Uncategorized

Episode 114: Won Ton Ton: The Dog that Saved Hollywood (1976)

The year was 1976 – bicentennial fever was sweeping the nation as it celebrated 200 years of freedom! Rocky, All the President’s Men, Taxi Driver, and Network ruled the box office. And then someone made this hairy dog of a flick… :=8P
I mean, everyone loves a comedy, right? And who doesn’t love a cute pooch moovie? If 1974’s Benji proved anything, its that if a cute doggy moovie that cost 500k were made right it cud gross 45 million world wide, get nominated for an Oscar, and spawn all kinds of sequels and spin-offs.

But that was not the fate of this bad shaggy dog story, really moore of an unfunny tribute to the Silent Film era of the 20’s, when dog star Rin Tin Tin ruled Hollywood with an iron paw. Well, buckle up boys and girls, because the kids from the Indie Film Cafe are going to check out Won Ton Ton: the Dog That Saved Hollywood in our latest episode – Moody, the MooCow, and long-suffering Just Jenn won’t know what hit ’em! IFC’s Joe Turek pops in for some free suffering as well!

Positively overstuffed with a bewildering array of cameos of old, moostly forgotten stars and celebrities of years gone by, including, but not limited to: Phil Silvers, Edgar Bergen, Milton Bearle, Joan Blondell, John Carradine, Cyd Charisse, Jackie Coogan, Yvonne De Carlo, Andy Devine, Alice Faye, Rhonda Flemming, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sterling Holloway, Tab Hunter, Dorothy Lamour, Peter Lawford, Keye Luke, Victor Mature, Virginia Mayo, Ethel Merman, Ann Miller, Ricardo Montalban, Walter Pidgeon, The Ritz Brothers, Dean Stockwell, Rudy Vallee, Johnny Weissmuller and Henny Youngman. The main stars include Bruce Dern (Coming Home), Madeleine Kahn (Young Frankenstein), Art Carney (The Honeymooners), Teri Garr (Close Encounters of the Third Kind), and Ron Leibman (Norma Rae), all of whom are moost hopeful that the world forgets this film ever existed.

Folks, this is a odd flick that was not supposed to be made – every studio that saw the script turned it down, the script itself was re-written several times over, for different leading ladies, and only the intercession of producer David Picker (god only knows why!) who managed to sell it as a comedy, AND got Michael Winner (best known for directing several of the not-very-funny Death Wish moovies) to direct it, got it made at all. Mooch to our cowllective chagrin.

The plot, such as it is, from the Wikipedia: after escaping from a dog pound, a German Shepherd links up with a budding actress and a wannabe film scriptwriter and becomes a Hollywood star. That’s pretty much it, folks. Long, dull, unfunny, periodically mean-spirited (who wants to see a dog trying to commit suicide??), and loaded with some really bad, cringe-worthy mooments, This was the Little Film That Stank. Really bad!

Well, the scores are in, and while pretty bad we here at IFC have definitely seen worse. Moody (moore charmed than the rest of us) awarded the film a 6, while Just Jenn (8.0) and the MooCow (8.5) did not hold back their displeasure – and while Joe Turek was an extra on this episode, he would have scored it a 9.5! Overall, Won Ton Ton gets a 22.5 for an overall Stink Score, which makes for a Stinky Average of 7.5. On the Ladder of Stink, this mutt of a moovie is moore than few rungs up, landing right there with Crater Lake Monster.

Check out the trailer right HERE. Stream it on Vudu. Git yer hooves on the DVD or Blu Ray from good ol’ Uncle Amazon, or get it through the re-sale market at such places as Ebay, Thriftbooks.com, or Igwues. If you want a vintage poster of the film from 1976, cough up $59.99 at Movieposters.com, and its yours! You can get a half sheet from them too! New poster copies can be bought at Wish.com, and even Walmart. You can find B7W celeb pics form the moovie at Ebay, for folks like Virginia Mayo, Madeline Kahn, Bruce Dern, Ron Leibman, etc. Ebay also has a used official mooovie tee shirt as well! Love the soundtrack – well here is the Won Ton Ton Rag!

Uncategorized

Episode 113: Totem (1999)

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody is back for another blog! Here’s another review we did VIA zoom so no Paul in this episode. This time to chat about the 1999 David DeCoteau/ Full Moon flick, “Totem”. Of course since its Full Moon I had to ask my buddy Dustin Hubbard to come back, with special guest John Ward. The last time they were on the show together was “White Wolves: A Cry in the Wild 2”. This time it’s a completely different kind of flick. And it was worse than I remembered it being! Oh boy was it worse! Check out the latest episode on Indie Film Cafe!

