Episode 83: Geteven (1993)

SOOO, are you ready to do the Shimmy Slide?? Of course you are!! Remember the early 90’s, when awful country moosic roared back to life, like a moldering trucker cap zombie, and everyone wanted to country line dance?? Yes, its a horrible period of US history which we cowllectively try to suppress, but then here comes the ol’ MooCow ready to dig it up and make Moody and special co-host guest Just Jenn remember and re-suffer in the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe! Get ready for Geteven!

Yes, good ol’ John DeHart, doing his best pre-Neil Breen, is the rootin’ tootin’ fightin’ cop/limousine driver/ninja expert who fights against police and government corruption, drug dealing satanists, becomes a country moosic star, AND gets the girl with the big boobs – in this case, former Playboy playmate Pamela Jean Bryant. All this AND a very drunk and unstable Wings Hauser too! What moore cud you possibly want? Wanna hear some awful John DeHart crooning, we gotcha covered!

A total vanity project of the worst kind, poorly made and poorly executed, bound to inflict endless pain and suffering upon the viewer – no wonder the MooCow loves it so much!

So, John DeHart and Wings Houser are cops fired after being setup by their corrupt boss (William Smith), who somecow then gets appointed as judge, BUT who also secretly heads a satanic drug-dealing cult – you know, as you do. After his wife is “killed” by the cult, DeHart is determined to bring the cult down. Wings Hauser drinks a lot, including bleach, and inexplicably has a Native American mannequin hanging around for shits n gigs. John DeHart is about the moost awkward action star you’ll ever see, and his less-than dollar import night karaoke warbling puts this flaccid flick over the top into stinky stardom. Also, there is a poodle who dances while eating butter from a spoon. CAN YOU STAND THE INTENSE EXCITEMENT??? :=8O

This moovie…WOW, it is the cinematic equivalent to being clubbed to death like a baby seal. It is punishment that should be outlawed by the Geneva Cowvention. It is many strands of crap somecow coming together and forming a new form of crap that is unlike any of the crap we’ve shown before on this show! All this and some singularly cringeworthy country moosic just takes the stinky cake!

Yeah, this one got swift 10’s form both Moody and the MooCow – just bad, bad, BAD! Unexpectedly, it was Just Jenn who had room in her heart to cut a tiny bit of slack for this film, and only gave it a 9.5, as she liked some of the sets – that gives Geteven/Champagne and Bullets/Road to Revenge a Stinky Total of 29.5, and a Stink Average of 9.8. WOW, that is a horrific pall of stink, but STILL we haven’t hit a 30 yet on the season. Ok, yer no Neil Breen, John DeHart, but it was a very good try.

We have trailerage right here. Now and then the VHS copy shows up on Etsy or Ebay. Good luck finding this one in DVD anywhere; cowever, you CAN find the Blu Ray Champaign and Bullets cut of this film courtesy of Vinegar Syndrome, and trust me you want this! It has the commentary from John DeHart himself as well as the re-edited cuts released as Geteven and Road to Revenge. So go and get it NOW!!! In addition, you can get this kewl Geteven Tee Shirt on Redbubble!


Episode 82: Don’s Plum (2001)

A low budget, tedious exercise in bro-tardum, starring the infamous “Pussy Posse“, featuring a group of obnoxious up-and-cowming pretty boys passing as actors, and the cute girls who inexplicably enable their misogyny. Said group meets in a restaurant, talks about rude things, and very little actually happens. Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire, who would later become the largest stars of the group, successfully sued to have the film’s release blocked in the US and Canada, although it pops up in Europe and elsewhere. There are many stories and legends behind this film, both its creation and in its censure from the general movie-going audience; frankly that in itself would have made for a far moore interesting subject, perhaps a documentary about cow a group of ‘friends’ decided to make a moovie together, with the best of intentions, but ultimately lead to lawsuits, betrayal, fierce backlash, gossip and innuendo, and lost opportunity. Moody, with special guest co-hosts Ana Xaden and Dale A Niehaus, discuss the flick in the latest Indie Film Cafe podcast

The moovie, created by RD Robb (“A Christmas Story”), is allegedly all improvisation, and it shows, sort of like if someone tossed in copies of Richard Linklater’s Slacker and My Dinner with Andre into a blender, and a very drunk Kevin Smith fished out the pureed remains and stitched something together. The plot, such as it is, takes place primarily by the “Posse” and their latest group of chicks, all talking and bickering and playing Never Have I Ever, at a diner in L.A. There is some cringy acid jazz, a bunch of bathroom mirror confessionals, fake teeth wearing, casual 20-something male contempt for women, and a whole lot of cigarette smoke. And if all of this doesn’t sound particularly appealing, the MooCow can assure you it is not. The film does have a certain voyeuristic charm to it – after all, moost of those involved ended up going on to much bigger and better things, even if some of them never managed to evolve much as artists. DiCaprio has since climbed the highest, and probably has the most actual talent of the bunch – but to be fair, the MooCow never had much use for Kevin Connolly, Tobey Maguire, or Jeremy Sisto. But seeing the likes of the much-loved Jenny Lewis (Rilo Kiley), Amber Benson, Marissa Ribisi, and Heather McComb, all of whom are wonderful and provide at least some respite to the cowstant fucktardery of the “Posse”, certainly helps. If only they had been characters in their own right, rather than meat for the boys’ grist.

