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Episode 37: Vampire Cop (1990)

vampiecop

Hay, you’ve got your cop in my vampire moovie!  No, you have a vampire in my cop moovie!  Two great tastes that taste awful when cowbined together!  Yes, its the late 1980’s/early 1990’s, that Jurassic park of Straight-to-Video horror moovie swamps that just seems to have no bottom.  Weirder things than Vampire Cop have slithered up from its inky depths, but not by much.  Director Donald Farmer, he who gave the world such stinky classics as “Cannibal Hookers”, “Shark Exorcist”, and the always-fun “Chainsaw Cheerleaders “, offered us this prize back in 1990, when the world needed it so very mooch.  The always-erudite Joe Bob Briggs perhaps said it best about this moovie: ““Twelve breasts. Twelve dead bodies. Multiple neck fanging. Double vampire sex in a bathtub! Joe Bob says check it out!”.  If that is not a ringing endorsement, then I dunno what is!  behold our latest IFC PODCAST and see what all the moaning and hand wringing is about!

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Rahhh!  I’m a Vampire!  Really!  Check out these fangs!  Rahhh!

Ed Cannon plays Vampire Cop Lucas, and if you’ve never herd of him before, well, that’s mainly because, as far as this cow can tell, he never worked in the biz before or after (apart from producing “Jam Party Remixed” in 2010, whatever the heck that was).  he wasn’t particularly cowvincing as either a cop OR a vampire, but his hairspray really made his hair stay in place.  So there’s that.  Next we have the always-lovely Melissa Moore (“Hard to Die”, “Samurai Cop”, “Bimbo Penitentiary”), who plays Melanie Roberts, the cute, intrepid tv reporter who just wanders wherever the hell she wants to, and can find Lucas the instant she wants him – like your worst nightmare girlfriend come to life.

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You can’t hide from me, I know EXACTLY where you are!

Together, they must fight corrupt local ‘business man’ Hans Geiger, an oily drug dealer with a smooth voice who ends up melting into a pizza steak after HE becomes a vampire, and gets dragged into the sun by our boy Lucas.  His nerdly, pencil-neck geek henchman looks like he should be selling shoes in a mall rather than menacing people with chainsaws, but there it is.  Oh, and there is a guy who spends like 6 days in a bathtub… Featuring copious udder action, horrible 80’s moosic and wardrobes, mootiple slow-motion shots, grainy 16mm film, and the same scenes recycled and shown over and over and over again, this horror cheapie is clearly one for the record books.

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Whaddya want for lunch, pizza?  Lasagna?  Something with cheese?

If you asked Hitler if he wanted to see Vampire Cop in the bunker just before they lit his ass on fire with gasoline, I am sure he’d reply “Nein, Nein Nein!!” – which is exactly what the Indie Film Cafe crew scored for this film!  Moody, Lenore, and the MooCow all gave nines to this ridiculous vampire/law enforcement mash-up, which scores a full 27 on the Stinkometer, and averages out to a full 9.0.  Stinky, for sure, but also cowsistant!

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We got out trailerage right HERE.  Git yer hooves on a copy from the Amazon.  Better yet, get it from SRS Cinema, to get the Director’s cut!  Amazon also has a limited edition Blu Ray, in which only 100 will be sold, so HURRY!  SRS will also sell you a clam shell VHS version, if that’s what tickles your pickle.  Get the Czech version too, if you’ve a mind for it.  Need a big Vampire Cop poster?  Sure, we all do!  Pick yours up HERE!

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Didn’t I see that in The Howling?

If yer looking for prime late 80’s/early 90’s straight-to-video cheese, with oodles of boobage, vamp action, and non-descript guys eating bananas or lounging in bathtubs, then we here at Indie Film Cafe say we have the moovie for you!  Check out Vampire Cop today!
:=8D

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