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Episode 64: It Waits (2005)

It waits! And so will you, if your looking for a scary horror moovie. :=8/
Someone had a story about a Native American monster whacking hikers, and then someone else had a box of unnecessary hand wringing melodrama, and they allowed the drama llama to come in and make the flick all about Danny the Female Forest Ranger and Her Two Best Assets whining about things and stuff, and the horror part of the flick got bored and wandered off to find some fry bread. Or sumthin’. Rescued from the trash heap, this story (which had apparently been around since the 70’s waiting to get made, apparently Tobe Hooper was initially involved) got gussied up and made into a touchy-feely drama with some horror stuff later on. Nuthin’ like a horror moovie where the horror part is secondary.

Ranger Danny is played by Cerina Vincent (Not Another Teen Movie, Cabin Fever, Toxic), a ranger haunted by her past and clearly unable to keep her uniform on. A random dude pops in and says some students woke up a 1,000 year old leathery demon thing with wings (clearly a stuntman in latex) in a cave, and now its slicing and dicing everyone because…its a demon, I guess. Eventually she and Hoppy the Parrot have to fight the demon, since it killed her bland boyfriend, but not before we witness her whine and agonize over her past. A lot. In the latest episode Moody is joined by special guests Sarah Adkins from Horror Film Lovers as well as model and actress Tris Marie as they discuss this indie flick from 2005.

Hello, I am the scary part of your moovie – you’ll be waiting for me for a while…

So this flick was shot in British Cowlumbia and directed by Steven R. Monroe (Sasquatch Mountain, Mongolian Death Worm, and the I Spit on Your Grave remake), and was originally written by Richard Christian Matheson, son of the great Richard Matheson who wrote I am Legend, Hell House, Omega Man, and loads of udder famous sci-fi. Lil Matheson is known for writing for televison on such shows as Knight Rider, BJ and the Bear, Hardcastle and McCormick, and The Incredible Hulk, and also for the magazines Amazing Stories and Tales From The Crypt. But then Stephen J. Cannell got the rights and changed the script, turning the male lead into a female one, and added in the love story and floofy stuff, and the demon (part Pumpkinhead, part Jeepers Creepers) got pushed into the background, where he’s still waiting to emerge. I dunno where the weird talking parrot part comes from…

Danny’s Wonderbra is absolutely essential to the development of the plot…

Well, the votes are in, and the according to Indie Film Cafe It Waits is kind of…meh. All three reviewers gave the flick a 5, deciding that it wasn’t too bad, but not very good either, which puts the moovie at a Stink Score of 15, and a Stinky Average of, well…5, tying with Santa’s Slay on the Ladder of Stink. Pretty much everyone agreed that they’d seen both worse and better, and It Waits was pretty much a middle-of-the-road horror-drama. I am pretty sure everyone can agree on one thing: Hoppy the Parrot was the best part of the film! There should have been moore Hoppy. That was the relationship that should have been explored. Danny loves Hoppy, she cares about Hoppy, she worries about Hoppy. Hoppy can talk. Hoppy rocks!

Trailerage can be seen right HERE. You can git yer hooves on the dvd from Amazon, or bid on it at Ebay, or get it from Wally World if it floats yer boat. Or get the blu ray. Its on Prime as well, and you can watch it for free on Tubi, although that isn’t going to pay for poor Hoppy’s seeds. The kewl moovie poster can be found HERE, and the less-kewl poster HERE. Check out the cringey soundtrack HERE. and also HERE.

You prefer Hoppy to me don’t you, DON’T YOU!!???!!

Well, there are genuinely worse horror flicks out there than It Waits, but there are better ones out there too. If you’ve got some time to waste and don’t need to think too much, and you have a fascination with cute parrots, this may be the film for you. The IFC kids say check it out!
:=8)

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