There are not any particularly bad performance in this film; the black and white cinematography is effective, if not original, and the film itself does seem to capture an era of the mid-90’s in a sort of drop of nicotine-stained amber, if you enjoy looking back on such things. But in light of today’s Hollywood, within the context of the Me Too movement and backlash against the abuse of women in Hollywood, the film simply comes off as pretentious, cringeworthy, and embarrassing – and its no wonder its primary stars would rather not have the general moovie-watching audience (especially the women) see them like this.

The Indie Film Cafe kids give a pretty thorough discussion of the film, its strengths and weaknesses, and rated it rather surprisingly: Ana Xaden gave the moovie a 4, while Dale scored it a 5, with Moody rounded out the scores with a 6 – this gives Don’t Plum a total Stink Score of 15, which is right in the middle between a decent film and a Stinky Pile of Cow Poo. For those of you keeping score, that’s a Stinky Average of 5, and on the Ladder of Stink it ties with such udder films as Santa’s Slay and It Waits. Definitely has a whiff of stink to it, but everyone agrees the IFC kids have seen much worse.

There is no official trailer for Don’s Plum as it never got released in the US; cowever, writer and producer Dale Wheatley himself uploaded it to YOUTUBE as part of the Free Don’s Plum movement that he started. Write to him via his website and you can get an HD version of the film. You can also find non-US region dvds out there on Ebay and udder places, but expect to pay a lot. The New York Post did a very interesting overview of the film called The Curse of Don’s Plum which you can see on YouTube. There are some pretty interesting comments on the video too – apparently Dale Wheatley himself comes on to discuss cow even though Leo and Amber Benson did not get along the scene where he torments her was staged and both were ok with it, and the conflict between the two actors was utilized. If this film ever does get a release it would be fascinating to have Wheatley, Robb, or even Leo himself (though I doubt it!) come on and do commentary.

Ok, while it ain’t the MooCow’s cup of moo juice, we here at Indie Film Cafe are always ready to talk about and support indie film, and this one is as indie as it gets! And if yer a big fan of Leo, Tobey Maguire, or even Amber Benson (!!!), you might want to check this lil flick that flew udder the radar out. And who knows, perhaps it will see a US release some day.


Episode 81: Sextette (1978)

Soooooo…what do you think was the moost horriffic, groady, vile, disturbing, and grossest horror moovie of 1978? Halloween? Dawn of the Dead?? Invasion of the Body Snatchers???
It was the skeezy, wince-inducing, dirty old lady moosical Sextette, starring the shambling, 27,586 year old mummified corpse of Mae West, pre-Bond Timothy Dalton, Dom DeLuise, and a handful of drugged-up 70’s rock and roll icons who shoulda known better and probably didn’t care. Did I mention it was a moosical??? [SHUDDER] :=8P

Yes, the moldering, undead revenant of Mae West stars as Marlo Manners, dug up and dressed in garish costumes that would have made a 1920’s flapper blush, and commanded to walk and talk and make filthy double entendre puns and one-liners that not even Arnold Schwarzenegger would have dared drop (speaking of which, he was originally up for Dalton’s role!!!) – clearly there is malevolent necromancy at work here the likes of which we as a good, clean, righteous people should fight against with all of our strength and power! Somecow Moody, the MooCow, and newcoming co-host Jolynn Holcolm manage to survive the IFC’s latest podcast episode!

Bad enough that Marlo Manners has totally gaslit Timothy Dalton into believing that she is ‘young and beautiful’, to the point where they share a song about it, Captain and Tennille, no less! But to see and hear the painted lich slobber and drool over young Olympian bodies is simply a mind boggling grotesquaria that has to bee seen to be believed. BACK TO THE GRAVE UNHOLY UNDEAD FIEND!!! :=8O

There is udder bad stuff in here too, but trust the MooCow you won’t notice too much, at least upon first viewing, since you will be pummeled almoost senseless, like a baby seal, by the avalanche of bad songs, unfunny humor, and dirty puns, to say nothing of weirdness of seeing Mae West in her many overdressed, byzantine, pastel-vomit costumes strutting about and talking as though she were 19 – ok, maybe 1919!! :=8/

I was sooo hoping for some brain-munching action, but no…

Ok, we kid, we kiiiiid, the shuffling wight of Mae West can make whatever moovie she likes (please don’t haunt me!). Well, the votes are in, and while this undead frightfest was pretty bad, we have all certainly seen worse – especially on this show! The MooCow gave Sextette an 8.5, while Moody went with a 7.5, and newbie Jolynn went with an 8.0, giving Sextette a total Stink Score of 24, and that’s a Stinky Average of 8.0. On the Ladder of Stink its tied with a whole parcel of similarly stinky offerings, please check it out! Odoriferous, to be sure, but there is always worse out there!

