Uncategorized

Episode 41: Vampire’s Kiss (1989)

vampireskiss7

Holy shnoiks!  Are the kids at Indie Film Cafe finally doing a Nic Cage moovie??  You bet we are!  And we’re doing his bestest, wildman, crazy, unhinged, and unCAGEd performance evahhh, with the wonderfully weird and somewhat stinky Vampire’s Kiss!  So buckle yer seatbelts, kiddos, and hang on because the latest EPISODE dives deep, deep, deep into Cage Country!

:=8D

vk1
Seen me before, have you?  now you know where I’m from!

Sooooo, yeah, Nic Cage plays Peter, a creepy, womanizing literary agent who gets bit by a bat and begins to think he is turning into a vampire – for realsies.  That means he is haunted by a sexy Jennifer Beals with fangs, starts to torment his milquetoast secretary Alva (played by the cutie pie Maria Conchito-Alonso, from “Colors”) , eats pigeons and cockroaches, and basically loses his shit in the moost batshit crazy operatic way possibleOver the top is a mild way of describing the man’s acting in this film.  Even so, Cage is mesmerizing – you literally have no clue what he is going to do next!

vk2
C’mon, at least you can’t say my acting was wooden in this one, there was so much at stake!

There is just a buffet of wackiness in this film that has to be seen and experienced to be believed, and almoost all of it cowming from the Cage man himself – although it mooost be said that Jennifer Beals does make for a sexy and dangerous vampire herself.  Unfortunately for Peter, he only thinks he is a vampire; the shots that Alva sends at him are only blanks, he does not burn in the sun light, his coffin is only an upside down couch, he drags around a pathetic splintered piece of wood for a stake, his reflection DOES show up in a mirror, and, worst of all, he resorts to wearing ridiculous, obvious plastic fangs because he has none of his own.  I mean, by the end of this film all you can really say is WOW!

Vampires-Kiss
Doctor…I’m really afraid that my fake teeth are clearly plastic…

Well, in spite of Hurricane Cage, the kids at Indie Film Cafe didn’t think the moovie overall was particularly stinky: Moody gave it a 5, the MooCow cow chipped in with a 5.5, while special guest Just Jenn gave it the nicest score with a 3.  While their scores did not cownt in the finally tally or average, guests Lenore and twin sister Yolanda scored 5 and 6 respectively.  That gives Vampire’s Kiss a final Stink Total of 13.5, and an Average Stink Score of 4.5.  Not too shabby!

score-1

As always, check out the trailer HERE.  Get yer hooves on a dvd copy at Amazon.  Or get it second-hoof at Ebay.  You can also find copies through Albris, FYE, and ElvisDVD.  There is a blu ray combo with the moovie High Spirits that is out of print, but you can get it at Target , Shout Factory ,  and Barnes & Noble.  The Tube of You has director Robert Bierman’s comments about the film, if yer dying to know those, and who isn’t?  You can find commentary about the film from the man himself, Nicholas Cage, HERE and HERE with none udder than Kevin Smith!     TeePublic has a fantastic tee shirt that fans of this flick simply mooooost have!  You can get it on a mug from them too!  Redbubble has a great tee too.  Get yer 27 x 40 poster from AMAZON.  Film School Rejects has a fun list of 47 things they learned from this moovie, and we’re sure they cud find 47 moore, if they looked harder.  AND, for cowpleatists, if you NEED a vegan iron-on adhesive embroidery Vampire’s Kiss patch, then Etsy has you covered.

tenor

We here at Indie Film Cafe know yer gonna love Vampire’s Kiss, so check it out, right in time fer COW-lloween!
:=8D

Uncategorized

Episode 40: Now You Know (2002)

nowuknow

Well, as some of you who know Moody and the MooCow know, we are big fans of anything from the Kevin Smith/View Askew universe, even projects only remootly cownnected – and NOW YOU KNOW that we just had to do Jeff Anderson‘s 2002 weird rom-com “Now You Know”!  Ok, there are no vampires, ninjas, or guys waddling around in rubber monster suits (moore’s the pity), but it does have appearances by Kevin Smith, his charming wife, and udders from the View Askew-verse, and it all comes from the brainchild birthed by none udder than Jeff Anderson (Randal in “Clerks) himself.  So check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe, and see what our thinkin’s are about this flick!

