Author: The MooCow

Hey everyone!!! Jonathan Moody is here again with a new episode. And I had to find a movie that I remember really enjoying as a kid. I grew up on Sasha Mitchell (Kickboxer 2; Step by Step) and I was so excited to do a movie that I remembered being kind of fun and entertaining especially if you just turn your brain off. That’s this movie… Class of 1999 II: The Substitute. I remember renting it as a kid and watching it over and over again. But it had been so long since I had seen it last. When I was thinking who could I have as guests on the show first and foremost I couldn’t invite Paul because I already tortured him with Kickboxer 2 for Quick Review Thursday. I had to pick people who would be in to it… so of course I had asked Dustin Hubbard and John Ward. Those two guys have been on other shows with me including, White Wolves: A Cry in the Wild 2 and Totem, so I was excited to have them back together again.  And boy was this new episode a fun show. 

To begin with the story is about Sasha Mitchell playing a character named John Boles: John is the new substitute teacher. In one of the first scenes he kills a guy and puts him in a closet which makes no sense for the rest of the movie because was this the teacher he is replacing? I think we are supposed to be led to believe it but that guys death never comes back. It’s almost as if that story line was just put in there to give him something cool to do. Later John starts to teach the kids lessons in harmful ways. He beats up a bunch of students who refuse to go to class and late blows up said students in a car. It doesn’t seem like there’s any police involved in anything this guy does. 

John becomes fixated on a teacher named Miss McKensie. She’s very beautiful but made one fatal mistake which is she turned in a gang member and the gang member got out of jail and was allowed back in the high school. Honestly she should have quit. I mean there’s no reason to risk your life everyday for a job that isn’t really that worth it. Miss McKensie is dating a guy named Emmett Grazer (Played as well as he could by Nick Cassavettes… this is before he directed The Notebook). One day however a bunch of the gang members are coming after McKensie and John stops them. He soon keeps coming to her rescue which goes on Grazer’s radar. Who is this guy? Why is he fixated on my woman? 

Speaking of fixated…. McKensie and Grazer have a steamy sex scene which I can imagine is the only reason Nick joined the cast. I mean it would have been my only reason. Weirdly enough during that scene John is just watching them like a creep. Stalker, much? Another time at her house the house gets shot at by the gang members and guess who’s there to save Miss McKensie… you guessed right? John is there to save the day! Pretty quickly she should have been alerted that there is something weird and creepy about this guy but since he’s always saving her she’s not thinking that.

Oh I forgot to mention we also get a guy named G.D. Ash, played by Deathstalker himself Rick Hill, who is following John and gives us a bit of background on the character. Honestly I wish there would have been more of that and less of the heroic saves. I just would have wanted more of him because he would have helped explain stuff. However since it’s so sporadic that we get it (I wonder if it was an after thought… like no one will understand what’s going on we have to put someone in there to give us more exposition). Anyhoo we find out more about John and why he’s so badass. And it all ties (sort of) in to the first Class of 1999. I won’t give away the ending but there is a bit of a twist. 

All in all in my opinion the movie wasn’t the worst… in fact for a direct to video style sequel of a movie I didn’t even see first I thought it wasn’t terrible but it doesn’t hold up nearly as well as I remembered it. I mean like I said before I would watch this over and over again. I may still watch it every now and then and I think there’s a Blu Ray out there of it which I must own at some point. Anyway those are my thoughts…

Well the scores are in and I was very nice and gave it a 6. To me that’s not very high on the Stinkometer. Dustin Hubbard gave it a 7. And John Ward enjoyed it the most giving it a 4. Giving it a total of 17, and a Stinky Average of 5.7. I mean technically it deserves a low rating since it’s not that bad. We’ve seen a hell of a lot worse. And you can hear the movie; you can see the movie. It might be a little convoluted or eye rolling but it has its merits. As for a 17 that puts it up with Gingerdead Man, John Johnson’s Shadow Hunters, and Ski Wolf… seems to be in good company! Anyway thanks for checking out this newest post…

Paul the MooCow will now tell you how to find this movie! Take it away Paul….

