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Episode 70: Sledgehammers at Dawn (2013)

Not the actual Box cover but we’ll provide one if we ever find it!

Welcome to Season 4 of Indie Film Cafe, cats and kitties! And today we have a hard-hitting comedy of terrors brought to you by Josh (AKA Worm) Miller and Patrick Casey, those lovable lugs who brought he world Dorm Daze, Sonic the Hedgehog, and, moost of all, Hey…Stop Stabbing Me, which we reviewed in Season 1, and Gamebox 1.0, which we did in Season 2! So you know yer in for a world of wacky fun! Check out the latest episode with Moody, the MooCow, and fresh victim – errr, co-host, Paige Brooks (who somecow managed to survive the Curse of the Mummy Cat, AND come back for moore!), as they talk about this fun, silly film!

There’s gonna be lots of sledgehammer pics, aren’t there? Uhhh, yeah…

Welcome to the Forsaken Zone, also known as Rural Minnesota, which has broken away from the US to become a sovereign nation where all the crazies are kept because one in four of them turn out to be sort of…funny. In the head. And they like to kill folks – and, umm, that’s not even the cannibals. Poor Frank (Patrick Casey) – he left the Zone for LA, but has been pulled back because his father, the King (Jerome Casey), has died, and there is a kerfluffle going on about who is next in line to rule the Forsaken Zone with a firm sledgehammer. Machinations a la Game of Thrones is surely afoot, and pits brother against brother over who will rule the land, fight the cannibals, and win the lovely hand of Mug (Sarah K. Bizek), the adorable sex-trained handmaiden who can only say “Mug”. Ohh, and watch our for Hell Holes! We did warn you that this film was silly… ;=8)

Snow + Sledgehammers = Minnesota

Well, our third Miller/Casey film was almoost as good as our first two – wacky and fast-paced, the IFC kids enjoyed Sledgehammers at Dawn, with Moody awarding the film a 2.5, the MooCow went with a 3.5, and Paige went with a 4, giving Sledgehammers at Dawn a total Stink Score of 10, and a Stink Average of 3.3. We’re starting off the season on the right hoof!

Well, this is normally the spot where we put in links fer trailers, merch, and places to by the film on either DVD, Blu Ray, or good ol’ VHS – but as this flick is pretty mooch out of print, and can;t be bought anywhere that we know of, we gots nuthin for ya. The production company which made the film, Amazing Schlock Films, does have a website, and there is some info about the moovie, but just about all the links about where to get it are sadly out of date. COWEVER, word has it that the boys are working on getting a proper Blu Ray release of this (and also Hey…Stop Stabbing Me!) in the near future – and when that happens, we will update this review so you can git yer hooves on a copy, ’cause you needs one!

MOAR Sledgehammers! :=8O

All in all, this was a pretty low key, low stink way of opening up Season 4 here at Indie Film Cafe – bet that won’t last too long! Come see what weirdness follow in our next exciting episode!
:=8D

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Episode 69: Curse of the Mummy Cat (2018ish)

Well, it happened at last, kids, we made it all the way to the end of Season 3, and we’re going out with a BANG with a little visit to Roanoke, Virginia for a little flick called Curse of the Mummy Cat, and boy howdy this is truly…something. For this special season 3 finale we have Moody and the MooCow, and they re joined by original Co-Host Just Jenn (the MooCow always saves up something special for her!) – and they’re joined by a new victim…errr, guest Co-Host, Ms. Paige Brooks! Can she survive the Curse of the Mummy Cat – heck, can anyone?? Tune into our newest and possibly greatest PODCAST EPISODE and find out! :=8D

Ummmm…what the heck is dis??

Well, it turns out in the old, old west, a farmer named Tucanbandman (because he bangs a couple of cans for pennies) gets murdereded, and is mummified, along with his faithful pussycat Don Gato, and they stick him in a chicken shack that is passing for an Atec pyramid; some would-be archaeologists disturb his sleep, and then the Tucanbandman mummy rages all over Roanoke in the best stop-motion/claymation tradition, meow meow meow! There is a Man With No Name bounty hunter, three lawnmower-riding banditos who cannot die, a Spanish witch, cowplete with flapping rubber bats and loads and loads of blood squibs, poor cgi fx, silly songs, and just out and out fun! Director Charles B. Cullen, you are a maniac and a genius, and you just go on being you, good Sir!

