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Episode 48: Zombie Cop (1991)

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Ackkkk!  He’s a zombie!  He’s a cop!!  He’s ZOMBIE COP!!!  and he’s not looking for doughnuts!
:=8o

Yep, it seems our boy in blue gets killed when he gets into a shoot out with a voodoo priest named Doctor Death (hint: if yer doctor is named Doctor Death you might wanna find an-udder physician…) – both of them rise form the grave and become shabbily dressed zombies: Doc Death wants world domination, of course, and Zombie Cop wants to stop him!  Fun and shenanigans follows.  Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe EPISODE to hear all the moans and groans of pain and suffering.

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Ummmm…are we sure this isn’t Mummy Cop??  :=8/

Soooo, this is the Indie Film Cafe’s second go with Tempe’s J.R. Bookwater (joining Season 2’s review of Polymorph), and, well, let’s just say this this season’s offering is somewhat moore…odoriferous.  :=8P  Honestly, this is one of Tempe‘s early, no-budget stinkers, and it is sooooo bad that Bookwater himself pretty moooch disowned it.  The acting,  cinematography, editing, and moosic are all quite bad, but its the extended scene padding that really turns this stinker from a misdemeanor to a felony (see what i did there?).  But check out that hot zombie cop action!
Yeah, its pretty mooch a snoozefest here, folks, and that is not good.  Neil Breen, are you hearing some footsteps??

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Ok, seriously: curtains or dashiki – YOU decide!

Wow.  Moody, Leila, and Bobby were stunned like dead carp after this one; Leila might actually have become broken, curled up in a fetal position on the ground sobbing unconcowtrollably into her Coke Zero.  Moody was looking to up his stink game for IFC, and it seems he found the right one.  Tens all around!  Finally, we have a cowtendor to Neil Breen as to the stinkiest crapfest in moovie history!  That’s a 30 on the Stinkometer, folks, and an average Stink Score of 10.

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Trailerage is right HERE.  Although hard to find on its own, you can get the Bad Movie Police double feature dvd, sporting both Zombie Cop and Maximum Impact, from yer old pal Uncle Amazon.  For those of you who simply cannot fathom wasting yer hard-earned moolah on such horrific dribble, some kind soul has uploaded Zombie Cop to the Tube of You.  And clearly you need to be drinking your joe out of a zombie cop mug while you watch, because why the heck not??  Ciao!  Get yer Italian moovie-inspired Zombie Cop POSTER to decorate your room too, whydoncha?

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You have a right to remain…stinky as hell.

Maybe its because cop costumes are cheap as hell, but there were a LOT of bad cop horror moovies in the 80’s and 90’s, and even later, (Maniac Cop, Demon Cop, Psycho Cop, Vampire Cop, etc..), but Zombie Cop cud very well be the worst offender of them all!  Its an early cowtender for worst moovie in Season 3, will an-udder stinker rise to the challenge?  Stay tuned to find out!
;=8)

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Episode 47: Baby Ghost (1995)

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Oh my my my.  “Baby Ghost”.  What a moovie!  But cow cud anything made with the star power of Donald G. Jackson, Joe Estevez, and Conrad Brooks , the folks who gave us the amazing Roller Gator, even come close to failing?  Well when yer titular ‘baby ghost’ is little moore than a puppet on a string, projected off-camera, and your actors have to pretend to be terrified of it…yeah, and it all goes down hill from there.  But what a snazzy little theme song!  Listen to the latest Indie Film Cafe PODCAST, this time from the glitz and glamor of Los Angeles, to hear what you’ve been missing!  Oh, and grab yerself a few doughnts, and maybe a shot or two, yer gonna need ’em!

;=8)

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I’m  a Scary Ghost!  No, really!  STOP LAUGHING AT MEEE!!!

Joe Estavez, Conrad Brooks, and Erin O’Bryan try their best, but the script (!!!) gives them virtually nothing to do except bumble incompetently and pretend to be afraid of this ridiculous, green, giggling off-screen puppet on a string.  The unfunny “Home Alone” wannabe New York robbers and amateur kid actors make things even worse.  And, as usual, there are lots of inappropriate music clips in the background, selected, one assumes, not from their quality but because they must have been free.  If you cud imagine “Home Alone”, “Ghost Busters”, and “Baby Geniuses” put in a blender, and set on puree, this is pretty mooch what you’d get!  Poorly filmed, poorly lit, and poorly written, “Baby Ghost” is nonetheless a lot of stinky fun!

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Look, if we keep smiling for only 1 more hour we’ll end the filming and get out of this apartment complex!

