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Episode 43: Blood Freak (1972)

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Ahhhh, November; a light breeze holds notes of spices and warm happiness on the crispy, autumn air, portending family, friends, and a holiday celebration bursting with tasty food.  Cowversely, it also portends yet an-udder crappy TURKEY moovie here at Indie Film Cafe, and boy do we have a drum stick for you!  Yes, its the 1972 Brad F. Grinter classic Blood Freak, starring burned, ex-Spanish Tarzan Steve Hawkes as a square-jawed hippy turned into a gobbling turkey headed monster who drinks the blood of drug addicts, thanks to some schwag weed.  Oh yeah, folks, it is an instant classic!  With our Science Expert Miss Lenore wisely bowing out, it was up to Charlottesville’s own auteur-in-residence, Darkstone‘s John Johnson, to heroically stand in and face the howling gale of stink that is Blood Freak: check out the latest Indie Film Cafe podcast to see who survived an extra helping of TURKEY INSANITY!!!!
:=8D

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Gobbling…Turkey…Headed…Monster!!!

Poor Herschell – caught between good Christian girl Angel and naughty sexpot Anne, he gets caught up in partying, drug dealing, and experimental turkeys, and winds up both the victim and the antagonist in this monster moovie/Christian drug scare film that has to be seen to be believed.  Director Brad F. Grinter himself appears as the omniscient narrator, who coughs his way through the film, explaining everything by reading off of the script like it was no big thang.  The production levels are low, the acting is generally bad (in spite of the fact that Grinter was himself an acting teacher, and most of the cast were his students), and the special effects were poverty-row miserable.  Heck, even the one and only gore scene was pretty pathetic. and behold the Attack of the Howling Man-Woman!  :=8O

However, the film is the only moovie specifically endorsed by the Southern Baptist Convention for its positive Christian message to pray to god and avoid drugs.  At one point, during a supposed-drug party, a hippy sticks what looks like Chapstick up her nose, to ‘snort’.  Egads, even the dozens of black velvet tiger pictures were embarrassed at his point…

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Whattaya hangin’ around here for?  Get it, hanging around??  GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!

Yeah, this one just sorta left the whole herd shaking their heads in disbelief.  As for scoring, well Moody and the MooCow, both hearty stink vets, awarded Blood Freak 9.5s, while a highly amoosed John Johnson kindly awarded a 7.5, which generates a total Stink Score of 26.5, and a Stink Average of 8.8: very stinky!!!  :=8D

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Stuff yourself with the trailer for this gem HERE.  Some kind soul put the whole thing up on the Tube of You – check it out HERE.  COWever, if yer like me (and I sincerely hope you are not), and you prefer to have the physical medium to hold and cuddle to your chest, the head over to Amazon for the Special Edition dvd!  Copies also pop up on Ebay from time to time; Breast Buy has it in a dvd double feature with a 1973 film called The Pyx, with Karen Black!  And yes, you can still find VHS copies on Amazon, if that spices yer pumpkin.  And check out this nifty Blood Freak tee shirt from TEEPUBLIC!  The MooCow got one, you should too!  Get the classic poster at CineMaterial!  Teepublic also has a kewl Blood Freak MAGNET which would look very classy stuck on yer ‘fridge!  Finally, Temple of Schlock has a nice little remembrance site for the now sadly-departed Steve Hawkes.  He was truly a turkey for all seasons…

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Happy…cough, cough…Happy Thanks…cough cough…Giving!  Cough!

Well, if your family needs a hot turkey stuffed with craziness, you can’t really go wrong with a big ol’ heapin’ slice of Blood Freak.  Its a tasty treat of stink that has earned the Indie Film Cafe seal of approval – bring a copy to your next Thanksgiving feast, and see if anybody bothers to argue about politics again!
;=8)

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42a – Killer Tongue: Just One Moore Lick!

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Whatchoo lookin’ at, freak?