Nothing captures the Old West like banditos on lawn mowers…

Just an amazing film, we were all amazed by it. I mean, what an you expect from a man who’s creative genius knows no bounds, as evidence with this huge, cat-chy pop song from back in the day: Young Gay Monkey on Roller Skates. The man knows cow to entertain, full stop. And he is ably assisted by his troupe of actors, tech crew, and musicians, many of which have been part of the Cullenverse for a long, long time. While the udder kids at Indie Film Cafe might shake their heads sadly at Curse of the Mummy Cat, the MooCow gets you, good Sir, and is behind you 100%! The world needs moore Mummy Cat, that mooch is crystal clear.

The Man with No Name is Taking Aim at YOU!

There was some truly heart-wrenching suffering while watching this film; the sighs and sobs cowming from some in this podcast cud make a stone weep. But they pulled themselves together and rendered a final verdict: everyone gave Curse of the Mummy Cat a deserved 10. Well, everyone except Paige, that is. Poor, innocent flower, even with all the pain and suffering she endured, she had enough hope inside to give this flick a 9.5, so cowfident she was that there are worse things in store for her – and there are! With Just Jenn, Paige, and the MooCow’s scoring the film 10’s and 9.5, the total Stink Score is 29.5, good for a Stink Average of 9.8. On the Ladder of Stink, that places Curse of the Mummy Cat below all the 30 rated stinkers, and just a shade above Actium Maximus. Worse than Actium Maximus, whoda thunk it??

Check out the trailer right HERE. Git yer hooves on a dvd copy from Uncle Amazon. Or Best Buy. Even BooksaMillion. You can find it on Ebay as well. Or, head over to Charles Cullen’s website and get it from the man himself. There you can find art, trailers, and order up yerself a copy, AND find out all kinds of great stuff that is part of the amazing Cullenverse, a place the MooCow would gladly reside. And while there is all kinds of mummy merch out there, sadly there isn’t anything for Curse of the Mummy Cat, a situation which moost be remedied! Hopfully with moore folks demanding this moovie word will get out and this wonderful flcik will take its place among the great cinematic masterpieces of American film. Meow meow meow!

Oh yes, I will rock your world!

See you for Season 4 of Indie Film Cafe real soon!
:=8D

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Episode 68: Bride of the Monster (1955)

Ok kiddies, its time to tamper in God’s domain once again here at Indie Film Cafe, and that can only mean one thing: good ol’ Ed Wood!!! :=8D Yes, we’ve gone back to the wacky world of Edward D. Wood, Jr. for a lovable B&W horror stinker that is chock full of schlock! And its brimming over with Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson, and moore bad octopus stock footage than you can shake a stick at – all this, AND the first appearance of Kelton the Cop too? Stay tuned to check out the LATEST EPISODE, where Moody, the MooCow, and special guest Rebecca Rinehart (on loan from In the Mic of Madness, SOBs Who Love SOV, & Sexploitatin Sleazecast) hoot an howl their way through this Ed Wood classic cheeser!

Tor find, Tor keep, Tor love and pet and squeeze!

So it turns out there are some straaaaaange things a-happenin’ up at the old Willow’s place: hunters are gettin’ et, there’s a mysterious doctor with a dark past, and with his mute, angora-petting, balding assistant, and a bunch of bad actors who manage to star in a film because they or their family financed it! The cops, including a police Captain with his lovable pet parakeet, send rank amateur Tony McCoy up to investigate after rank amateur reporter Loretta King disappears. In between, Kelton the cop schmoozes his way into film legend. There is some drama, a pissed-off Dolores Fuller, some fisticuffs, a mishmash of octopus stock footage and a non-functioning octopus marionette, and hey presto! Ed Wood gold!
:=8D

So here’s the Bride…but which Monster will she marry?

This moovie is such weird, goofy fun, a classic stinker that cowbines low, low budget, bad acting, a poor script, cheap sets, and an innocent yearning by the director to make a throwback horror flick from the 30’s and 40’s, at least a decade too late. Ol’ Bela is actually pretty good, and his famous dramatic mooments come in this flick – you can pretty much always count on Bela Lugosi to class up a moovie, even one as stinky as as what Ed Wood cud cowcoct. Newbie McCoy and Wood vet Harvey B. Dunn are both solid as well, although the rest of the cast is either hammy or uncowvincing. And Ed Wood’s dialog? Well, we KNOW what you said, but we didn’t hear you.
;=8)

Yessssss…come to Bela….

