Episode 128: Tropical Vampire (2016)

Soooo, are you ready for a weird, flamboyant Brazilian vampire flick that doesn’t make a lick of sense?? Well git ready for Tropical Vampire, AKA Vampiro 40º, directed by a madman named Marcelo Santiago, who previously did some wackadoodle tv stuff for wackadoodle Brazilian television, and such moovies as Carnal Utopia (2006), Barretão (2019), and Lula, the Son of Brazil (2009). I dunno cow weird those udder flicks are, but this one was both strange and enjoyable. This episode the MooCow inflicted this odd vampire flick on Jonathan Moody AND Sarah Adkins, both of which were somewhat puzzled.

Get ready for loads of weird, unnecessary maskage…

If you were to mix in Sin City with Underworld, and mix in a little modern trashy neon-soaked dystopian setting, and a dash of Abel Ferrera’s Addiction, well…you might get a headache, but you might also get at least a whiff of what this moovie was aiming for. Vlak, who has a tracking chip implanted in his fangs, and his buddy/sidekick Michele, sell vampire drugs to non-vampires, a weird powder, for the Limbo Corporation – as you do – until he gets tired of it and decides to go his own way, which naturally sett he LIMBOMAN after him. Michele wants to keep on keepin’ on, so she teams up with Draco, a shady, scuzzy vamp who hates Vlak, but then Draco meets Daphne, a psychotic nearly naked vamp who likes to kill her victims with a chainsaw. Then everyone starts looking for Vlak, who has been abducted by Wang Su, a Chinese drug dealer who runs the cyberpunky underworld in Rio, and then everyone starts to have simulated sex with everyone else, and I dunno everything starts to whiz round and round after a while…

Ok, if the plot isn’t exactly easy to figure out, at least the visuals are pretty decent, right? Welllll…sort of? There are some really great visual scenes, and the look and feel of the dystopian modern Rio de Janeiro is pretty impressive, but then there are some weird masks that are never explained, and some pretty weak ass FX with weapons, like right out of a comic book, and the whole thing becomes sort of muddled, as if your brain is lost in translation. All of that is mixed in, like Sin City, with comic book stills and some animations. Between the over the top weird visuals, the wayyyy-too-much-plot, the obviously fake cardboard cut-out weapons, the overly saturated color scheme, and the head pounding moosic mix my poor cow brain was lost…

Ummmm…that “sword” is made from cardboard. Wat???

Fausto Fawcett plays Vlak, and he is the primary writer too. Looks like he’s been involved in moore than a couple Marcelo Santiago projects, as has moost of the udder actors, especially Otto Jr, who plays Draco; not only is he a veteran of Santiago productions and Brazilian TV in general, but his character Draco has appeared in some earlier productions. Clearly some moolah was spent on sets and costumes, and mooch of the production level is not only sound but very stylish and quite hip – but you just gots to ask WHY about some of the choices, like the fake weapons – maybe there is some kind of law in Rio about using plastic ones that look real? Inquiring cows wanna KNOW!

And now introducing Vampire Chicken Face….

Well, the votes are in, and overall the Indie Film Cafe folks were just kind of stunned with this one. Moody gave it a 9, Ms. Sarah went with an 8, and the MooCow went right down the middle with an 8.5, giving Tropical Vampire a Total Stink Score of 25.5, which is a Stinky Average of 8.5. That puts this weird film on the Ladder of Stink tied with From Hell it Came.

Check out the trailer on VIMEO. There is a free version on Youtube, but I think it lacks boobage, you have to pay for that on the channel. It is also currently on Tubi, so check it out! You can also stream it on Prime. But so far this cow has not been able to find a source for either DVD or blu ray, nor is there any swag for the flick out there, at least not for the mooment. It was reviewed over at Movies and Mania, as well as a few bloggers HERE and HERE, but there is not mooch out there on this flick. It is also covered on HorrorCultFilms.com.

