Uncategorized

Episode 124: Angel’s Descent (2018)

Hey everyone and happy new year! Jonathan A Moody back again… Sorry this is soooo late! It’s been a busy end of the year and it’s only gonna get busier so I figured I’d write this up while I have a little bit of time to do so. For November’s podcast Paul A Presenza and I did an episode with special guest Joe Turek. I had picked a film that Paul and I hadn’t even seen but we were pretty sure was going to be baddddd! And ummm boy were we right. We picked the 2018 flick, Angel’s Descent… what was described as a Faith Based film and really only felt like the exact opposite. Well I’m about to talk to you guys about that.

First off you have to understand both Joe and I are Christians. Paul is an atheist. And he was also really mean to Joe and made him sit through, Geek Maggot Bingo earlier this year. He survived that and, The Janitor… all of which he was not a fan of. And this was probably one of the worst of the worst. We knew by checking out the trailer to this film (Originally titled, “Souls”) that this movie was going to be rough. Thankfully I already showed the trailer to Joe beforehand so he was already prepared. In fact he was a little worried at first because as a Christian he felt it was going to be wrong to talk trash against a movie that’s supposed to be a love letter to God. Don’t worry this was not it.

I zap you with my GOD LIGHTNING!!! :=8O

I first discovered this film when I was looking up deals on Oldies.com. Oldies had some fun movies out there and of course I’m always interested in seeing something I’ve never heard of. Especially so we can review it for Indie Film Cafe. When I saw the trailer for it I was blown away. There was no way this movie could be nearly as bad as the trailer made it come off as. But yes this movie was sooooo terrible that I was just flabbergasted that it even existed.

So what’s wrong with the movie? Well, the first question really should be: What’s right? I mean it feels like someone who may have watched one faith based film in their life try to make a faith based film themselves. A big problem is the fantasy element. If you’re gonna have demons and people descended from Angels there’s needs to be more explanation than just, “I was descended from angels and that’s why I have this power”. That kind of stuff just doesn’t fly in screenplays. You need more structure.

I was descended from angels and that’s why I have GOD LIGHTNING!!! :=8O

A lot of the movie is the main character Dr. Micah and his different patients who come to his house (they couldn’t afford an office) and he gives them arbitrary things to do to fix it. Things that really make no sense but apparently make sense to this movie. The director Johnnie Baker Jr. is a cousin of Sidney Poitier and of course makes sure people know that as much as possible. I don’t think Sidney even wanted to be anywhere involved when he was still alive.

With all honesty children could make a better faith based film than this film. But what I will do is give them credit for making a movie period. It had a beginning, a very long middle, and a weird ass ending so it was actually a movie. The rest of the stuff that happened to this movie you can listen to our podcast and find out.

Grrrrr! Imma DEMON! From the Mirror!!! GRRRRR!!!! Pay no attention to the gloves or mask…

And the scores are in: And we all gave it a resounding 10. Was it a 10 Plus… nahhh… I mean we gave it a ten like The Room or a movie of that nature would get. But in the Ladder of Stink it does join some of the worst of the worst including: Fateful Findings, Zombie Cop, Killer Biker Chicks, Hanuman and the Five Kamen Riders, and many more… tho it’s not nearly as bad and unwatchable as Miss Werewolf. At least no one fell asleep

Well thank you all so much and to take it away and tell us more of how to get it Paul will take over….

MOO!!! Here is a trailer. Here is an udder. There is a third on on Vimeo. Both of these are as “Souls”. As previously mentioned, you can git yer hooves on this frisky lil puppy on Oldies.com. They has an 11 x 17 poster too. You can also get this on the re-sale market on Ebay. Dat’s about it, folks, its a dry, dry desert for this particular moovie out there, even in Interwebzland. Johnnie Baker JR, cowever, has a channel on Youtube. And he wants you to know that he has moovie-making skillz. There is an interesting video interview with him as well HERE. He owns Platinum Kiss Enterprises, a media company in da Philly/NJ area. Check out his Vimeo channel as well! And check out this kewl release of the flick in 2018. AND, he’s FOR HIRE!!!