From the IMDB Plot: 

Six people find themselves inexplicably transported to a remote cabin that is surrounded by an invisible barrier. In a nearby graveyard, they discover an ancient, carved stone monument that they dub a “totem pole.” Soon, they find themselves trapped in a murderous plot by malevolent forces that can control and manipulate their actions with the ultimate goal being to unleash three demonic entities from the monument.

I’m sorry, but I didn’t fully get all of that from the actual movie itself. It was very confusing. I mean that plot right there sounds like a lot of fun; and the movie Dustin, John, and I watched was not nearly as fun. It was way cheesier, and the totem monsters are very laughable. But of course the actors took it very seriously.  Speaking of actors the lead actor Jason Faunt would move on to become a Power Ranger. The lead girl Marissa Tait would go on to be on The Bold and the Beautiful after this movie. David DeCoteau is very good at finding talented cast members who later become super famous on other films/series. I guess David is a bit of a stepping stone to bigger things. 

Even though Dustin doesn’t remember this he picked this movie when I was chatting with him on Messenger. I asked him to pick a full moon 90s/00s movie to review and he said, “Well Totem is one of the worst of the DeCoteau full moon movies we should do that one”… so blame Dustin if you want but I love getting some of the stinkier movies on here anyway. Especially since Season 5 is all about finding the worst of the worst if we can. However this one isn’t one of the worst movies… not even the worst of David DeCoteau’s catalogue of films. 

Speaking of which the scores are in… And although this was a stinker none of us found it to be 10-worthy. I was the only who gave it the roughest of scores, with a 9; meanwhile Dustin and John both agreed that 8 is what it truly deserved. Making it a Stink Score of 25, which is a Stinky Average of 8.3 – once again not the worst score, but damn pretty high on the Ladder of Stink. That is up there with Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City, Dark Wolf, Cat Women of the Moon, Ankle Biters, Alien Beasts, Pocket Ninjas, and Wild World of Batwoman

Well that wraps up another blog for me… Paul is going to take over and tell you where you can find this. Take it away Paul…

Moo everyone! Check out the O-fficial trailer right HERE. It can be seen for free on TUBI. And you can check out the full moovie on Youtube, if you are so inclined. You can stream it on Amazon Prime, as well as Full Moon Streaming. For a physical copy u can find the DVD at Amazon, Walmart, Oldies.com, and DVDPlanet.com. It also pops up on the re-sale market at places like EBAY. if yer lucky you can find it as part of a 3 disc set on the Rituals of the Occult DVD at thrift stores, and the like, from time to time, or on Ebay. Goldposter.com has the digital version of the moovie poster in couple of sizes. No mugs or tee shirts, but if yer really lucky you might be able to grab a toy version of the totem critter from Ebay!!! Its also at Collectors.com, folks!

Uncategorized

Episode 112: The Janitor (2003)

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody here. And boy were we in for a treat here at Indie Film Cafe. Back in 2006, I had started a podcast called The Independent Corner; it was my first introduction in to the world of podcasting, and it led to many many great things happening. Two of the people I had on my show were Andy Signore and TJ Nordaker: both together made a movie called, “The Janitor” in 2003! I picked this movie which I was planning to save for Season 6 (however another DVD didn’t work) so I had to improvise and I chose “The Janitor” – mainly because G Larry Butler (who is a friend & fellow co-host of Indie Film Cafe) AND Uncle Lloyd Kaufman (President of Troma) are in it, and because Joe Turek was our special guest. Paul, Joe, and I worked with Larry so we were excited to review the film. Well what did we all think… listen to the latest podcast episode, and find out! And make sure you watch the movie first cause there’s about to be a few spoilers in this blog.

Andy Signore plays Lionel, a down-on-his-luck custodian who wants more with his life. When he is treated like crap and literally pissed on, and then he starts to take out his rage on fellow co workers. The body count begins to rise, so the dimwitted Agent Page (Skip Pipo) is called in to investigate. All the while Lionel is falling in love with a co-worker named Hilary (Fiona McIntyre), who has no interest in him. When he is rudely left waiting for her on a date, that’s when he ups his murders. All the while his best friend and mentor Mr. Cornelious Growbo (Bruce Cronander) is trying his best to calm him down; of course, it’s not working. Things seem bleak for poor Lionel but then he gets asked to interview for a sorority house. He’s packing up, and Mr. Growbo wants to come with. However Lionel wants to do this alone. Mr. Growbo tells him to expect vengeance from him, and vengeance is in place. Things get worse when Mr. Growbo gets the job and not Lionel. Now its up to Lionel and his new janitorial partner Willis (John Carreon) to take down Growbo once and for all. But will they or will Mr. Growbo be victorious?