Finds the trailerage right HERE. You can sees it for free as OJ on the Tube of You. It is also streaming on Prime, as well as Tubi and Vudu. But if you want yer hot, sweaty little hooves on a copy of your very own, you can get the DVD on Amazon, Vintage Shack.com, and for re-sale through Ebay. You can also get the flick on Blu ray from Uncle Amazon too. Heckers, they even have it on VHS, if that’s your jam. Get the 11 x 17 poster at MoviePosterShop.com and Wallyworld, and the larger 27 x 40 poster at MoviePostersEtc.com, CineMaterial.com, and Posterazzi.com. HorrorFilmTees.com has a tee shirt, if you like, but that’s about it for swag.

Hey everyone and happy new year! Jonathan A Moody back again… Sorry this is soooo late! It’s been a busy end of the year and it’s only gonna get busier so I figured I’d write this up while I have a little bit of time to do so. For November’s podcast Paul A Presenza and I did an episode with special guest Joe Turek. I had picked a film that Paul and I hadn’t even seen but we were pretty sure was going to be baddddd! And ummm boy were we right. We picked the 2018 flick, Angel’s Descent… what was described as a Faith Based film and really only felt like the exact opposite. Well I’m about to talk to you guys about that.

First off you have to understand both Joe and I are Christians. Paul is an atheist. And he was also really mean to Joe and made him sit through, Geek Maggot Bingo earlier this year. He survived that and, The Janitor… all of which he was not a fan of. And this was probably one of the worst of the worst. We knew by checking out the trailer to this film (Originally titled, “Souls”) that this movie was going to be rough. Thankfully I already showed the trailer to Joe beforehand so he was already prepared. In fact he was a little worried at first because as a Christian he felt it was going to be wrong to talk trash against a movie that’s supposed to be a love letter to God. Don’t worry this was not it.

I first discovered this film when I was looking up deals on Oldies.com. Oldies had some fun movies out there and of course I’m always interested in seeing something I’ve never heard of. Especially so we can review it for Indie Film Cafe. When I saw the trailer for it I was blown away. There was no way this movie could be nearly as bad as the trailer made it come off as. But yes this movie was sooooo terrible that I was just flabbergasted that it even existed.

So what’s wrong with the movie? Well, the first question really should be: What’s right? I mean it feels like someone who may have watched one faith based film in their life try to make a faith based film themselves. A big problem is the fantasy element. If you’re gonna have demons and people descended from Angels there’s needs to be more explanation than just, “I was descended from angels and that’s why I have this power”. That kind of stuff just doesn’t fly in screenplays. You need more structure.

A lot of the movie is the main character Dr. Micah and his different patients who come to his house (they couldn’t afford an office) and he gives them arbitrary things to do to fix it. Things that really make no sense but apparently make sense to this movie. The director Johnnie Baker Jr. is a cousin of Sidney Poitier and of course makes sure people know that as much as possible. I don’t think Sidney even wanted to be anywhere involved when he was still alive.

With all honesty children could make a better faith based film than this film. But what I will do is give them credit for making a movie period. It had a beginning, a very long middle, and a weird ass ending so it was actually a movie. The rest of the stuff that happened to this movie you can listen to our podcast and find out.

And the scores are in: And we all gave it a resounding 10. Was it a 10 Plus… nahhh… I mean we gave it a ten like The Room or a movie of that nature would get. But in the Ladder of Stink it does join some of the worst of the worst including: Fateful Findings, Zombie Cop, Killer Biker Chicks, Hanuman and the Five Kamen Riders, and many more… tho it’s not nearly as bad and unwatchable as Miss Werewolf. At least no one fell asleep

Well thank you all so much and to take it away and tell us more of how to get it Paul will take over….

MOO!!! Here is a trailer. Here is an udder. There is a third on on Vimeo. Both of these are as “Souls”. As previously mentioned, you can git yer hooves on this frisky lil puppy on Oldies.com. They has an 11 x 17 poster too. You can also get this on the re-sale market on Ebay. Dat’s about it, folks, its a dry, dry desert for this particular moovie out there, even in Interwebzland. Johnnie Baker JR, cowever, has a channel on Youtube. And he wants you to know that he has moovie-making skillz. There is an interesting video interview with him as well HERE. He owns Platinum Kiss Enterprises, a media company in da Philly/NJ area. Check out his Vimeo channel as well! And check out this kewl release of the flick in 2018. AND, he’s FOR HIRE!!!

