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Episode 93: Miss Werewolf (2001)

Ok, the MooCow really went above and beyond this time – and Just Jenn may never forgive him! Sooner or later it was inevitable that we would cover the self-proclaimed “Ed Wood of the 90’s”, the one and ONLY David “The Rock” Nelson, the maverick filmmaker from Des Plains, IL, who has been making his “monster movies” for lo some 25 years now – and they are…something to behold. Moost of ’em are quite short, and therefore not subject to our normal Indie Film Cafe boundaries (for moovies less than an hour check out our Short Review Saturdays!) But Moody, the MooCow, and the moost unfortunate Just Jenn did manage to watch a full 2 hours and 45 minutes of Miss Werewolf, and the howls of excruciating pain and anguish were simply legendary! Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe, which also happens to be our Season 4 finale, and behold the torment and suffering and woe!

So, let’s be very clear about a few things here: this is NOT a standard film, at all, and it doesn’t even bother to approach the world like one. For example, because the Rock is loathe to allow empty time on his tapes, he literally fills them up, before and after, with outtakes, trailers, and moostly just random stuff involving him, usually talking on and on about himself, his films, and/or his monster memorabilia cowllection (which is quite impressive!) Which means yer gonna need about 20-25 minutes to wade through this flotsam BEFORE you even get to the moovie itself – in fact, there are a dozen or so times during this period where the Rock himself will show a cue card saying something like “Can we Please Get to the Movie Now!”. Nelson feels your pain, folks, he truly does, he just doesn’t care.

He also doesn’t care about traditional linear storytelling, film-making, or anything else, and so the hot mess he has cobbled together (using what I can only guess is “editing” via two VCRs, where he seems to leave pretty much all takes in the story) unfolds in a way that, the MooCow promises you, you have never seen before – generally because udder directors don’t want you to see such rubbish. But brave artist that he is, the Rock doesn’t care, and he’s gonna show you his monster moovie HIS way, and that just happens to mean lots of yapping, pointless asides, non-sequiturs, muffed takes, random strangers wandering up during the shoot and engaging with the cameraman, etc, etc, etc.

Janet Lynn, long-time girl ‘fiend’ of the Rock, plays…well, herself, who happens to also be Miss Werewolf, a curious creature who will suddenly and without warning ‘transform’ into the vicious killer who will attack wandering drunks, plastic snakes and bats, and even bar patrons. Heck, she even goes after Hillary Clinton at one point! Bet you never saw a Universal monster do that!

Words simply cannot convey the jaw-dropping cheapness of the ‘special’ effects, costumes, acting, cinematography, lighting, script, or pretty mooch everything else in this film. Miss Werewolf is a moovie that is beyond such critiques, and it pretty mooch has broken the Stinkometer – to say nothing of poor Just Jenn’s psyche! At the end of this rambling, incowherent ridiculous mess of a monster moovie, the MooCow was lucky to leave the studio with his fuzzy cow-splotched hide still intact!

COWEVER…it is still a fun flick to check out, and if you like outsider entertainment and fans of the eccentric, the strange, and the just plain weird, like da MooCow, then this is right up your dark, scary alley! The man has out Ed Wooded Ed Wood, and that is an accomplishment that simply moost be admired and appreciated!

The Rock himself is on hand to play…pretty mooch himself, in characters such as Detective Rock, mad scientist Doctor Weirdo, and…ummm…Rocksella, who is the Rock in a dress with, errrr, squarish boobage and a wig. Abandon all hope ye who enter.

Anycow, there is lots of air clawing death all over the Chicago area, loads of folks pretend to get killed on film for the Rock, local newscasters have their words taped over by the Rock to make it seem like their talking about the Miss Werewolf murders, and ummmm…yeah, that’s about 140 minutes or so. Trust me, for some of you out there (looking at you Moody!), this is going to be sheer punishment, the likes of which the Geneva cowvention should probably ban. But if you have some patience, and a wide, wide latitude towards moovies, well…this is the perfect moovie to end an Indie Film Cafe season on, even if yer friends come out of it dazed like a couple of clubbed baby seals. Like moost Christmas gifts, its the thought that cownts!

Yeah. There was no way this flick was gonna get scored by anyone as anything less than 10, so Miss Werewolf immediately shoots up to a 30, and according to Just Jenn (“This is the worst movie ever…EVER!!!”) it should probably be scored MOOCH higher. Toldja, we broke the Stinkometer! So, Miss Werwolf slots in nicely along side Hanuman and the Five Riders, pretty mooch every Neil Breen moovie we ever covered, and a bunch of udder disasters, but the MooCow is here to tell you: NONE of them comes close to Miss Werewolf, a film which is in a class all by itself!

I’m sorry, guys, there is no trailer, no swag, no place on earth you can git yer hooves on a copy of this glorious monstrosity, except through the man himself – fiend him on Facebook, and I am sure he will gladly sell you a copy of Miss Werewolf, and any and all of his udder flicks. Do buy them as the proceeds go towards making moore monster moovies, and the world needs moore of them, now moore than ever! He is on Youtube as well, posting all kinds of videos about all kinds of stuff – its a serious rabbit hole there, but you can spend some fun time checking them all out! Nelson is also friends with the Psychotronic Film Society, which gets name-dropped in Miss Werewolf – I’m not certain it is still an active site at this point (although it should be!), but check it out because u never know, and because there is lots of David the Rock Nelson info there! He also featured on Bleeding Skull, Vice, No Budget Nightmares, and can also be seen on John Stewart! In Chicago he is known as the King of the Creature Feature, and he pops up all the time on Chicago’s super station WGN! The man is living proof of what a love of stinky moovies and dedication can do, if no one stops you!

Well, it was a long, strange season here at Indie Film Cafe, and hopefully there will be many, many moore to come – and a few moore Rock moovies to cover too! In the meantime, welcome to 2022, and let’s try to make it the stinkiest year yet!
:=8D

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