Sorry, Demon, I had broccoli for lunch…

Uncategorized

Episode 123: Rectuma (2003)

I mean, c’mon: its a whole moovie about butt jokes, and butts, and farts, and poo, and buttocks, and taints, and, well, huge hairy bottoms. What cud possibly go wrong with a moovie like that? Well, check out the latest wacky episode of Indie Film Cafe, where Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host actress Jackey Hall grab out butts and check out this bizarre, over the top ass-muncher of a moovie, and see what the all the hubbub is about! ;=8)

When you know yer in for a good time…

It cud be a whole lot better in Waldo Williams’ world: his wife is cheating on him, his weird friends at work are making life difficult, and, to make matters infinitely worse, when he goes on vacation with his wife to add a lil moore sparkle back into the relationship he ends up getting but-raped by a bad CGI Mexican Butt-Humping Bullfrog. You know, as you do. THEN, his wife tries to kill him, he gets radiation poisoning from a bad Japanese scientist, and then his BUTT GROWS HUGE AND STARTS TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!!
:=8O

Cow cud you not love a story like that??? :=8D

Well, ok, let’s take a breath here. The acting is…a bit over the top. I know, shocking. The comedy is very hit or miss. Moostly miss. And the FX are…well, less that special. Mark Pirro is the Writer, Producer, and Director, and he’s given the world such stinky classics as A Polish Vampire in Brooklyn, Curse of the Queerwolf, and Nudist Colony of the Dead, so we know what we’re getting ourselves into. BUTT he has never graced the world with such a story as this before, in fact no one has! I dunno cow Alfred Hitchcock passed up the chance to write a moovie about a guy who has to run around and prove his innocence by sowing that his RECTUM is responsible for the murders around town, and not him. You so missed yer chance, Hitchy!

Yes, ALL of this stuff happens!

Waldo is played by the awesome Bill Devlin whom we know from such films as Factory Accident Sex, 12/12/12, and the spectacularly bad and udderly mooovelous Blood Predator, and his skills go a loooong way to making this moovie a lot of fun! Jean Black plays a Clarice Starling wanna-be detective, Tyrone Dubose plays messed-up buddy Johnny Pecks, and good ol’ Michael R. Thomas (Bite Me!, Dr. Horror’s Erotic House of Idiots, Spiderbabe) plays Wanger, a sort of Lone Chaney Jr as a werewolf wanna-be. So loads of folks we know very well indeed, and this moovie did not disappoint. Silly, wacky, and thoroughly without any good taste whatsoever, this is the perfect stinker to plop on after a hard day at work when you just wanna turn your brain to DH and have a fun time with yer friends. Because we all love dopey schoolboy butt humor, deep down inside, so why not wallow in it once in a while! ;=8)

GAHHHHH!!!! MY BUTTOCKS!!!! :=8O

Well, the votes are in, and as expected Rectuma scored pretty low, because EVERYONE loves butt humor! Moody went with a 4, MooCow scored it a 3.5, and Ms. Jackey Hall awarded her lowest score EVER on this show with a 2, giving the unstoppable Rectuma a total Stink Score of 9.5, and that’s a Stinky Average of only 3.2! On the Ladder of Stink this moovie nestles in quite nicely right between Sledgehammers at Dawn and both Bite Me! and White Wolves. Cow a-butt that!!
:=8D

We gots yer trailerage right HERE. And you can see the first 9 minutes for free on Youtube! And yes, you can stream it on Tubi! If yuo wanna git yer mitts on a physical copy, but the DVD from Mark Pirro himself on his website! It comes with director’s commentary, behind the scenes footage, highlights of its 2003 premiere, theatrical trailer and four tv spots! You can also get it from Amazon, Grindhouse Video, and re-sale on Ebay. There is no blu ray yet, BUTT they are working on remastering the film, hopefully for a buttload of HD releases soon! Git the digital poster at Cinematerial.com! Git the colorful Japanese poster also at Cinematerial.com! Git an oooo-riginal vintage poster right from Mark Pirro himself on his website! And EBAY has one autographed by the man himself! You can get the actual Ass Plugger 2000 prop from the moovie!!! You can get Hi and Nee’s red dresses too! and $1500 bucks will git you the ORIGINAL Giant Butt prop from the moovie itself!!!! There’s udder stuff from the moovie on Mark Pirro’s site too, check it out!
:=8D

Its a giant killer butt!