I wish I knew what was going on…

Episode 127: Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Hey everybody! Jonathan here again for another blog post! So this was my last episode I hosted for Season 5. And since it was December I wanted to do something semi sort of “Christmas-y” also since it was July that we recorded it I decided that Christmas in the tropics would be a cool theme. So I found one that I hadn’t actually seen yet but knew about and decided to do… “Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman”.  And since I had done Jack Frost before with Paul and this was on Tubi I tried to find a special guest that wasn’t local. So we asked Gaz Morgan to come back for another episode and boy did this new episode not disappoint (much like the movie kind of did) lol 

I mean Jack Frost 1 wasn’t a total winner. It had a few problems of its own but jeez by comparison that movie was Citizen Kane. Now a lot of people love this movie (I’m looking at you Maddie Deering) and that’s okay, like I get it. I get the whole love for these two films but all in all I felt like the movie severely lacked the goofiness this one had. Oh I mean it tried but the goofiness was too in your face that I feel like that kind of screwed everything up. 

What where yer pokin’ yer icicle, fellah!

Some of the original cast came back for this film which was a big treat to see. I kind of wished I had watched the first one right before watching this next one because I almost forgot certain characters (Remember we did Jack Frost in season 2 so it had been like 3 years since I had seen it. The original cast were having a blast coming back to play their parts. I specifically loved seeing Agent Manners back. It was a big coincidence they all wound up there but they did the best explaining it. 

We all laughed at the silliness of the idea to have a snowman on a tropical island… one that can evaporate and just be a carrot in the water. Oh Brother!  But I mean the pure mindlessness of the movie mixed in with the “Science” of it all just sort of made this movie lack the fun and imagination any of these type of killer things that shouldn’t exist movies be. I think after the first movie the writer director said to himself… “What do I do next that will set this one apart from the other one… I know I’ll put in the tropics” And then he decided to throw a bunch of things in that didn’t make any sense

We’re the best thing in the whole darn flick!

Speaking of which the biggest thing it did was introduce him having kids. Baby snowballs. I laughed my ass off at that. It didn’t seem like Gaz was all that impressed. Hell neither him or Paul seemed that thrilled with any of it. I think when this movie was made I was in high school or just getting out so this was more up my dark and scary alley. I sort of enjoy and have a soft spot for these type of flicks. Stuff like Child’s play where there’s a serial killer inside of something silly. This one however I think was just a tad bit too over the top but not in the fun way it should have been. 

With that being said the scores are in…. It seemed that Paul thought it was the most stinky and gave it a 9 on the Stinkometer. While Gaz and and I both gave it an 8 each. Which brought the Stink Total to 25. Which ties it up there with a bunch including: Wild World of Batwoman (Which deserves to be lower than this in my opinion, Totem (another one that should have been more fun), Pocket Ninjas (eeek), Alien Beasts (which I thought was higher… thanks John Ward), Ankle Biters, (Snooze), Cat Women of the Moon (Ehhh), Darkwolf (Grrr Grrr), and Prehistoric Bimbos from Armageddon City (Once again I wish was higher on the Stinkometer).

Anyhoo thank you all so much for checking this out. Paul is coming up next with his two episode write-ups to wrap up Season 5, then we are off to Season 6.  But until then here’s Paul to tell you how to get your grubby little hooves on this flick take it away Paul…

Moo everyone! Well, we has yer trailer for you right HERE. And if you want to watch this flick fer free you can finds it on YouTube and Tubi. Uncle Amazon has it on DVD, Blu Ray AND VHS, because true surrering only comes when you spend the moolah and has it in yer own hooves. Both DVD and Blu Ray are also sold at Best Buy (with original and alternative covers!), GrindhouseVideos.Com, MoviesUnlimited.com, and the DVD can be had for re-sale at both Albris and Ebay. Get the digital poster at SBS, and up to an 11″ x 17″ physical poster at MoviePosters2.com. Get the tee shirt at HorrorFilmTees.com and those of you who like the soundtrack can find it HERE. Also there are some fun reviews of this flick at Dread Central, Hamburgers & Horror, and HorrorSociety.com.