Well, we finally did it, we finally caught up Miss Lenore with the last stinky moovie than needed a third score, and now the Stinkometer is finally up to date with 3 scores for everything!  While Moody and the MooCow sort of liked this weird Spanish indie cult film, poor Lenore was having nun of it, and awarded the film a 9.5 – the same score she gave Actium Maximus!  WOW!!!  :=8O

Check out the latest mini-podcast to hear what Lenore had to say about this moovie, and maybe see if this tongue from outer space has grown on YOU…
;=8)

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Poor Johnnie didn’t PICK the right one…

 

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Episode 42: Raiders of the Lost Shark (2015)

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Yeah.  The dvd cover seems pretty epic, doesn’t it?  And the movie?  Weeeeellllllllll…not so much.  Talk about jumping the shark!
:=8P

Still reeling from the horrific Nic Cage vampire flick, the kids at Indie Film Cafe were next assaulted by this stinky shark flick that smells like old bait left out in the sun for too long.  We are talking about, of course, “Raiders of the Lost Shark”, and if you came looking for fun parody flick that paid lighthearted homage to both “Jaws” and “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, you would be sorely disappointed.  Folks who bought this tripe were bemoaning their Lost Dollars – check out the latest podcast EPISODE to hear all the gory details!

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Well, if I’m here it can’t be too bad…can it?  Wait…

So, there is a lake in Canada, and it has a shark problem, specifically the same shark problem that haunted the area in a previous moovie, “Jurassic Shark”.  It seems folks are getting themselves et, including old guards trying to pass off as teenagers, their dates, and some dumb students who have trouble sitting in a boat.  There is a crazy scientist, a dragon lady who runs a secret military lab, a loopy boat captain who gets his head bit off, a sheriff with no pants, and a fish scientist whose sister was et in the first film.  And, of course, there is the titular “Lost Shark”, who might be lost, but who can hide all 35 feet of himself in 3 feet of water AND fly in the sky like an evil toothy rocket.  And it roars.  Are we getting the picture here?

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ROAR!

Yeahhhhh.  This moovie is about as lame as a one-legged greyhound.  The jokes are flat, the acting bad, the fx cheesy AF, and the whole thing just comes off as pathetic.  Canadian Director Brett Kelly (“My Dead Girlfriend”, “Prey for the Beast”, “Pirates: Quest for Snake Island”) has dabbled before in low budget cheesy howlers, but this one just feels lazy, half-assed, and technically bojangled.  Scenes take place in empty, half-finished sets, or on an “island”, which feels moore like clump of weeds surrounding a flooded storm drain.  And that roaring CGI shark is just…yuck.  Ohhh the simmering flavor of FAIL, Ottawa style!  According to their IndiGoGo page, the special effects cost them 900 bucks – atsa lotta Tim Horton’s!

I dunno moost of the people involved in this flick, probably because they’re all from UP THERE! Candice Lidstone (“The Scarecrow Club”, “Homicycle”, “Hen’s Night”) plays fish Professor Carly Reynolds; she does the best she can with what she’s been given, but its not mooch; still, she gives one of the better performances.  Udders who are good include  Kendra Summerfield (“Homicycle”, “Ghastlies”) who plays a busty blonde student who gets et; and snuggly Faith Rayah (“Kissproof World”, “Friday Night Death Slot”) who plays a snobby Quebecois hottie who also gets et, unfortunately.  Catherine Mary Clark (“Homicycle”, “Spyfall”, “C.R.Usher”) plays the wooden Dragon Lady who is trying to cowvince Carly to help her kill the “prehistoric shark”.  Cutie Tanisha Valcin (“Avenging Force: The Scarab”) plays the bikini-clad “FLYING SHAAAAARK” girl

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Are you sure this is a lake and not a chemical plant cooling pond?  Wait, there’s a shark in THIS??

