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Grizzly Rage (2007)

Grrr! Arrrgg! Is that a monster I hear? No, its a cute, fuzzy marshmallow-eating bear, shot apart from the actors in a way to make him appear to be menacing, in this unbearable “killer bear” / angry critter moovie from our Canadian friends, called Grizzly Rage! Yes, its the rage of the grizzlies. Said title comes from an angry momma bear (played by an actual male bear named Koda who “smiled” in order to be fed marshmallows) that goes on a revenge rampage after a bunch of fake backwards-hat wearing “teenage” bro-dudes run over her cub, then stupidly ruin every possible chance they have to escape it. The red herrings pile up as the marshmallow-eating bear stalks them all (appearing magically wherever they are, like furry, four-legged Jason from Friday the 13th). Fortunately the bear kills them all, the end. The moovie stars Tyler Hoechlin, Graham Kosakoski, Brody Harms, and Kate Todd (the only 4 characters in the entire flick besides the bear); veteran stinky moovie auteur David DeCoteau directs, while the Indie Film Cafe kids howl in their own rage of disbelief – join Moody, the MooCow, and special guest star actress and make-up artist McKenzie Kelly on the latest podcast episode to hear moore!

Don’t rage on me, bro, I’m wearing my best dew-rag!

So where to start? The biggest problem is the terrible, ridiculous script which includes fake Canadian teens, a magical, omnipresent bear, an undeveloped toxic waste plot point, lame off-screen deaths, and a story which demands that the characters do the stupidest possible things in order to make themselves available to be bear-chow. I mean, until one of the bro-dudes runs his own vehicle off a cliff, they cud just drive away, and where’s the fun in that? And why take refuge in the second story or even attic of a house, where the bear can’t get to you, when you can just run around outside with a tire iron where the bear is? Arne Olsen (Cop & A Half , Red Scorpion 2, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers), we’re lookin’ directly at you. And these paper thin characters are so irritating that you will root for the bear to kill them all, quickly. Unfortunately it takes forever, and the viewer is stuck listening to hapless, empty dialogue or watching endless climbing or weird light strobes in the darkness, simulating – lightning? Fireflies?? Radioactive mutant bears??? Even wanna-be wrestlers think this flick is lame

Yeah, no one is going anywhere until I gets me a fat sack of marshmallows…

Ay chihuahua, but this moovie is a mess! Moody and the MooCow pulled no punches, awarding a 7 and an 8.5 respectively; sweet-hearted McKenzie Kelly, while recognizing the film’s many flaws, went with a 6, saying it wasn’t the worst film she’d seen. Stick around, kid, you ain’t seen nuttin’ yet! Grizzly Rage ends up with a Stink Total of 21.5, which breaks down to a 7.2 Stink Average, and which makes for a fairly odoriferous flop of a film. On the Ladder of Stink, Grizzly Rage occupies a rung just under Crater Lake Monster, and just above The Giant Claw.

See the ragin’ official trailer right HERE. Watch the digital copy on the Tube of You HERE. To git yer hooves on a dvd copy, check out Uncle AMAZON. And its on PRIME too. DVD copies are also on Ebay, Walmart, and Alibris. and its cheap AF on FYE. And and it is part of an angry critter multi-pack dvd set, along with Croc, Maneater, Dire Wolf, and Chupacabra vs. The Alamo (oh yea gods!), which you can get HERE. I don’t expect a blu ray version anytime soon. IcePoster.com has two kewl Grizzly Rage posters fer sale, because who wouldn’t want that? And while this is not a Grizzly Rage tee-shirt per se, you can still look kewl with this ragin’ Momma Bear Tee Shirt. And there there’s, ummmm…THIS. and, of course, there is a cute lil’ bear stuffie right HERE because we all need one of these! Love the soundtrack? Then check THIS out, yer welcome! Clearly the gods above have smiled down upon us because someone kindly made a video of one of Kate Todd’s songs with images from Grizzly Rage, and I think it says it all. Then, there’s THIS weird thing…

Sooo…are you ever going to take that stupid hat off?

