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Episode 59: The Brain from Planet Arous (1957)

An evil brain on a string wants power and women!!! :=8O

As they do, and earth’s only hope is John Agar (god help us), and a happy dog named George. This silly 50’s classic stinker features some seriously threadbare “special” effects that mayyyybe aren’t quite as cheap as the bubble machine in “Robot Monster”, but are pretty durn cheap and cheesy. Yes, Gor, the evil brain from Arous, wants to dominate the earth and get off with B-Actress Joyce Meadows. Unfortunately, in order to take over the earth, the bad brain must inhabit the “stupid body” of John Agar, and suffer through his atrocious over-acting. Most of the time, the bad brain is just an off-camera projection; you can tell because frequently you can see the background lights of the projector. In his “true form”, Gor is a large blob with eyes that never blink, automated by a pair of poorly concealed strings. Gor, when irritated, bumps into the actors when in this form. When in his projector form, Gor kills by turning on a small light on their faces.

While John Agar (“She Wore a Yellow Ribbon”, “Sands of Iwo Jima”) gives an-udder one of his overwrought performances, he’s balanced nicely by the rest of the cast, in particular the lovely Joyce Meadows (tv series “The Asphalt Jungle”, “Wagon Train”). Gor (hammily voiced by title designer Dale Tate) is as arrogant and smarmy a space villain as Dudley Mangrove’s character Eros in “Plan Nine from Outer Space”, which was released by Ed Wood two months earlier. Robert Fuller (“Teenage Thunder”, “Wagon Train”) rounds out the cast as Dan, the cave corpse who never degrades. Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe episode, featuring the series finale for Miss Lenore, and a return of original Cafe co-host Just Jenn!

Hi Joyce, turned on by my huge brain, are you?

Its a classic 50’s scifi stinker that is undermined by the low budget and odd directorial choices. Director Nathan Hertz (actually Nathan Juran, possibly hiding his name to avoid embarrassment) was a veteran director who he won an Oscar for Best Art Direction in 1942’s “How Green Was My Valley”, and actually directed several decent flicks (“The Deadly Mantis”, “The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad”) – but he also directed number of classic stinkers, including “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman”, “First Men on the Moon”, and “Jack the Giant Killer”. In a rare 1989 interview on Starlog Magazine #141, Juran said “I always did pictures for the money, and for the creative challenges. I wasn’t a born director. I was just a technician who could transfer the script from the page to the stage and could get it shot on schedule and on budget. I never became caught up in the “romance” of the movies”.
I guess that explains it…

Big, blobby brain-invaders aside, the plot is absurd, and has only the merest nodding acquaintance with reality. Dead bodies (Gor’s victims) never decompose or smell, even after a week in a 120 degree desert. Model planes on strings, desperately passed off for the real thing, explode and then strung bits hang suspended in mid-air. The Military, who cannot detect any residual radiation from the light blasts, immediately conclude that the earth is being invaded from outer space. When one extra remarks how fantastic that idea is, a general tells him that they are even now “considering an invasion of the moon”. ’Cause blowin’ shit up and invadin’ is what we do best, yo.

I better get a whole lotta Snausages for appearing in this dreck…

The grades were surprisingly decent from the Cafe kids this time – Lenore (who was clearly won over by George the Dog) awarded the film a relatively low 3.5, while Just Jenn went for a 5; the crusty old MooCow went for a 5.5, for a total Stink Score of 14, which is a Stink Average of 4.7. Not too shabby!

Check out the trailer on Youtube. You can also see the film for free there as well, and also on Vimeo. For those of you were prefer to have the physical medium you can get it from Amazon, Ebay, and even get the kewl moovie poster from MoviePoster.com , Original Vintage Movie Posters.com, and Walmart. Tee Public has the must-have tee shirt, while Redbubble has some classic dialogue from the moovie on a tee. Mixology Tees has a moovie mug you know you want, as does Tee Public. And for you moovie soundtrack lovers, mmmrecordings.com has it available for listening HERE. Svengoolie does a kewl medley too.

Beware my horrific BUMP ATTACK!!!