Episode 126: Cornman: American Vegetable Hero (2001)

Who? Who can save the fragile Earth from the vicious depredations of monsters like Dr. Evil and his horrific minions? Why CORNMAN can, that’s who! With his trusty sidekick, Butter Boy, Cornman is here to save us and protect Truth, Justice, and the American Way, through the power of corn. Corn! CORN!!!

Yes, this a-maize-ing moovie has been brought to you from producer and actor Barak Epstein, and the IFC kids are ready to devour it, digest it, and discuss it on the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe! This time, Moody and the MooCow are joined by sweet, innocent Kira ( a friend from the MooCow’s work), and, ummm…let’s just say she was not prepared for the AWESOME EPIC ADVENTURE she was about to behold! Microbudget madness!

I’m gonna ear ya, I’m gonna ear ya reeeeeeall good!

We’re all suckers for a good, awe-inspiring super hero in this country, which is why our moovie theaters and tv screens are full of ’em, but there is NO super hero quite as…well, something…as this one (well, maybe Puma Man)! There are capes! There are fisticuffs! There is corn! There is butter!! There is punk moosic! There are some cute chicks in showers! There is every essential element for having a good old fashioned good time with Cornman – and just wait ’til the ladies get a load of Butter Boy, and get swoooned off of their feet!

Ok, yes, this is a very silly, and stinky, super hero moovie that is just a lot of fun. Traditional super heroes have never been the MooCow’s cuppa Joe, but weird, wacky ones sure are, and Cornman is one of the weirdest and wackiest! The evil Dr. Hoe is trying to control all the corn in the world for his own wicked purposes, and ummm…its up to Cornman and Butter Boy (ably assisted by The Psychic Nose, who, uhhh, has an amazing nose) to stop him. That’s about it, folks, its none too cowplicated! Its part-time comic book parody, part-time Troma stinker, and a whole lotta backyard fun with the friends and family straight to video nonsense. In fact, our old pal Uncle Lloyd himself from Troma introduces the moovie, and if that’s not a seal of approval then dis cow don’t know what one is! And that epic ending with the battle against CORNSPARAGUS is…something to behold!

What will we do when the Evil Dr. Hoe unleashes the monstrous Cornsparagus on us? WHAT WILL WE DOOOO???

Well, the scores are in, and Cornman actually scored pretty well – Moody gave the flick a 7, while the MooCow went with a 7.5, while newbie Kira went with an 8, giving Cornman: American Vegetable Hero a total score of 22.5, which is a Stinky Average of 7.5! That puts Cornman next to Crater Lake Monster and WonTon Ton: The Dog That Saved Hollywood on the Ladder of Stink!

We found a trailer right HERE. Apparently it is streaming on Yidio, whatever the heck that is. Udderwise you gotta git yer hooves on DVD, which you can from Amazon, INetVideo.com, and/or SRS Cinema. You can also buy the disc re-sale through Ebay. There just aint a lotta swag out there for this film, which is moost unfortunate – cowever, I did find a way to support your love of Cornman through this coffee mug sold at Wallyworld. You can also get digital versions of the film poster at Cinematerial.com and MovieposterDB.com. Apparently the boppy soundtrack was released on vinyl, check out Nasdisc it might pop up one day.



Episode 125: Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (1994)

Hey everyone!!! Jonathan Moody is here again with a new episode. And I had to find a movie that I remember really enjoying as a kid. I grew up on Sasha Mitchell (Kickboxer 2; Step by Step) and I was so excited to do a movie that I remembered being kind of fun and entertaining especially if you just turn your brain off. That’s this movie… Class of 1999 II: The Substitute. I remember renting it as a kid and watching it over and over again. But it had been so long since I had seen it last. When I was thinking who could I have as guests on the show first and foremost I couldn’t invite Paul because I already tortured him with Kickboxer 2 for Quick Review Thursday. I had to pick people who would be in to it… so of course I had asked Dustin Hubbard and John Ward. Those two guys have been on other shows with me including, White Wolves: A Cry in the Wild 2 and Totem, so I was excited to have them back together again.  And boy was this new episode a fun show. 