Well, yer old pal the MooCow cudn’t help himself, and awarded “Baby Ghost” an 8.5, while newly west coast ensconced Moody gave it a 9.5.  Our new LA Confidential, Leila Toba, felt moore generous, and awarded the film a 6, giving the film a Stink Total of 24, and a Stink Average of 8.0!  Pretty stinky stuff, but not quite Neil Breen territory.

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Well, there is kind of a trailer for this film HERE, although it may not be 100% serious.  The always fun Everything is Terrible bunch did a fun 3 minute Baby Ghost mash-up HERE.  You can watch the glory for yourself on Amazon Prime, and its only a $1.99!!!  Or hie thee hither to Scott Shaw’s website to get yer hooves on yer own physical copy!  And if yer like poor Leila, and you can’t get the boppy theme moosic out of your head, check out this VIDEO.

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Everyone’s coming for some Baby Ghost goodness!

Ok, “Baby Ghost” is a very bad film where not mooch happens – but it is always great fun to see Joe Estevez and Conrad Brooks working with Donald G. Jackson and Scott Shaw: they just don’t make ’em like this anymoore!  So, does that mean the 3rd in the Jackson/Shaw Kiddie Trilogy, “Little Lost Sea Serpent” will be making a future appearance on Indie Film Cafe???  You’ll just have to keep on watching…
;=8)

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Episode 46: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

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Hey everybody, Jonathan A Moody here with a pretty fun show… Paul and I traveled across the country to move me to sunny beautiful LA. We are really excited about this because starting next month Paul and I will be splitting the show up. He will be doing it back at the studio in VA and I will be here in CA doing it. So expect some fun episodes a head.

So since I got all that all the way time to talk about the crazy movie we just watched… Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. I figured who better to have as our special guest than G. Larry Butler (You might remember him as Al Purplewood in the Double D Avenger)!

Larry had not had the pleasure of seeing Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers so it was great to have him watch it for the first time. And ohhh boy what a stinker!

It’s a fun movie from the glorious 1980s where B Independent Horror really thrived. Directed by shlockmaster Fred Olen Ray and starring two beautiful busty vixens Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer. And Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s Gunnar Hansen in a very creepy role. This film was pure cheese from start to finish.

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Told as though it were a film noir movie but in a very tongue and cheek kind of way this film had us laughing and drooling the whole time. However, there were a few slow spots through it. And the ending was a bit more lackluster than we were hoping for.

However if you are a B Movie maniac like us its one of those classic films you will wanna have in your collection. We will post links to how to get the Blu Ray which is packed full of amazing content.

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As for the score of the film Paul decided he thought it wasn’t nearly as bad as he’s seen so he had to give it a 6.5. I went a different way and decided it was still a terrible stinker and I couldn’t help but give it a 9. And our special guest G. Larry Butler split it down the middle and gave it an 8. Giving it a total of 23.5 which to start off the season isn’t too bad!

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To purchase your own stinky copy of it check it out right here…

https://www.amazon.com/Hollywood-Chainsaw-Hookers-Blu-ray-Special/dp/B00TKUST90/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Hollywood+Chainsaw+Hookers&qid=1578709115&sr=8-1

And join us next week for Paul’s episode… and trust us when we say… we are keeping it stinky!

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Sick Flick Productions

Horror’s never been so sick
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Episode 45: Twisted Pair (2018)

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Wow.

Just…wow.  Just when you’d thought you’d seen the pinnacle of Stink, here comes a tidal wave of surreal to wash all your previous convictions away forever.  A masterpiece of the WTF, Neil Breen‘s Twisted Pair achieved what we here at the Indie Film Cafe did not think was possible: a second season sweep of the stinkiest moovies we cud watch, and yet an-udder perfect Stink Score – AND, given that there were actually 6 viewers on our end-of-the-year-pajama-party-stinkfest, and ALL 6 of them awarded 10’s, then my friends you have what can only be seen as the perfect Stinky moovie.  To keep things the same s Season 1, we’re only taking the first 3 scores, but even so, this cow is here to tell you that Twisted Pair is a very, very special film – check out our final PODCAST of 2019 to hear it for yourself, and gape at the awe inspiring wonder of Neil Breen!
:=8O

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Ummm…are those really chains, or linked paper clips??

So….just what exactly is Twisted Pair all about?  I have no friggin’ clue.  Literally.  All 6 of us were lost in the sauce with this one, and ohh what a weird sauce it is too!  Ok, some basic stuff we can put our hooves around: there are 2 twin brothers, Kade and Kale; Kade is the good one and Kale (the one with the magnificently fake beard) is the bad one.  Both of them are ‘more humanoid’, whatever the hell that means, and have special powers, but where Kade does a great job, transposing himself into images of leading troops into battle, Kale is evil and bad and some kind of assassin/drug dealer (he sells programmable matter???) who likes to capture CEOs and pretend to torture them.  Their half-hearted moans of (Pain? Slight Discomfort??  Sexual arousal???)…somethin’ is genuinely puzzling.

