 9.5s, while a shell-shocked Lenore chipped in with a 9, giving “Curse of Bigfoot” an overall Stink Score of 28, and a Stink Average of 9.3.  Yikes!

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Well, we gotst the 1978 trailer for “Curse of Bigfoot” HERE.  It is in the public domain, which means you can check it out on the Tube of You HERE.  For those of you who need, need, need to have a physical copy in yer greedy little hooves (I’m right there with you), Uncle AMAZON has a number of copies, including a two-fer with “Cathy’s Curse”.  You can also find it on EBAY, WALMART, and BUSTBUY.  Git yer hooves on the fun RIFFTRAX version at their website.  Get the vintage-style poster for the moovie on EBAY; apparently on 7 are known to exist, so they are pricey.  There are no “Curse of Bigfoot” tee shirts that this cow can find (shame), but here at TeePublic you can find all sorts of shirts with the Big Hairy Guy which you can wear while viewing.

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Yeah, this guy – see him?  Well, he’s NOT in this moovie…

The MooCow says, if pure, abject failure is what you’re after, look no farther than “Curse of Bigfoot”.  While it was made by and starred pretty much no one, one of the students was played by Jackey Neyman Jones, who also acted in the infamous Manos The Hands of Fate, and has appeared in the “Manos” follow-ups, including the new production by IFC buddy Johnny Johnson and Darkstone Entertainment!

 

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Episode 38: The Sinister Urge (1960)

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Smut!  Smut!!!  Dirty rotten stinking filthy SMUT!!!  its ruining our country , its despoiling our youth, its corrupting and undermining the very foundations of the state, and its all because of one grim, hard-boiled battle axe named GLORIA and her twisted, sleazy henchman Johnny!  Or so Ed Wood would have us believe.  Because honestly, slightly paunchy 50’s era ladies wearing bras, panties, stockings, garters, and full length night gowns, or even just swimming suits,  aren’t really particularly smutty, like not at all.  This is one of those wonderful Teenage Delinquent/Much Ado About Nothing-type over dramatizations of the era, and with Ed Wood’s ‘special’ flair (“Jail Bait”, “The Violent Years”, “Devil Girls”, etc) to boot.  Well, we here at Indie Film Cafe just cudn’t help ourselves, so we served up a heapin’ helpin’ of lame Ed Wood ridiculousness, along with resident Science Expert Lenore Miller AND special guest Gary Morgan, on our latest PODCAST.  Hear us moan and groan our way through this one!

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So…you crack open men’s skulls with those things?  Shoot, I need more booze…

Yes, so mildly ‘sexy’ pictures leads to teen delinquency, fighting, murder, and psychotic behavior – sounds like “Reefer Madness”, “Cocaine Fiends”, and dozens of udder heavy handed morality roadshow cheapies from the 30’s and 40’s, only updated to 1960 because James DeanJean Fontain plays Gloria Henderson, a  rusty battleship on two legs who runs the smut operation and demands to see them legs, “all the way up” (shudder!).  Fontain was apparently married to a wealthy husband, and only acted as a hobby – apart from this Ed Wood opus, she haunted a few French productions, including “Asterix and Cleopatra” and a 1960’s tv series called “L’éventail de Séville”, which presumably is French for “Please Go Away You Horrid Creature of Darkness”.

Assisting the Rusty Battleship in her endeavor is Johnny Ryde, played by Carl Anthony (“Plan Nine from Outer Space”, “Raw Force”), a smarmy, even-toned lush who ensnares innocent women looking to make it big as the next Hollywood discovery, and luring them into a trap of debt, booze, and skeezy pictures.  But Dino Fantini (“Return to Payton Place”), as Dirk Williams, rats out the crew, and also kills the models, because that’s what a true-blue employee would do.  Detectives Randy Stone, played by Wood alum Duke Moore (“Plan Nine from Outer Space”, “Night of the Ghouls”, “Take it Out in Trade”), and Matt Carson, played by udder Wood alum Kenne Duncan (“Astounding She-Monster”, “Night of the Ghouls”, and about 1000 cheapie westerns from the 20’s into the 50’s) finally figure stuff out and stops the operation.  Our old pal and stink moovie vet Harvey B. Dunn (“Teenagers from Outer Space”, “Night of the Ghouls”,  “Deadwood ’76” ) plays a grousing, chubby citizen, and good old Conrad Brooks (“Plan Nine from Outer Space”, “Glen or Glenda”, “Jail Bait”) gets beaten up by Ed Wood himself (who also plays a cop in drag!).