Well, for those of you who love silly, cheesy 50’s throwback scifi from a moore innocent era, then this might just be the flick for you. Just watch out for those floating brains on strings!
;=8)

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Episode 58: Arcade (1993)

Duuuuuude, we’re trapped inside a video game! What, again?? No, this is not Gamebox 1.0, which is, ummm….a moovie where we’re trapped inside a video game, no this is Arcade, also known as Cyber World, the 1993 Full Moon version, and that means a much higher budget and big stars! Well, not really, but it is an interesting mix of stink, low budget graphics, a really good cast, and udder fun stuff – so head over to Podbean and check out the latest Indie Film Cafe episode and hear what the Indie Film Kids have to say about this flick, this time joined by indie writer, producer, and actor Dustin Hubbard!

Oh no! It’s Actium Maximus! No, no, its just Arcade, the villain in Arcade, the film.

Alex (played by Megan Ward) has just lost her mother, who committed suicide, and her friends, Greg (Bryan Dattilo), Nick (Peter Billingsley) and Stilts (Seth Green) are trying to help her deal, which includes hanging out and playing games at the local gaming arcade called, weirdly enough, Dante’s Inferno (btw, the MooCow was an OG mid-80’s mall rat, and spent many a full moon at every arcade in the tri-state area, and none of them had names beyond Funland or Fun Zone, or simply Arcade). But there is a new game in town being test marketed, one which promises to be sooooo very much moore than any game anyone has ever played before – hawked by a creepy CEO named Difford (Star Trek’s John de Lancie) as the ultimate in virtual reality. Well hell, with that kind of carrot what teenager, full of coins and hopped up on Mountain Dew, isn’t gonna bite? And bite they do, and of course unfortunate shenanigans follow.

You’ll game your eye out! Wait, wrong moovie!

So, yeah, that’s the basic premise behind the film, somewhat underwritten by David S. Goyer (Demonic Toys, The Puppet Masters, Dark City), and capably directed by B-moovie vet Albert Pyun (The Sword and the Sorcerer, Kickboxer II, Dollman). The cast is great, and they really bring the rather flat story and characters to life in a way that pretty mooch saves the film, which is good because the equally flat graphics have certainly not aged well since 1993, and actually seem moore appropriate for games in the mid-80’s. Still, a lot of experienced hands went into the making of this film, and it shows, so its no wonder that Arcade has been cowsidered one of Full Moon’s moost popular titles from their extensive catalog. The writing cud certainly have used moore polish – character depth aside, a number of plots points (such as a little murdered kid’s brain cells to ‘fuel’ the virtual reality, which creates the main villain) seem half-baked and silly. But clearly Goyer would go on to bigger and better things, so perhaps he just had an off day. But even wearing its flaws on its sleeve, Arcade is still a pretty entertaining film.

I’m in every film in the 90’s. No, really, check. I’ll wait…

Well, the votes are in, and they range somewhat: Moody and Dustin Hubbard, big fans of the flick, gave scores of 2.5 and 1 respectively, while the crusty old MooCow chipped in with a score of 4.5. That gives Arcade a Stink Total of 8, and a Stink Average of 2.7, making Arcade one of the lowest scoring films of Season 3!

You can find the classic trailer for this film HERE, and the extended VHS trailer off of Trancers 3 HERE. Fans of the theme can here it HERE. Pick it up on dvd from Amazon, or go directly to Full Moon Features (when it in stock!) and get a copy from them. Crikey, you can get it on Aussie Ebay as well! And for you penny-pinchers out there you can check it out for free on Youtube (a low res version, with Spanish subtitles), at least until it gets pulled. Cowever the best way to get it might be Prime. Get the poster at the Movie Poster Shop, among udders.

The MooCow says if yer lookin’ for some cheesy nostalgic throwback fun, look no further than Full Moon’s Arcade – just be sure to bring plenty of quarters…
;=8)

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Episode 57: Hanuman and the Five Kamen Riders (1974)

Yeahhhh. There really isn’t much to say about Hanuman and the Five Riders, apart from that its a batshit-crazy balls-to-the-wall weird unofficial drug-induced Thai rip-off of a Japanese film that ripped off a Japanese kiddie tv show, dubbed by what this cow can only politely suggest were acid-snorting potheads eating drugs. Seriously, all of the drugs. So naturally this is exactly the kind of stink bomb that the MooCow regularly inflicts on his hapless friends, and now onto the rest of humanity, thanks to the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe, where Moody, the MooCow, and special guest reviewer Rebecca Rinehart moan and groan and wail their way through a very special review podcasts – truly the moans of pain are heartbreaking on this episode, so check it out!

