Episode 86: Robowoman (2019)

Badly written, threadbare, penny-pinching, micro-budget rip-off of Robo Cop, Robo Girl, Robo CHIC, Robo-Dog, and every udder Robo-moovie ever made, only worse: its amateur hour from the likes of Dustin Ferguson, the ‘talent’ behind such gems as “Meathook Massacre” I-IV, “Night of the Clown”, “Arachnado”, and a huge steaming pile of udder such rubbish puked out on a fairly regular basis, following the ‘more, not better’ credo of film making. This one stars a strange looking puppet, errrr, Dawna Lee Heising, a former dancer and model (many years ago) who also happened to nab a bit role in a real film (she was the dancer with the snake for about 2 seconds in Blade Runner; in the Hollybore indie cowmoonity, that’s enough clout to get you cast as lead in dozens of films, so it would seem, and the MooCow is certain we have not suffered though our last Dawna Lee Heising film, or our last Dustin Ferguson film for that matter. Egads! Check out Moody, the MooCow, and special gust co-host Colleen Tidd suffer and moan through our latest episode!

So DLH plays Vivica, a temp on her last day on the job who gets asked out on a date by a homeless-looking Jonathan Nation (Death Racers, Megashark VS Giant Octopus, Mega Piranha); apparently he’s asked her out every week since he started, and refuses to take no for an answer, and rather than calling him a creepy stalker and spraying mace in his eyes she of course says SURE! because the script demands it and there would be no moovie if she had a molecule of common sense. Of course, scraggy Jonathan is up to no good, and ambushes Vivica in the dark, along with his buds and physically handicapped brother because, hay, special needs folks can be jerky faces too!

So, she is left for dead but her wooden roomie (Sue Price) figures out where she is, and sends an ambulance, and hey presto, she’s in a ‘hospital room’ (worst EVER!!!) udder the supervision of a quack scientist (old, reliable Mel Novak) who has seen waaaay too many Robo moovies ’cause he brings her back to life by turning her into a dangerous cyber robot thingy. And by robot thingy, I mean she wears a pair of plastic mono lens sunglasses and a very false-looking glove as her ‘cyber’ implants. I guess Hot Topic was charging too damn moooch for anything better. Then things and stuff happen, and Robowoman gets her revenge on the dumbass nogoodnicks in one of the longest hour and 10 minutes you’ll ever experience. Oh yeah, and Brinke Stevens shows up for about 2 minutes towards the end, the film’s only saving grace.

Believe the MooCow, he has seen just about every Robo moovie out there, and this one is one of the worst, just plain awful, boring, cheap, and cringy in the extreme, not even good for a laugh or two. As a robo-hero, our DLH is a paunchy, older person wearing loud, gaudy clothes and waaaaay too much make up – who the hell did the make-up on this film, Pennywise?? – and she is simply painful to watch. Its as if some naughty drunk monkey took a copy of Robo CHIC and a copy of Sextette, tossed ’em into a blander, and pressed puree, and out this seeped, like a burst pustule.

Moody went with a 10, while the MooCow and poor shell-shocked Colleen Tidd awarded it 9.5s, giving Robowoman a Stink Total of 29, which was gives it a Stinky Average of 9.7. On the Ladder of Stink Robowoman is tied with Actium Maximus, Moody’s favorite moovie! Man, what a stench! :=8O

There is a trailer: good luck. For those of you who love physical media you can find this flick at Amazon, Walmart, Oldies.com, and Target on DVD, as well in the re-sale market on Ebay. Its a Wild Eye Releasing, so you might get “lucky” and find it there too. You can stream it on Prime, an its haunting Tubi as well, like a malingering odor. You can download the poster at Cinematerial.com, and have DLH’s face stare down at you for all eternity. Have fun with that.

Cud this be the worse Robo-moovie of all time? Its pretty darn close, folks, that’s for sure – but don’t take our word for it, dig up this wretched wreck for yourself and see if the Indie Film Cafe kids are exaggerating or telling the truth but don’t say you weren’t warned!


