The Indie Film Cafe Movie Reviews!

Oh Alix Villaret…so pretty, so sweet, so ho-hum as an actress. You deserve better than this absolute mess of a ‘ghost’ flick – oh, there is a ghost, finally, that shows up in the waning last few mooments of this weird-ass film, but its NOT blind, and by the time it shows up moost people watching are either already asleep, have turned the film off, or no longer care. From the folks who brought us the equally dreadful Dollface, so we knew what we were getting into! Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe where Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host actress Jackey Hall, all moan and groan and gnash their teeth over this oddball wanna-be horror moovie!

Yeahhh…so Alix plays a regular old fashioned LA girl named Lily, who happens to have a thick French accent, and who gets blinded in an ‘accident’ – her weird family either doesn’t care, or are busy getting their entire faces tattooed, you know, as you do. She then refuses to learn braille, because why on earth would she do that? There some kind of inheritance involved, which means its time to worry about the rest of the family, and for the strange garden gnome who passes for a lawyer to get involved by stripping his shirt off and guzzling beers at various meetings – you know, as you do. Mix in Uncle Tattooface, Detective Bonkers (his actual name!), who likes to sleep with mouse traps, and various udder weird characters, and you have a serious WTF stinker on your hooves! Which is good because plot-wise, the moovie is pretty mooch a snorefest. There is nothing even remootely violent or scary, but there is enough unnecessary weirdness to at least keep stink-fans from falling asleep.

All of this cowfusing wonderfullness comes from the world of SP Releasing, an indie mooovie company featuring the Pauls: Stuart Paul (writer and director of this here film, as well as Dollface) and Steven Paul (Producer of same), with a few extra Pauls (Hank and Samuel Mason, and Dorothy Koster Paul) tossed in for good measure. I’m really hoping there is a Paul Paul in there somewhere because as we all know YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH PAULS WORKING ON A FILM!!! :=8O

I know, its apPAULing…

Ughhh, just soooo much nothing happens in this film; the acting ranges from fairly wooden to way over the top; the production values also range from fairly decent to bad lighting and weird camera angle choices; and the plot is silly and seems painfully aware that not mooch is going on, and so tosses in various silly things, like katsup, to cover up the overall blandness. Its a shame because udderneath all of this junk there cud have been a fun little indie film, given a bit moore care, polish, and someone to step in now and then to say ‘No, dude, make the garden gnome put his shirt back on…”.

BUT, fair warnings folks, you can expect a lot moore SP Releasing films on Indie Film Cafe, cause, stinky or no, we digs what these guys are shovelin’…and we digs Alix Villaret, and we are CERTAIN that one of these oddball films is gonna capture her brilliance – SOON!

Wow, the IFC kids cudn’t WAIT to give this film a 10 each, specially Jackey Hall who was flabbergasted by this feeble flick – just goes to show you should never udderestimate the MooCow for finding quality STINK! 10’s all around = an-udder 30 for Season 6, which may end up the stinkiest season yet! Straight up to Stinky Heaven with this one!

Check out the O-fficial trailer right HERE. Is on Tubi for free, along with a bunch of udder SP Releases. Is on Prime too. You can also stream it via SP Releasing on Vudu. If u want the physical copy, well the IFC folks have found it at their local Dollar Tree, along with the udder $1.25 flotsam and jetsam, but yer local one may or may not have it – check ’em all out, just to be sure! It also pops up on Ebay. a Blu Ray is SUPPOSED to be available at Walmart, but there’s nut’n honey there when you click – maybe you have to be blind or a ghost to see it, I dunno. You can get the digital poster of the film at Cinematerial.com and Themoviedb.org. That’s about it for schwag, unfortunately. If yer obsessed over Alix Villaret, like the MooCow is, here are a few sites featuring her: Instagram, SP Release article, an-udder SP Release article. And the homeship for SP Releasing can be found right here, with articles and trailers for all their stuff. We keeeed a lot about these moovies, but please, if you can support independent film making please do, we love our indies, even the stinky ones, because at least they’re trying to do something different and fun, so we put out the word whenever we can.

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody back again for another blog review. This time I found a film that John Ward and Paul Presenza owned that way we could review it by Zoom. The movie I chose as you can obviously tell was the 2010 flick, “Dahmer VS Gacy”… one of the first and maybe only time you will see two dead serial killers who never actually met in real life duke it out to see who is the supreme Serial killer…. Wait what? Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe episode to hear our reactions!

Here’s the IMDB Synopsis so you can better understand:
A secret government has been trying to create the ultimate killer using the DNA of infamous killers Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy, but there’s one big problem: they’ve escaped! Bloody mayhem stretches across the United States as they go on the ultimate killing spree. Trying to stop the maniacal madness is Ringo, a hick warrior, using only a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey. It all leads up to the ultimate showdown!