Other characters throughout the movie that stood out was Mary (the not-so-virgin office slut, played wonderfully by Crystal LeBard): I think she won over the MooCow’s heart. Also there was G Larry Butler as Mr. Bouillabaisse. He was a way too interested in STDs for someone in a regular office setting, but hey everyone’s gotta have a hobby. We really loved Lloyd Kaufman as the pesky homeless guy who Lionel keeps cutting off his arms. Of course, Lloyd had to put Troma stickers and banners all over his sleeping area next to the dumpsters. 

The Janitor was a lot more fun for Paul and me: I think the gross-out gags and everything wasn’t really up to Joe’s type of humor. We shouldn’t ever show him Geek Maggot Bingo… wait we already did. Okay, that was worse. This one though I had a few gross-out gags, usually involving semen and other bodily fluids. Still it was filmed really well, directed well, and acted pretty well (some of the acting being over-acting, but that is sort of par for the course in this type of flick).  The movie was zany and silly! Exactly what you hope to find at Indie Film Cafe.

And the scores are in…. As I said before Joe was not as a big on the gross out gags as Paul and I are. Maybe we gotta make him watch a Troma movie, like a hardcore one. He’s gotta see that there is definitely ones grosser than this movie. But he gave it a 7.5, which shocked Paul and I. We were thinking lower cause we both gave it a 4. But man, if you listen to the podcast you will hear why Joe gave it such a high stink score. Making the Total Stink Score to be a 15.5, which isn’t too high on the Ladder of Stink. It’s actually tied with Stiff Jobs, so that does give you an idea of what to expect. That’s a Stinky Average of 5.2.

Anyway thank you all for checking this out… The MooCow’s gonna show you where you can get it!

Moo everyone! So the official trailer is right HERE. Snap up the DVD at ol’ Uncle Amazon. It also pops up from time to time on Ebay. In theory you can kind of rent the DVD from Netflix but I dunno… Check out the moovie page on Facebook! And its plugged by Howard Stern, if that does anything for you. You can get the digital of the moovie poster at Movieposterdb.com and Cinematerial.com. And while I was unable to find a moovie-related tee shirt or mug, you can get THIS kewl janitorial mug for your Joe to stay in spirit! if you dug the soundtrack, check it out HERE, which shows cow you can download the individual songs. Flick Attack has a nice write up HERE.

Uncategorized

Episode 110: Geek Maggot Bingo (1983)

Well, the MooCow finally did it: he dropped the Stink Bomb of all stink bombs! Behold, everyone, the legendary weird bad flick Geek Maggot Bingo, from our old Cinema of the Transgression friend Nick Zed – and boyhowdy does this one ever stink! Are the Indie Film Cafe kids up to the task? Only way to find out is to give a listen on the Latest Podcast Episode, which finds Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Joe Turek moaning and groaning in agony over this very ‘special’ moovie experience!

Also known as The Freak from Suckweasel Mountain (because one stupid title wasn’t enough for this flick, clearly…), this moovie stars…ummm…well, punk rock moosician Richard Hell, and uh, basically no one else. So, Dr. Frankenberry (ha-ha) tries to reanimate the dead with the assistance of his hunchbacked assistant Gecko (ha-ha); his ridiculous daughter Buffy, and her wanna-be boyfriend Flavian, are around to stupid up the narrative, and aforementioned Richard Hell (as the Rawhide Kid) pops in for a while, while the nefarious Scumbalina (Donna Death, punk singer from Zedd’s first flick They Eat Scum) plots her mischief in the background. Eventually, Frankenberry’s cheap, unrecognizable monster, The Formaldehyde Man, escapes, and ummm…things and stuff sort of happen. Its very dark and the sound is crap, so honestly its anybody’s guess as to what actually happens. Old, half-asleep horror host Zacherle mumbles incowherently for a bit as well. The End. Oyyyy….