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Did I mention really bad beards??

Ummm, so, stuff happens, kind of.  What  exactly, I’m really not sure.  Much of the film takes place in what can only politely be described as a local community college, probably somewhere in or near Las Vegas, which is the heavenly body around which Neil Breen floats, like the eye if some drunken, insane Cthulhuian elder god.  There are fake cgi explosions a-plenty, plastic rats who eat crumbs from a bum who never figures into the story,  group of ceramic cats which re-position themselves seemingly at will, and for no explainable reason, plus Tinker Bell, really fake CGI “jumps“, weird acid-soaked lavender backdrops, also for no discernible reason – and so, so much moore! And once again, because we cannot put too fine a point on it, sooooo many bad, terrible, awful fake beards and mustaches!!!  Ok, I know that isn’t much of a plot description, but trust me its kind of like trying to make actual lemonade out of torn bits of incorrectly drawn and bizarrely colored pictures of lemons from the 4th dimension, according to  bind alien who has never seen actual lemons.  Oh, and there is an eagle too!

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Kewl Photoshop Eagle must mean something….

Tens all around.  Perfect 30.  What moore can be said?  And just when you thought nothing cud top Actium Maximus!!!

:=8O

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Well, check out the trailer HERE, but be aware it is literally the tippiest tip of the stink iceberg.  Folks, if you want a copy of this moovie for your cowllection, and I sincerely hope you do, then the ONLY place you can get your hot little hooves on this masterpiece is through the man himself, via THIS WEBSITE.  Trust us, it is oh-so worth it!  It is on the Facebook too.  Some ind soul is selling it on Etsy as well, but I dunno that it is the official version, so beware.

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I am amazing!

Bow down to your new Master, for he is Neil Breen, and there is a little Neil Breen inside all of us screaming to get out.  Buy this film.  Absorb this film.  You will not regret it.

Can Neil Breen make it 3 in a row for season 3 at Indie Film Cafe??  Stay tuned and find out!

;=8)

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Episode 44: Jack Frost (1997)

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Hey everybody… Jonathan Moody here. Taking over for the Moo Cow on my episodes! December being close to Christmas I had to pick a film that would be entertaining for the season. So of course i picked the 1997 killer Snowman movie… Jack Frost… and it was a doozy of an episode. Not to be confused with the 1998 Michael Keaton turned Snowman movie… which is awful but in a less fun kind of way.

When I first picked it I thought man this movie may be lower on our stinkometer. But NOPE it definitely wasn’t. It got a pretty damn high rating.

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STOP…what yer doing and watch this silly killer snowman moovie!

The movie begins with science happening so of course we had our resident science expert Lenore with us. Paul and I had both seen the film but poor Lenore had no clue what she was getting in to.

The movie is about a serial killer named Jack Frost who was sent to be fried. And instead is turned in to a killer snowman and wrecks havoc on the small town of Snowmonton. Yes, you heard that right, Snow-Mon-Ton… Head slaps galore for that one.

The Sheriff of the town who is a little dopey was the one who caught Jack before so Jack is a little angry and decides to take revenge. But he has a but of fun killing whoever comes in his way… including a family who basically has nothing to do with the Sheriff.

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Nothing says intense hair-raising violence like a 4 dollar hair dryer…

We dive deep in to the science of the whole thing. And Lenore tells us some fun facts as to why this movie could never actually work… scientifically speaking.

Did I mention its the screen debut of the lovely Shannon Elizabeth! This was before she took her top off for American Pie.

Also there’s a truck full of… Anti-Freeze? Huh? Lots of head scratching in this one.

There is an actual sequel to this film that takes place in Hawaii. “A snowman in Hawaii how could that be?” I guess you’ll have to wait for Paul to torture everyone with that one on a later date.

The director of the film Michael Cooney actually wrote a really good John Cusack movie, “Identity.” But Jack Frost is what he’s pretty much well known for.

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I’ve been snow-balled!

As I was saying I was expecting a lower number for the score and Idk how Paul was the one who ended up scoring it less… giving the score an 8.5. Both Lenore and I gave it a 9. Giving it a rounded out score of 26.5. Not bad for a serial killer turned snowman seeks revenge story.

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Here is a trailer to this stinker. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oICtgsoSi6c  and if you like the trailer and want to actually see this stinkfest go buy the Vinegar Syndrome Blu Ray with special features on Amazon here:  https://www.amazon.com/Jack-Frost-Blu-ray-DVD-Combo/dp/B01M351207 Or if you just want to watch the movie you can actually see it on Amazon Prime if you have a Prime membership.

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Sick Flick Productions

Horror’s never been so sick