Author: The MooCow

Well folks, if you’ve been waiting your whole lives to watch a killer tongue moovie (and who hasn’t?), yer in luck ’cause this bad boy just landed!  From the deranged mind of Spanish director Alberto Sciamma (Black Plague, Blood Trap) comes this weird wacka-doodle horror-com, cowplete with evil alien tongue, convenience store nuns, alien tongue/human interbreeding, species-transitioning poodles, and oh yeah, Freddie Kruger too!

Poor Candy (Melinda Clarke): she’s just made off with a huge heist with her great love Johnny, having gotten rid of their wacko partners Vic and Chip; unfortunately, Johnny gets pinched, and she has to hide in a gas station nunnery while he does his time in a depraved prison run by sicko Warden Robert Englund,  While she waits, she accidentally eats a bowl of soup that has a meteor in it, and a killer alien tongue takes over her body, transforming her into a hot latex goth princess – and her fluffy poodles get turned into campy transvestites with wayyyyy too much make-up (including The Tudor’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Rudolph!).  Candy is not overjoyed by this.  This get even moore cowplicated when she discovers that the tongue has made her pregnant, and cowplete wackiness ensues.  Oh, and Doug Bradley (Pinhead from the Hellraiser moovies) plays Wig, Johnny’s prison pal.

Friends, this is a rare one, but if you can git your hooves on a copy of this flick you simply must – check out the Indie Film Cafe’s discussion HERE to see what all the fuss is about!  Just seeing these stars of so many indie and non-indie horror films working together make it worth your purchase price alone, to say nothing of the weird death scenes.  And if that weren’t enough the soundtrack was cowtributed to by the weird 90’s Euro-synth band Fangoria!

Killer Tongue definitely has some stink to it, but not nearly as mooch as some flicks on this podcast, that is for sure!  The MooCow awarded Killer Tongue a 4.5 on the Stinkometer, while Moody chipped in with a 6 – but Miss Lenore cud not hold back her disdain, and awarded it a 9.5, which rates the film overall as a Stink Total of 20, and 6.7 Average Stink Score.

Git yer trailerage right HERE.  its expensive, but you can pick up a copy of your very own from AMAZON – you know you want to!  You can also find it at Alibris.  if this moovie ever comes out on Blu Ray, and we all hope it does, Blu-Ray.com will let you know.  If yer really lucky you can find it packages with udder stinkers at such places like Bull Moose and Oldies.com.  And apparently Wally World.  And for the truly desperate, vhs copies still exist.  Spike Magazine had a great preview of the film when it went to Cannes (yes, it did!!), where it ‘went down like a storm’ – of course it did!  Get the kewl Japanese moovie poster HERE.

Once you’ve ironed out a copy for yourself, we here at Indie Film Cafe promise you will enjoy every lick of this strange Spanish flick!

Check it out, boys and girls, Charlie’s got a mysterious new game system, and boy i he in for one heck of a game!  From the writers who brought you Hey, Stop Stabbing Me!, and the directors of Dorm Daze and Transylmania comes this fun little indie about , going deep, deep, deep into the gaming world, quite literally!  Its a topic covered many times before, sometimes successfully (Arcade), udder times not so much (Nightmares), but this little gem stars Nate Richert and the lovely Danielle Fishel, and a bunch of pixily, monkey-hopping, demented ninja zombies.  The Indie Film Cafe folks yak it up on their latest podcast debating the pluses and minuses

So this is the epic story of cow Charlie (Richert) got his groove back by going into a decidedly dangerous video game that takes over his brain, saving the girl (Fishel), and being the first person to actually defeat the game by finishing it.  The game sinks its teeth into Charlie by populating itself with characters based on people from Charlie’s real life, including his sadly deceased girlfriend, Kate – hence the reason Charles is on a major bummer.  BUT, hold everything, because the game ALSO makes the main bad guy the cop who was responsible for Kate’s death, and things get very, very cowplicated.  But its not easy, and the game nearly kills Charlie several times, and only manages to defeat it with the help and influence of Princess (Kate’s clone).  Charlie beats his funk, finds a nice new girl suspiciously similar to Princess, and lives a happy life – while dropping a little surprise for the evil real life cop!