To begin with the story is about Sasha Mitchell playing a character named John Boles: John is the new substitute teacher. In one of the first scenes he kills a guy and puts him in a closet which makes no sense for the rest of the movie because was this the teacher he is replacing? I think we are supposed to be led to believe it but that guys death never comes back. It’s almost as if that story line was just put in there to give him something cool to do. Later John starts to teach the kids lessons in harmful ways. He beats up a bunch of students who refuse to go to class and late blows up said students in a car. It doesn’t seem like there’s any police involved in anything this guy does. 

Hmmmmm, who do I kill next, sooo many choices….

John becomes fixated on a teacher named Miss McKensie. She’s very beautiful but made one fatal mistake which is she turned in a gang member and the gang member got out of jail and was allowed back in the high school. Honestly she should have quit. I mean there’s no reason to risk your life everyday for a job that isn’t really that worth it. Miss McKensie is dating a guy named Emmett Grazer (Played as well as he could by Nick Cassavettes… this is before he directed The Notebook). One day however a bunch of the gang members are coming after McKensie and John stops them. He soon keeps coming to her rescue which goes on Grazer’s radar. Who is this guy? Why is he fixated on my woman? 

Speaking of fixated…. McKensie and Grazer have a steamy sex scene which I can imagine is the only reason Nick joined the cast. I mean it would have been my only reason. Weirdly enough during that scene John is just watching them like a creep. Stalker, much? Another time at her house the house gets shot at by the gang members and guess who’s there to save Miss McKensie… you guessed right? John is there to save the day! Pretty quickly she should have been alerted that there is something weird and creepy about this guy but since he’s always saving her she’s not thinking that.

Would you like a cigarette? No? No??? No…

Oh I forgot to mention we also get a guy named G.D. Ash, played by Deathstalker himself Rick Hill, who is following John and gives us a bit of background on the character. Honestly I wish there would have been more of that and less of the heroic saves. I just would have wanted more of him because he would have helped explain stuff. However since it’s so sporadic that we get it (I wonder if it was an after thought… like no one will understand what’s going on we have to put someone in there to give us more exposition). Anyhoo we find out more about John and why he’s so badass. And it all ties (sort of) in to the first Class of 1999. I won’t give away the ending but there is a bit of a twist. 

All in all in my opinion the movie wasn’t the worst… in fact for a direct to video style sequel of a movie I didn’t even see first I thought it wasn’t terrible but it doesn’t hold up nearly as well as I remembered it. I mean like I said before I would watch this over and over again. I may still watch it every now and then and I think there’s a Blu Ray out there of it which I must own at some point. Anyway those are my thoughts…

Get to class or I KEEEELLLLL YOU!!!!

Well the scores are in and I was very nice and gave it a 6. To me that’s not very high on the Stinkometer. Dustin Hubbard gave it a 7. And John Ward enjoyed it the most giving it a 4. Giving it a total of 17, and a Stinky Average of 5.7. I mean technically it deserves a low rating since it’s not that bad. We’ve seen a hell of a lot worse. And you can hear the movie; you can see the movie. It might be a little convoluted or eye rolling but it has its merits. As for a 17 that puts it up with Gingerdead Man, John Johnson’s Shadow Hunters, and Ski Wolf… seems to be in good company! Anyway thanks for checking out this newest post…

Paul the MooCow will now tell you how to find this movie! Take it away Paul….

Finds the trailerage right HERE. You can sees it for free as OJ on the Tube of You. It is also streaming on Prime, as well as Tubi and Vudu. But if you want yer hot, sweaty little hooves on a copy of your very own, you can get the DVD on Amazon, Vintage Shack.com, and for re-sale through Ebay. You can also get the flick on Blu ray from Uncle Amazon too. Heckers, they even have it on VHS, if that’s your jam. Get the 11 x 17 poster at MoviePosterShop.com and Wallyworld, and the larger 27 x 40 poster at MoviePostersEtc.com, CineMaterial.com, and Posterazzi.com. HorrorFilmTees.com has a tee shirt, if you like, but that’s about it for swag.