-Now-You-know-2002-paget-brewster-10047624-400-266
Get ready folks for loads of intense CHATTING!!!  but no monsters…

So, the story, in a nut shell, is about a dude named Jeremy (that would be “Six Feet Under”‘s Jeremy Sisto) in Vegas the eve of his bachelor party, he learns his fiancee – that would be Kerri, played by “Parks & Rec”‘s Rashida Jones, wants to call off the wedding, and he insists he has no idea why.  So, he returns to Jersey, digs up his old naerdowell friends (Jeff Anderson, as Gil, and Trevor Fehrman, as Biscuit), to sort things out, and, well, lets just say that there is a LOT of talking, some midnight furniture rearranging, a 13 year old boy who grabs some boobage, various shenanigans, and a whole lot of everything BUT sorting things out.  Because honestly, we’re not here to find out who marries who, but to spend time with some wacky characters and enjoy their torture and torment.

Now You Know (2002)
Someone take this flappin’ bowling ball off my hand!

Udders who show up in this film include the always-hot Paget Brewster, Heather Dunbrow, Earl Boen, Stuart Pankin, and Todd Babcock.  Its a fun little film with a great cast that nevertheless has a bit of a problem with length, focus, and just oodles and oodles of chatting, some of which is lots of fun, some of which is just sort of not.

043183_39
“Hey look, everyone runs over a tiny yapping dog with a lawnmower now and then…”

Not a bad little film for a change of pace from the usual stream of much we wade through.  Moody awarded the film a 4, while the MooCow gave a 5.5, and resident Science Expert Lenore gave it a 3, perhaps glad that there was no poorly presented science this time.  That means “Now You Know” has a total Stink Score of 12.5, and a Stink Average of 4.1.  Not too shabby!

score-1

Trailer is HERE.  And a fun little interview with Jeff Anderson and Kevin Smith about the moovie is HERE.  You can get a DVD copy pretty cheap these days from Amazon, and copies show up now and again on EbayBrightlights Books also has a copy.  Udder than that, there ain’t a whole lot out there about this film, so find a copy if you can.

-Now-You-Know-2002-paget-brewster-10047533-400-266
You don’t need a drink to enjoy this film, but it can’t hurt…

The kids at Indie Film Cafe say check out the 2002 rom-com “Now You Know”, and put yourself back into a View Askew frame of mind!

:=8)

Uncategorized

Episode 39A: GingerDead Man AGAIN!

Screenshot_2019-10-11 Gingerdead Man
Go ahead, poke my belly, see what happens!

Well, I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles, but we still have a couple of feeble flicks that Miss Lenore had yet to see and review, and since we NEED three scores for our Stinkometer there was just no escape.  Yes, poor Lenore had to endure an evil homicidal cookie played by Gary Busey – yet an-udder Full Moon classic!  Charles Band, you are the man!  Anycow, check out our mini-podcast and listen to Lenore moan and groan her way through this moovie and see if a second helping somecow managed to make the moovie better!

Gingerdead-Man-review-movie-film-comedy-horror-2005-1
People hate me ’cause I’m tastayyyyyy!

