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Episode 34 B – Karaoke Kid Redux

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Welcome to Part II of Operation Catch Miss Lenore Up by showing her stinkers from earlier in the season, and this time we showed her Chris Seaver’s Karaoke Kid – her first Chris Seaver moovie!  Annnnnd she was not generally impressed – not nearly as stinky as Actium Maximus, but also not nearly as memorable, and therefore rated as a 6.5.  Check out what she has to say on our latest podcast HERE.  I am sure there will be moore Christ Seaver shenanigans in the future for Lenore!
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Episode 34 A – Actium Maximus Redux

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Well, as Doc says in Todd Sheet’s classic Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City, here we go again!  Yep, while Mr. Moody is a busy bovine we decided it was time we got one of our favorite guest reviewers, Ms. Lenore Miller, our astronaut and science expert caught up on some of the moovies she missed, and to kill two birds with one heavy rock like object, we decided to show her ones which only had 2 reviews – this way we can have all the moovie scored with 3 reviewers, and make the Stink Scores moore even.

And soooo, without further ado, we find ourselves back at possibly the worst moovie if Season 2 thus far – heck, we figure might as well start at the bottom and work our way up.  I’d say it can;t get much worse than this, but long-time Indie Film Cafe listeners know that is never the case.  Anyhoo, poor Lenore was subjected to this bewildering mish-mash of a moovie, and actually enjoyed it, while clearly recognizing its distinct stinky bouquet.  Check out her observations (and the MooCow’s!) on our latest podcast HERE.

Here’s a hint, folks: it hasn’t gotten any better….
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Episode 33: The Giant Claw (1957)

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If the Bird is the Word, then the Word is STINKY!
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This terrible monster bird moovie is fun on many levels – the moost obvious is the lame, fake-looking bird puppet which floats around the cheap sets, without ever flapping it wings (like it was on a string, perhaps?), attacking model trains and toy cars.  Apparently the ridiculous bird puppet comes from “some god-forsaken anti-matter universe”, and it’s here to build a nest & lay eggs in New York City.  Seriously.  Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe PODCAST to hear us moan and groan and put up a squawk, ’cause this turkey is really bird-brained…

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RAWWWWK RAWWWWK RAWWWWWWWK!!!!!

Well, they try to kill it but, alas, the big bird is too tough and all the planes are destroyed.  So its up to doughty flyboy Jeff Morrow and cute math wiz in a skirt, Mara Corday, to say the day with their rear-end firing masonic atom gun.  One of the last films from prolific B moovie veteran Fred F. Sears (Don’t Knock the Rock, Durango Kid, The Werewolf) before he died, The Giant Claw laid a box office egg and was notoriously laughed out of the theaters.

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This pile of junk is all we need to kill the big squawking bird…you can believe me because I have a pencil

Special guest host Lenore Miller is a scientist who is interning for NASA, and she joined us for our huge flapping disaster of a flick.  Moody and the MooCow scored it 8’s, while Ms. Lenore chimed in with a 5 – That give us an overall Stink Score of 21, and a stinky average of 7.0 – a veritable  bounty of 50’s stink – and hay, it was better than Snow Shark!

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Check out the loud and annoying trailer HERE.  Someone posted the blu ray copy on YOUTUBE, god bless them.  Add the dvd to your stinky moovie flock from AMAZON.  Or get it as part of a 4-pack Sci-Fi Creature Classics pack HERE.  The German blu ray can be found here.  2 awesome posters can be found at THIS SITE – the MooCow wants them both!

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Ohhh I’m so homely…

We shot the film before we ever got a look at this monster that was supposed to be so terrifying. The producers promised us that the special effects would be first class. The director – Fred Sears – just told us, ‘All right, now you see the bird up there, and you’re scared to death! Use your imagination.’ But the first time we actually got to see it was the night of the premiere. The audience couldn’t stop laughing. We were up there on screen looking like idiots, treating this silly buzzard like it was the scariest thing in the world. We felt cheated, that’s for sure, but they told us afterward that they just ran out of money. They couldn’t afford anything but this stupid puppet. But it was just terrible. I was never so embarrassed in my whole life.” – Jeff Morrow, in an interview prior to his death in 1993.

The Angry Video Game Nerd rated the bird puppet monster as his favorite giant movie monster of all time.  So there’s that.  But we here at IFC say check it out!

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Episode 32: No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

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Crawling out of the dark, jingoistic Regan years is this mootivational MMA cum-American flag orgasm known to all as No Retreat, No Surrender, and if ever a message of bold defiance was sent to those nasty commie Rooskies, cowplete with cheesy 80’s hair metal AND a plethora of training montages, this was it!  Starring a very young Kurt McKinney (The Guiding Light) in his first ever role, and featuring the Muscles from Brussels himself, Jean-Claude van Damme (also his first significant feature), this cheesy 80’s relic is long on the brawn, and somewhat short on the writing, story, and verisimilitude.  And the horrific, nightmare-inducing rap and break dancing scenes by Token Black Sidekick RJ almoost qualifies this film as a horror moovie, but in reality it is a brie-filled martial arts actioner all the way.  Se what Indie Film Cafe , along with special guest Joe Turek, has to say about it on their latest PODCAST!

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GRRRR!! Fear me, soft American fools, for I am Ivan!  I mean Karl!  Would you settle for Boris??

