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Episode 18: Fateful Findings

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Well, I knew it was going to happen.  I knew it was going to happen.  Yep, I always knew it was going to happen.  So sorry, folks, you caught me Breening!  And that’s because those poor schlubs at Indie Film Cafe finally got around to watching a Neil Breen film, the one and only Fateful Findings!  And if it ain”t a magical day, then it sure is a crappy one!

This epic failure stars Neil Breen as pretty much himself: the greatest hacker/writer/human being with alien super powers the world has ever seen.  We know this is true because the great man wrote, directed, produced, starred in, and pretty mooch did everything apart from wear a dress and play the female leads in this flaccid flick!  And my oh my did the 10’s come a-flyin’!  Remember when you thought Roller Gator was bad?  Remember when you thought Barn of the Blood Llama was bad???  Neil Breen is the king, all other must bow down before the master!  Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe podcast and witness the torture the MooCow has in store for his poor, unfortunate film buddies.  It’s a magical day!!!!!

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I can’t believe you used all that raspberry sauce, i can’t believe you used all that raspberry sauce…

Yep, we got our first 10 here folks, and not only that but it was unanimous!  A clean sweep!  10’s across the board!  That means a maximum 30 out of 30 stink points, and behold: a new leader has emerged at the top of the Stinky Movie Scoreboard, dominating the Stinkometer like no udder film has in season one!  Yep, we got our first 30, folks, but the big question is – will it be Season One’s last???

Stinky Score 10

 

Git yer hot, steamin’ Fateful Findings trailer action right HERE!  Marvel at how deftly Neil Breen saves America right HERE!!  Witness the intense acting that comes from a simple sip of coffee HERE!!!  Dying for yer very own copy of this amazing moovie?  Of course you are!  But you’ll have to get it right from the source, ’cause its not even on Amazon these days.  Never in history has $25.95 plus shipping and handling been moore wisely spent!  Check out the great man’s Twitter page as well, he’s always got a handful of dvds and blu ray to sell you!  And check out this scha-weeeeet Neil Breen-inspired digital art at Redbubble!  Or if you have some Danish Kroner lying around (and who doesn’t?), check out this kewl Danish Neil Breen Etsy store!

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Kiss it!  Kiss the filthy mask!!!

I’m not certain this slop bucket cud ever be topped folks, but here at Indie Film Cafe we are keen to try, and if its out there you can bet dollars to doughnuts that we’ll find it for you!
:=8D

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Episode 17: Birdemic Shock & Terror

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Head for the hills, its the birds!  No, not the classic Hitchcock moovie, far, far from it!  This is Birdemic: Shock and Terror, James Nguyen‘s fabulously terrible, weird, and incompetent masterpiece from 2010, and there are very few birds this like this turkey in the world!  Part Eco-morality tale, part clumsy CGI-ladened bird-horror flick, Birdemic is 100% full of stink.  Starring Rod the Puppet, Natalie, the dopey chick who adores him, a solar panel salesman, the unfunkiest black performer in the history of moosic, and a bunch of barely mooving, cheap, shrill, and annoying CGI birds.  Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe podcast to see if this flick is the worst one yet in a season just brimming full of stink!  You’ll just want to applaud…forever.

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What the hell???

Between the amazing special effects, the top notch production values, and amazing acting, the MooCow isn’t sure this flick can be topped!  Ever!
:=8D

Well, at least Whitney Moore has gone on to bigger and better things, like Birdemic 2: The Resurrection and Another Yeti Love Story!  Poor Whitney…

Well, there you go, kids: The MooCow, Moody, AND Just Jenn all agreed 100% on this one, giving the mighty Birdemic 9.5s across the board, making this flaccid flick the highest ranking moovie on the Stinkometer Scoreboard so far, with a total Stink Score of 28.5 – out of a maximum of 30!  And you thought Barn of the Blood Llama was bad!

Stinky Score 10

 

If you can stand it, HERE is a trailer – don’t say you weren’t warned!  To git yer hooves on a dvd copy of this stinker, head on over to Amazon.  If you’d rather see all of the moovie’s glory in fabulous high def Blu Ray, and who doesn’t, then head over HERE.  Or go right to the source and git yer copy from the Severin Films website.  Or get the high-sterical Rifftrax version at their website.  And with Cowlloween cowming up, who wouldn’t like to wear a nifty Birdemic costume??  And any real fan would love this kewl Alan Bagh (Rod the Puppet) political poster, so they can gaze at his wooden beauty every day!

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Tora! Tora! Tora!!!

The Indie Film Cafe kids say enjoy this crappy, fowl-feathered stinker, but be careful where you fuel up!
;=8)

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Episode 16: The Double D Avenger

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Well, butter my swingin’ udders, those crazy kids at Indie Film Cafe have dug up a truly strange and stinky superhero flick from the 90’s called The Double D Avenger, and chances are you’ve never seen a blockbuster like this on the boob tube before! Anime director William Winckler‘s first full length motion picture is an epic comic book yarn of such ample proportions that he needed three, count ’em THREE, busty broads from the Russ Meyer film catalogue to fulfill his mighty ambitions!  Kitten Natavidad (Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens) plays Chastity Knox, a mild-mannered, huge hootered English pub owner who becomes the titular (and then some) heroine to fight crime, including Al Purplewood (G. Larry Butler) gang of buxom strippers, including Haji (Faster Pussycat Kill Kill!) as Hydra Heffer, Mimma Mariucci, as Pirate Juggs, and Sheri Dawn Thomas, as Ooga Boobies.  Raven De la Croix (Up!) and Lunden De’Leon (Space Girls in Beverly Hills) amply round out the cast, which also includes a wacky cameo by horror film buff Forrest J. Ackerman, and the greatest German techno chicken dancing ever committed to film.  Check out the Indie Film Cafe podcast, and say thanks for the mammeries!