Ok, it ain’t Grizzly, or Claws, or Bear, or Night of the Grizzly, or Grizzly Maze, or Grizzly Park, or Grizzly Falls, Grizzly Man, or even Gentle Ben – and it sure ain’t the nasty CGI bear from The Reverent that tore the hell outta Leo, BUT if yer lookin’ for some easy, mindless stink which happens to feature a big ol’ fuzzy bear (and the always-cute Kate Todd), then we humbly submit Grizzly Rage as your next selection. Peace out, and make sure you bring a bag of marshmallows on your vehicular tear-ass through the forest, you never know what kind of toxic waste mutant critter is out there!
;=8)

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Episode 61: Stiff Jobs (2009)

Welcome IFC fans to the wacky, wonderful, and thoroughly weird world of Strangeville, soon to meet two of the moost ruthless hitmen in the area, so say nothing of the assorted oddball and gender-questionable characters around – and keep your raincoats firmly fastened kids, as the fluids (body and/or udderwise) will be a flyin’! Yes, Indie Film Cafe has finally booked a visit to the fertile world of Kevin Strange ( the mad genius behind Hack Movies), specifically the film Stiff Jobs – check out what Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Rebecca Rinehart have to say about this fun flick in our latest podcast episode! We also checked out some Butt Hash, because why the heck not??

Cletus Choat suggests you suck it…

Butt Hash is a short film that…well, exists. In it we are introduced to Strangeville’s moost omnipresent characters, Nixon and Hogan, who proceed to helpfully clue us in on cow to better enjoy the upcowming main feature, Stiff Jobs. Let’s just say you need to take their help with a grain of salt…and perhaps a barf bag. But its a good preview for what is in store! The main moovie Stiff Jobs tells the gaudy, grotesque tale of Wolfram Hart and Windgate McGillicuddy, a pair of work-for-hire hitmen lookin’ to up their profile, and their body cownts, to the detriment of a long list of weird, wonderful sleazeball characters – and perhaps a seriously dangerous and deluded sorcerer as well? There is sex (of a kind), violence, gender cowfusion, cross dressing, man rape, dildo-fu, bat shit tea, body fluid sprays (of all types), and a on-going discussion about fellatio that is locker room humor on huge, lumpy, hairy steroids. In udder words, it’s a film that has everything! :=8D

It’s just a flesh wound…

Story-wise, its a set up for the next Hack Movie offering, Cockhammer – but clearly these two characters needed their own flick, and we’re so thankful that we got it! The moovie stars many folks from Kevin Strange’s group of talented friends who make up the Strangeville universe, including Thadeus Starbuckle (Wolfram and Wolfram’s MOMS), David Wayne Black (Windgate), Joshitsuo Montoya (Cletus Choat), Jonny Jonny (Bum Leader), as well as Devin Wilder (from Rock & Roll Vampire, Redneck Carnage, and the Pizza Delivery Massacre). The Strange Man himself wrote, directed, produced, and shot this bad boy, and he also stars as the insidiously evil Cockhammer, as well as several udder smaller roles. All this AND the best fried potato yams in all of Strangeville!

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

And the votes are IN! The IFC kids clearly had some fun with this frisky lil gobbler, with the MooCow awarding it a 4, Moody a 5, and guest co-host Rebecca Rinehart a 6.5 – that’s a Stink Total of 15.5, and a Stink Average of 5.2! That’s a pretty good score, especially for this season of IFC, and not too smelly either!

A standard trailer for this film cud not be found, BUT I do has a TEASER for you to check out! Sadly, Hack Movies is no moore, at least as far as the dvd website is cowcerned – COWEVER, if you go to Kevin Strange’s personal website you can purchase yer own physical copy to rub your hot little hooves all over! You can also purchase the udder Hack Movies there too, and get caught up on the Strange Man, and check out all his books, comics, and creative content. There is also a boatload of merch there as well, including that Hack Movies thong that you wanna buy oh so much! ;=8) And if you absolutely must, Kevin was kind enough to include the flick on YouTube as well, but please support the indies if you can and buy direct from Kevin himself, so that Windgate can keep that tranny porn cowllection up to speed!

