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Episode 122: Toad Warrior (1996)

Save us Max Hell, SAVE US!!!! And save us, Donald G. Jackson, from Boring Hollywood Remake Hell, as only you and Scott Shaw can! PLUS, special guest appearance by Joe Estevez, Conrad Brooks, and everyone’s favorite plastic purple gator, ROLLER GATOR!!! Yep, this episode has it all, and Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Johnny Johnson are here to talk about this post-apocalyptic desert ‘everybody’s wearing sunglasses for no apparent reason’ classic Toad Warrior, only on Indie Film Cafe!

Toad! I’ll chop those legs and have ’em for dinner!

In a grim, desolate future America, the world has been wiped out by the Toad Plague, and only MAX HELL can save the last of humanity from the evil clutches of Estevez‘s Mickey O’ Malley and his goon squad of…well, poorly costumed frogs left over from Hell Comes to Frogtown, and a few hot chicks with swords. I mean, there are far worse ways to go, know what I mean? Oh yeah, Conrad Brooks and Roller gator pop in for a cameo too. Max Hell is Scott Shaw‘s sun glasses-toatin’, samurai sword-fightin’, black suit in the blazing sun wearin’ version of Max Rockatansky from the Mad Max franchise, sort of the Dollar Store version. But its ok, Dollar Store Max Hell is pretty darn fun too, and you won’t mind the bad costumes, tarps used as caves, cheap plastic guns, or any of the udder budget issues surrounding this film because, as usual, Shaw and Jackson somecow manage to make these desert sand-poor moovies fun and enjoyable and interesting.

Dunno where this came from but LET”S USE IT!!!

The story behind this one is a doozie, since apparently, according to Scott Shaw himself, this cut of the film was not up to their lofty standards and was not supposed to be released, and then someone sold it anycow, and released it anyways – hate it when that happens! Anycow, the real version of this film is actually called Max Hell: Frog Warrior, and it is a fairly different cut from this film, and is probably a better film – but we still kind of like this cheaper, stinkier version, moostly because it was the only one we had at the studio! There is also a First Cut version of the film called the Zen Cut, which I is dying to check out as well! And don’t forget, snuggle X-rated actress Jill Kelly is in here too!

Anytime you team up Donald G. Jackson and Scott Shaw with Joe Estevez, yer gonna come up with B moovie gold – now you toss in Conrad Brooks and Baby Gator as well, heckers you’ve got B moovie PLATINUM! John Johnson absolutely loved this flick, while Moody and the MooCow also enjoyed it, although they also pointed out the film’s many stinky bona fides too. This flick got a 6 from Moody, an 8 from the MooCow, and, for an Indie Film Cafe FIRST, a -1 from John Johnson, because he liked the film soooo much he wanted it to score well. That gives Toad Warrior an overall Stink Score of 13, and that’s a Stinky Average of 4.3 – on the Ladder of Stink, Toad Warrior nestles in right below Vampire’s Kiss, and right above Now You Know and Polymorph.

Well, since this was not supposed to be released, there is no trailer of this version of the film, although there is one for Max Hell: Toad Warrior right HERE. And you can check out that Zen First Cut HERE as well. There is also a short, B&W SILENT moovie version of this film as well, because you just can’t get enough Max Hell VS Froggies! And for the love of god, hie thee hither to Scott Shaw’s amazing website, it is LOADED with tons of great stuff, including a whole section devoted to the history of Toad Warrior! From there you can get the Streaming version from Kunaki.com, and also stream it through Amazon Prime. Good luck finding it on DVD though, the only place this cow knows of is as part of a 4-pack compilation dvd called Girls From Another World, which is both expensive and out of print, and is moost likely the group who bootlegged the unofficial version from Jackson and Shaw in the first place. It also has Roller Gator and Big Sister 2000, which are also Shaw/Jackson classics, but its always best to get those moovies from the authentic source, if possible. There is no mech or schwag with this film either, I am sorry to say, but do check out the Shaw website for stuff related to Max Hell Frog Warrior, and get it all from there.

