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Episode 37: Vampire Cop (1990)

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Hay, you’ve got your cop in my vampire moovie!  No, you have a vampire in my cop moovie!  Two great tastes that taste awful when cowbined together!  Yes, its the late 1980’s/early 1990’s, that Jurassic park of Straight-to-Video horror moovie swamps that just seems to have no bottom.  Weirder things than Vampire Cop have slithered up from its inky depths, but not by much.  Director Donald Farmer, he who gave the world such stinky classics as “Cannibal Hookers”, “Shark Exorcist”, and the always-fun “Chainsaw Cheerleaders “, offered us this prize back in 1990, when the world needed it so very mooch.  The always-erudite Joe Bob Briggs perhaps said it best about this moovie: ““Twelve breasts. Twelve dead bodies. Multiple neck fanging. Double vampire sex in a bathtub! Joe Bob says check it out!”.  If that is not a ringing endorsement, then I dunno what is!  behold our latest IFC PODCAST and see what all the moaning and hand wringing is about!

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Rahhh!  I’m a Vampire!  Really!  Check out these fangs!  Rahhh!

Ed Cannon plays Vampire Cop Lucas, and if you’ve never herd of him before, well, that’s mainly because, as far as this cow can tell, he never worked in the biz before or after (apart from producing “Jam Party Remixed” in 2010, whatever the heck that was).  he wasn’t particularly cowvincing as either a cop OR a vampire, but his hairspray really made his hair stay in place.  So there’s that.  Next we have the always-lovely Melissa Moore (“Hard to Die”, “Samurai Cop”, “Bimbo Penitentiary”), who plays Melanie Roberts, the cute, intrepid tv reporter who just wanders wherever the hell she wants to, and can find Lucas the instant she wants him – like your worst nightmare girlfriend come to life.

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You can’t hide from me, I know EXACTLY where you are!

Together, they must fight corrupt local ‘business man’ Hans Geiger, an oily drug dealer with a smooth voice who ends up melting into a pizza steak after HE becomes a vampire, and gets dragged into the sun by our boy Lucas.  His nerdly, pencil-neck geek henchman looks like he should be selling shoes in a mall rather than menacing people with chainsaws, but there it is.  Oh, and there is a guy who spends like 6 days in a bathtub… Featuring copious udder action, horrible 80’s moosic and wardrobes, mootiple slow-motion shots, grainy 16mm film, and the same scenes recycled and shown over and over and over again, this horror cheapie is clearly one for the record books.

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Whaddya want for lunch, pizza?  Lasagna?  Something with cheese?

If you asked Hitler if he wanted to see Vampire Cop in the bunker just before they lit his ass on fire with gasoline, I am sure he’d reply “Nein, Nein Nein!!” – which is exactly what the Indie Film Cafe crew scored for this film!  Moody, Lenore, and the MooCow all gave nines to this ridiculous vampire/law enforcement mash-up, which scores a full 27 on the Stinkometer, and averages out to a full 9.0.  Stinky, for sure, but also cowsistant!

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We got out trailerage right HERE.  Git yer hooves on a copy from the Amazon.  Better yet, get it from SRS Cinema, to get the Director’s cut!  Amazon also has a limited edition Blu Ray, in which only 100 will be sold, so HURRY!  SRS will also sell you a clam shell VHS version, if that’s what tickles your pickle.  Get the Czech version too, if you’ve a mind for it.  Need a big Vampire Cop poster?  Sure, we all do!  Pick yours up HERE!

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Didn’t I see that in The Howling?

If yer looking for prime late 80’s/early 90’s straight-to-video cheese, with oodles of boobage, vamp action, and non-descript guys eating bananas or lounging in bathtubs, then we here at Indie Film Cafe say we have the moovie for you!  Check out Vampire Cop today!
:=8D

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Episode 36: The Forbidden Zone (1980)

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Alright, IFC lovers, its time to enter Richard Elfman‘s  Forbidden Zone, but only if you dare!  Fortunately, we here at Indie Film Cafe was made of stern stuff, so that not even the weirdest, strangest, wackiest oddball moosical ever created can keep stinker professionals down – check out our latest PODCAST see see cow the devil we made it through this one!

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De Plane, De Plane – I mean, De Forbidden Zone!!

Our story involves the Hercules family, an assorted cast of singing oddballs who get caught up in a strange dimension leading from their basement, through a series of pipes and guts, and out of a sphincter with some  poop pillows, and into a crazy world lead by diminutive King Fausto, and his charming bride Queen Doris! Hervé Villechaize (“Man with the Golden Gun”, tv’s “Fantasy Island”) plays the tiny regal ladies man and ruler of the Forbidden Zone, which, well frankly defies description – let’s just say it is a pretty weird place.  Frenchy (Marie-Pascale Elfman, Richard’s then wife) pops in and runs afoul of Queen Doris, played to the hilt by Susan Tyrrell (“Big Top Pee Wee”, “Cry Baby”).  Chicken Boy Squeezit (screenwriter Mathew Bright, who also plays sister Rene), also floats about.  The whole weird mess is buoyed by a great soundtrack, ranging from 40’s French cabaret moosic to Cab Calloway, to New Wave (Oingo Boingo), and is entirely based on the late 70’s stage show of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo, which Elfman (and brother Danny, who did the moosic AND had a great turn as the Devil) cowcocted and performed.

