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Episode 28: Gamebox 1.0 (2004)

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Check it out, boys and girls, Charlie’s got a mysterious new game system, and boy i he in for one heck of a game!  From the writers who brought you Hey, Stop Stabbing Me!, and the directors of Dorm Daze and Transylmania comes this fun little indie about , going deep, deep, deep into the gaming world, quite literally!  Its a topic covered many times before, sometimes successfully (Arcade), udder times not so much (Nightmares), but this little gem stars Nate Richert and the lovely Danielle Fishel, and a bunch of pixily, monkey-hopping, demented ninja zombies.  The Indie Film Cafe folks yak it up on their latest podcast debating the pluses and minuses

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Who is a cutie?  Me??  Well, yeah, me…

So this is the epic story of cow Charlie (Richert) got his groove back by going into a decidedly dangerous video game that takes over his brain, saving the girl (Fishel), and being the first person to actually defeat the game by finishing it.  The game sinks its teeth into Charlie by populating itself with characters based on people from Charlie’s real life, including his sadly deceased girlfriend, Kate – hence the reason Charles is on a major bummer.  BUT, hold everything, because the game ALSO makes the main bad guy the cop who was responsible for Kate’s death, and things get very, very cowplicated.  But its not easy, and the game nearly kills Charlie several times, and only manages to defeat it with the help and influence of Princess (Kate’s clone).  Charlie beats his funk, finds a nice new girl suspiciously similar to Princess, and lives a happy life – while dropping a little surprise for the evil real life cop!

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Nerdy Charlie
Game Charlie
Cool Game Charlie

The game progresses from a grungy Grand Theft Auto-type universe to a weird hopping ninja-verse, to, I dunno, Walking Dead Wannabe World?  The graphics have not aged well, but fortunately the story is much better than the graphics, and the solid acting overall makes this one a fairly stink-free indie!  The MooCow gave a tiny 1.5 for his Stink Score, which is a record low!  Moody presented a 2, and special guest Joe Turek from Sick Flick Productions chipped in with a 2.5, giving Gmebow 1.0 a total Stink Score of 6, and an average stink of 2.0!  That’s pretty schweeeet!  :=8D
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As usual, we have trailerage right HERE.  And some kind soul made a sweet Charlie/Princess hair ballad video right HERE.  You can stream it or git yer hooves on a copy at AMAZON.  And apparently you can buy/stream it on Vudu, whatever the heck that it.  Directors Dave and Scott Hillenbrand do an interesting interview HERE for those who would like to know moore about the moovie.

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Owwwie, that’s gotta hurt!

So if you need a break from all the serious stinky flicks the Indie Film Cafe folks have been serving you up lately, then we promise you Gamebox 1.0 is a breath of fresh air that will make you smile.
:=8)

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Episode 27: Fungicide

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Holy Shit-akes!  Its a mob of malevolent mushrooms!!!  :=8O  If you thought Suburban Sasquatch was dangerous, wait ’til you see what those fun-guys at Troubled Moon Films has in store for the Indie Film Cafe folks in their latest PODCAST – and the morel of the story is to watch you back when there are mushroom involved!
:=8D

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These nasty ‘shrooms will gnaw yer pumpkin!

It all starts with a crazy doctor and his wacky formula; doc’s been working extra hard lately, so naturally his nice parents decide to set him up for a week in a nice vacation house out in the woods – little do they know that he will be bringing his fateful formula with him!  One spill later, and its mushroom munchies all over, as a gang of mushroom hand puppets, cgi mushrooms, and guys in sheets dressed as mushrooms, take on the whole gang!

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Get ready for some serious, non-stop stick clacking!

Writer/Producer/Editor/Director Dave Wascavage plays mooltiple roles on this film, as does his wife, the lovely Mary Wascavage, both of whom can be seen in Suburban Sasquatch.  So too can Dave Bonavita, the sheriff from Suburban Sasquatch, who plays a wrestler in Fungicide who needs a vacation to deal with his bad case of spontaneous combustion.  And, of course, Dave Weldon who played the furry-boobed beast plays the crazy Doctor Silas.  And while the acting is fun, clearly it is the puppets and cgi marvels that are the star of this show!  It all makes for a fun, wacky moovie that is hard to beat!  In fact, it really grows on you…
;=8)

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CGI mushrooms attack!  :=8O

Just Jenn is back!!!  Well, at least for this episode.  She, Moody, and the MooCow howled their way through the moovie, and very much enjoyed it – although the Stink scores are pretty high!  Just Jenn and the MooCow awarded 9’s, while Moody went all out and gave this flick a full 10, giving a total Stink Score of 28, and an average score of 9.3!