I mean, c’mon…we all need a little moore Conrad Brooks and Baby Gator in our lives, right??
;=8)

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Episode 121: Boltneck (1998)

Hey everybody… Jonathan Moody back here again. This time to talk about the 1998 flick, “Boltneck” AKA Teen Monster or Big Monster on Campus. Whatever you might know it as. I’ve been dying to do this flick for so long because I absolutely loved it when I first saw it. It’s not a very stinky movie as you will hear later but I knew Paul would not want to sit through it because its about teenagers – and we should all know by now how he truly feels about movies with teenagers as the protagonists. So I asked two of my beautiful special guests to come on… Liz Fletcher and MeeChee Hazen. Both of them have never met before so it was a fun discussion! I wasn’t entirely sure what they would think of it. But check out the latest IFC episode to hear their full thoughts.

Ughhh, look at that ugly hat, DEFINITELY the 90’s…. :=8P

Here is what IMDB says: 

At a party, one student gets picked on and ends up getting thrown into a pool that has no water in it. Frank, a geek, retrieves a brain from his father’s lab and agrees to let the boy have it in exchange for a chance to hang with the popular crowd. The brain, it turns out, originally belonged to a serial killer. As the teen monster goes haywire, popular Macy becomes romantically involved with former geek Frank– Anonymous 

The cast is one of my favorites: Frank Stein is played by Matthew Lawrence (yes, one of the Lawrence brothers… most notably in my favorite series Boy Meets World). I am sure his middle name was something with an N, Frank N Stein. Ryan Reynolds plays  Karl O’Reilly who is very convincing as a shy goth kid who after being killed his brain is swapped with a serial killer who is so happy to get a second chance at life. Christine Lakin plays Macy who is Frank’s crush. Justin Walker and Christian Payne are the two bullies who killed Karl. Shelley Duvall and Judge Reinhold are a lot of fun as Frank’s parents. Charles Fleisher (who if that name sounds familiar its because he does the voice of Roger Rabbit) plays an awkward teacher. And one of my favorite actors Richard Moll (From TV’s Night Court) is Karl’s drunken and abusive dad. 

Braaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiins…..

This is very much a Teen Young Frankenstein… maybe you can call it An Even Younger Frankenstein. Ryan Reynolds is his typical Ryan Reynolds self but this was before he got super famous for being in Van Wilder. All the cast did an exceptional job. For a movie that was for the most part lacking in budget it seemed to make up for in a fun comedic script. The writer was Dave Payne who  wrote films before like “Concealed Weapon”, “Alien Terminator”, and Criminal Hearts”. I think this was a very well crafted screenplay. Though I do wanna look up Alien Terminator and maybe do that someday for Indie Film Cafe. 

The direction of this movie felt very normal. Not any kind of style but the director had a lot of fantastic people to work with so he was able to do a great job. Mitch Marcus is credited as the director and Sharkzilla director John Blush is uncredited, but I have no idea the full story on that. Whether the director was fired or replaced or just the other director was called in to help out. Sadly there’s no story about it on the IMDB trivia and to my knowledge there are no DVDs or Blu Rays with commentary as a special feature. Though that would be an interesting thing to find out and research. If anyone knows any information about that please contact us at indiefilmcafe@gmail.com .Overall though this movie was just a lot of fun. It has cracked me up and my other guests seemed to enjoy it as well… so on to the scores:

The Scores are in… And as I said I really loved it and of course gave it the lowest score of 2. MeeChee Hazen loved it close enough and gave it a 2.5. But Liz was a bit harsher on it and gave it a 4.. For a stink score of 8.5. Not too shabby. Interestingly enough this is the first in the ladder of stink to get an 8.5. I am sure it will not be the only one though. But hey something has to start it all. 

And there ya have it thank you guys so much for checking this out and the Moo Cow is going to tell you all how you can get your hooves on a copy of this flick… Take it away, Paul….

Moo! So HERE is the trailer, udder the name Teen Monster. Ughhh, teenagers…. :=8P
You can watch this zit-faced nonsense for free on YOUTUBE, or be prepared to pony up some dough to git yer hooves on the DVD from AMAZON or via re-sale on Ebay. Cinematerial.com has the digital poster of the film, and dat’s pretty mooch it for schwag since this moovie is pretty mooch an non-entity. Horror Society did a review of the film back in the day, and Looper did a ranking of all 44 of Ryan Reynolds’ moovies, worst to best, and this one got pegged as worst, so there’s that.

