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Episode 25: Hard Rock Zombies

hrz cover

Much like the brainless, shambling monsters it portrays, Hard Rock Zombies is itself a zombie, a moldering, unthinking, decaying pile of crappitude that moves only on the illogical whims of  a dead brain it cannot understand.  Nazi’s, werewolves, midgets, zombies, 80’s montages, and  hairspray-n-spandex cheese metal music all come together in one unholy vomitus of epic 80’s proportions that has to be beheld to be believed.  The film, an early form of metalsploitation, features Phil Fondacaro as an evil hand-loving midget, E.J. Curse as the creepy paedo-singer Jesse who will not stay dead, Sam Mann (from Roller Blade!) as a drummer who never drums, Jennifer Coe as the large-haired zygote Cassie, for whom all the creepy songs are sung for, and not really much else.  Oh sure, there are werewolves and Hitler and a town channeling Footloose, but then there was a lot of cocaine snorted in the 80’s, and the MooCow is certain that had a lot to do with the ‘plot’, as it is.  The kids at Indie Film Cafe tried really, really hard to survive this debacle, as you can see in their podcast, but it was close, folks…

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NEED MOAR LIPSTICK!

The moans of pain and woe emanating from the Indie Film Cafe studio during the viewing of this nightmare were truly horrific, from the inexplicable zombie logic to the unbelievable desire on the film makers’ part to torture their audience by forcing them to listen to entire tracks of the lamest, moost nauseating cheesy fake hair metal ever created.  Just watching these idiots walking like zombies is an exercise in brain cell destruction worthy of the hardest liquor.  Hell, just being forced to watch 95 year old Hitler schtupp Nazi Grandma werewolf in front of the evil midgets is enough to send any sane person to the funny farm for a permanent vacation – but that’s why we’re here folks, in our incredibly brave and selfless lives, watching ridiculous, excessive crap like this so you don’t have to.  Trust the MooCow: 5 minutes after watching this you’ll want to emulate our fake midget friend below and try suicide by self-consumption.

hrz2
Hay, I taste just like chicken!

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER!!!  :=8O

We’re not gonna lie, folks, this one was rough.  Creepy, stupid, grotesque, and vile, you’ll need at least 37 showers to wash off all the snot, slime, piss, and puss after this one.  An easy 10 for the MooCow; Moody awarded it a 9.5, while guest reviewer James gave it a 9.0, ’cause he has a soft spot for cheese metal (bleaghhhh!).  That gives Hard Rock Zombies a Stinky Average score of 9.5 – and we’re not even a sixth of the way through the second season yet!!!

score

If you must, check out the trailer HERE.  God help me, you can find this crap on the Tube of You, if you really must.  And for those of you serious hard-core crazies, here is the horrible, horrible SOUNDTRACK.  For those of you who are dying to add it to your crap cowllection, good luck, it is happily out of print, but you can always find someone selling it way overpriced on Amazon.  Setting yer moolah on fire would be a better use of your hard earned weregeld.  For the truly insane, git your album and cassette versions of the stinky soundtrack HERE.  And because we know you want to sing the vomit-inducing ballad “Cassie” over and over again, here are the mid-numbing LYRICS. And for you guitar players, here are the CHORDS.   And finally, if yer thinking about raising the dead with a copy of the lame 2 chord ‘resurrection moosic’, we’ve thoughtfully provided that for you too HERE.

hrz

Well, we’re not sure things can get much worse here at Indie Film Cafe, but if the MooCow can find something ever moore horrible, you can bet he will share it with the world!

:=8D

hrz=cassie
I can’t wait until I finally turn 12 so I can marry Jessie!

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