“Really dude, tranny porn?” “Don’t judge me, Wolfram; and its Trans Gender Porn!”

Ok, Stiff jobs might not be to everyone’s taste, especially for those who can be easily offended or triggered – but its a heck of a fun ride if you are down for it! And keep yer eyes peeled: I have a feeling this isn’t the last trip IFC makes to Strangeville!
;=8)

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Episode 60: Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood (2008)

It’s a mootant! It’s a zombie!! Its a vampire!!! Its…from da Hood! Its all three at once in this weird, mixed-up mash-up of a moovie, cowbining undead flesheaters, undead blood drinkers, semi-undead sex perverts, street gangs, cops, and pretty mooch anything else you can think of. Sh@* be kickin’, yo. Word. And if your mission in life was to hear and see C. Thomas Howell try to speak like a woke streetwise gangsta, mission accomplished! Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe episode to hear what the IFC kids are moaning about this time – special guest stinker reviews include actress Kenzie Philips and make-up artist McKenzie Kelly join original host Jonathan Moody as they discuss this wacky stinker!

Dude, I gots NO idea what’s going on in this picture…

So, overnight the world goes kablooey because a solar flare came too close and everyone not underground or in a lead shielded building (like out cops-n-thugs main characters, cowveniently) becomes…well, its never really clear exactly what is going on. Some folks are traditional zombies, some become vampires, some become vampire-zombie hybrids, and some become a sort of half-dead, half-alive breed of sex mootants. Dat was some solar flare! Also cars no longer work (which keeps the budget lower), although tv stations set up in personal homes do , which is odd when you cowsider the opposite would happen during a real solar flare. But we’re not in the world of science and logic here, folks, trust me.

Our unlikely protagonists include the leftovers of a pair of rival drug gangs, one Asian and one African-American, and the one cop (C. Thomas Howell) dumb enough to get himself stuck with them. They pick up a few random characters along the way, though mainly they are red shirt character, there to become zombie munchies and/or rape victims. Its a forced buddy zombithon with the cop and the leaders of each gang. Across town there is a professor (Gregory Allen Williams) who is broadcasting from his home because he knows stuff , and his hot white scientist daughter (Johanna Watts) , who are trying to get people to come to his place because, well, he knows stuff – clearly he hasn’t been watching the Walking Dead to know that in a zombapocalype it isn’t the dead you have to worry about so much as the living. The one group tries to get to the other group, and shenanigans occur. Thunder Levin (“Soulmates”, “American Warships”, “AE: Apocalypse Earth”) directs.

Ok, shoot that one, and that one, and that one. Ohh, and THAT one!

There is a lot of dumb stuff that happens in this film, too many to recownt here, and some pretty crappy acting as well – but some of the special effects were decent, and our reviewer enjoyed both the zombie/creature effects and some of the concepts behind them. The MooCow loves the scene where the leader of the African-American gang ( Tyshawn Bryant) hears his buddy cry out while they’re in the building, and recognizes him by name instantly, but then they have to walk blocks around to find him dying in the gutter. Way to project your voice! Continuity Monkey had his fuzzy paws full in this film!

Sooo, are you dudes zombies, or vampire, or zombie-vampires, or sex perverts, or what, tryin’ to figure shit out…

And the votes are in, and the IFC kids think this moovie is pretty stinky, although not as stinky as it cud have been. Ms. Kenzie gave the film a 9, while Ms. McKenzie gave it a solid 7; Moody split the scores, awarding the flick an 8, giving “Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood” a Stink Total of 24, and a Stink Average of 8 – that’s an odoriferous stinker!

:=8D

We got yer trailerage right HERE. You can buy a dvd copy on Amazon. And you can check it out on Tubi. DVD copies also pop up from time to time on EBAY. Worst comes to worst, you can always pick up a copy at Wally World. If yer a die hard fan, CafePress.com has a tee shirt, a hoodie, and a baseball cap with the logo of this film plastered all over it, to show the world your love of the film. Word.

Gimme dat nom-nom!!!