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Episode #120: Blind Ghost (2021)

Oh Alix Villaret…so pretty, so sweet, so ho-hum as an actress. You deserve better than this absolute mess of a ‘ghost’ flick – oh, there is a ghost, finally, that shows up in the waning last few mooments of this weird-ass film, but its NOT blind, and by the time it shows up moost people watching are either already asleep, have turned the film off, or no longer care. From the folks who brought us the equally dreadful Dollface, so we knew what we were getting into! Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe where Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host actress Jackey Hall, all moan and groan and gnash their teeth over this oddball wanna-be horror moovie!

Its always fun when yer lawyer is a weird survivalist garden gnome who refuses to wear a shirt…

Yeahhh…so Alix plays a regular old fashioned LA girl named Lily, who happens to have a thick French accent, and who gets blinded in an ‘accident’ – her weird family either doesn’t care, or are busy getting their entire faces tattooed, you know, as you do. She then refuses to learn braille, because why on earth would she do that? There some kind of inheritance involved, which means its time to worry about the rest of the family, and for the strange garden gnome who passes for a lawyer to get involved by stripping his shirt off and guzzling beers at various meetings – you know, as you do. Mix in Uncle Tattooface, Detective Bonkers (his actual name!), who likes to sleep with mouse traps, and various udder weird characters, and you have a serious WTF stinker on your hooves! Which is good because plot-wise, the moovie is pretty mooch a snorefest. There is nothing even remootely violent or scary, but there is enough unnecessary weirdness to at least keep stink-fans from falling asleep.

Uncle TattooFace is ready to PAR-TAYYY!!! Where’s the booze?

All of this cowfusing wonderfullness comes from the world of SP Releasing, an indie mooovie company featuring the Pauls: Stuart Paul (writer and director of this here film, as well as Dollface) and Steven Paul (Producer of same), with a few extra Pauls (Hank and Samuel Mason, and Dorothy Koster Paul) tossed in for good measure. I’m really hoping there is a Paul Paul in there somewhere because as we all know YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH PAULS WORKING ON A FILM!!! :=8O

I know, its apPAULing…

Sorry, Unc, but I’m kinda glad I’m blind right now…

Ughhh, just soooo much nothing happens in this film; the acting ranges from fairly wooden to way over the top; the production values also range from fairly decent to bad lighting and weird camera angle choices; and the plot is silly and seems painfully aware that not mooch is going on, and so tosses in various silly things, like katsup, to cover up the overall blandness. Its a shame because udderneath all of this junk there cud have been a fun little indie film, given a bit moore care, polish, and someone to step in now and then to say ‘No, dude, make the garden gnome put his shirt back on…”.

BUT, fair warnings folks, you can expect a lot moore SP Releasing films on Indie Film Cafe, cause, stinky or no, we digs what these guys are shovelin’…and we digs Alix Villaret, and we are CERTAIN that one of these oddball films is gonna capture her brilliance – SOON!

BOO! Imma ghost! Not just a crappy CGI projection, nope! A real…ghost…kind of…

Wow, the IFC kids cudn’t WAIT to give this film a 10 each, specially Jackey Hall who was flabbergasted by this feeble flick – just goes to show you should never udderestimate the MooCow for finding quality STINK! 10’s all around = an-udder 30 for Season 6, which may end up the stinkiest season yet! Straight up to Stinky Heaven with this one!

Check out the O-fficial trailer right HERE. Is on Tubi for free, along with a bunch of udder SP Releases. Is on Prime too. You can also stream it via SP Releasing on Vudu. If u want the physical copy, well the IFC folks have found it at their local Dollar Tree, along with the udder $1.25 flotsam and jetsam, but yer local one may or may not have it – check ’em all out, just to be sure! It also pops up on Ebay. a Blu Ray is SUPPOSED to be available at Walmart, but there’s nut’n honey there when you click – maybe you have to be blind or a ghost to see it, I dunno. You can get the digital poster of the film at Cinematerial.com and Themoviedb.org. That’s about it for schwag, unfortunately. If yer obsessed over Alix Villaret, like the MooCow is, here are a few sites featuring her: Instagram, SP Release article, an-udder SP Release article. And the homeship for SP Releasing can be found right here, with articles and trailers for all their stuff. We keeeed a lot about these moovies, but please, if you can support independent film making please do, we love our indies, even the stinky ones, because at least they’re trying to do something different and fun, so we put out the word whenever we can.