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I AM devilishly clever, you know…

Well, the kids at Indie Film Cafe awarded a range of scores: a 7 from the MooCow (who’d seen it before a few times), while first-time witnesses Johnathan (9) and Lenore (8) barely survived the experience, and their scores reflect it.  That’s a total stink score of 24, and a Stinky Average of 8.0!  Definitely a lotta stink to this strange flick, but also a lot of fun and faboo moosic as well!

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We have the color trailer HERE.   Git yer hooves on a dvd copy at Uncle Amazon.  The Ultimate Edition includes the soundtrack (which you need!), which cowtains both the original black & white plus the new color version — all in sterling hi-def and state-of-the-art sound mix!  You can get the soundtrack only on compact disc (remember those?) HERE, and the REAL old school folks can get it on vinyl HERE.  Get the awesome POSTER while it is still available on Ebay, and a whey-kewl tee shirt HERE.  Great news!  A long-awaited sequel is in the works, and Richard Elfman himself promises it will be bigger, badder, and bolder than the original – check out the Media Kit for moore info!

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Ummmm…yeah, I got nothing…

The Sixth Dimension is a weird, wonderful place, but we here at Indie Film Cafe encourage you to hold your breath, and your nose, and dive right in – the waters are fine, and undeniably wacky!!!
:=8D

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Episode 35: Polymorph (1996)

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Want a fun little Sci-Fi indie that might be short on budget but is long on fun?  Look no further than J.R. Bookwalter‘s Polymorph, when a blob of green alien goo stuck in a meteor crashes into a group of nerdy interns fighting some sleazy drug dealers in the woods.  The moovie stars  James L. Edwards, Ariauna Albright (“Witchhouse”), Tom Hoover (“Chickboxer”, “Dead & Rotting”), and Sasha Graham (the Tarot Diva), and features a quickie cameo by indie producer Michal Raso (“Gladiator Eroticus: The Lesbian Warrior”, “Spiderbabe”, “Bite Me!”).  Edwards (“The Dead Next Door”, “MILFS VS Zombies”, “Chickboxer”), who also wrote the script, stars as Dante, who wasn’t even supposed to be there that day at the Quick E Mart – errr, wait, I is cowfused yet again.  Well, check out the Indie Film Cafe‘s latest podcast HERE to check out all fuss!

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Green is the FX color of the day!

While the bright green graphics of this “Reservoir Predator” are fairly cheesy, the story is fun and the dialogue sharp, and the moovie is fairly well acted and shot.  Its part of the wonderful underground Tempe Entertainment group, which released early moovies from J.R. Bookwalter, Todd Sheets, and Chris Seaver, among udders, from the late 80’s and into the 90’s and beyond, and headed by Bookwalter himself.  Sadly, Tempe is gone now, but hopefully fans can still get their hooves on indie moovie on line for a while.  Polymorph should be on your list of flicks to get!

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GAHHHHHH!!!  Green Lightning!!!  :=8O

We all enjoyed this frisky little indie – like moost underground genre flicks it has its share of stink, due mostly to low budget and overly high expectations – and it generated a fairly good Stink Score, getting a 5.5 from the MooCow, a 4 from Moody, and 3 from IFC resident scientist Lenore!  That’s a total Stink Score of 12.5, and a Stink Average of 4.2 – well done indeed!

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We gotst trailerage right HERE.  Buy it or stream it on Amazon.  You can also use Alibris to track down a copy too.  Copies also show up from time to time on both Planet Store and Ebay.  Bookwalter’s moovies do show up from time to time in underground film festivals such as Horror Boobs, and you can catch interviews with the man if you search as well.  James L. Edwards has teamed up with IFC’s own Johnathan Moody on Mama’s Boy, a short horror film which will be cowming out soon!  You can check out a fascinating interview with James at Extreme Horror Cinema.com.

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Ohhhh, this aint gonna be good…

We here at Indie Film cafe love to celebrate indie and underground moovies, both the good and the stinky, and we encourage all of you to experience them for yourselves, if for no udder reason than to see what is being created outside the Hollywood box – and we think Polymorph is one you should definitely check out!
:=8)

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Episode 34 B – Karaoke Kid Redux

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Welcome to Part II of Operation Catch Miss Lenore Up by showing her stinkers from earlier in the season, and this time we showed her Chris Seaver’s Karaoke Kid – her first Chris Seaver moovie!  Annnnnd she was not generally impressed – not nearly as stinky as Actium Maximus, but also not nearly as memorable, and therefore rated as a 6.5.  Check out what she has to say on our latest podcast HERE.  I am sure there will be moore Christ Seaver shenanigans in the future for Lenore!
;=8)

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Episode 34 A – Actium Maximus Redux

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Well, as Doc says in Todd Sheet’s classic Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City, here we go again!  Yep, while Mr. Moody is a busy bovine we decided it was time we got one of our favorite guest reviewers, Ms. Lenore Miller, our astronaut and science expert caught up on some of the moovies she missed, and to kill two birds with one heavy rock like object, we decided to show her ones which only had 2 reviews – this way we can have all the moovie scored with 3 reviewers, and make the Stink Scores moore even.

And soooo, without further ado, we find ourselves back at possibly the worst moovie if Season 2 thus far – heck, we figure might as well start at the bottom and work our way up.  I’d say it can;t get much worse than this, but long-time Indie Film Cafe listeners know that is never the case.  Anyhoo, poor Lenore was subjected to this bewildering mish-mash of a moovie, and actually enjoyed it, while clearly recognizing its distinct stinky bouquet.  Check out her observations (and the MooCow’s!) on our latest podcast HERE.

Here’s a hint, folks: it hasn’t gotten any better….
:=8P

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