Well, if you want something at least slightly different from the usual zombie blaxpoitation hood films that are already out there (“Zombies in the Hood”, “Zombie Hood”, “Zombyz”), and yer into some C. Thomas Howell ridiculousness, then “Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood” is the stinker you want to git yer hooves on, most def!

:=8D

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Episode 59: The Brain from Planet Arous (1957)

An evil brain on a string wants power and women!!! :=8O

As they do, and earth’s only hope is John Agar (god help us), and a happy dog named George. This silly 50’s classic stinker features some seriously threadbare “special” effects that mayyyybe aren’t quite as cheap as the bubble machine in “Robot Monster”, but are pretty durn cheap and cheesy. Yes, Gor, the evil brain from Arous, wants to dominate the earth and get off with B-Actress Joyce Meadows. Unfortunately, in order to take over the earth, the bad brain must inhabit the “stupid body” of John Agar, and suffer through his atrocious over-acting. Most of the time, the bad brain is just an off-camera projection; you can tell because frequently you can see the background lights of the projector. In his “true form”, Gor is a large blob with eyes that never blink, automated by a pair of poorly concealed strings. Gor, when irritated, bumps into the actors when in this form. When in his projector form, Gor kills by turning on a small light on their faces.

While John Agar (“She Wore a Yellow Ribbon”, “Sands of Iwo Jima”) gives an-udder one of his overwrought performances, he’s balanced nicely by the rest of the cast, in particular the lovely Joyce Meadows (tv series “The Asphalt Jungle”, “Wagon Train”). Gor (hammily voiced by title designer Dale Tate) is as arrogant and smarmy a space villain as Dudley Mangrove’s character Eros in “Plan Nine from Outer Space”, which was released by Ed Wood two months earlier. Robert Fuller (“Teenage Thunder”, “Wagon Train”) rounds out the cast as Dan, the cave corpse who never degrades. Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe episode, featuring the series finale for Miss Lenore, and a return of original Cafe co-host Just Jenn!

Hi Joyce, turned on by my huge brain, are you?

Its a classic 50’s scifi stinker that is undermined by the low budget and odd directorial choices. Director Nathan Hertz (actually Nathan Juran, possibly hiding his name to avoid embarrassment) was a veteran director who he won an Oscar for Best Art Direction in 1942’s “How Green Was My Valley”, and actually directed several decent flicks (“The Deadly Mantis”, “The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad”) – but he also directed number of classic stinkers, including “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman”, “First Men on the Moon”, and “Jack the Giant Killer”. In a rare 1989 interview on Starlog Magazine #141, Juran said “I always did pictures for the money, and for the creative challenges. I wasn’t a born director. I was just a technician who could transfer the script from the page to the stage and could get it shot on schedule and on budget. I never became caught up in the “romance” of the movies”.
I guess that explains it…

Big, blobby brain-invaders aside, the plot is absurd, and has only the merest nodding acquaintance with reality. Dead bodies (Gor’s victims) never decompose or smell, even after a week in a 120 degree desert. Model planes on strings, desperately passed off for the real thing, explode and then strung bits hang suspended in mid-air. The Military, who cannot detect any residual radiation from the light blasts, immediately conclude that the earth is being invaded from outer space. When one extra remarks how fantastic that idea is, a general tells him that they are even now “considering an invasion of the moon”. ’Cause blowin’ shit up and invadin’ is what we do best, yo.

I better get a whole lotta Snausages for appearing in this dreck…

The grades were surprisingly decent from the Cafe kids this time – Lenore (who was clearly won over by George the Dog) awarded the film a relatively low 3.5, while Just Jenn went for a 5; the crusty old MooCow went for a 5.5, for a total Stink Score of 14, which is a Stink Average of 4.7. Not too shabby!

Check out the trailer on Youtube. You can also see the film for free there as well, and also on Vimeo. For those of you were prefer to have the physical medium you can get it from Amazon, Ebay, and even get the kewl moovie poster from MoviePoster.com , Original Vintage Movie Posters.com, and Walmart. Tee Public has the must-have tee shirt, while Redbubble has some classic dialogue from the moovie on a tee. Mixology Tees has a moovie mug you know you want, as does Tee Public. And for you moovie soundtrack lovers, mmmrecordings.com has it available for listening HERE. Svengoolie does a kewl medley too.