Oh Mr. Plastic Skeleton, when do I get to take my shirt off again??
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Episode #119: Dahmer VS Gacey (2010)

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody back again for another blog review. This time I found a film that John Ward and Paul Presenza owned that way we could review it by Zoom. The movie I chose as you can obviously tell was the 2010 flick, “Dahmer VS Gacy”… one of the first and maybe only time you will see two dead serial killers who never actually met in real life duke it out to see who is the supreme Serial killer…. Wait what? Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe episode to hear our reactions!

Cannibal VS Clown – does anyone truly win?? :=8/

Here’s the IMDB Synopsis so you can better understand:
A secret government has been trying to create the ultimate killer using the DNA of infamous killers Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy, but there’s one big problem: they’ve escaped! Bloody mayhem stretches across the United States as they go on the ultimate killing spree. Trying to stop the maniacal madness is Ringo, a hick warrior, using only a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey. It all leads up to the ultimate showdown!

Dahmer VS Gacy  to me was kinda fun. I know I’m gonna get a lot of crap for that and some people didn’t dig it as much including Paul and John. But I really had a fun time. There were things obviously that I thought could have been better.  I thought the actors were pretty well cast including…  Randal Malone as John Wayne Gacy would have been so cool but he wasn’t in it enough. He had some pretty good moments but overall it was a very lackluster performanceFord Austin as both Jeffrey Dahmer and the guy who was sent to find him and bring him back was great casting but overall it didn’t amount to much.  Like at the end of the movie it just felt like okay its over. He also Directed.

Stop calling me snack-sized! That’s not me, that’s the other guy!

At least we got a real VS kind of film… it happens toward the end but most of these low budget VS movies barely have actual scenes where the two characters are fighting each other. Remember when we reviewed Bigfoot VS Krampus on Quick Review Thursday. Bigfoot and Krampus didn’t even fight each other. They barely even saw each other. But in this we do get a showdown. It isn’t at all as epic as I was hoping. But its really done for comedic effect. 

Speaking of comedy… if you were expecting this to be a serious movie at all you have another thing coming to you cause it ain’t. It’s silly and stupid and fun. If you are taking this seriously you need help. Professionally. But that’s just my personal opinion. I’d still seek it because this movie is so stupid it actually made me enjoy it. I love movies like this. Sadly both of my hosts on the show didn’t feel the same way. They were very disappointed by it and were shocked that I actually dug it. 

Funny thing is the Dahmer Netflix series just came out this month and we released it around the same time. That was actually not planned but hey that’s a great coincidence. So if you enjoyed watching the Dahmer series which actually also had John Wayne Gacy in it (Spoiler… sorry) then go check it out and then watch Dahmer VS Gacy after. That sounds like a fun double feature to me.  

Q: Are you really that grotesquely stupid? A: Heck, yeah!

So I guess the scores are in… and as I said, Paul and John were not overly thrilled by this flick. John found it kind of meh while Paul thought it was pretty stinky. I on the other hand gave it a pretty low score. I gave it a 2, Paul gave it an 8, and John have it a 5 giving it a Stink Score of 15, and a Stinky Average of 5.0. Which pretty much puts in the Meh pile. Here are some other Meh movies that also got a 15 on the Ladder of StinkSanta’s Slay, It Waits, and Don’s Plum! Those were truly Meh movies.

Well I hope you guys enjoyed that last podcast. Paul is up next and in a sec he will be telling you all how to get your grubby little hooves on this flick! Take it away Paul! 

Moo! Well, we gots yer trailer right HERE. Amazon is streaming it on Prime. The DVD is over at Uncle Amazon, and it also pops up on re-sale sites like Ebay. There is a Blu Ray too, if you really want it. Get the 27″ x 40″ poster at Wally World, or Ebay, Wish, and/or MoviePosterShop.com. If u really wanna splurge you can drop 40 big ones and get the moovie promo Tee Shirt on Ebay. And for some reason one of the songs in the flick, I dunno which one, is on Apple, because of course it is. Udder folks have covered or reviewed this moovie too, check ’em out.