Well, here at Indie Film Cafe, we love big ol’ butts, and we cannot lie, and we love big, weird, stinky Giant Butt moovies too, to take our word for it and go see Rectuma if yer looking for weird, silly, stinky fun!
:=8D

Uncategorized

Episode 122: Toad Warrior (1996)

Save us Max Hell, SAVE US!!!! And save us, Donald G. Jackson, from Boring Hollywood Remake Hell, as only you and Scott Shaw can! PLUS, special guest appearance by Joe Estevez, Conrad Brooks, and everyone’s favorite plastic purple gator, ROLLER GATOR!!! Yep, this episode has it all, and Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Johnny Johnson are here to talk about this post-apocalyptic desert ‘everybody’s wearing sunglasses for no apparent reason’ classic Toad Warrior, only on Indie Film Cafe!

Toad! I’ll chop those legs and have ’em for dinner!

In a grim, desolate future America, the world has been wiped out by the Toad Plague, and only MAX HELL can save the last of humanity from the evil clutches of Estevez‘s Mickey O’ Malley and his goon squad of…well, poorly costumed frogs left over from Hell Comes to Frogtown, and a few hot chicks with swords. I mean, there are far worse ways to go, know what I mean? Oh yeah, Conrad Brooks and Roller gator pop in for a cameo too. Max Hell is Scott Shaw‘s sun glasses-toatin’, samurai sword-fightin’, black suit in the blazing sun wearin’ version of Max Rockatansky from the Mad Max franchise, sort of the Dollar Store version. But its ok, Dollar Store Max Hell is pretty darn fun too, and you won’t mind the bad costumes, tarps used as caves, cheap plastic guns, or any of the udder budget issues surrounding this film because, as usual, Shaw and Jackson somecow manage to make these desert sand-poor moovies fun and enjoyable and interesting.

Dunno where this came from but LET”S USE IT!!!

The story behind this one is a doozie, since apparently, according to Scott Shaw himself, this cut of the film was not up to their lofty standards and was not supposed to be released, and then someone sold it anycow, and released it anyways – hate it when that happens! Anycow, the real version of this film is actually called Max Hell: Frog Warrior, and it is a fairly different cut from this film, and is probably a better film – but we still kind of like this cheaper, stinkier version, moostly because it was the only one we had at the studio! There is also a First Cut version of the film called the Zen Cut, which I is dying to check out as well! And don’t forget, snuggle X-rated actress Jill Kelly is in here too!

Anytime you team up Donald G. Jackson and Scott Shaw with Joe Estevez, yer gonna come up with B moovie gold – now you toss in Conrad Brooks and Baby Gator as well, heckers you’ve got B moovie PLATINUM! John Johnson absolutely loved this flick, while Moody and the MooCow also enjoyed it, although they also pointed out the film’s many stinky bona fides too. This flick got a 6 from Moody, an 8 from the MooCow, and, for an Indie Film Cafe FIRST, a -1 from John Johnson, because he liked the film soooo much he wanted it to score well. That gives Toad Warrior an overall Stink Score of 13, and that’s a Stinky Average of 4.3 – on the Ladder of Stink, Toad Warrior nestles in right below Vampire’s Kiss, and right above Now You Know and Polymorph.

Well, since this was not supposed to be released, there is no trailer of this version of the film, although there is one for Max Hell: Toad Warrior right HERE. And you can check out that Zen First Cut HERE as well. There is also a short, B&W SILENT moovie version of this film as well, because you just can’t get enough Max Hell VS Froggies! And for the love of god, hie thee hither to Scott Shaw’s amazing website, it is LOADED with tons of great stuff, including a whole section devoted to the history of Toad Warrior! From there you can get the Streaming version from Kunaki.com, and also stream it through Amazon Prime. Good luck finding it on DVD though, the only place this cow knows of is as part of a 4-pack compilation dvd called Girls From Another World, which is both expensive and out of print, and is moost likely the group who bootlegged the unofficial version from Jackson and Shaw in the first place. It also has Roller Gator and Big Sister 2000, which are also Shaw/Jackson classics, but its always best to get those moovies from the authentic source, if possible. There is no mech or schwag with this film either, I am sorry to say, but do check out the Shaw website for stuff related to Max Hell Frog Warrior, and get it all from there.