Behold, Hanuman, the annoying, capering part monkey Hindu god who cannot close his mouth.

Soooo…the evil King Dark, previously killed an an-udder Kamen Riders moovie, has reappeared in Thailand, where he needs to consume the blood of hot chicks, and where he needs a scientist to help him complete his Frankenbat monster, a bunch of cheaply costumed Thai animal dudes, make some exploding ostrich eggs, and, it would seem, conquer the world, except for Oakland. The Kamen Riders (weird pre-Power Ranger Japanese ant super heroes on bikes) show up via about 25 minutes of footage literally stolen an-udder film, and fisticuffs ensure; then Monkey Boy gruesomely kills 3 idiots who were trying to steal the head of a Buddha statue, send them down to weird Thai hell, full of boiling people alive in caldrons and forcing nude women to climb spiked poles for eternity while being stabbed with polearms; but one escapes because King Dark magically summons him, and together they capture the scientist and his squeeze Julie, they make the ridiculous monsters, a guy gets peed in the face, there is a big fight where everyone fights everything; Frankenbat and the rubber suited monsters are defeated, but then a slew of guys in cheap silly animal masks show up (the Thai boxing animal dudes), and more fights happen; THEN King Dark grows to enormous size, and fights a huge sized monkey boy; monkey boy wins, the 3 idiots get their heads chopped off in hell, and thankfully the whole weird, cowfusing mess grinds to a halt, sort of.

Don’t we all??

Oh yeah, 10’s all around for this one! Moody, the MooCow, and poor special guest Rebecca Rinehart (who had no idea what she was in for) all agreed pretty quickly that the stink coming off this weird Asian turd was overwhelmingly bad, and the phrase “it feels like being on drugs that haven’t even been invented yet” were bandied about when referring to this film. Full 30 on the Stinkometer, and a Stinky Average of 10. BE WARNED FOLKS!!! :=8O

The whackadoodle trailer is HERE. Good luck finding a copy of this unofficial, bootleg crazy mess; there is an expensive dvd on EBAY. There are various versions for free on Youtube, including the Wu Tang Collection version, but do yourself a huge favor and check out the straaaaange English dub – trust the MooCow on this one! It also shows up on Mega. I wish I cud show you merch for this flick, but as a bootleg there really is none.

Yes, please go away…

Seriously, a weirder, moore terrible film is difficult to find – but if yer like me then this is right up your dark scary alley! Check out Hanuman and the Five Riders soon (but be warned its NOT for kids because of blood, boobage, and violence!), it will definitely weird up your day!
;=8)

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Episode 56: Alien VS Hunter (2007)

Need a lower, cheaper, stinkier version of Alien VS Predator moovie, then look no further than the Asylum‘s 2007 cheap stinky rip-off flick Alien VS Hunter, starring William Kat (The Greatest American Hero), Dedee Pfiefer (Vamp), and an unscary bug/mantis/alien thingy hunted by some kind of cheesy cyborg Predator-wanna-be. People get in the way and get munched, there are ray guns and cheesy fx, and some cute chick named Freckles. All of which are directed, moore or less, by one Scott Harper, the guy who made the abysmal Supercroc. If this kind of moovie is yer stinky cup of joe, then check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe, where Mr. Moody, Joe Turek, and special guest reviewer Director John Ward (Axemas, Axemas II, Meathook Massacre 4) bewail their fate!
:=8D

Rock Lobster….

Pretty mooch if you stuck the two Alien VS Predator moovies into a blender, and added generous helpings of Blood Predator, and a half million bucks, and you pressed puree, you’d get this flaccid flick. Udders showing up in this debacle include Wittly Jourdan (Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls), Randy Mulkey (Legend of Bloody Mary, and lots of tv appearances), and Jason Gray (The DaVinci Treasure); Jennifer Couch (The Love Witch) plays Freckles. Harper was also the visual effects supervisor, and probably should have fired himself.

I don’t think that cross is gonna help…wrong flick!