Well, it was unanimous: Moody, the MooCow, and special guest Lenore the Science Babe all scored 9s for “Raiders of the Lost Shark”, which adds up to a Stink Total of 27 – which is actually less than I would have expected.  Still, a moost palpable cloud of stink on this one…even though they clearly were not taking this seriously.

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“Raiders of the Lost Shark” was a Wild Eye Releasing, and the trailer can be found HERE.  Brett Kelly Entertainment has their own trailer HERE.  Youtube is full of reviews, this one by MrTonyoftheDead kind of hits the nail on the head.

C’mon, who doesn’t love a stinky shark moovie, right?  For all its failings, the moovie is still a lot of fun, so you might as well add it to your cowllection!  You can buy it at Amazon, OR better yet, from Best Buy on a Shark Attack 3 Pack along with “Sharkenstein” and “Shark Exorcist’!  And of course you can always find it at Target.  Not a lot of merch out there for this, but you can get the soundtrack from Amazon, if you wish.  And for you Brett Kelly diehards out there, HERE is the on-line script of the moovie, so you won’t miss even one tasty verbal morsel.

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Yaaaar!  Me hand grew back!  Hope my head doesn’t get bitten off!

Well, the kids at Indie Film Cafe say just when you thought it was safe to watch a cheap, silly shark flick, “Raiders of the Lost Shark” will make you laugh yourself into shark chum.  Check it out, but keep an eye peeled on the sky!

:=8o

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Episode 41: Vampire’s Kiss (1989)

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Holy shnoiks!  Are the kids at Indie Film Cafe finally doing a Nic Cage moovie??  You bet we are!  And we’re doing his bestest, wildman, crazy, unhinged, and unCAGEd performance evahhh, with the wonderfully weird and somewhat stinky Vampire’s Kiss!  So buckle yer seatbelts, kiddos, and hang on because the latest EPISODE dives deep, deep, deep into Cage Country!

:=8D

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Seen me before, have you?  now you know where I’m from!

Sooooo, yeah, Nic Cage plays Peter, a creepy, womanizing literary agent who gets bit by a bat and begins to think he is turning into a vampire – for realsies.  That means he is haunted by a sexy Jennifer Beals with fangs, starts to torment his milquetoast secretary Alva (played by the cutie pie Maria Conchito-Alonso, from “Colors”) , eats pigeons and cockroaches, and basically loses his shit in the moost batshit crazy operatic way possibleOver the top is a mild way of describing the man’s acting in this film.  Even so, Cage is mesmerizing – you literally have no clue what he is going to do next!

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C’mon, at least you can’t say my acting was wooden in this one, there was so much at stake!

There is just a buffet of wackiness in this film that has to be seen and experienced to be believed, and almoost all of it cowming from the Cage man himself – although it mooost be said that Jennifer Beals does make for a sexy and dangerous vampire herself.  Unfortunately for Peter, he only thinks he is a vampire; the shots that Alva sends at him are only blanks, he does not burn in the sun light, his coffin is only an upside down couch, he drags around a pathetic splintered piece of wood for a stake, his reflection DOES show up in a mirror, and, worst of all, he resorts to wearing ridiculous, obvious plastic fangs because he has none of his own.  I mean, by the end of this film all you can really say is WOW!

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Doctor…I’m really afraid that my fake teeth are clearly plastic…

Well, in spite of Hurricane Cage, the kids at Indie Film Cafe didn’t think the moovie overall was particularly stinky: Moody gave it a 5, the MooCow cow chipped in with a 5.5, while special guest Just Jenn gave it the nicest score with a 3.  While their scores did not cownt in the finally tally or average, guests Lenore and twin sister Yolanda scored 5 and 6 respectively.  That gives Vampire’s Kiss a final Stink Total of 13.5, and an Average Stink Score of 4.5.  Not too shabby!