Well, the votes are in! Both Moody and the MooCow awarded 8’s to this classic schlocker from Ed Wood. Ms. Rebecca was a little kinder, having seen much worse junk in her time – and can believe her! She went with a 5, giving Bride of the Monster a total Stink Score of 21, which is a Stink Average of 7.0. On the IFC Ladder of Stink, Bride of the Monster is tied with The Giant Claw at 21, just udder Grizzly Rage, and just above an-udder Ed Wood classic, Night of the Ghouls! Its probably Ed Wood’s best moovie, although that’s honestly not saying very, well, much…

Trailers can be found HERE; watch the moovie for free on the Tube of You. Its on Vimeo too. You can also check out the hi-larious MST3K version there too! To git yer hot little hooves on a DVD or VHS copy, head on over to Uncle Amazon to slack thy Ed Wood thirst! You can get the Mystie version there too, or head over to Shout Factory and get the dvd bundled with 3 udder stinkers! You can also get Howard Shore’s reinterpretation of the Bride of the Monster Theme, which was featured in the moovie Ed Wood. Get the classic poster from Amazon, or an original lobby card from Ebay! And if you REALLY have some dough to waste check out this original 1956 signed POSTER, which includes an autograph from Conrad Brooks and William Benedict! Redbubble has the classic poster on a kewl tee shirt, as does Teepublic, and fancy Brit store Poison Clothing has a great black ladies-cut tee! And who wouldn’t want to sip their moorning java out of a kewl Bride of the Monster coffee mug? Wanna nifty paperback book with all the inside Ed Wood scoop on BOTM? Check it out HERE!

Really, Bela, you’d have made a great photographer, the way you ENLARGE everything…

So if yer lookin’ for a classic stinker with all that tasty, tasty Ed Wood flavor, you needs to give Bride of the Monster a go! Before Bela tosses a fit…
;=8)

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Episode 67: Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)

Oh no! Its Attack of the Bitey Puppets!!!
:=8O

Yes, the kids at Indie Film Cafe have hopped into their Way Back machine yet again, this time to ye olde 1985, for a mid-eighties crappy lil’ monster stinker called Attack of the Beast Creatures, AKA Hell Island, and this is one little stinker you don’t want to miss! So what would YOU do if your 1920’s Titanic cosplay group landed on a fake ‘island’, only to be swarmed upon and bitten cowstantly by a mob of toothy, biting puppets with no irises? Aside from laugh, I mean? ;=8) Well, Moody, the MooCow, and special guest host Ri-Maku (marking her maiden voyage upon the stinky waters of Indie Film Cafe!) watch in disbelief in our latest EPISODE!

We so hungwy NOM NOM NOM!!!

Some backstory: this is a moovie made by a troupe of amateurs from Cownecticut who had a nice idea about a guy getting his face burned off with acid (as you do…), who decided to expand this story into…well, this raging epic puppet monster flick. I mean, for those of you who can recall, the eighties was simply awash with stinky monster puppet flicks of various kinds and quality, including Munchies, Critters, Ghoulies, Beasties, etc., all the way down the evolutionary chain into the slimy mucky dreggy bottoms with Hobgoblins – all thanks to the success of Joe Dante’s Gremlins, who showed in 1984 that stupid little puppet critter moovies cud make a fortune off of the Regan-era moovie-going public, who were moore than willing to toss their moolah at anything on screen. And so every budding hack with a camera and a raggedy sock puppet started to churn ’em out like rancid butter, and Director/Producer Michael Stanley said “hold my beer, gimme a try!” And the rest was puppet history!

BITE BITE BITE!!!

So what exactly ARE these Beast Creatures? I mean, aside from bitey puppets? Well, they have weird eyes – which might make sense if they were nocturnal and cudn’t see in the light of day, but no, they attack when the sun is out too. And they wear little…loincloths, presumably to cover their little…bits and pieces. Or hands, its hard to tell. They have no tool-making ability and carry no weapons, but they dig pit traps with sharpened spikes and worship a carved stone idol. Its a weird society: every member seems to be the same thing, a creature that bites everything that mooves, sort of like a mean-spirited Chihuahua.

We Bite! We Bite!

And man-o-schewitz, do they bite! That’s pretty mooch the plot in a nutshell: buncha lost human jerky get bit until moost of ’em die. Oh, and did I mention the island is also riddled with pools of flesh-melting acid? You get some serious high school biology class articulated skeleton action here. And when these things run, they are…amazing.