Easily the cheapest, crappiest, nonsensical garbage this cow has ever seen, and boy did it pack a stinky punch – the IFC kids didn’t know what hit them! Cardboard props, painted sets, a dark basement redecorated over and over as the ‘setting’, ridiculously amateurish performances – Geek Maggot Bingo is one of the poorest productions ever seen by human eyes – or a cow’s! Worse still is the stumbling, muttering, incowherent plot line that is one of the dullest experiences set to film – I suppose good ol’ Nick Zedd did us all a favor by making it too dark to see and too muffled to hear anything. Be thankful for small favors… :=8/

Hard 10’s from everyone – was there any doubt? This probably ranks as one the worst flicks ever seen on Indie Film Cafe, with only Miss Werewolf at the tippy top of the Stink Pile, and even then not by mooch. Wow, trust the MooCow, you HAVE to see this one to believe it – good luck! Big time 30 on the Ladder of Stink! I’m not sure Sick Flick Productions AD & producer Joe Turek is gonna recuperate from this one! Cookie Mueller, who starred in a number of John Waters films, once famously said: “I have never in my lifetime of experience with low-budget films seen one this low . . . It lies somewhere below the subculture, even beneath the New York subway system.”

There is no trailer for this mess. Good luck finding it anywhere, although I suppose this is an act of kindness. If you have the loot you can find it on Amazon, although burning your moolah would end up being moore satisfying. For some odd reason you can get the dvd on Superherostuff.com, ’cause when I think superheroes I immediately thinkn of this film. It shows up on Ebay from time to time, like a recurring case of the clap, but don’t expect it to be cheap. Get the poster from MoviePosters2.com, if you moost. The digital is at Cinematerial.com. And expect to pay a mint if you ever come across Nick Zedd’s original poster. Colored replicas pop up from time to time too. Wig out your normy friends with the Tee Shirt. If you can’t get enough Geek Maggot Bingo (and who cud??), Dangerous Minds Underground Spook Show has a review, and it was featured on the Cinema Snob. Oh, and there is also an Official Drool Cup, as you do…

Well, we here at IFC are sorry to see Nick Zedd go this past year, but he has left us a healthy plop of stink to view and review over the next few seasons, now that the Nick Zedd cherry has been popped here at Indie Film Cafe – stay tuned, i am sure we will have moore to come next season, and beyond!
:=8D

Uncategorized

Episode 111: Hot Chicks Blast Uranus (2012/2021)

Ok, you wanna talk about the ultimate Guilty Pleasure fun moovie?? We’ve found it with Richard Mogg‘s lost 2012 flick Hot Chicks Blast Uranus, which was made in 2012 and released in 2021, and absolutely everybody on the planet needs to see right now! I mean, who doesn’t want to see a bevy of hotties blasting evil stuffed Elmo puppets from outer space?? Its the stuff that dreams, and fun episodes of Indie Film Cafe, are made from! Join Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Ri Maku and get ready to blast those stuffies! :=8D

At a halfway house for troubled teen girls, one Miss Candy Pickles shows the ladies, and the world, who is the boss babe when the earth is invaded by slimy gummie worms from plastic ball space ships which invade human cavities and produce – you guessed it! – one eyed Elmo monster stuffies! Fortunately, Candy is able to overcome the udder girl’s problems and traumas, and unite them all, in a cowsmic battle to the death – and perhaps save mankind and the world from Elmo destruction! AND, if that weren’t kewl enough, it turns out that Ms. Pickles was destined for greatness, just as this film should be! And Alexis Belvedere is the hero we all need!

This flick was soooo much crazy, overthetop fun, with a rockin’ soundtrack, very ‘special’ special effects, colorful costumes, some 40+ ‘teenagers’, and a timely message about overcowming our differences to defeat a common (and fuzzy!) evil – this moovie promised stinky, silly fun, and delivered it in spades! If you already know RickMoe Productions (Bigfoot Ate My Boyfriend, Teenage Slumber Party Nightmare, Easter Bunny Bloodbath), then you know what to expect – and if you don’t then this is the perfect place to start! I gets the feeling we will be seeing moore of Richard Mogg on Indie Film Cafe in the not too distant future!

And the scores are in! As expected, Hot Chicks Blast Uranus scored pretty low on the Stinkometer, getting a 4.0 from Moody, a 5.0 from Ri Maku, and a 3.0 from da MooCow, giving the film a total Stink Score of 12, which is a Stinky Average of 4.0! On the Ladder of Stink this moovie is tied with Witchouse 3 and Shrunken Heads! Not too shabby!

Check out the fun trailer HERE. And this is the ‘mosaic’ trailer! Its not streaming anywhere this cow cud find, unfortunately, but you can order yerself a dvd copy right HERE! Honestly, if there is any justice in this world this moovie would be available everywhere! Since the moovie is pretty rare, there are no swag sites I cud find – but they did a pretty nice review of the moovie at Horrorsociety.com, which you should check out. It can also be found on the Facebook page for B-Movie.com, with an ordering site as well.

Let’s hope this moovie can get sold everywhere, ’cause the world sorely needs fun indie flicks like Hot Chicks Blast Uranus!
:=8D