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As always, check out the trailer HERE.  Get yer hooves on a dvd copy at Amazon.  Or get it second-hoof at Ebay.  You can also find copies through Albris, FYE, and ElvisDVD.  There is a blu ray combo with the moovie High Spirits that is out of print, but you can get it at Target , Shout Factory ,  and Barnes & Noble.  The Tube of You has director Robert Bierman’s comments about the film, if yer dying to know those, and who isn’t?  You can find commentary about the film from the man himself, Nicholas Cage, HERE and HERE with none udder than Kevin Smith!     TeePublic has a fantastic tee shirt that fans of this flick simply mooooost have!  You can get it on a mug from them too!  Redbubble has a great tee too.  Get yer 27 x 40 poster from AMAZON.  Film School Rejects has a fun list of 47 things they learned from this moovie, and we’re sure they cud find 47 moore, if they looked harder.  AND, for cowpleatists, if you NEED a vegan iron-on adhesive embroidery Vampire’s Kiss patch, then Etsy has you covered.

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We here at Indie Film Cafe know yer gonna love Vampire’s Kiss, so check it out, right in time fer COW-lloween!
:=8D

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Episode 40: Now You Know (2002)

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Well, as some of you who know Moody and the MooCow know, we are big fans of anything from the Kevin Smith/View Askew universe, even projects only remootly cownnected – and NOW YOU KNOW that we just had to do Jeff Anderson‘s 2002 weird rom-com “Now You Know”!  Ok, there are no vampires, ninjas, or guys waddling around in rubber monster suits (moore’s the pity), but it does have appearances by Kevin Smith, his charming wife, and udders from the View Askew-verse, and it all comes from the brainchild birthed by none udder than Jeff Anderson (Randal in “Clerks) himself.  So check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe, and see what our thinkin’s are about this flick!

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Get ready folks for loads of intense CHATTING!!!  but no monsters…

So, the story, in a nut shell, is about a dude named Jeremy (that would be “Six Feet Under”‘s Jeremy Sisto) in Vegas the eve of his bachelor party, he learns his fiancee – that would be Kerri, played by “Parks & Rec”‘s Rashida Jones, wants to call off the wedding, and he insists he has no idea why.  So, he returns to Jersey, digs up his old naerdowell friends (Jeff Anderson, as Gil, and Trevor Fehrman, as Biscuit), to sort things out, and, well, lets just say that there is a LOT of talking, some midnight furniture rearranging, a 13 year old boy who grabs some boobage, various shenanigans, and a whole lot of everything BUT sorting things out.  Because honestly, we’re not here to find out who marries who, but to spend time with some wacky characters and enjoy their torture and torment.

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Someone take this flappin’ bowling ball off my hand!

Udders who show up in this film include the always-hot Paget Brewster, Heather Dunbrow, Earl Boen, Stuart Pankin, and Todd Babcock.  Its a fun little film with a great cast that nevertheless has a bit of a problem with length, focus, and just oodles and oodles of chatting, some of which is lots of fun, some of which is just sort of not.

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“Hey look, everyone runs over a tiny yapping dog with a lawnmower now and then…”

Not a bad little film for a change of pace from the usual stream of much we wade through.  Moody awarded the film a 4, while the MooCow gave a 5.5, and resident Science Expert Lenore gave it a 3, perhaps glad that there was no poorly presented science this time.  That means “Now You Know” has a total Stink Score of 12.5, and a Stink Average of 4.1.  Not too shabby!

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Trailer is HERE.  And a fun little interview with Jeff Anderson and Kevin Smith about the moovie is HERE.  You can get a DVD copy pretty cheap these days from Amazon, and copies show up now and again on EbayBrightlights Books also has a copy.  Udder than that, there ain’t a whole lot out there about this film, so find a copy if you can.

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You don’t need a drink to enjoy this film, but it can’t hurt…

The kids at Indie Film Cafe say check out the 2002 rom-com “Now You Know”, and put yourself back into a View Askew frame of mind!

:=8)