Ok, its better to get bit…

Well, the votes are in , and the Indie Film Cafe kids managed to endure the biting stink off of this one! Yer old pal the MooCow went with a 8.5, while Moody chipped in with an 8, while poor Ri-Maku, enduring her first IFC flick, went with a 7 – that gives Attack of the Bitey Puppets…errrr, Beast Creatures, a total Stink Score of 23.5, and a Stink Average of 7.8! On the Ladder of Stink, this mangy muppet moovie sits just udder the likes of Baby Ghost and the Sinister Urge, and ties with the Creeping Terror and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers! Pretty stinky stuff, but not nearly Neil Breen territory. Oh Neil, PLEEEEASE make a puppet moovie!!! ;=8)

Check out the trailerage on YOUTUBE. There is a nifty fan edit too. In fact, the whole flick is on Youtube as well. Dis is a notoriously hard-to-find flick; it was never released on DVD (!!!), and VHS copies are rare and expensive, even when they do pop up on Uncle Amazon. But trust us, if you come across a copy of this flick you need to git yer hooves on it! Someday, if there is justice in the universe, this moovie will have a proper DVD or Blu Ray release. In the meantime, you can cowsole yerself with one of these kewl posters.

I think he finally got the point. Hehhh…

Well, if yer looking for a fun, bat shit crazy bitey puppet moovie (and who isn’t?), we here at Indie Film Cafe heartily recowmend this beastly Beast Creature moovie! Just bring a pokey stick or something so you can fight back, just a bit…

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Episode 66: White Wolves: A Cry in the Wild 2 (1993)

A bunch of 20-something teenagers go on a hike; they bicker and argue and are full of standard teen angst. Mr. B. falls down a cliff, and the teens are forced to put their differences aside and work together to get his dumb ass out. Sadly, no one is eaten by a bear. That smokey, putrid smell you detect is the MooCow roasting in hell as he viewed this early 90’s talky teeny melodrama, based on a series of fetid teeny adventure novels the likes of which the MooCow would sooner eat broken glass than read. Indie Film Cafe’s Jonathan Moody is joined by John Ward and Dustin Hubbard on this latest EPISODE, but the MooCow is pretty sure this flick is payback for Actium Maximus
:=8/

I know I’m in the title, but don’t expect me to do much in this flick…

Things and stuff kind of happen. These are the whitest ‘teenagers’ on the planet. There is some lovely scenery. Again, no one is eaten by a bear. Mr. B. and the teens actually sing songs about the power of love while they hike, and the MooCow is writhing in agony. Apparently there is a series of these things: this one stars Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Saved By the Bell) as Scott, Amy O’Neill (Honey I shrunk the Kids) as a sweetie named Panda…errr, Pandra, Ami Dolenz (Monkey daughter) as the powerbar-eating Cara, David Moscow (Big) as Adam, and Marc Riffon (Sliders) as Benny, the Surly Teen from the Wrong Side of the Tracks Who is Misudderstood. Mr. B. is sincerely played by Matt McCoy (Police Academy 5&6, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, LA. Confidential). The flick is produced by Julie Corman, stink moovie maven Roger Corman’s wife, and is directed by Catherine Cyran, who wrote and directed a pile of teeny made-for-tv indoor bullstuff. The legendary Corman lack of fundage is apparent throughout, but Director Cyran wisely allows the free scenery to be the real star of the moovie.

Mr. B. fall down, go boom! Well, at least there are no bears to eat him…

Well, it appears that the Indie Film Cafe kids loved this film – they thought it was fun and interesting and had no problem with the lack of plot, conflict, or man-eating bears. Moody, Ward, and Hubbard were unanimous in awarding this moovie 3’s all around, giving White Wolves: A Cry in the Wilderness 2 a total Stink Score of 9, and a Stinky average of 3.0. The MooCow is still crumpled in a fetal position, glad not to vote on this one.

This thing is on Youtube, both the trailer and the full moovie, if you dare. For those of you who want a physical copy, Uncle Amazon has both the dvd and vhs version. And you can get a cheapie dvd at FYE. And if yer a real glutton for punishment you can get the entire 4 film series HERE on dvd! It also comes in a triple dvd set too. A moovie poster can be had HERE for only a few bucks. The Hatchet book series these flicks were inspired by can be found HERE.

Well, it ain’t the MooCow’s cup of tea, fo’ sho’, but if yer looking for a mild, family-friendly teen moovie with some great scenery, and a few 90’s names, then White Wolves: A Cry in the Wilderness 2 just might be packin’ what yer lookin’ for.
:=8)