Where’s MY Netflix series???
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Episode 118: Maradonia and the Shadow Empire (2016)

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody back again for a brand new review! This time we’re talking about a fantasy movie beyond any kind of fantasy. A fantasy so fantastic that the filmmakers actually thought this film was going to be good. We’re talking about the movie, “Maradonia and the Shadow Empire”, or as the poster says, “Maradonia The Shadow Empire”…. Anyhoo I couldn’t figure out who to subject to this crappy film. I decided to enlist the help of John Ward who has been a guest on multiple episodes and of course Paul Presenza cause well how many terrible movies has he subjected me to… I lost count! Hear us on a very LONG latest podcast episode, there was just so much to talk about!

WE are the Empire! All three of us!

The plot from Letterboxed (It doesn’t even have a synopsis on IMDB… that’s bad):

Maya and Joey, a young brother and sister from the small city of Oceanside, find a gap in the fence of a Government property. Going through it, they soon discover the entrance to a Cave with a hidden tunnel that leads them to a strange place and world on the other side. Maradonia, a world between the worlds and with the youngsters arrival, the ancient prophecy of the Light King is fulfilled: “In the last days at the end of the age, when two silver birds attack the twin brothers, two children will arrive in the land of Maradonia and show the fallen angel and ruler of the Shadow Empire, his limitations”. In the legendary land of Maradonia, the ordinary lives of Maya and Joey change forever. As brother and sister find themselves in an unfamiliar and perilous world ruled by magic and dark power, a journey brimming with excitement and adventure begins. 

Well yes all of that was in the movie but ohhh man so much other crap was thrown in to it! For example, a random class that I guess was supposed to explain things but went on weird tirades about the 9/11 attacks that had nothing to do with the movie. Characters that pop in and out and seem like they have something to do with the rest of the film that don’t. That actually happens a lot more than I would like in the world of independent film-making. The acting can get so atrocious that you just want to shut the movie.

Thanks for all the LARP stuff, its great…

The direction if you can call it that is so non-existent that it feels most of the time that the “director” was just having the camera follow the people, but add nothing cinematic to the flick. And speaking of the director, Gerry Tesch, he is the father of the main lead (who is also the writer), a girl named Gloria Tesch, who I guess convinced her father to put his home up for mortgage to finance the film. They raised a lot of money between 800,000 to a million dollars to film this trash. I wish they had used that money to hire a real director.  Not trying to speak ill of the dead because sadly Gerry Tesch has passed away, but dear God he should have allowed more help to make this film. It’s a terrible terrible train wreck. So much so that the filmmakers who worked on this did everything they could to bury it. You can’t find this on streaming and DVD or anything like that. I’ll let Paul tell you more about  that in a sec. 

All in all this movie was so bad that Gloria Tesch changed her name to Sofia Nova and now makes new novels and also raps on the side. You know you’re in trouble when a filmmaker is also a white rapper. Ugh! Just know you’re all lucky you can’t see this flick.

Got goo on yer face, a big disgrace….

This was another unanimous 10’s all around. A 30 but not really a 30 plus – this isn’t Miss Werewolf, but damn would it be close. Stink Average score of 10. This is up there in Stinky Heaven with all the other 30s, like Fateful Findings, Lycan Colony, Zombie Cop, and more! 

Phew… well I am done talking about this stinker so I will pass it off to Paul who can add whatever he can for this…

Well, it ain’t gonna be much… :=8(

Unfortunately, you can’t buy this feeble flick anywhere, ’cause Gloria Tesch made damn sure no one will see, hear about, or remember this moovie ever again – except, of course, for crap hounds like us at Indie Film Cafe! No trailers, no merch, pretty much nut n honey, EXCEPT some kind soul did add the film to Youtube, udder another name, so we can all revel in the horrific glory! There are also one or two udder groups who talk about or do videos about the film as well, although it is pretty obscure – not even the MooCow had herd about it! But if it ever gets a release, and oh yea gods we all hope it DOES, you can be sure we will update this site for you!
:=8)