Cheese aside, this Corey Yuen flick pulled in a modest 5 million bucks in the box office – peanuts cowpared the earlier 80’s action moovies it ripped off (such as Karate Kid), but a princely sum for an indie.  Yuen came from the Hong Kong chop-socky scene where he honed his craft as an actor, director, and stunt man, and clearly he and Martial Arts Coordinator Hoi Meng know cow to film in the classic Hong Kong style – ok, it may not be a Shaw Brothers production, but NRNS clearly has one foot in America and one in Hong Kong.  The fight scenes are very well choreographed, and the action is definitely fun and over the top – the problems come when the fists and feet aren’t flying, and we have to suffer though these characters as people. No matter cow silly.

Fortunately, Bruce Lee’s ghost (Kim Tai-Chong, clearly an actor who doesn’t look like him) teaches Jason cow to fight and be a man, and he is able to beat the irredeemably and one-dimentionally evil Karl/Ivan, and thus save America’s pride.  All this mindless rah-rah nationalism is typical of many action flicks of the era, and they all look seriously dated and cringe-worthy.  Tai-Chong was also a veteran of many Chinese Martial Arts films in the 70’s (such as Game of Death 1 & 2), but this was his final role before he returned home to Korea.

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Greetings, I am the ghost of Bruce Lee, and I am full of deep Asian wisdom and pithy anecdotes.  Now kick that bag, Round Eyes!

Moody and special Guest Joe scored 6 and 6.5, respectively, on the Stinkometer, for this flick, while the MooCow was a bit harsher, awarding it an 8, giving No Retreat, No Surrender a total Stink Score of 20.5, and a Stink Average score of 6.8 – a fairly decent stink bouquet, but far from the stinkiest flick of Season 2!

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Check out the 1986 trailer from Seasonal Corporation HERE.  See the cowplete film in glorious HD on the Tube of You, at least until they take it down.  And to watch the cheesy moosic video that someone made, check it out HERE. and an-udder one HERE, ’cause you can’t just watch one cheesy moosic vid.  Git yer hooves on the blu ray from AMAZON, or the DVD HERE.  And, of course, Rifftrax covered this flick and you can get it right from the SOURCE.  For those of you who can’t get enough of this moovie, Film School Rejects has an interesting overview HERE.  Get the Tee Shirt and wear it proudly.  Get the poster and stick it on your wall – you know you love it!

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Oh yes, we will haunt your dreams!

So if yer looking for some of that wacky 80’s nostalgia, need a decent Martial Arts action fix, or just want a slice of some serious cheese, do check out No Retreat, No Surrender, and maybe the ghost of Bruce Lee will visit you and teach you cow to kick a bag of sand – from RUSSIA!
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Episode 31: Blood Predator (2007)

 

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Oh No!!!  its the evil space crickets from HELL!!!

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Well, that’s what this ridiculous, sci-fi stinker SHOULD have been called, either that or Bugs and Bickering.  In which a group of unpleasant, irritating semi-characters take refuge in a ‘snowy’ cabin in the woods from a ‘storm’, and then fall prey to some of the worst creature fx you will ever see.  They fight the bugs, bicker and argue endlessly among themselves, and finally everything blows up in the end, and we can calk off an-udder hour and a half of the MooCow’s life that he desperately wants back.  Poor James is back for an-udder colossal stinker from the Indie Film Cafe crew – check out the latest PODCAST episode and witness all the groans and moans of excruciating pain.

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Juuuust look at all that snow….yep…tons and tons of…snow

Poor writing, poor direction, poor editing, poor special effects, and scenes that drone on and on and go nowhere, Blood Predator is moore  constitution test than an actual moovie.  Writer/Director Paul Gagne‘s ‘artistic vision’ is clearly hampered by a severe lack of Benjamins (to say nothing of actual SNOW), and it tantamount to an appalling disaster of biblical proportions the likes of which even the veterans of such stinkers at Indie Film Cafe have barely survived.  But its when James says “That was the worst move I have ever seen in my life” that the MooCow finally cracks a knowing smile…

 

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Hello, Jump Scare Puma here to add some cheap thrills to your dull, stupid moovie…

In addition to our old friend Jump Scare Puma we also have Red Herring Cat and Stock Footage Wolf to keep us company as the dreary parade of bickering non-characters pretend to be frightened and killed off by a bunch of balding, toothy, poorly drawn cgi bugs.  Egads.  No wonder our beleaguered guest James awarded it a 10 on the Stinkometer!  Not to be outdone, the MooCow awarded the film a 9, while Moody went with a 9.5, giving Blood Predator an overall Stink Score of 28.5, and an Stink Average of 9.5!!!  WOW, that is some stinky bug moovie!!!  :=8D

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If you REALLY want to see a trailer of this mess, HERE you go, but don’t say you weren’t warned.  If you want you can actually buy this piece of dreck, the Widescreen DVD version, so you can watch every tiny drop of goodness, from Amazon, but trust the MooCow it will be the worst 30 bucks you’ll ever spend.  Kindly (or perhaps not so much) Film Gorillas has put this up for free on Daily MotionBarnes & Noble has it too on DVD, and there’s always someone on Ebay looking for a sucker….errr, I mean buyer.

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Evil Space Crickets from Hell!!!

We’re not gonna lie, folks, as cheapy alien mootant bug moovies go, this one is seriously craptastic.  But if yer looking for a way to torment your friends (and who isn’t?), this flick is pretty moooch guaranteed to provide nothing but pain and suffering for a long, long time, and it is IFC-recowmended!
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