Dahmer VS Gacy  to me was kinda fun. I know I’m gonna get a lot of crap for that and some people didn’t dig it as much including Paul and John. But I really had a fun time. There were things obviously that I thought could have been better.  I thought the actors were pretty well cast including…  Randal Malone as John Wayne Gacy would have been so cool but he wasn’t in it enough. He had some pretty good moments but overall it was a very lackluster performance.  Ford Austin as both Jeffrey Dahmer and the guy who was sent to find him and bring him back was great casting but overall it didn’t amount to much.  Like at the end of the movie it just felt like okay its over. He also Directed.

At least we got a real VS kind of film… it happens toward the end but most of these low budget VS movies barely have actual scenes where the two characters are fighting each other. Remember when we reviewed Bigfoot VS Krampus on Quick Review Thursday. Bigfoot and Krampus didn’t even fight each other. They barely even saw each other. But in this we do get a showdown. It isn’t at all as epic as I was hoping. But its really done for comedic effect. 

Speaking of comedy… if you were expecting this to be a serious movie at all you have another thing coming to you cause it ain’t. It’s silly and stupid and fun. If you are taking this seriously you need help. Professionally. But that’s just my personal opinion. I’d still seek it because this movie is so stupid it actually made me enjoy it. I love movies like this. Sadly both of my hosts on the show didn’t feel the same way. They were very disappointed by it and were shocked that I actually dug it. 

Funny thing is the Dahmer Netflix series just came out this month and we released it around the same time. That was actually not planned but hey that’s a great coincidence. So if you enjoyed watching the Dahmer series which actually also had John Wayne Gacy in it (Spoiler… sorry) then go check it out and then watch Dahmer VS Gacy after. That sounds like a fun double feature to me.  

So I guess the scores are in… and as I said, Paul and John were not overly thrilled by this flick. John found it kind of meh while Paul thought it was pretty stinky. I on the other hand gave it a pretty low score. I gave it a 2, Paul gave it an 8, and John have it a 5 giving it a Stink Score of 15, and a Stinky Average of 5.0. Which pretty much puts in the Meh pile. Here are some other Meh movies that also got a 15 on the Ladder of Stink… Santa’s Slay, It Waits, and Don’s Plum! Those were truly Meh movies.

Well I hope you guys enjoyed that last podcast. Paul is up next and in a sec he will be telling you all how to get your grubby little hooves on this flick! Take it away Paul! 

Moo! Well, we gots yer trailer right HERE. Amazon is streaming it on Prime. The DVD is over at Uncle Amazon, and it also pops up on re-sale sites like Ebay. There is a Blu Ray too, if you really want it. Get the 27″ x 40″ poster at Wally World, or Ebay, Wish, and/or MoviePosterShop.com. If u really wanna splurge you can drop 40 big ones and get the moovie promo Tee Shirt on Ebay. And for some reason one of the songs in the flick, I dunno which one, is on Apple, because of course it is. Udder folks have covered or reviewed this moovie too, check ’em out.

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody back again for a brand new review! This time we’re talking about a fantasy movie beyond any kind of fantasy. A fantasy so fantastic that the filmmakers actually thought this film was going to be good. We’re talking about the movie, “Maradonia and the Shadow Empire”, or as the poster says, “Maradonia The Shadow Empire”…. Anyhoo I couldn’t figure out who to subject to this crappy film. I decided to enlist the help of John Ward who has been a guest on multiple episodes and of course Paul Presenza cause well how many terrible movies has he subjected me to… I lost count! Hear us on a very LONG latest podcast episode, there was just so much to talk about!

The plot from Letterboxed (It doesn’t even have a synopsis on IMDB… that’s bad):

Maya and Joey, a young brother and sister from the small city of Oceanside, find a gap in the fence of a Government property. Going through it, they soon discover the entrance to a Cave with a hidden tunnel that leads them to a strange place and world on the other side. Maradonia, a world between the worlds and with the youngsters arrival, the ancient prophecy of the Light King is fulfilled: “In the last days at the end of the age, when two silver birds attack the twin brothers, two children will arrive in the land of Maradonia and show the fallen angel and ruler of the Shadow Empire, his limitations”. In the legendary land of Maradonia, the ordinary lives of Maya and Joey change forever. As brother and sister find themselves in an unfamiliar and perilous world ruled by magic and dark power, a journey brimming with excitement and adventure begins. 

Well yes all of that was in the movie but ohhh man so much other crap was thrown in to it! For example, a random class that I guess was supposed to explain things but went on weird tirades about the 9/11 attacks that had nothing to do with the movie. Characters that pop in and out and seem like they have something to do with the rest of the film that don’t. That actually happens a lot more than I would like in the world of independent film-making. The acting can get so atrocious that you just want to shut the movie.