I mean, c’mon: its a whole moovie about butt jokes, and butts, and farts, and poo, and buttocks, and taints, and, well, huge hairy bottoms. What cud possibly go wrong with a moovie like that? Well, check out the latest wacky episode of Indie Film Cafe, where Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host actress Jackey Hall grab out butts and check out this bizarre, over the top ass-muncher of a moovie, and see what the all the hubbub is about! ;=8)

It cud be a whole lot better in Waldo Williams’ world: his wife is cheating on him, his weird friends at work are making life difficult, and, to make matters infinitely worse, when he goes on vacation with his wife to add a lil moore sparkle back into the relationship he ends up getting but-raped by a bad CGI Mexican Butt-Humping Bullfrog. You know, as you do. THEN, his wife tries to kill him, he gets radiation poisoning from a bad Japanese scientist, and then his BUTT GROWS HUGE AND STARTS TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!!
:=8O

Cow cud you not love a story like that??? :=8D

Well, ok, let’s take a breath here. The acting is…a bit over the top. I know, shocking. The comedy is very hit or miss. Moostly miss. And the FX are…well, less that special. Mark Pirro is the Writer, Producer, and Director, and he’s given the world such stinky classics as A Polish Vampire in Brooklyn, Curse of the Queerwolf, and Nudist Colony of the Dead, so we know what we’re getting ourselves into. BUTT he has never graced the world with such a story as this before, in fact no one has! I dunno cow Alfred Hitchcock passed up the chance to write a moovie about a guy who has to run around and prove his innocence by sowing that his RECTUM is responsible for the murders around town, and not him. You so missed yer chance, Hitchy!

Waldo is played by the awesome Bill Devlin whom we know from such films as Factory Accident Sex, 12/12/12, and the spectacularly bad and udderly mooovelous Blood Predator, and his skills go a loooong way to making this moovie a lot of fun! Jean Black plays a Clarice Starling wanna-be detective, Tyrone Dubose plays messed-up buddy Johnny Pecks, and good ol’ Michael R. Thomas (Bite Me!, Dr. Horror’s Erotic House of Idiots, Spiderbabe) plays Wanger, a sort of Lone Chaney Jr as a werewolf wanna-be. So loads of folks we know very well indeed, and this moovie did not disappoint. Silly, wacky, and thoroughly without any good taste whatsoever, this is the perfect stinker to plop on after a hard day at work when you just wanna turn your brain to DH and have a fun time with yer friends. Because we all love dopey schoolboy butt humor, deep down inside, so why not wallow in it once in a while! ;=8)

Well, the votes are in, and as expected Rectuma scored pretty low, because EVERYONE loves butt humor! Moody went with a 4, MooCow scored it a 3.5, and Ms. Jackey Hall awarded her lowest score EVER on this show with a 2, giving the unstoppable Rectuma a total Stink Score of 9.5, and that’s a Stinky Average of only 3.2! On the Ladder of Stink this moovie nestles in quite nicely right between Sledgehammers at Dawn and both Bite Me! and White Wolves. Cow a-butt that!!
:=8D

We gots yer trailerage right HERE. And you can see the first 9 minutes for free on Youtube! And yes, you can stream it on Tubi! If yuo wanna git yer mitts on a physical copy, but the DVD from Mark Pirro himself on his website! It comes with director’s commentary, behind the scenes footage, highlights of its 2003 premiere, theatrical trailer and four tv spots! You can also get it from Amazon, Grindhouse Video, and re-sale on Ebay. There is no blu ray yet, BUTT they are working on remastering the film, hopefully for a buttload of HD releases soon! Git the digital poster at Cinematerial.com! Git the colorful Japanese poster also at Cinematerial.com! Git an oooo-riginal vintage poster right from Mark Pirro himself on his website! And EBAY has one autographed by the man himself! You can get the actual Ass Plugger 2000 prop from the moovie!!! You can get Hi and Nee’s red dresses too! and $1500 bucks will git you the ORIGINAL Giant Butt prop from the moovie itself!!!! There’s udder stuff from the moovie on Mark Pirro’s site too, check it out!
:=8D