Episode 85: Biker Warrior Babe VS the Zombie Babies from Hell (2014)

Would you like to watch a hot, sexy biker warrior babe fight and dispatch a horde of rampaging babies from Hell?? Of course you would, we ALL would!! And now, thanks to the genius of writer/director Jeremiah Morehouse you can see it with your very own eye balls! Yes, Zipp the Too Cool For School warrior babe/Joan Jett wanna-be leather clad hottie has to save her friends and the town of Cranberry Lake, from a horde of mewling, demonic, rampaging babies which erupts from a hell chasm when Lucretia and Succubus, a pair of dippy no-goodniks, try to summon a demon, but just sorta, you know…botch it. Oooopsie, I hate when that happens… ;=8) Shenanigans ensue; check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe to hear what the Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host fellow filmmaker Ri Maku have to say about this cheesy demon baby howler – AND everyone’s favorite weird uncle Lloyd Kaufman is along for the ride!

Zipp (Brii Davis) and Melissa (Jessica Bloom) have things and stuff to do, like moost fun loving “teenagers”; Melissa is even trying to hook up Zipp with nice but nerdy Doc (Jake Dylman) – but before you can say Awkward Forced Date, Fate has udder plans for these folks! Learn your lessons, kiddies: if yer gonna summon a demon through virgin sacrifice (you know, as you do…), ya better get the details cowrect, or you too might accidentally summon a horde of screaming, crying demon babies to munch on your face and invade your small town. Lucretia (Elise Eden) ends up getting munched, but Succubus (Caitlin Bentley) proves to be much harder to dispatch, even when a pair of shotgun wielding locals blast her. Meanwhile, those babies…they pretty mooch devour the town, until Zipp and her friends manage to figure it out, and she can ride off in the sunset on her Harley to a happy ending.

Just…wow. This was an outrageously silly and fun microbudgeted indie film, and clearly much fun was had while making it. Of course, such productions have their fair share of issues – the lighting and sound are bad sometimes, the FX cheap and laughable, and the setting were…well, wherever they had permission to shoot. But the overall effect is highly entertaining and original, and the MooCow pretty mooch guarantees this flick will put a huge smile on your face! Oh did we mention that it was produced by Thankskilling‘s own Ryan Francis?? Dude makes moovies about killer turkey puppets and demon babies from hell – I want his life!

Mooch fun was had in the Indie Film Cafe studio with this one, folks, and it produced quite a score: Mr. Moody gave the film a 9.5, while the MooCow score it an 8, and Ri Maku went with a 7, giving Biker Warrior Babe vs. the Zombie Babies from Hell a total Stink Score of 24.5, which is a Stinky Average of 8.2! On the Ladder of Stink, this film nestles just below Dark Wolf, and right above Snow Shark, and is just as fun as both of them!

You can check out the trailer HERE. And an-udder one HERE. If there is one moovie that NEEDS a DVD or Blu Ray release its this film; cowever, until that happens you will have to suffice with checking it out on Tubi. and also VUDU. I also found it on 88 Stream Media, but I dunno cow secure that site is. There is no merch as of yet, but there is a Facebook page you can lurk and maybe git some info on a release. The folks at FLIBO seems to like the moovie as well, and we can’t say we blame them.

So hie thee hither, droogies, and clasp thine eyes upon the divine madness that is Biker Warrior Babe vs. the Zombie Babies from Hell – trust the MooCow, you’ll be glad that you did! And let’s hope this feature gets a well-deserved release soon!


Episode 84: Haggard: the Movie (2003)

Well, if you loved MTV’s obnoxious, over the top dumb-stunt show Jackass then you’ll love this weird, profane comedy as well, made by pretty mooch the same folks. We are talking about Bam Margera‘s 2003 part slacker comedy/part skatepunk direct to video flick Haggard, a moovie which turns out to be one of Moody’s personal favorites. On this episode of Indie Film Cafe he subjects both the MooCow and lovely indie thespian Lydia Manson, and the fur gets a’flyin! Hear what they have to say about this indie Clerksian bromance!

So we meet Ryan (Ryan Dunn), who is completely obsessed with his cheating ex-girlfriend Glauren (Jenn Rivell), even though their relationship is deader than a ribeye on a grill (and not half as tasty). But he can’t just moove on, even when his slacker friends Valo (Bam Margera) and Falcone (Brandon Dicamillo) try to ‘help’ – for example, offering him a hundred bucks to vandalize a house by taping poop to a wall. Yeah, its that kind of moovie. Udder stuff happens as well, there is a dirtbag biker named Hellboy (Rake Yohn), a subplot about inventing a reverse microwave, A chap named Naked Dave who is, well, naked, and pro skater Tony Hawk playing a cop. Oh, and there is a decent MTV Headbanger‘s Ball-type soundtrack as well.