 

Uncategorized

Episode 39: Curse of Bigfoot

curse of bigfoot dvd8

“The Curse of Bigfoot” is a dull, hopeless mishmash of a moovie, cowbining pseudo-documentary scenes, boring stock footage, and fake teenage archaeologists, resulting in a low, dull, throbbing headache of a film. When the MooCow was just a calf in the sickening 70’s, this film played practically every Saturday on the Creature Double Features of years past. That makes it good for nostalgia, but wretchedly poor for entertainment, as the kids at Indie Film Cafe recently found out, to their chagrin – check out their latest PODCAST to discover just cow the heck they managed to survive this one!

cob3
Grrr, I’m a bigfoot…or an Indian mud mummy…or a thing…or…sumthin’

Basically, the story boils down to 3 separate boring and poorly-made entities, all vying woefully for our attention in the vain hopes that something even remotely interesting might take place. Part one is a scene in a ‘typical’ 70’s high school(where they teach courses on monsters in mythology??), where a group of pasty-faced, greasy-haired teens are treated to stern, melodramatic lecture on “real monsters” by an irksome little dork with Coke bottle glasses.

Part two is a horrendous cowbination of a fake documentary on Bigfoot (a la “The Legend of Boggy Creek”,only not nearly as good), and some of the moost boring stock footage of the logging industry you’re ever likely to witness. Seriously – if yer idea of fun is to watch endless minutes of logs rolling into the water, over and over again, this cow feels very, very sorry for you. The final part shows a group of teenage archaeologists, and their dopey teachers, who “excavate” a mummified (Indian?? Bigfoot?? Film Producer??) thingy, which revives somecow and runs amok and kills the local deputy dawg. The quick-thinking teens (who all apparently end up catatonic, or worse, at the end of the moovie, according to the spiteful dork lecturer at the beginning) douse the hairy whatsit with gasoline and set it on fire.

screen-shot-2011-09-14-at-11-19-42-pm
HELP!  They said this suit was flame retardant!

Egads, this was bad, I’m not gonna lie, folks.  Moody and the MooCow both held their noses and awarded 9.5s, while a shell-shocked Lenore chipped in with a 9, giving “Curse of Bigfoot” an overall Stink Score of 28, and a Stink Average of 9.3.  Yikes!

score-1

Well, we gotst the 1978 trailer for “Curse of Bigfoot” HERE.  It is in the public domain, which means you can check it out on the Tube of You HERE.  For those of you who need, need, need to have a physical copy in yer greedy little hooves (I’m right there with you), Uncle AMAZON has a number of copies, including a two-fer with “Cathy’s Curse”.  You can also find it on EBAY, WALMART, and BUSTBUY.  Git yer hooves on the fun RIFFTRAX version at their website.  Get the vintage-style poster for the moovie on EBAY; apparently on 7 are known to exist, so they are pricey.  There are no “Curse of Bigfoot” tee shirts that this cow can find (shame), but here at TeePublic you can find all sorts of shirts with the Big Hairy Guy which you can wear while viewing.

CurseOfBigfoot_Screen1
Yeah, this guy – see him?  Well, he’s NOT in this moovie…

The MooCow says, if pure, abject failure is what you’re after, look no farther than “Curse of Bigfoot”.  While it was made by and starred pretty much no one, one of the students was played by Jackey Neyman Jones, who also acted in the infamous Manos The Hands of Fate, and has appeared in the “Manos” follow-ups, including the new production by IFC buddy Johnny Johnson and Darkstone Entertainment!

 

Uncategorized

Episode 38: The Sinister Urge (1960)

sinisterheader

Smut!  Smut!!!  Dirty rotten stinking filthy SMUT!!!  its ruining our country , its despoiling our youth, its corrupting and undermining the very foundations of the state, and its all because of one grim, hard-boiled battle axe named GLORIA and her twisted, sleazy henchman Johnny!  Or so Ed Wood would have us believe.  Because honestly, slightly paunchy 50’s era ladies wearing bras, panties, stockings, garters, and full length night gowns, or even just swimming suits,  aren’t really particularly smutty, like not at all.  This is one of those wonderful Teenage Delinquent/Much Ado About Nothing-type over dramatizations of the era, and with Ed Wood’s ‘special’ flair (“Jail Bait”, “The Violent Years”, “Devil Girls”, etc) to boot.  Well, we here at Indie Film Cafe just cudn’t help ourselves, so we served up a heapin’ helpin’ of lame Ed Wood ridiculousness, along with resident Science Expert Lenore Miller AND special guest Gary Morgan, on our latest PODCAST.  Hear us moan and groan our way through this one!

