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Episode 67: Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)

Oh no! Its Attack of the Bitey Puppets!!!
:=8O

Yes, the kids at Indie Film Cafe have hopped into their Way Back machine yet again, this time to ye olde 1985, for a mid-eighties crappy lil’ monster stinker called Attack of the Beast Creatures, AKA Hell Island, and this is one little stinker you don’t want to miss! So what would YOU do if your 1920’s Titanic cosplay group landed on a fake ‘island’, only to be swarmed upon and bitten cowstantly by a mob of toothy, biting puppets with no irises? Aside from laugh, I mean? ;=8) Well, Moody, the MooCow, and special guest host Ri-Maku (marking her maiden voyage upon the stinky waters of Indie Film Cafe!) watch in disbelief in our latest EPISODE!

We so hungwy NOM NOM NOM!!!

Some backstory: this is a moovie made by a troupe of amateurs from Cownecticut who had a nice idea about a guy getting his face burned off with acid (as you do…), who decided to expand this story into…well, this raging epic puppet monster flick. I mean, for those of you who can recall, the eighties was simply awash with stinky monster puppet flicks of various kinds and quality, including Munchies, Critters, Ghoulies, Beasties, etc., all the way down the evolutionary chain into the slimy mucky dreggy bottoms with Hobgoblins – all thanks to the success of Joe Dante’s Gremlins, who showed in 1984 that stupid little puppet critter moovies cud make a fortune off of the Regan-era moovie-going public, who were moore than willing to toss their moolah at anything on screen. And so every budding hack with a camera and a raggedy sock puppet started to churn ’em out like rancid butter, and Director/Producer Michael Stanley said “hold my beer, gimme a try!” And the rest was puppet history!

BITE BITE BITE!!!

So what exactly ARE these Beast Creatures? I mean, aside from bitey puppets? Well, they have weird eyes – which might make sense if they were nocturnal and cudn’t see in the light of day, but no, they attack when the sun is out too. And they wear little…loincloths, presumably to cover their little…bits and pieces. Or hands, its hard to tell. They have no tool-making ability and carry no weapons, but they dig pit traps with sharpened spikes and worship a carved stone idol. Its a weird society: every member seems to be the same thing, a creature that bites everything that mooves, sort of like a mean-spirited Chihuahua.

We Bite! We Bite!

And man-o-schewitz, do they bite! That’s pretty mooch the plot in a nutshell: buncha lost human jerky get bit until moost of ’em die. Oh, and did I mention the island is also riddled with pools of flesh-melting acid? You get some serious high school biology class articulated skeleton action here. And when these things run, they are…amazing.

Ok, its better to get bit…

Well, the votes are in , and the Indie Film Cafe kids managed to endure the biting stink off of this one! Yer old pal the MooCow went with a 8.5, while Moody chipped in with an 8, while poor Ri-Maku, enduring her first IFC flick, went with a 7 – that gives Attack of the Bitey Puppets…errrr, Beast Creatures, a total Stink Score of 23.5, and a Stink Average of 7.8! On the Ladder of Stink, this mangy muppet moovie sits just udder the likes of Baby Ghost and the Sinister Urge, and ties with the Creeping Terror and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers! Pretty stinky stuff, but not nearly Neil Breen territory. Oh Neil, PLEEEEASE make a puppet moovie!!! ;=8)

Check out the trailerage on YOUTUBE. There is a nifty fan edit too. In fact, the whole flick is on Youtube as well. Dis is a notoriously hard-to-find flick; it was never released on DVD (!!!), and VHS copies are rare and expensive, even when they do pop up on Uncle Amazon. But trust us, if you come across a copy of this flick you need to git yer hooves on it! Someday, if there is justice in the universe, this moovie will have a proper DVD or Blu Ray release. In the meantime, you can cowsole yerself with one of these kewl posters.

I think he finally got the point. Hehhh…

Well, if yer looking for a fun, bat shit crazy bitey puppet moovie (and who isn’t?), we here at Indie Film Cafe heartily recowmend this beastly Beast Creature moovie! Just bring a pokey stick or something so you can fight back, just a bit…

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