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Git yer Fungcide trailer right HERE!!!  You know you want to check it out!  Git yer hooves on a copy right from the source at Troubled Moon Films, or git it as part of the Drenched in Blood 4 moovie dvd pack from Amazon right HERE.  LISTEN to the haunting Fungicide theme song, sung by the lovely Mary Wascavage right HERE!!!

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Its Bitey the Mushroom!

Well, you don’t need magic shrooms to enjoy this mushroom moovie, but it helps.  Check it out!
:=8D

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Episode 26: Gingerdead Man

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Ahem.  Gary Busy plays an evil psychopathic cookie who tries to kill people and slings bad puns.  This statement alone is reason enough to check out this fun, classic stinker from those wacky folks at Full Moon Video – although when you add in the always wonderful, glorious, and immensely beautiful and talented Robin Sydney, its pretty mooch a slam cookie dunk!  Check out our latest PODCAST to see what the Indie Film Cafe folks had to say about this tasty treat!
:=8D

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Hey, keep yer hands outta my cookie jar, or I’ll slice ’em off!

So, evil, dopey, mom-besotted Millard Findlemeyer (Busey) robs a cafe and kills Sarah Leigh (Sydney)’s family, because why not, but gets caught and is sent to the electric chair (even though in Texas its lethal injection only – details, details…), and his mother decides to send her sons ashes to Sarah’s bakery disguised as “Grandmas Gingerbread Spice Mix”, where they get baked into s vat of cookie dough – add in a little blood from the worst named wrestler in history (The Bucher-Baker!!???!!), and some electricity, and whammo-bammo, we’ve got one crummy little cookie running around causing havoc.  Soon, the Busey-Cookie is terrorizing Sarah and her bakery buddies, chops her mother’s finger off, threatens a cute little rat, carves up evil Miss Prettyface whose father he crushes with a car, and nearly gives Hot Topic Boyfriend a run for his money – eventually he gets eaten by the Butcher-Baker, possessed him, and gets put into the oven for the final solution.  Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles, we just can’t help it….

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Its Miss Prettyface, Not Miss Stabbyface!!!

While it drags in places, any film with an evil cookie is right up our dark scary alley, and Charles Band knows how to milk all the sugar out of this pesky pastry.  Moody gave the film a 6.0 on the Stinkometer, while the MooCow chocolate chipped in a score of 5.0 – that gives this flick a total Stink Score of 11, and a Stinky Average of 5.5 – not too shabby!

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Need a cookie sampler?  Check out the trailer HERE.  Buy it direct from Full Moon with the rest of your snacks right HERE.  You can buy the moovie from Amazon HERE, or go baker’s dozen and get the Gingerdead Man trilogy box set right HERE!  And for you sick little monkeys who want, need, and desire an 8″ resin stature of the evil cookie himself, in all his sweet gingery glory, you need to go HERE.  YOU need the French poster – yes you do, get it HERE.  And lastly, there is a Gingerdead Man comic, because of course there is – check it out HERE.

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The REAL Miss Prettyface…

Well, if there is no room in yer life for a killer cookie moovie, I dunno what hope there is for you.  But if there is, then don’t be a cream puff, slap down a little dough and check out this comedic cookie caper while the sheet is still hot!

;=8)

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Episode 25: Hard Rock Zombies

hrz cover

Much like the brainless, shambling monsters it portrays, Hard Rock Zombies is itself a zombie, a moldering, unthinking, decaying pile of crappitude that moves only on the illogical whims of  a dead brain it cannot understand.  Nazi’s, werewolves, midgets, zombies, 80’s montages, and  hairspray-n-spandex cheese metal music all come together in one unholy vomitus of epic 80’s proportions that has to be beheld to be believed.  The film, an early form of metalsploitation, features Phil Fondacaro as an evil hand-loving midget, E.J. Curse as the creepy paedo-singer Jesse who will not stay dead, Sam Mann (from Roller Blade!) as a drummer who never drums, Jennifer Coe as the large-haired zygote Cassie, for whom all the creepy songs are sung for, and not really much else.  Oh sure, there are werewolves and Hitler and a town channeling Footloose, but then there was a lot of cocaine snorted in the 80’s, and the MooCow is certain that had a lot to do with the ‘plot’, as it is.  The kids at Indie Film Cafe tried really, really hard to survive this debacle, as you can see in their podcast, but it was close, folks…

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NEED MOAR LIPSTICK!

