Episode 73: Alien Beasts (1991)

Oh ye gods, what straaaaaaange looking-glass have the Indie Film Cafe kids stepped through this time, and cow will they survive? No strangers to abysmally bad, weird films, this might be the one to top ’em all! What are we talking about? Why none udder than 1991’s Alien Beasts, by the 1980’s SOV-weirdness king himself, Carl J. Sukenick – may all udder lesser schlockmeisters bow down before him! Cud this be the Holy Grail of Stink? Intrepid moovie explorers Jonathan Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Director John Ward (Axemas I & II) put on their Wellingtons, strap on hip waders, and dive right into the bottomless muck to give you all the scoop on this cinematic poop! Trust the MooCow, you do NOT want to miss this Very Special Episode of Indie Film Cafe! :=8D

Ummmm….yeah, this is a taste of what’s coming. Start drinking…

So, this is usually the spot in the review where we talk about what the film is about – but since this film gleefully goes out of its way to cowpletely obscure whatever weird unhinged fever dream might have prompted this film, the plot is basically “Yer Guess is as Good as Mine” (SHRUG). There are aliens, kind of, terrorists from Iran (supposedly), the CIA (not really…), some really bad 80’s canned rap moosic, a narrator who describes everything you see, and re-says the same lines over and over, there are some poorly choreographed fisticuffs between….who the hell knows, ’cause we witness it from about 1,000 yards away, there is some cheap gore, some skeezy nudity, and, best of all, there is a very trippy, psychedelic claymation / GI Joe doll mash-up ending that…is a thing that is there.

Honestly, the best description of this film is if you can imagine an alien who has heard of this concept of a ‘movie’ on earth, and without any background or context or information about the topic at all, the alien makes his own ‘movie’ based on a theoretical cowcept that makes perfect sense to the alien, but none to the actual humans. This cow certainly does not believe that Carl J. Sukenick has ever seen a single moovie in his life, not when every single basic element of film making, storytelling, and just plain old logic is snuffed out like a ladybug trampled by some giant drunken insane troll. Nope. No, no, no, no, and no. The troll would have made a moore cowherent film.

Behold the exciting and intense action scenes!

WOW, so you might expect something this weird, terrible, and cowfusing would pretty mooch score tens all around, wouldn’t you? Not so fast, mein freind! While Moody and the MooCow (rightfully!) awarded 10’s for this fiasco (and would have awarded 20’s if they cud), special co-host John Ward was charmed by the film’s absolute refusal to be competent in any way, shape, or form – it is the ultimate antidisestablishmentarian film! Well, maybe not, but we were all shocked when he awarded the film a 5! Now that still gives Alien Beasts a Stink Score of 25, and a Stinky Average of 8.3, but honestly we were figuring Neil Breen was going to be knocked from his lofty perch up there among the 10’s. On the Ladder of Stink, Alien Beasts is right there tied with Ankle Biters, Cat Women of the Moon and Prehistoric Bimbos from Armageddon City – pretty lofty stink company right there, but certainly a surprise to the rest of us!

There is a trailer – if you really wanna see what a sneak peek into HELL looks like, then go for it, but you have been warned. Some kind soul, potentially Sukenick himself, has uploaded the film for free onto Youtube, which is awesome because now everyone can, and should, behold the glory that is Alien Beasts. Previously you could only git yer hot little hooves on a copy of his work by mail order right from the man himself, magazines, or via bootleg vhs copies at horror cowventions. There are occasional releases of his work, but they sell out. Tapes on Ebay are expensive. Hopefully some moore of his work will make it into the general public soon because you gotsta see this stuff, folks. I mean, its bad, really bad, but its also extremely entertaining, in that best train wreck kind of way that you simply cannot take your eyes off of. These days Carl is an artist, living in Moo York City – you can see a cowllection of his art (for sale!) at the Community Art Collective website. And if you are at all cowcerned that aliens with 16 noses are going to screw up the US mail (and you should be!), check THIS out!

There was definitely not enough of this chick in the film, although choosing clothes is apparently a chore…

Well, if yer looking for a film that is soooo bad it goes all the way around to good, and then back to bad, and then good, and back again 5 or 6 times, this is the film for you! Trust the MooCow on this one, folks: you ain’t seen nothing like it!

Apparently Carl and David The Rock Nelson are buds! It would be an unjust universe if they weren’t…

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