Well, here at Indie Film Cafe, we love big ol’ butts, and we cannot lie, and we love big, weird, stinky Giant Butt moovies too, to take our word for it and go see Rectuma if yer looking for weird, silly, stinky fun!
:=8D

Save us Max Hell, SAVE US!!!! And save us, Donald G. Jackson, from Boring Hollywood Remake Hell, as only you and Scott Shaw can! PLUS, special guest appearance by Joe Estevez, Conrad Brooks, and everyone’s favorite plastic purple gator, ROLLER GATOR!!! Yep, this episode has it all, and Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Johnny Johnson are here to talk about this post-apocalyptic desert ‘everybody’s wearing sunglasses for no apparent reason’ classic Toad Warrior, only on Indie Film Cafe!

In a grim, desolate future America, the world has been wiped out by the Toad Plague, and only MAX HELL can save the last of humanity from the evil clutches of Estevez‘s Mickey O’ Malley and his goon squad of…well, poorly costumed frogs left over from Hell Comes to Frogtown, and a few hot chicks with swords. I mean, there are far worse ways to go, know what I mean? Oh yeah, Conrad Brooks and Roller gator pop in for a cameo too. Max Hell is Scott Shaw‘s sun glasses-toatin’, samurai sword-fightin’, black suit in the blazing sun wearin’ version of Max Rockatansky from the Mad Max franchise, sort of the Dollar Store version. But its ok, Dollar Store Max Hell is pretty darn fun too, and you won’t mind the bad costumes, tarps used as caves, cheap plastic guns, or any of the udder budget issues surrounding this film because, as usual, Shaw and Jackson somecow manage to make these desert sand-poor moovies fun and enjoyable and interesting.

The story behind this one is a doozie, since apparently, according to Scott Shaw himself, this cut of the film was not up to their lofty standards and was not supposed to be released, and then someone sold it anycow, and released it anyways – hate it when that happens! Anycow, the real version of this film is actually called Max Hell: Frog Warrior, and it is a fairly different cut from this film, and is probably a better film – but we still kind of like this cheaper, stinkier version, moostly because it was the only one we had at the studio! There is also a First Cut version of the film called the Zen Cut, which I is dying to check out as well! And don’t forget, snuggle X-rated actress Jill Kelly is in here too!

Anytime you team up Donald G. Jackson and Scott Shaw with Joe Estevez, yer gonna come up with B moovie gold – now you toss in Conrad Brooks and Baby Gator as well, heckers you’ve got B moovie PLATINUM! John Johnson absolutely loved this flick, while Moody and the MooCow also enjoyed it, although they also pointed out the film’s many stinky bona fides too. This flick got a 6 from Moody, an 8 from the MooCow, and, for an Indie Film Cafe FIRST, a -1 from John Johnson, because he liked the film soooo much he wanted it to score well. That gives Toad Warrior an overall Stink Score of 13, and that’s a Stinky Average of 4.3 – on the Ladder of Stink, Toad Warrior nestles in right below Vampire’s Kiss, and right above Now You Know and Polymorph.

Well, since this was not supposed to be released, there is no trailer of this version of the film, although there is one for Max Hell: Toad Warrior right HERE. And you can check out that Zen First Cut HERE as well. There is also a short, B&W SILENT moovie version of this film as well, because you just can’t get enough Max Hell VS Froggies! And for the love of god, hie thee hither to Scott Shaw’s amazing website, it is LOADED with tons of great stuff, including a whole section devoted to the history of Toad Warrior! From there you can get the Streaming version from Kunaki.com, and also stream it through Amazon Prime. Good luck finding it on DVD though, the only place this cow knows of is as part of a 4-pack compilation dvd called Girls From Another World, which is both expensive and out of print, and is moost likely the group who bootlegged the unofficial version from Jackson and Shaw in the first place. It also has Roller Gator and Big Sister 2000, which are also Shaw/Jackson classics, but its always best to get those moovies from the authentic source, if possible. There is no mech or schwag with this film either, I am sorry to say, but do check out the Shaw website for stuff related to Max Hell Frog Warrior, and get it all from there.