While this silly indie may be a personal favorite for Mr. Moody, the MooCow was less impressed – and Ms. Lydia was simply not having it! The MooCow found most of the characters annoying and the story less interesting, although the moosic was decent and cinematography showed real potential; but Ms. Lydia had very little positive to say about the film, hence the variety of scores on this one. Moody awarded the film a 3, but the MooCow went with a 7, and Lydia gave it the harshest score at 8, giving Haggard a total Stink Score of 18, and a Stinky Average of 6. On the Ladder of Stink Haggard is tied with Airborne, an-udder Moody favorite!

You can check out the trailer right HERE. It is available for free on the Tube of You ; cowever, for those of you who want the physical media in yer hot little hooves you can get the Unrated DVD version from Uncle Amazon for retail, and for resale via EBay. While the MooCow cud not find mooch by way of sweet merch for Haggard, you CAN get this neat Bam Magera tee shirt at Redbubble, as well as a poster of the same image. A search of Ebay found an original signed poster there, and you can download a digital version at Cinematerial.com. You can also find an interesting doc on the making of the film on Youtube as well.

If you like over the top comedy, especially involving dumb stunts and dumber people, then the IFC kids think this may be the moovie for you. Check it out, and maybe you too can win that bike made out of diamonds!


Episode 83: Geteven (1993)

SOOO, are you ready to do the Shimmy Slide?? Of course you are!! Remember the early 90’s, when awful country moosic roared back to life, like a moldering trucker cap zombie, and everyone wanted to country line dance?? Yes, its a horrible period of US history which we cowllectively try to suppress, but then here comes the ol’ MooCow ready to dig it up and make Moody and special co-host guest Just Jenn remember and re-suffer in the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe! Get ready for Geteven!

Yes, good ol’ John DeHart, doing his best pre-Neil Breen, is the rootin’ tootin’ fightin’ cop/limousine driver/ninja expert who fights against police and government corruption, drug dealing satanists, becomes a country moosic star, AND gets the girl with the big boobs – in this case, former Playboy playmate Pamela Jean Bryant. All this AND a very drunk and unstable Wings Hauser too! What moore cud you possibly want? Wanna hear some awful John DeHart crooning, we gotcha covered!

A total vanity project of the worst kind, poorly made and poorly executed, bound to inflict endless pain and suffering upon the viewer – no wonder the MooCow loves it so much!

So, John DeHart and Wings Houser are cops fired after being setup by their corrupt boss (William Smith), who somecow then gets appointed as judge, BUT who also secretly heads a satanic drug-dealing cult – you know, as you do. After his wife is “killed” by the cult, DeHart is determined to bring the cult down. Wings Hauser drinks a lot, including bleach, and inexplicably has a Native American mannequin hanging around for shits n gigs. John DeHart is about the moost awkward action star you’ll ever see, and his less-than dollar import night karaoke warbling puts this flaccid flick over the top into stinky stardom. Also, there is a poodle who dances while eating butter from a spoon. CAN YOU STAND THE INTENSE EXCITEMENT??? :=8O

This moovie…WOW, it is the cinematic equivalent to being clubbed to death like a baby seal. It is punishment that should be outlawed by the Geneva Cowvention. It is many strands of crap somecow coming together and forming a new form of crap that is unlike any of the crap we’ve shown before on this show! All this and some singularly cringeworthy country moosic just takes the stinky cake!

Yeah, this one got swift 10’s form both Moody and the MooCow – just bad, bad, BAD! Unexpectedly, it was Just Jenn who had room in her heart to cut a tiny bit of slack for this film, and only gave it a 9.5, as she liked some of the sets – that gives Geteven/Champagne and Bullets/Road to Revenge a Stinky Total of 29.5, and a Stink Average of 9.8. WOW, that is a horrific pall of stink, but STILL we haven’t hit a 30 yet on the season. Ok, yer no Neil Breen, John DeHart, but it was a very good try.

We have trailerage right here. Now and then the VHS copy shows up on Etsy or Ebay. Good luck finding this one in DVD anywhere; cowever, you CAN find the Blu Ray Champaign and Bullets cut of this film courtesy of Vinegar Syndrome, and trust me you want this! It has the commentary from John DeHart himself as well as the re-edited cuts released as Geteven and Road to Revenge. So go and get it NOW!!! In addition, you can get this kewl Geteven Tee Shirt on Redbubble!