The game progresses from a grungy Grand Theft Auto-type universe to a weird hopping ninja-verse, to, I dunno, Walking Dead Wannabe World?  The graphics have not aged well, but fortunately the story is much better than the graphics, and the solid acting overall makes this one a fairly stink-free indie!  The MooCow gave a tiny 1.5 for his Stink Score, which is a record low!  Moody presented a 2, and special guest Joe Turek from Sick Flick Productions chipped in with a 2.5, giving Gmebow 1.0 a total Stink Score of 6, and an average stink of 2.0!  That’s pretty schweeeet!  :=8D

As usual, we have trailerage right HERE.  And some kind soul made a sweet Charlie/Princess hair ballad video right HERE.  You can stream it or git yer hooves on a copy at AMAZON.  And apparently you can buy/stream it on Vudu, whatever the heck that it.  Directors Dave and Scott Hillenbrand do an interesting interview HERE for those who would like to know moore about the moovie.

So if you need a break from all the serious stinky flicks the Indie Film Cafe folks have been serving you up lately, then we promise you Gamebox 1.0 is a breath of fresh air that will make you smile.
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Holy Shit-akes!  Its a mob of malevolent mushrooms!!!  :=8O  If you thought Suburban Sasquatch was dangerous, wait ’til you see what those fun-guys at Troubled Moon Films has in store for the Indie Film Cafe folks in their latest PODCAST – and the morel of the story is to watch you back when there are mushroom involved!
:=8D

It all starts with a crazy doctor and his wacky formula; doc’s been working extra hard lately, so naturally his nice parents decide to set him up for a week in a nice vacation house out in the woods – little do they know that he will be bringing his fateful formula with him!  One spill later, and its mushroom munchies all over, as a gang of mushroom hand puppets, cgi mushrooms, and guys in sheets dressed as mushrooms, take on the whole gang!

Writer/Producer/Editor/Director Dave Wascavage plays mooltiple roles on this film, as does his wife, the lovely Mary Wascavage, both of whom can be seen in Suburban Sasquatch.  So too can Dave Bonavita, the sheriff from Suburban Sasquatch, who plays a wrestler in Fungicide who needs a vacation to deal with his bad case of spontaneous combustion.  And, of course, Dave Weldon who played the furry-boobed beast plays the crazy Doctor Silas.  And while the acting is fun, clearly it is the puppets and cgi marvels that are the star of this show!  It all makes for a fun, wacky moovie that is hard to beat!  In fact, it really grows on you…
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Just Jenn is back!!!  Well, at least for this episode.  She, Moody, and the MooCow howled their way through the moovie, and very much enjoyed it – although the Stink scores are pretty high!  Just Jenn and the MooCow awarded 9’s, while Moody went all out and gave this flick a full 10, giving a total Stink Score of 28, and an average score of 9.3!

Git yer Fungcide trailer right HERE!!!  You know you want to check it out!  Git yer hooves on a copy right from the source at Troubled Moon Films, or git it as part of the Drenched in Blood 4 moovie dvd pack from Amazon right HERE.  LISTEN to the haunting Fungicide theme song, sung by the lovely Mary Wascavage right HERE!!!

Well, you don’t need magic shrooms to enjoy this mushroom moovie, but it helps.  Check it out!
:=8D

Ahem.  Gary Busy plays an evil psychopathic cookie who tries to kill people and slings bad puns.  This statement alone is reason enough to check out this fun, classic stinker from those wacky folks at Full Moon Video – although when you add in the always wonderful, glorious, and immensely beautiful and talented Robin Sydney, its pretty mooch a slam cookie dunk!  Check out our latest PODCAST to see what the Indie Film Cafe folks had to say about this tasty treat!
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So, evil, dopey, mom-besotted Millard Findlemeyer (Busey) robs a cafe and kills Sarah Leigh (Sydney)’s family, because why not, but gets caught and is sent to the electric chair (even though in Texas its lethal injection only – details, details…), and his mother decides to send her sons ashes to Sarah’s bakery disguised as “Grandmas Gingerbread Spice Mix”, where they get baked into s vat of cookie dough – add in a little blood from the worst named wrestler in history (The Bucher-Baker!!???!!), and some electricity, and whammo-bammo, we’ve got one crummy little cookie running around causing havoc.  Soon, the Busey-Cookie is terrorizing Sarah and her bakery buddies, chops her mother’s finger off, threatens a cute little rat, carves up evil Miss Prettyface whose father he crushes with a car, and nearly gives Hot Topic Boyfriend a run for his money – eventually he gets eaten by the Butcher-Baker, possessed him, and gets put into the oven for the final solution.  Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles, we just can’t help it….