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Eeeeeek!  That IS a Sinister Urge!!!  :=8O

While a bit moore tedious and less fun than a regular Ed Wood moovie, nonetheless The Sinister Urge has many mooments of fun, and so the Stink Scores are modestly high:  Moody awarded an 8.5, Lenore an 8, and the MooCow gave a 7.5.  Guest Gaz Morgan offered up a 6.5, but since we can only use 3 reviews for our Stinkometer his won’t cownt in the final score, which is a 24, and a Stink average of 8.0.

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Get yer trailer right HERE.  This is a toughie to find, as it is out of print and in the public domain.  DVD copies are PRICEY, and I doubt there will ever be a Blu Ray version – but who knows?  Sinister Cinema put out a dvd but it is out of print.  A scan of Amazon reveals only a pricey VHS version.  Rhino put out the MST3K version HERE, and it is currently the only version you can see on the Tube of You.  Interestingly, Rob Zombie named his second album after the moovie.  Get the kewl poster HERE.  And get a neat-o tee shirt HERE.

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Yeah, well, we tried….

The indie Film Cafe crew says definitely check out Ed Wood’s stinky classic The Sinister Urge, even if its only the Mystie version, and learn how you too can fight the forces of evil, non-pornographic smut before it turns YOU into a horrible monster!
:=8O

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Episode 37: Vampire Cop (1990)

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Hay, you’ve got your cop in my vampire moovie!  No, you have a vampire in my cop moovie!  Two great tastes that taste awful when cowbined together!  Yes, its the late 1980’s/early 1990’s, that Jurassic park of Straight-to-Video horror moovie swamps that just seems to have no bottom.  Weirder things than Vampire Cop have slithered up from its inky depths, but not by much.  Director Donald Farmer, he who gave the world such stinky classics as “Cannibal Hookers”, “Shark Exorcist”, and the always-fun “Chainsaw Cheerleaders “, offered us this prize back in 1990, when the world needed it so very mooch.  The always-erudite Joe Bob Briggs perhaps said it best about this moovie: ““Twelve breasts. Twelve dead bodies. Multiple neck fanging. Double vampire sex in a bathtub! Joe Bob says check it out!”.  If that is not a ringing endorsement, then I dunno what is!  behold our latest IFC PODCAST and see what all the moaning and hand wringing is about!

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Rahhh!  I’m a Vampire!  Really!  Check out these fangs!  Rahhh!

Ed Cannon plays Vampire Cop Lucas, and if you’ve never herd of him before, well, that’s mainly because, as far as this cow can tell, he never worked in the biz before or after (apart from producing “Jam Party Remixed” in 2010, whatever the heck that was).  he wasn’t particularly cowvincing as either a cop OR a vampire, but his hairspray really made his hair stay in place.  So there’s that.  Next we have the always-lovely Melissa Moore (“Hard to Die”, “Samurai Cop”, “Bimbo Penitentiary”), who plays Melanie Roberts, the cute, intrepid tv reporter who just wanders wherever the hell she wants to, and can find Lucas the instant she wants him – like your worst nightmare girlfriend come to life.

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You can’t hide from me, I know EXACTLY where you are!

Together, they must fight corrupt local ‘business man’ Hans Geiger, an oily drug dealer with a smooth voice who ends up melting into a pizza steak after HE becomes a vampire, and gets dragged into the sun by our boy Lucas.  His nerdly, pencil-neck geek henchman looks like he should be selling shoes in a mall rather than menacing people with chainsaws, but there it is.  Oh, and there is a guy who spends like 6 days in a bathtub… Featuring copious udder action, horrible 80’s moosic and wardrobes, mootiple slow-motion shots, grainy 16mm film, and the same scenes recycled and shown over and over and over again, this horror cheapie is clearly one for the record books.