Beware my horrific BUMP ATTACK!!!

Well, for those of you who love silly, cheesy 50’s throwback scifi from a moore innocent era, then this might just be the flick for you. Just watch out for those floating brains on strings!
;=8)

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Episode 58: Arcade (1993)

Duuuuuude, we’re trapped inside a video game! What, again?? No, this is not Gamebox 1.0, which is, ummm….a moovie where we’re trapped inside a video game, no this is Arcade, also known as Cyber World, the 1993 Full Moon version, and that means a much higher budget and big stars! Well, not really, but it is an interesting mix of stink, low budget graphics, a really good cast, and udder fun stuff – so head over to Podbean and check out the latest Indie Film Cafe episode and hear what the Indie Film Kids have to say about this flick, this time joined by indie writer, producer, and actor Dustin Hubbard!

Oh no! It’s Actium Maximus! No, no, its just Arcade, the villain in Arcade, the film.

Alex (played by Megan Ward) has just lost her mother, who committed suicide, and her friends, Greg (Bryan Dattilo), Nick (Peter Billingsley) and Stilts (Seth Green) are trying to help her deal, which includes hanging out and playing games at the local gaming arcade called, weirdly enough, Dante’s Inferno (btw, the MooCow was an OG mid-80’s mall rat, and spent many a full moon at every arcade in the tri-state area, and none of them had names beyond Funland or Fun Zone, or simply Arcade). But there is a new game in town being test marketed, one which promises to be sooooo very much moore than any game anyone has ever played before – hawked by a creepy CEO named Difford (Star Trek’s John de Lancie) as the ultimate in virtual reality. Well hell, with that kind of carrot what teenager, full of coins and hopped up on Mountain Dew, isn’t gonna bite? And bite they do, and of course unfortunate shenanigans follow.

You’ll game your eye out! Wait, wrong moovie!

So, yeah, that’s the basic premise behind the film, somewhat underwritten by David S. Goyer (Demonic Toys, The Puppet Masters, Dark City), and capably directed by B-moovie vet Albert Pyun (The Sword and the Sorcerer, Kickboxer II, Dollman). The cast is great, and they really bring the rather flat story and characters to life in a way that pretty mooch saves the film, which is good because the equally flat graphics have certainly not aged well since 1993, and actually seem moore appropriate for games in the mid-80’s. Still, a lot of experienced hands went into the making of this film, and it shows, so its no wonder that Arcade has been cowsidered one of Full Moon’s moost popular titles from their extensive catalog. The writing cud certainly have used moore polish – character depth aside, a number of plots points (such as a little murdered kid’s brain cells to ‘fuel’ the virtual reality, which creates the main villain) seem half-baked and silly. But clearly Goyer would go on to bigger and better things, so perhaps he just had an off day. But even wearing its flaws on its sleeve, Arcade is still a pretty entertaining film.

I’m in every film in the 90’s. No, really, check. I’ll wait…

Well, the votes are in, and they range somewhat: Moody and Dustin Hubbard, big fans of the flick, gave scores of 2.5 and 1 respectively, while the crusty old MooCow chipped in with a score of 4.5. That gives Arcade a Stink Total of 8, and a Stink Average of 2.7, making Arcade one of the lowest scoring films of Season 3!

You can find the classic trailer for this film HERE, and the extended VHS trailer off of Trancers 3 HERE. Fans of the theme can here it HERE. Pick it up on dvd from Amazon, or go directly to Full Moon Features (when it in stock!) and get a copy from them. Crikey, you can get it on Aussie Ebay as well! And for you penny-pinchers out there you can check it out for free on Youtube (a low res version, with Spanish subtitles), at least until it gets pulled. Cowever the best way to get it might be Prime. Get the poster at the Movie Poster Shop, among udders.

The MooCow says if yer lookin’ for some cheesy nostalgic throwback fun, look no further than Full Moon’s Arcade – just be sure to bring plenty of quarters…
;=8)