The moans of pain and woe emanating from the Indie Film Cafe studio during the viewing of this nightmare were truly horrific, from the inexplicable zombie logic to the unbelievable desire on the film makers’ part to torture their audience by forcing them to listen to entire tracks of the lamest, moost nauseating cheesy fake hair metal ever created.  Just watching these idiots walking like zombies is an exercise in brain cell destruction worthy of the hardest liquor.  Hell, just being forced to watch 95 year old Hitler schtupp Nazi Grandma werewolf in front of the evil midgets is enough to send any sane person to the funny farm for a permanent vacation – but that’s why we’re here folks, in our incredibly brave and selfless lives, watching ridiculous, excessive crap like this so you don’t have to.  Trust the MooCow: 5 minutes after watching this you’ll want to emulate our fake midget friend below and try suicide by self-consumption.

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Hay, I taste just like chicken!

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER!!!  :=8O

We’re not gonna lie, folks, this one was rough.  Creepy, stupid, grotesque, and vile, you’ll need at least 37 showers to wash off all the snot, slime, piss, and puss after this one.  An easy 10 for the MooCow; Moody awarded it a 9.5, while guest reviewer James gave it a 9.0, ’cause he has a soft spot for cheese metal (bleaghhhh!).  That gives Hard Rock Zombies a Stinky Average score of 9.5 – and we’re not even a sixth of the way through the second season yet!!!

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If you must, check out the trailer HERE.  God help me, you can find this crap on the Tube of You, if you really must.  And for those of you serious hard-core crazies, here is the horrible, horrible SOUNDTRACK.  For those of you who are dying to add it to your crap cowllection, good luck, it is happily out of print, but you can always find someone selling it way overpriced on Amazon.  Setting yer moolah on fire would be a better use of your hard earned weregeld.  For the truly insane, git your album and cassette versions of the stinky soundtrack HERE.  And because we know you want to sing the vomit-inducing ballad “Cassie” over and over again, here are the mid-numbing LYRICS. And for you guitar players, here are the CHORDS.   And finally, if yer thinking about raising the dead with a copy of the lame 2 chord ‘resurrection moosic’, we’ve thoughtfully provided that for you too HERE.

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Well, we’re not sure things can get much worse here at Indie Film Cafe, but if the MooCow can find something ever moore horrible, you can bet he will share it with the world!

:=8D

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I can’t wait until I finally turn 12 so I can marry Jessie!
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Episode 24: The Karaoke Kid

LBP

Welcome, my friends, back to the Seaververse, where we al well and truly belong.  Yep, Indie Film Cafe is back with an-udder Low Budget Pictures joint up in yer grill, and while there is no Teen Ape, Mulva, or even a Bonejack to be had there is still the man himself, Chris Seaver, and that, my friends, means wacky shenanigans of the moost cromulent kind.  Young, erstwhile AJ Stubbone (Sean Green) mooves to Wellsville and meets the snuggly Becky Nippleton (Heather Maxon), and is forced to fight a MULLET-WEARING KARAOKE BULLY (as you do) named Ricky the Gooch (Johnny Lawrence), but only after he becomes the titular character, with a little help from the Teen Ape guy (Casey Bowker) and John Stamos.  And its as ridiculous and fun and over the top and full of potty humor as you might expect from the Seaverage.  Check out Indie Film Cafe’s second podcast episode of Season 2 to hear our thoughts!

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BEWARE THE RAGING MULLET!!!

This one is tough to find, friends, because, as it is about karaoke, and therefore full of cheesy moosic, LBP made the flick in 2005 without securing the rights to said moosic (because, you know, monies…), and so it was never released – in fact, its not even on Seaver’s IMDB page, its as though it never existed!  But the MooCow is here to tell you that this flick does indeed exist, and if yer really lucky you might be able to get a copy from the man himself, Chris Seaver, ’cause that’s about the only way you’ll see this silly 80’s parody.  Shame, because for those of you familiar with the Seaververse (and you all should be), this is kind of a watershed film for LBP as it is the first major lead roles for Green and Maxon, PLUS early roles for LBP regulars Jesse Ames and Josh Suire – in fact, this is ol’ Toblerone’s first moovie!  But be prepared, kids, there is an awful lot of Hall & Oats…  :=8P

 

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Yeah, there is just whey too much singing…

To be honest, both of us have enjoyed other Chris Seaver moovies a bit moore than Karaoke Kid – but if you are a cowpletist, like us, you’ll wanna check it out anyway because it is ultimately worth it.  Besides, it has Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman in it too!  The MooCow awarded the moovie a solid 6.5, while Moody gave it a 7.0, for a total stink score of 13.5.

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Well, for a moovie as rare as this yer not gonna find much out there by way of trailers – cowever, the wily MooCow did manage to find THIS on the Tube of You.  And we wish we cud bring you linkage to where you cud git yer hooves on a copy for your very own, but it ain’t gonna happen, kids, not for all the Teen Ape masks in Rochester.  But check out Seaver’s latest YouTube vids and grab some of his kewl Warlock Home Video moovies, they are totally worth it.

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You should be so lucky to see this wacky film!