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Hmmm, I sense a theme here….

The MooCow gave this bra-busting moovie a solid 7 on the Stinkometer, while Moody chimed in with a 7.5; Just Jenn, in a generous mood, awarded the film a 5, giving the Double D Avenger a total Stink Score of 19.5, which roughly averages out to a 6.5.

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Check out the enormous trailer HERE, and to git yer hooves on a copy for your very own check out Amazon – and for the real fan check out this whey kewl Double D Avenger collectible doll HERE!!! And for our snobby literary friends, get the Jerrod Balzer novelization of the moovie HERE.  Personally, I think you need to see this flick to believe it, but that’s just the MooCow’s opinion.  Finally, git yer hooves on the 27′ x 40′ Japanese poster HERE, and check out an interesting interview with Director William Winckler about the film HERE.

Who doesn’t love seeing the Double D Avenger giving those criminals a little TIT for TAT???
:=8D

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Tit for Tat!
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Episode 15: Night of the Ghouls

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Ok, so you knew it was only a matter of time before those wacky kids at Indie Film Cafe would get around to do a podcast of an Ed Wood moovie, right?  I mean, ol’ Ed is the Crown Prince of Le Bad Cinema, and you cud pick pretty much any one of his flaccid flicks for a hoot and a holler.  But Night of the Ghouls (1959) is kind of special because it really does bridge the gap between Ed’s golden stinky years and his later, alcohol-fueled nudie-quickie films during his later downward spiral – so you can honestly say it captures the very last of his earnest and hopeful creative energies.  Ed Wood still had hope at this point, and Night of the Ghouls gleefully snuffs it out, like a naughty 8 year old boy stomping an ant hill.  For Ed Wood alumnus Kenne Duncan, it was his last major role; Duke Moore still had 1960’s The Sinister Urge and 1970’s grungy Take it Out in Trade to look forward to; Tor Johnson had 1961’s The Beast of Yucca Flats to look forward to, and not much else; poor Valda Hansen would have s few crappy 70’s nudie flicks in her future, and that’s about it; Harvey B. Dunn would also end up in the Sinister Urge, but for long-time Ed Wood Alum Paul Marco, thous would be his last Ed Wod moovie, and the curtain call for Officer Kelton.  So, in many ways, Night of the Ghouls represents the sad end of an wonderfully stinky era.  So enjoy the moaning Lobo, the goofy as f*@% seance scene, Harvey B. Dunne’s nagging shrew of a wife, the inexplicable drunk who hiccups, farts, and then leaves, and sooo much moore!

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Service seems pretty slow at this restaurant…

As one might expect, this episode was pretty stinky: the MooCow gave it a 7.5, while Just Jenn gave it a 7; Moody took pity on ol’ Ed Wood and gave it a 6, for a total Stink Score of 20.5!

Stinky Score 7

 

Those looking for some hot trailer action can find it here!  Ed Wood’s stinky classic has inspired loads of folks, from Elvira to gothy punk band Ghoul Squad, to beach rave-up band the Dynotones!  If you want to git yer hooves on a copy of this moovie for yourself, and who wouldn’t, then go to Amazon and be prepared to fork over some of your hard-earned moolah – and check out a release overview of this and udder Ed Wood moovies at Ed Wood On-line!  And if you REALLY wanna splurge, go for the Ed Wood Box set HERE, which has Glen or Glenda, Jail Bait, Bride of the Monster, Plan Nine from Outer Space, Night of the Ghouls, and the great documentary the Haunted World of Ed Wood – trust the MooCow, you’ll be glad you did!
:=8D

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“Mongo Mongo Mongo!!!!”

 

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Episode 14: Barn of the Blood Llama

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Incest.  Decapitation.  Bestiality.  Animal shaped coffins.  Llamas.  Oh man, this insane flick has it all!  Yes, deep down in whack-a-doodle Texas, there is a magical place called the World O’ Wool, where Gibby and his brother Jug make a living (somecow) from their herd of llamas, with a bit of help from the crazy, even-toned Doc Albert, who is trying to find the secret of Day-glo wool (and who isn’t?).  But our woolly pals have udder things in mind, especially when a gaggle of menstruating females from the Greasy Squeeze pops up, and they go all bloody crazy, and start to spit toxic cud (as you do) and murdering everyone in sight (or at least their mangy puppet stand-ins do).  The result, as you might expect, is something truly horrific!  Its a moovie that dares ask the question: Does everything in Texas spit toxic cud?  Well, we all know the answer to that…

Somecow, the Indie Film Cafe crew managed to survive this episode, but boy was it close!  Check out the moaning and groaning on their podcast, and take bets on how long before Just Jenn hits the MooCow over his head with a shovel for this one!  Personally, I think Gibby says it best here.  Oh yeah, and Clive Barker shows up.

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The MooCow and Just Jenn did agree to give this batshit crazy film 9.5 scores on the Stinkometer, while poor Moody cud only proffer a 9 because he is genuinely frightened of what might come next.  That’s a 28 total Stink Score, folks, and is an all-time Stinkometer high!  Can Barn of the Blood Llama possibly be topped?  Only one way to find out, folks…

Stinky Score 9

Trailer??  We don’t got no stinking trailer!  Well, ok, we do have this fun little bit straight social media hell itself, Facebook. There are AETV interviews of the maniacs involved with this flick here and here.  And there is a great Gibby interview here.  There is a 25th anniversary edition out there, so if you wanna get your hooves on a copy (and you should!), cowtact the guys on their Facebook page and ask for directions.

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“Mamma loves her Llamas…”