Episode 124: Angel’s Descent (2018)

Hey everyone and happy new year! Jonathan A Moody back again… Sorry this is soooo late! It’s been a busy end of the year and it’s only gonna get busier so I figured I’d write this up while I have a little bit of time to do so. For November’s podcast Paul A Presenza and I did an episode with special guest Joe Turek. I had picked a film that Paul and I hadn’t even seen but we were pretty sure was going to be baddddd! And ummm boy were we right. We picked the 2018 flick, Angel’s Descent… what was described as a Faith Based film and really only felt like the exact opposite. Well I’m about to talk to you guys about that.

First off you have to understand both Joe and I are Christians. Paul is an atheist. And he was also really mean to Joe and made him sit through, Geek Maggot Bingo earlier this year. He survived that and, The Janitor… all of which he was not a fan of. And this was probably one of the worst of the worst. We knew by checking out the trailer to this film (Originally titled, “Souls”) that this movie was going to be rough. Thankfully I already showed the trailer to Joe beforehand so he was already prepared. In fact he was a little worried at first because as a Christian he felt it was going to be wrong to talk trash against a movie that’s supposed to be a love letter to God. Don’t worry this was not it.

I zap you with my GOD LIGHTNING!!! :=8O

I first discovered this film when I was looking up deals on Oldies.com. Oldies had some fun movies out there and of course I’m always interested in seeing something I’ve never heard of. Especially so we can review it for Indie Film Cafe. When I saw the trailer for it I was blown away. There was no way this movie could be nearly as bad as the trailer made it come off as. But yes this movie was sooooo terrible that I was just flabbergasted that it even existed.

So what’s wrong with the movie? Well, the first question really should be: What’s right? I mean it feels like someone who may have watched one faith based film in their life try to make a faith based film themselves. A big problem is the fantasy element. If you’re gonna have demons and people descended from Angels there’s needs to be more explanation than just, “I was descended from angels and that’s why I have this power”. That kind of stuff just doesn’t fly in screenplays. You need more structure.

I was descended from angels and that’s why I have GOD LIGHTNING!!! :=8O

A lot of the movie is the main character Dr. Micah and his different patients who come to his house (they couldn’t afford an office) and he gives them arbitrary things to do to fix it. Things that really make no sense but apparently make sense to this movie. The director Johnnie Baker Jr. is a cousin of Sidney Poitier and of course makes sure people know that as much as possible. I don’t think Sidney even wanted to be anywhere involved when he was still alive.

With all honesty children could make a better faith based film than this film. But what I will do is give them credit for making a movie period. It had a beginning, a very long middle, and a weird ass ending so it was actually a movie. The rest of the stuff that happened to this movie you can listen to our podcast and find out.

Grrrrr! Imma DEMON! From the Mirror!!! GRRRRR!!!! Pay no attention to the gloves or mask…

And the scores are in: And we all gave it a resounding 10. Was it a 10 Plus… nahhh… I mean we gave it a ten like The Room or a movie of that nature would get. But in the Ladder of Stink it does join some of the worst of the worst including: Fateful Findings, Zombie Cop, Killer Biker Chicks, Hanuman and the Five Kamen Riders, and many more… tho it’s not nearly as bad and unwatchable as Miss Werewolf. At least no one fell asleep

Well thank you all so much and to take it away and tell us more of how to get it Paul will take over….

MOO!!! Here is a trailer. Here is an udder. There is a third on on Vimeo. Both of these are as “Souls”. As previously mentioned, you can git yer hooves on this frisky lil puppy on Oldies.com. They has an 11 x 17 poster too. You can also get this on the re-sale market on Ebay. Dat’s about it, folks, its a dry, dry desert for this particular moovie out there, even in Interwebzland. Johnnie Baker JR, cowever, has a channel on Youtube. And he wants you to know that he has moovie-making skillz. There is an interesting video interview with him as well HERE. He owns Platinum Kiss Enterprises, a media company in da Philly/NJ area. Check out his Vimeo channel as well! And check out this kewl release of the flick in 2018. AND, he’s FOR HIRE!!!

Sorry, Demon, I had broccoli for lunch…