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Whaddya want for lunch, pizza?  Lasagna?  Something with cheese?

If you asked Hitler if he wanted to see Vampire Cop in the bunker just before they lit his ass on fire with gasoline, I am sure he’d reply “Nein, Nein Nein!!” – which is exactly what the Indie Film Cafe crew scored for this film!  Moody, Lenore, and the MooCow all gave nines to this ridiculous vampire/law enforcement mash-up, which scores a full 27 on the Stinkometer, and averages out to a full 9.0.  Stinky, for sure, but also cowsistant!

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We got out trailerage right HERE.  Git yer hooves on a copy from the Amazon.  Better yet, get it from SRS Cinema, to get the Director’s cut!  Amazon also has a limited edition Blu Ray, in which only 100 will be sold, so HURRY!  SRS will also sell you a clam shell VHS version, if that’s what tickles your pickle.  Get the Czech version too, if you’ve a mind for it.  Need a big Vampire Cop poster?  Sure, we all do!  Pick yours up HERE!

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Didn’t I see that in The Howling?

If yer looking for prime late 80’s/early 90’s straight-to-video cheese, with oodles of boobage, vamp action, and non-descript guys eating bananas or lounging in bathtubs, then we here at Indie Film Cafe say we have the moovie for you!  Check out Vampire Cop today!
:=8D

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Episode 36: The Forbidden Zone (1980)

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Alright, IFC lovers, its time to enter Richard Elfman‘s  Forbidden Zone, but only if you dare!  Fortunately, we here at Indie Film Cafe was made of stern stuff, so that not even the weirdest, strangest, wackiest oddball moosical ever created can keep stinker professionals down – check out our latest PODCAST see see cow the devil we made it through this one!

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De Plane, De Plane – I mean, De Forbidden Zone!!

Our story involves the Hercules family, an assorted cast of singing oddballs who get caught up in a strange dimension leading from their basement, through a series of pipes and guts, and out of a sphincter with some  poop pillows, and into a crazy world lead by diminutive King Fausto, and his charming bride Queen Doris! Hervé Villechaize (“Man with the Golden Gun”, tv’s “Fantasy Island”) plays the tiny regal ladies man and ruler of the Forbidden Zone, which, well frankly defies description – let’s just say it is a pretty weird place.  Frenchy (Marie-Pascale Elfman, Richard’s then wife) pops in and runs afoul of Queen Doris, played to the hilt by Susan Tyrrell (“Big Top Pee Wee”, “Cry Baby”).  Chicken Boy Squeezit (screenwriter Mathew Bright, who also plays sister Rene), also floats about.  The whole weird mess is buoyed by a great soundtrack, ranging from 40’s French cabaret moosic to Cab Calloway, to New Wave (Oingo Boingo), and is entirely based on the late 70’s stage show of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo, which Elfman (and brother Danny, who did the moosic AND had a great turn as the Devil) cowcocted and performed.

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I AM devilishly clever, you know…

Well, the kids at Indie Film Cafe awarded a range of scores: a 7 from the MooCow (who’d seen it before a few times), while first-time witnesses Johnathan (9) and Lenore (8) barely survived the experience, and their scores reflect it.  That’s a total stink score of 24, and a Stinky Average of 8.0!  Definitely a lotta stink to this strange flick, but also a lot of fun and faboo moosic as well!

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We have the color trailer HERE.   Git yer hooves on a dvd copy at Uncle Amazon.  The Ultimate Edition includes the soundtrack (which you need!), which cowtains both the original black & white plus the new color version — all in sterling hi-def and state-of-the-art sound mix!  You can get the soundtrack only on compact disc (remember those?) HERE, and the REAL old school folks can get it on vinyl HERE.  Get the awesome POSTER while it is still available on Ebay, and a whey-kewl tee shirt HERE.  Great news!  A long-awaited sequel is in the works, and Richard Elfman himself promises it will be bigger, badder, and bolder than the original – check out the Media Kit for moore info!

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Ummmm…yeah, I got nothing…

The Sixth Dimension is a weird, wonderful place, but we here at Indie Film Cafe encourage you to hold your breath, and your nose, and dive right in – the waters are fine, and undeniably wacky!!!
:=8D