While it drags in places, any film with an evil cookie is right up our dark scary alley, and Charles Band knows how to milk all the sugar out of this pesky pastry.  Moody gave the film a 6.0 on the Stinkometer, while the MooCow and Special Guest Lenore chocolate chipped in scores of 5.0 – that gives this flick a total Stink Score of 16, and a Stinky Average of 5.33 – not too shabby!

Need a cookie sampler?  Check out the trailer HERE.  Buy it direct from Full Moon with the rest of your snacks right HERE.  You can buy the moovie from Amazon HERE, or go baker’s dozen and get the Gingerdead Man trilogy box set right HERE!  And for you sick little monkeys who want, need, and desire an 8″ resin stature of the evil cookie himself, in all his sweet gingery glory, you need to go HERE.  YOU need the French poster – yes you do, get it HERE.  And lastly, there is a Gingerdead Man comic, because of course there is – check it out HERE.

Well, if there is no room in yer life for a killer cookie moovie, I dunno what hope there is for you.  But if there is, then don’t be a cream puff, slap down a little dough and check out this comedic cookie caper while the sheet is still hot!

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Much like the brainless, shambling monsters it portrays, Hard Rock Zombies is itself a zombie, a moldering, unthinking, decaying pile of crappitude that moves only on the illogical whims of  a dead brain it cannot understand.  Nazi’s, werewolves, midgets, zombies, 80’s montages, and  hairspray-n-spandex cheese metal music all come together in one unholy vomitus of epic 80’s proportions that has to be beheld to be believed.  The film, an early form of metalsploitation, features Phil Fondacaro as an evil hand-loving midget, E.J. Curse as the creepy paedo-singer Jesse who will not stay dead, Sam Mann (from Roller Blade!) as a drummer who never drums, Jennifer Coe as the large-haired zygote Cassie, for whom all the creepy songs are sung for, and not really much else.  Oh sure, there are werewolves and Hitler and a town channeling Footloose, but then there was a lot of cocaine snorted in the 80’s, and the MooCow is certain that had a lot to do with the ‘plot’, as it is.  The kids at Indie Film Cafe tried really, really hard to survive this debacle, as you can see in their podcast, but it was close, folks…

The moans of pain and woe emanating from the Indie Film Cafe studio during the viewing of this nightmare were truly horrific, from the inexplicable zombie logic to the unbelievable desire on the film makers’ part to torture their audience by forcing them to listen to entire tracks of the lamest, moost nauseating cheesy fake hair metal ever created.  Just watching these idiots walking like zombies is an exercise in brain cell destruction worthy of the hardest liquor.  Hell, just being forced to watch 95 year old Hitler schtupp Nazi Grandma werewolf in front of the evil midgets is enough to send any sane person to the funny farm for a permanent vacation – but that’s why we’re here folks, in our incredibly brave and selfless lives, watching ridiculous, excessive crap like this so you don’t have to.  Trust the MooCow: 5 minutes after watching this you’ll want to emulate our fake midget friend below and try suicide by self-consumption.

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER!!!  :=8O

We’re not gonna lie, folks, this one was rough.  Creepy, stupid, grotesque, and vile, you’ll need at least 37 showers to wash off all the snot, slime, piss, and puss after this one.  An easy 10 for the MooCow; Moody awarded it a 9.5, while guest reviewer James gave it a 9.0, ’cause he has a soft spot for cheese metal (bleaghhhh!).  That gives Hard Rock Zombies a Stinky Average score of 9.5 – and we’re not even a sixth of the way through the second season yet!!!

If you must, check out the trailer HERE.  God help me, you can find this crap on the Tube of You, if you really must.  And for those of you serious hard-core crazies, here is the horrible, horrible SOUNDTRACK.  For those of you who are dying to add it to your crap cowllection, good luck, it is happily out of print, but you can always find someone selling it way overpriced on Amazon.  Setting yer moolah on fire would be a better use of your hard earned weregeld.  For the truly insane, git your album and cassette versions of the stinky soundtrack HERE.  And because we know you want to sing the vomit-inducing ballad “Cassie” over and over again, here are the mid-numbing LYRICS. And for you guitar players, here are the CHORDS.   And finally, if yer thinking about raising the dead with a copy of the lame 2 chord ‘resurrection moosic’, we’ve thoughtfully provided that for you too HERE.

Well, we’re not sure things can get much worse here at Indie Film Cafe, but if the MooCow can find something ever moore horrible, you can bet he will share it with the world!

:=8D