The direction if you can call it that is so non-existent that it feels most of the time that the “director” was just having the camera follow the people, but add nothing cinematic to the flick. And speaking of the director, Gerry Tesch, he is the father of the main lead (who is also the writer), a girl named Gloria Tesch, who I guess convinced her father to put his home up for mortgage to finance the film. They raised a lot of money between 800,000 to a million dollars to film this trash. I wish they had used that money to hire a real director.  Not trying to speak ill of the dead because sadly Gerry Tesch has passed away, but dear God he should have allowed more help to make this film. It’s a terrible terrible train wreck. So much so that the filmmakers who worked on this did everything they could to bury it. You can’t find this on streaming and DVD or anything like that. I’ll let Paul tell you more about  that in a sec. 

All in all this movie was so bad that Gloria Tesch changed her name to Sofia Nova and now makes new novels and also raps on the side. You know you’re in trouble when a filmmaker is also a white rapper. Ugh! Just know you’re all lucky you can’t see this flick.

This was another unanimous 10’s all around. A 30 but not really a 30 plus – this isn’t Miss Werewolf, but damn would it be close. Stink Average score of 10. This is up there in Stinky Heaven with all the other 30s, like Fateful Findings, Lycan Colony, Zombie Cop, and more! 

Phew… well I am done talking about this stinker so I will pass it off to Paul who can add whatever he can for this…

Well, it ain’t gonna be much… :=8(

Unfortunately, you can’t buy this feeble flick anywhere, ’cause Gloria Tesch made damn sure no one will see, hear about, or remember this moovie ever again – except, of course, for crap hounds like us at Indie Film Cafe! No trailers, no merch, pretty much nut n honey, EXCEPT some kind soul did add the film to Youtube, udder another name, so we can all revel in the horrific glory! There are also one or two udder groups who talk about or do videos about the film as well, although it is pretty obscure – not even the MooCow had herd about it! But if it ever gets a release, and oh yea gods we all hope it DOES, you can be sure we will update this site for you!
:=8)

The world loves a stinky shark moovie, oh yes it does – and it doesn’t get mooch stinkier than this cheapy sex comedy/plastic shark attack flick put out by Christine Whitlock that simply has to be seen to be believed! Oh Canada!!! Just when we thought your worst import was Justin Beiber or Celine Dion! Moody and the MooCow are ready to take on the worst – but stepping up to the plate is nun udder than special guest co-host Curtis Barnes, a stinky moovie veteran who has walked (and sometimes crawled) through the steaming wreckage of MooCow stinkers in the past, and is always ready for moore! Will this iron-hearted, and iron-stomach, trio meet their match this time? Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe podcast episode and find out for yourself!

Gosh, where to begin? Soooo…there is a cute, inflatable plastic shark floating around an unnamed Canadian harbor, and anytime anyone falls into the water – which is pretty mooch all the time – they are immediately eaten, and we’re talking hundred here, folks. In the meantime, Earl Molar and Oceanna Anchor are trying to have a relationship; there are a pair of Commodores, each trying to do various things that don’t really matter, some weird relationship subplots, a drug deal, a boat race, mutant fish food, and – heck, the kitchen sink! Have we mentioned the fact that oodles of random people, some in the moost over the top, neon colored wigs you will ever find, fall into or are pushed into the water, for no udder reason than to ring the dinner bell for the hungry, hungry inflatable shark – which kind of sings in a weird Louis Armstrong-type voice (don’t get me started!!!).

Yeah, its a hot mess. But to be clear, folks, there is no gore, no horror, no action, no violence whatsoever; its really a mass of hint-hint/wink-wink sex comedy innuendo, and ohbytheway there’s a shark, secondary to the plot. Add in weird sound effects, colorful, obvious fake names, the same sets used over and over again, sometimes cleverly disguised with miss-matched curtains, and udder low, low production values, and you can see why they were really aiming for a comedy. Unfortunately, it ain’t none too funny either. Well, ok, the final scene where the distressed Oceanna is attacked by the inflatable critter, and has to whack it with a scrap piece of balsa wood is pretty funny, especially given that’s when our Marina Monster starts to SING!!! Well, kind of. I guess if someone took about 10% of Jaws, and tossed in a whole bunch of Gilligan’s Island, and set it to puree, this is the result!

Direction is pedestrian at best; the acting is over the top, as a farce should be, the production values pretty minimal – and when you figure that this moovie was made at the same time as an-udder sea creature feature (Sharp Teeth), and they were trying to get 2 films out of 1 shoot, well things begin to make a little moore sense. Somewhere I see the liver-spotted forehead of Roger Corman nodding in agreement with these choice. Director Christine Whitlock is a writer who has written for many venues of entertainment, including Canadian television, plays, and internet series, but her style tends towards the very broad types of humor, and ex-nay on the ubtle-say. Even so, this cud have been a bit moore fun if the story had really gone for it, instead of playing it safe, and perhaps been more adult and less juvenile. Think Seduction Cinema! But we get it, Canadians are just nice people, not like filthy crude Americans, they just can’t help but being nice and kind of tame. It moost be the colder temps…and all the Tim Hortens.