I mean, c’mon…we all need a little moore Conrad Brooks and Baby Gator in our lives, right??
;=8)

Hey everybody… Jonathan Moody back here again. This time to talk about the 1998 flick, “Boltneck” AKA Teen Monster or Big Monster on Campus. Whatever you might know it as. I’ve been dying to do this flick for so long because I absolutely loved it when I first saw it. It’s not a very stinky movie as you will hear later but I knew Paul would not want to sit through it because its about teenagers – and we should all know by now how he truly feels about movies with teenagers as the protagonists. So I asked two of my beautiful special guests to come on… Liz Fletcher and MeeChee Hazen. Both of them have never met before so it was a fun discussion! I wasn’t entirely sure what they would think of it. But check out the latest IFC episode to hear their full thoughts.

Here is what IMDB says: 

At a party, one student gets picked on and ends up getting thrown into a pool that has no water in it. Frank, a geek, retrieves a brain from his father’s lab and agrees to let the boy have it in exchange for a chance to hang with the popular crowd. The brain, it turns out, originally belonged to a serial killer. As the teen monster goes haywire, popular Macy becomes romantically involved with former geek Frank– Anonymous 

The cast is one of my favorites: Frank Stein is played by Matthew Lawrence (yes, one of the Lawrence brothers… most notably in my favorite series Boy Meets World). I am sure his middle name was something with an N, Frank N Stein. Ryan Reynolds plays  Karl O’Reilly who is very convincing as a shy goth kid who after being killed his brain is swapped with a serial killer who is so happy to get a second chance at life. Christine Lakin plays Macy who is Frank’s crush. Justin Walker and Christian Payne are the two bullies who killed Karl. Shelley Duvall and Judge Reinhold are a lot of fun as Frank’s parents. Charles Fleisher (who if that name sounds familiar its because he does the voice of Roger Rabbit) plays an awkward teacher. And one of my favorite actors Richard Moll (From TV’s Night Court) is Karl’s drunken and abusive dad. 

This is very much a Teen Young Frankenstein… maybe you can call it An Even Younger Frankenstein. Ryan Reynolds is his typical Ryan Reynolds self but this was before he got super famous for being in Van Wilder. All the cast did an exceptional job. For a movie that was for the most part lacking in budget it seemed to make up for in a fun comedic script. The writer was Dave Payne who  wrote films before like “Concealed Weapon”, “Alien Terminator”, and Criminal Hearts”. I think this was a very well crafted screenplay. Though I do wanna look up Alien Terminator and maybe do that someday for Indie Film Cafe. 

The direction of this movie felt very normal. Not any kind of style but the director had a lot of fantastic people to work with so he was able to do a great job. Mitch Marcus is credited as the director and Sharkzilla director John Blush is uncredited, but I have no idea the full story on that. Whether the director was fired or replaced or just the other director was called in to help out. Sadly there’s no story about it on the IMDB trivia and to my knowledge there are no DVDs or Blu Rays with commentary as a special feature. Though that would be an interesting thing to find out and research. If anyone knows any information about that please contact us at indiefilmcafe@gmail.com .Overall though this movie was just a lot of fun. It has cracked me up and my other guests seemed to enjoy it as well… so on to the scores:

The Scores are in… And as I said I really loved it and of course gave it the lowest score of 2. MeeChee Hazen loved it close enough and gave it a 2.5. But Liz was a bit harsher on it and gave it a 4.. For a stink score of 8.5. Not too shabby. Interestingly enough this is the first in the ladder of stink to get an 8.5. I am sure it will not be the only one though. But hey something has to start it all. 

And there ya have it thank you guys so much for checking this out and the Moo Cow is going to tell you all how you can get your hooves on a copy of this flick… Take it away, Paul….

Moo! So HERE is the trailer, udder the name Teen Monster. Ughhh, teenagers…. :=8P
You can watch this zit-faced nonsense for free on YOUTUBE, or be prepared to pony up some dough to git yer hooves on the DVD from AMAZON or via re-sale on Ebay. Cinematerial.com has the digital poster of the film, and dat’s pretty mooch it for schwag since this moovie is pretty mooch an non-entity. Horror Society did a review of the film back in the day, and Looper did a ranking of all 44 of Ryan Reynolds’ moovies, worst to best, and this one got pegged as worst, so there’s that.