Aaaaaaaaand the Stink Scores are in, with Moody awarding the film an 8.5, Joe Turek tossed in an even 8.0, and special guest John Ward chiming in with a 7.5, giving Alien VS Hunter a Stink Total of 24 – that’s a Stinky Average of 8.0, folks! Pretty darn stinky!
:=8D

The sucktastic trailer is right HERE. For shits n gigs, here is the longer Dutch trailer. Fandango Movie Clips has a free clip on the Tube of You, for your enjoyment (sort of…). Rent this sucker through Microsoft! Dvds of the film are to be had at AMAZON, and so are Region B Blu Rays, if you wanna spend 50 bucks… You can also find the dvd on Ebay, and in theory you can get it right from The Asylum themselves, if you prefer, as well as Oldies.com. Twenty bucks will get you a 27″ X 40″ poster – and you know you want it! Udder sizes and personalized finishes can be had at Movie Poster Shop.com. And finally here is a cute lil stuffed Xenomoph, which you can buy and pretend showed up in this film.

WAIT, this isn’t a giant kissing bug! Arrrrrghhhhh!

Well, here at Indie Film Cafe we’re all about stinky sci-fi cheese, and while this cheese isn’t Gouda it certainly does stink! Check it out, and watch out for bed bugs…
;=8)

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Episode 55: Robo CHIC (1990)

Well, what can you say about Robo CHIC aka Cyber CHIC aka Thunder Tronic aka who the heck knows what else? I mean, besides HEHH??? Where the hell did this come from? Well, the weird and obscure Robo CHIC was spawned from a lake of goo known as Action Pictures International, the same cesspool of stinky garbage that spewed forth such udder stinky delights as Space Mutiny, Phoenix the Warrior, Deadly Prey, Elves, and Teenage Exorcist, to name a few. It was written and directed by that wonderful talented team of Ed Hansen (Bikini Carwash Company) and Jeffrey Mandel (Elves), and it stars former Playboy Playmate Kathy Shower (Commando Squad, Frankenstein General Hospital, American Kickboxer II) in the title role.

Well, sort of. Also named as Executive Producer, Ms. Shower apparently knows a stinker when she smells one, and left the production part way through, leaving her role, and her ridiculously fake porn wig, to be filled in by one Jennifer Daly – who in no way looks like Kathy Shower, even with the wig and lab coat on. The rest of the cast includes TV Batman’s Burt Ward, the scene-chomping comedian Kip King as Dr. Von Colon, and a cowllection of voice actors, behind the scenes talent, and folks who never worked in the biz ever again. Labeled “Part Cop, Part Machine, All Woman”, the Indie Cafe Folks can tell you that Robo CHIC is all 100% stinker! Check out the latest podcast episode and see what we mean!

Have you see my dignity? its about thissssss big….

Ughhh, where to begin to describe this turkey? Suffice to say that wacky Dr. Von Colon, who has created a bunch of udder wacky robo-creations, created wacky Robo CHIC to FIGHT CRIME, and stop Burt Ward from blowing up nukes all over the US – oh and also stop a few criminal ‘masterminds’ and ridiculously poor biker thugs, all the while tormenting the audience with moore bad jokes, lousy puns, and tepid visual gags than you can shake a stick at. I mean, come on, the biker gang is called Satan’s Onions because the guy who made their jackets got the spelling wrong – on every jacket! if that is your sense of humor, yer gonna love this flick…
:=8P

Is it time for me to get naked…again?

This time yer old pals Moody and the MooCow were joined by Rebecca Rinehart and Julie Anne Prescott, two horror moovie talents who know and appreciate indie films of all types – although they did not know about this frisky lil devil! And they scored the film moore generously than expected, with Julie Anne awarding it a 7, and Rebecca going as low as a 5! The MooCow went with an 8, which he felt was generous enough, cowsidering the smelly bouquet of this flick, and Mr. Moody went with a 6.5. We decided to go with MooCow’s and the guests’ scores on this one, giving Robo CHIC an overall Stink Score of 20, and an Stinky Average of 6.7.

You know its bad when the MooCow can’t even scare up a trailer for this flick, but welcome to the world of Straight-to-Video moovies! Speaking of video, you can pick yourself up a vhs copy of Robo CHIC from Amazon, but its gonna cost ya. From time to time you can find it on EBAY, but only in VHS form – as far as this cow knows, none of the various iterations of this film were ever released to DVD, to say nothing of Blu Ray! With moovies as obscure as this it is difficult to find merch, but the MooCow was able to locate a 27×40 double sided poster which has Robo CHIC on one side and Deadly Dancer (starring Shabba Doo)on the udder – at Ebay!

Really, its better not to ask…

So get yer Kathy Shower flick on, you know you want to, and what better way than this wacky Robo Cop wanna-be stinker? Check it out!
;=8)