I mean, c’mon…we all need a little moore Conrad Brooks and Baby Gator in our lives, right??
;=8)

Uncategorized

Episode 121: Boltneck (1998)

Hey everybody… Jonathan Moody back here again. This time to talk about the 1998 flick, “Boltneck” AKA Teen Monster or Big Monster on Campus. Whatever you might know it as. I’ve been dying to do this flick for so long because I absolutely loved it when I first saw it. It’s not a very stinky movie as you will hear later but I knew Paul would not want to sit through it because its about teenagers – and we should all know by now how he truly feels about movies with teenagers as the protagonists. So I asked two of my beautiful special guests to come on… Liz Fletcher and MeeChee Hazen. Both of them have never met before so it was a fun discussion! I wasn’t entirely sure what they would think of it. But check out the latest IFC episode to hear their full thoughts.

Ughhh, look at that ugly hat, DEFINITELY the 90’s…. :=8P

Here is what IMDB says: 

At a party, one student gets picked on and ends up getting thrown into a pool that has no water in it. Frank, a geek, retrieves a brain from his father’s lab and agrees to let the boy have it in exchange for a chance to hang with the popular crowd. The brain, it turns out, originally belonged to a serial killer. As the teen monster goes haywire, popular Macy becomes romantically involved with former geek Frank– Anonymous 

The cast is one of my favorites: Frank Stein is played by Matthew Lawrence (yes, one of the Lawrence brothers… most notably in my favorite series Boy Meets World). I am sure his middle name was something with an N, Frank N Stein. Ryan Reynolds plays  Karl O’Reilly who is very convincing as a shy goth kid who after being killed his brain is swapped with a serial killer who is so happy to get a second chance at life. Christine Lakin plays Macy who is Frank’s crush. Justin Walker and Christian Payne are the two bullies who killed Karl. Shelley Duvall and Judge Reinhold are a lot of fun as Frank’s parents. Charles Fleisher (who if that name sounds familiar its because he does the voice of Roger Rabbit) plays an awkward teacher. And one of my favorite actors Richard Moll (From TV’s Night Court) is Karl’s drunken and abusive dad. 

Braaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiins…..

This is very much a Teen Young Frankenstein… maybe you can call it An Even Younger Frankenstein. Ryan Reynolds is his typical Ryan Reynolds self but this was before he got super famous for being in Van Wilder. All the cast did an exceptional job. For a movie that was for the most part lacking in budget it seemed to make up for in a fun comedic script. The writer was Dave Payne who  wrote films before like “Concealed Weapon”, “Alien Terminator”, and Criminal Hearts”. I think this was a very well crafted screenplay. Though I do wanna look up Alien Terminator and maybe do that someday for Indie Film Cafe. 

The direction of this movie felt very normal. Not any kind of style but the director had a lot of fantastic people to work with so he was able to do a great job. Mitch Marcus is credited as the director and Sharkzilla director John Blush is uncredited, but I have no idea the full story on that. Whether the director was fired or replaced or just the other director was called in to help out. Sadly there’s no story about it on the IMDB trivia and to my knowledge there are no DVDs or Blu Rays with commentary as a special feature. Though that would be an interesting thing to find out and research. If anyone knows any information about that please contact us at indiefilmcafe@gmail.com .Overall though this movie was just a lot of fun. It has cracked me up and my other guests seemed to enjoy it as well… so on to the scores:

The Scores are in… And as I said I really loved it and of course gave it the lowest score of 2. MeeChee Hazen loved it close enough and gave it a 2.5. But Liz was a bit harsher on it and gave it a 4.. For a stink score of 8.5. Not too shabby. Interestingly enough this is the first in the ladder of stink to get an 8.5. I am sure it will not be the only one though. But hey something has to start it all. 

And there ya have it thank you guys so much for checking this out and the Moo Cow is going to tell you all how you can get your hooves on a copy of this flick… Take it away, Paul….

Moo! So HERE is the trailer, udder the name Teen Monster. Ughhh, teenagers…. :=8P
You can watch this zit-faced nonsense for free on YOUTUBE, or be prepared to pony up some dough to git yer hooves on the DVD from AMAZON or via re-sale on Ebay. Cinematerial.com has the digital poster of the film, and dat’s pretty mooch it for schwag since this moovie is pretty mooch an non-entity. Horror Society did a review of the film back in the day, and Looper did a ranking of all 44 of Ryan Reynolds’ moovies, worst to best, and this one got pegged as worst, so there’s that.