Episode 82: Don’s Plum (2001)

A low budget, tedious exercise in bro-tardum, starring the infamous “Pussy Posse“, featuring a group of obnoxious up-and-cowming pretty boys passing as actors, and the cute girls who inexplicably enable their misogyny. Said group meets in a restaurant, talks about rude things, and very little actually happens. Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire, who would later become the largest stars of the group, successfully sued to have the film’s release blocked in the US and Canada, although it pops up in Europe and elsewhere. There are many stories and legends behind this film, both its creation and in its censure from the general movie-going audience; frankly that in itself would have made for a far moore interesting subject, perhaps a documentary about cow a group of ‘friends’ decided to make a moovie together, with the best of intentions, but ultimately lead to lawsuits, betrayal, fierce backlash, gossip and innuendo, and lost opportunity. Moody, with special guest co-hosts Ana Xaden and Dale A Niehaus, discuss the flick in the latest Indie Film Cafe podcast

The moovie, created by RD Robb (“A Christmas Story”), is allegedly all improvisation, and it shows, sort of like if someone tossed in copies of Richard Linklater’s Slacker and My Dinner with Andre into a blender, and a very drunk Kevin Smith fished out the pureed remains and stitched something together. The plot, such as it is, takes place primarily by the “Posse” and their latest group of chicks, all talking and bickering and playing Never Have I Ever, at a diner in L.A. There is some cringy acid jazz, a bunch of bathroom mirror confessionals, fake teeth wearing, casual 20-something male contempt for women, and a whole lot of cigarette smoke. And if all of this doesn’t sound particularly appealing, the MooCow can assure you it is not. The film does have a certain voyeuristic charm to it – after all, moost of those involved ended up going on to much bigger and better things, even if some of them never managed to evolve much as artists. DiCaprio has since climbed the highest, and probably has the most actual talent of the bunch – but to be fair, the MooCow never had much use for Kevin Connolly, Tobey Maguire, or Jeremy Sisto. But seeing the likes of the much-loved Jenny Lewis (Rilo Kiley), Amber Benson, Marissa Ribisi, and Heather McComb, all of whom are wonderful and provide at least some respite to the cowstant fucktardery of the “Posse”, certainly helps. If only they had been characters in their own right, rather than meat for the boys’ grist.

There are not any particularly bad performance in this film; the black and white cinematography is effective, if not original, and the film itself does seem to capture an era of the mid-90’s in a sort of drop of nicotine-stained amber, if you enjoy looking back on such things. But in light of today’s Hollywood, within the context of the Me Too movement and backlash against the abuse of women in Hollywood, the film simply comes off as pretentious, cringeworthy, and embarrassing – and its no wonder its primary stars would rather not have the general moovie-watching audience (especially the women) see them like this.

The Indie Film Cafe kids give a pretty thorough discussion of the film, its strengths and weaknesses, and rated it rather surprisingly: Ana Xaden gave the moovie a 4, while Dale scored it a 5, with Moody rounded out the scores with a 6 – this gives Don’t Plum a total Stink Score of 15, which is right in the middle between a decent film and a Stinky Pile of Cow Poo. For those of you keeping score, that’s a Stinky Average of 5, and on the Ladder of Stink it ties with such udder films as Santa’s Slay and It Waits. Definitely has a whiff of stink to it, but everyone agrees the IFC kids have seen much worse.

There is no official trailer for Don’s Plum as it never got released in the US; cowever, writer and producer Dale Wheatley himself uploaded it to YOUTUBE as part of the Free Don’s Plum movement that he started. Write to him via his website and you can get an HD version of the film. You can also find non-US region dvds out there on Ebay and udder places, but expect to pay a lot. The New York Post did a very interesting overview of the film called The Curse of Don’s Plum which you can see on YouTube. There are some pretty interesting comments on the video too – apparently Dale Wheatley himself comes on to discuss cow even though Leo and Amber Benson did not get along the scene where he torments her was staged and both were ok with it, and the conflict between the two actors was utilized. If this film ever does get a release it would be fascinating to have Wheatley, Robb, or even Leo himself (though I doubt it!) come on and do commentary.

Ok, while it ain’t the MooCow’s cup of moo juice, we here at Indie Film Cafe are always ready to talk about and support indie film, and this one is as indie as it gets! And if yer a big fan of Leo, Tobey Maguire, or even Amber Benson (!!!), you might want to check this lil flick that flew udder the radar out. And who knows, perhaps it will see a US release some day.