0c470da8e636d970d700cbd789530e00
So…you crack open men’s skulls with those things?  Shoot, I need more booze…

Yes, so mildly ‘sexy’ pictures leads to teen delinquency, fighting, murder, and psychotic behavior – sounds like “Reefer Madness”, “Cocaine Fiends”, and dozens of udder heavy handed morality roadshow cheapies from the 30’s and 40’s, only updated to 1960 because James DeanJean Fontain plays Gloria Henderson, a  rusty battleship on two legs who runs the smut operation and demands to see them legs, “all the way up” (shudder!).  Fontain was apparently married to a wealthy husband, and only acted as a hobby – apart from this Ed Wood opus, she haunted a few French productions, including “Asterix and Cleopatra” and a 1960’s tv series called “L’éventail de Séville”, which presumably is French for “Please Go Away You Horrid Creature of Darkness”.

Assisting the Rusty Battleship in her endeavor is Johnny Ryde, played by Carl Anthony (“Plan Nine from Outer Space”, “Raw Force”), a smarmy, even-toned lush who ensnares innocent women looking to make it big as the next Hollywood discovery, and luring them into a trap of debt, booze, and skeezy pictures.  But Dino Fantini (“Return to Payton Place”), as Dirk Williams, rats out the crew, and also kills the models, because that’s what a true-blue employee would do.  Detectives Randy Stone, played by Wood alum Duke Moore (“Plan Nine from Outer Space”, “Night of the Ghouls”, “Take it Out in Trade”), and Matt Carson, played by udder Wood alum Kenne Duncan (“Astounding She-Monster”, “Night of the Ghouls”, and about 1000 cheapie westerns from the 20’s into the 50’s) finally figure stuff out and stops the operation.  Our old pal and stink moovie vet Harvey B. Dunn (“Teenagers from Outer Space”, “Night of the Ghouls”,  “Deadwood ’76” ) plays a grousing, chubby citizen, and good old Conrad Brooks (“Plan Nine from Outer Space”, “Glen or Glenda”, “Jail Bait”) gets beaten up by Ed Wood himself (who also plays a cop in drag!).

10360b09f5d54160ac425486cd62b0c7
Eeeeeek!  That IS a Sinister Urge!!!  :=8O

While a bit moore tedious and less fun than a regular Ed Wood moovie, nonetheless The Sinister Urge has many mooments of fun, and so the Stink Scores are modestly high:  Moody awarded an 8.5, Lenore an 8, and the MooCow gave a 7.5.  Guest Gaz Morgan offered up a 6.5, but since we can only use 3 reviews for our Stinkometer his won’t cownt in the final score, which is a 24, and a Stink average of 8.0.

score-1

Get yer trailer right HERE.  This is a toughie to find, as it is out of print and in the public domain.  DVD copies are PRICEY, and I doubt there will ever be a Blu Ray version – but who knows?  Sinister Cinema put out a dvd but it is out of print.  A scan of Amazon reveals only a pricey VHS version.  Rhino put out the MST3K version HERE, and it is currently the only version you can see on the Tube of You.  Interestingly, Rob Zombie named his second album after the moovie.  Get the kewl poster HERE.  And get a neat-o tee shirt HERE.

images (37)
Yeah, well, we tried….

The indie Film Cafe crew says definitely check out Ed Wood’s stinky classic The Sinister Urge, even if its only the Mystie version, and learn how you too can fight the forces of evil, non-pornographic smut before it turns YOU into a horrible monster!
:=8O