So, the votes are in , and yeah…its 10s across the board. Just nothing really happens, at all, and only only thing that keeps you interested is seeing cow bad things can really get, and that’s never a good sign. Stink Total of 30, and a Stinky Average of 10.0 – straight up to Stinky Heaven with this one, may all udder lesser stinky shark moovies bow down before it!

Check out the trailer HERE. It is currently on Prime. Rent it through NETFLIX. If you want a physical copy of this gem, and believe the MooCow, you DO, then head on over to Christine Whitlock’s webpage and order a copy! She’ll be glad you did! Mine came with extra goodies, and then I went back and ordered Vampire Dentist, because who can resist a moovie with a title like that? You can also get Sharp Teeth from her there, and you better believe that’s next on the MooCow’s list! you can also sometimes find it on the Canadian Ebay, eh? I wish I cud say there was schwag out there for this moovie, but alas, there was none to be found beyond a digital version of the film poster at CineMaterial.com. If you dug the soundtrack there are a few of the tracks HERE. The Creature Feature Bleachers cover this film, but udderwise there isn’t much love out there for Marina Monster, which is one reason why the IFC kids decided to feature it – well, the MooCow did anyways. Oh that wascally MooCow…

So, is it safe to go back into the water? Probably not, but at least you can be pretty sure that unless yer up in Canada you won’t be menaced by this thing:

<=8D

Ever wonder what would happen if The Room and Twilight had a weird, slow baby?? No, just me? Well, if you were wondering, seek no moore, because da MooCow found it! The Last Vampire on Earth is a spectacularly bad Twilight/Room mishmash of epic dullness, punctuated by bad, amateur performances, poor effects, a weak story line, and some weird little chubby kid who eats everything in site! Naturally, this was perfect for the kids at Indie Film Cafe to suffer through, especially Moody, the MooCow, and a pair of special guest co-hosts, Jessa Flux and Madeline Deering! Check out the latest podcast episode to see if this moovie bangs, or bites! ;=8)

Boring, dull vamp guy named Aurelius who buys blood instead of killing people, hits on dull teen named Chloe, who invites him home for dinner – he eats chicken (instead of just turning it down!), and pukes, which makes the father immediately cowclude that he is, in fact, a vampire! A group of folks kidnap him (which apparently is easy as pie), lightly wrap a few weak strands of yarn around him and a pole, and then Bella-Wannabe shows up with a gun and announces she has AIDS – “That’s right, AIDS!” Then everyone says, “Oh, sorry”, and lets him go, the end. Believe the MooCow, the moovie is even dumber and slower that this… :=8P

Ohhh Vitaliy Versace, what have you done? Well, you made a $0 budget local moovie, using local talent, and its, ummm….not very good, even by Youngstown Ohio standards. The moovie has weird ideas about vampires, weird ideas about Christianity, odd dialog choices, and very loose standards when it comes to post-production. But yeah, this is his One-Shot/No Re-Takes Twilight, in the same way he has also made his own, low budget, poor One-Shot/No Re-Takes versions of Aladdin, the Jungle Book, Karate Kid, etc, moost of which will end up on Indie Film Cafe at one point or an-udder because we are just crap hounds who thrive on cringe. And trust us, this flick is full of cringe.

Well, the scores are in, and with Moody bowing out this time we have to rely on the MooCow and the two guest co-hosts: Jess went right for the throat and awarded a 10, while Maddy Deer (always playing nice) went with an 8, while the MooCow awarded a 9.5 – that gives Last Vampire on Earth a total Stink Score of 27.5, which is a Stinky Average of 9.2 – on the Ladder of Stink this one nestles in right between Thankskilling, Fungicide, and Curse of Bigfoot at 28, and Vampire Cop and Raiders of the Lost Shark at 27. Stinky stuff indeed!

Right HERE is yer trailer. Watch for free on Youtube! Is also streaming for free on Tubi, and also (amazingly) Netflix! It ain’t cheap, but if you want to git yer hooves on a physical dvd copy, you can at Amazon! It also lurks the halls of FYE. You can also find it re-sale at Ebay. You know you want that poster, so get the digital at MoviePosterb.com and CineMaterial.com. No mugs or tee shirts, BUT…the whole thing is based on a book, so behold, here is the paperback! Best of the Worst does a show on the film, among udders…

Who doesn’t love a stinky vampire flick, right? And when your stink smells suspiciously of both Twilight and The Room, you know you have a classic stinker – check it out!
:=8D