Uncategorized

Episode #120: Blind Ghost (2021)

Oh Alix Villaret…so pretty, so sweet, so ho-hum as an actress. You deserve better than this absolute mess of a ‘ghost’ flick – oh, there is a ghost, finally, that shows up in the waning last few mooments of this weird-ass film, but its NOT blind, and by the time it shows up moost people watching are either already asleep, have turned the film off, or no longer care. From the folks who brought us the equally dreadful Dollface, so we knew what we were getting into! Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe where Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host actress Jackey Hall, all moan and groan and gnash their teeth over this oddball wanna-be horror moovie!

Its always fun when yer lawyer is a weird survivalist garden gnome who refuses to wear a shirt…

Yeahhh…so Alix plays a regular old fashioned LA girl named Lily, who happens to have a thick French accent, and who gets blinded in an ‘accident’ – her weird family either doesn’t care, or are busy getting their entire faces tattooed, you know, as you do. She then refuses to learn braille, because why on earth would she do that? There some kind of inheritance involved, which means its time to worry about the rest of the family, and for the strange garden gnome who passes for a lawyer to get involved by stripping his shirt off and guzzling beers at various meetings – you know, as you do. Mix in Uncle Tattooface, Detective Bonkers (his actual name!), who likes to sleep with mouse traps, and various udder weird characters, and you have a serious WTF stinker on your hooves! Which is good because plot-wise, the moovie is pretty mooch a snorefest. There is nothing even remootely violent or scary, but there is enough unnecessary weirdness to at least keep stink-fans from falling asleep.

Uncle TattooFace is ready to PAR-TAYYY!!! Where’s the booze?

All of this cowfusing wonderfullness comes from the world of SP Releasing, an indie mooovie company featuring the Pauls: Stuart Paul (writer and director of this here film, as well as Dollface) and Steven Paul (Producer of same), with a few extra Pauls (Hank and Samuel Mason, and Dorothy Koster Paul) tossed in for good measure. I’m really hoping there is a Paul Paul in there somewhere because as we all know YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH PAULS WORKING ON A FILM!!! :=8O

I know, its apPAULing…

Sorry, Unc, but I’m kinda glad I’m blind right now…

Ughhh, just soooo much nothing happens in this film; the acting ranges from fairly wooden to way over the top; the production values also range from fairly decent to bad lighting and weird camera angle choices; and the plot is silly and seems painfully aware that not mooch is going on, and so tosses in various silly things, like katsup, to cover up the overall blandness. Its a shame because udderneath all of this junk there cud have been a fun little indie film, given a bit moore care, polish, and someone to step in now and then to say ‘No, dude, make the garden gnome put his shirt back on…”.

BUT, fair warnings folks, you can expect a lot moore SP Releasing films on Indie Film Cafe, cause, stinky or no, we digs what these guys are shovelin’…and we digs Alix Villaret, and we are CERTAIN that one of these oddball films is gonna capture her brilliance – SOON!

BOO! Imma ghost! Not just a crappy CGI projection, nope! A real…ghost…kind of…

Wow, the IFC kids cudn’t WAIT to give this film a 10 each, specially Jackey Hall who was flabbergasted by this feeble flick – just goes to show you should never udderestimate the MooCow for finding quality STINK! 10’s all around = an-udder 30 for Season 6, which may end up the stinkiest season yet! Straight up to Stinky Heaven with this one!

Check out the O-fficial trailer right HERE. Is on Tubi for free, along with a bunch of udder SP Releases. Is on Prime too. You can also stream it via SP Releasing on Vudu. If u want the physical copy, well the IFC folks have found it at their local Dollar Tree, along with the udder $1.25 flotsam and jetsam, but yer local one may or may not have it – check ’em all out, just to be sure! It also pops up on Ebay. a Blu Ray is SUPPOSED to be available at Walmart, but there’s nut’n honey there when you click – maybe you have to be blind or a ghost to see it, I dunno. You can get the digital poster of the film at Cinematerial.com and Themoviedb.org. That’s about it for schwag, unfortunately. If yer obsessed over Alix Villaret, like the MooCow is, here are a few sites featuring her: Instagram, SP Release article, an-udder SP Release article. And the homeship for SP Releasing can be found right here, with articles and trailers for all their stuff. We keeeed a lot about these moovies, but please, if you can support independent film making please do, we love our indies, even the stinky ones, because at least they’re trying to do something different and fun, so we put out the word whenever we can.

Oh Mr. Plastic Skeleton, when do I get to take my shirt off again??