Check out the skeezy trailer right HERE. You can see it for free on the Tube of You, and you can catch it on Prime as well. Physical copies of this zombie schlockfest are hard to come by, even Uncle Amazon only rarely has a pricey copy. You can find it on the resale market in places like Ebay, although it won’t be much cheaper. The cheapest place might be Family Video. To the MooCow’s knowledge, this gem has yet to be unleashed to the general public on blu ray, which may be a blessing in disguise – do we really want an ultra-clear close up of that ancient crumbling visage, I tell you NO! You can, cowever, git yer hooves on a nice full color poster of the film at Movieposters.com and Allposters.com. An original 27 x 41 poster can be found on Amazon too. And, of course, good ol’ Ebay. MoviePosters2.com will put that poster on a mug for you because why the heck not?? You can find songs from the moovie all over YouTube, if yer a real glutton for punishment, but this really kewl REVIEW goes over all of them, plus a whole lot moore!

Speaking of a whole lot moore, I’m just gonna drop this riiiiight here, and moove on to our next episode…


Episode 80: Crack in the Floor (2001)

Ahhh, Gary Busey – one of a select group of actors (Nic Cage, C. Thomas Howell, Eric Roberts) whose mere presence in a film can elevate it from a dull bit of dreary dishwater into stinky high jinx heaven. Since first encowntering his Buseiness way, way back as a calf in 1980’s Carny (with a young, super snuggly Jodie Foster!), this sharp-eyed cow cud tell that this was a performer to keep an eye on. Or two, even. And indeed, in the many role he has graced us with over the years, from the crazy Jack Joshua in Lethal Weapon, to crazy Buck Mathews in Eye of the Tiger, and to the ummm crazy Millard Findlemeyer in Gingerdead Man, you just cowm to expect certain things when you get a moovie with the Gare Bear. And you get here in A Crack in the Floor, to be sure. but is it enough to push the film from ho-hum into HOHOHO??? Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe Episode, featuring Moody and new co-host guests Mark D. Valenti and Jo Gonsalves, as they review this flick, to find out!

So little Jeremiah gets to watch his mother raped and killed, and so naturally he decides to live udder the floorboards of his family’s cabin in the woods and murder anyone who dares come near. because, that happens. Well, I guess sometimes you have to make your own fun. Cotton-pickin’ hillbilly old coot Sheriff Talmidge (Bo Hopkins, the Wild bunch, White Lightning, The Rat Patrol) can’t figure out whose killen’ them damn hikers, and then yet anudder group of dopey kids, including Mario Lopez (Slater in Saved By the Bell) shows up just in time to get pitchforked. Also hanging around are Rance Howard (Clint and Ronnie’s actor dad), David (“I did One Great Moovie American Werewolf in London and the Rest is Crap” Naughton), and Tracy Scroggins (Demonic Toys, Alien Intruder, and a bunch of Babylon 5 tv bullstuff). Killings, shenanigans, weird dialog, and, ummm, chicken murder, follow like white on rice, as you do.

Yeah, this one is a mess, and doesn’t have nearly enough wacky Busey mooments to save the film, in this cow’s opinion – although there are a few weird ass scenes and some pretty unforgettable lines, such as “You know what’s good about that suppository? When she farts, it’s gonna smell like southern fried chicken. You hold that in your heart.” and “Would you like to snap one of ’em’s neck? I got a lot out in the back, and the minute they die, you can smell the rabies leave their body. It’s spectacular.” Oh Tyler Trout, Tyler Trout, you had such promise, such majesty, such gonzo over the top Busey potential: why cudn’t the entire film revolved around you??? Directors Sean Stanek and Corbin Timbrook, you missed a golden opportunity! Just wind the man up and let him go, he’s a moovie unto himself! I mean, am I the only one who didn’t care about Jeremiah and his pitchforky murderings, but wanted tons moore wisdom from Tyler Trout? Gahhh, I was so unfulfilled!

Well, the votes are in, and the IFC kids say this one is fairly stinky! Moody awarded the film an 8, while Jo Gonsalves went with a 7; Mark D. Valenti, on the udder hoof, didn’t mind the flick too much, and gave it a 5, giving A Crack in the Floor a total Stink Score of 20, that’s a Stinky Average of 6.7! On the Ladder of Stink that ties with such stinkers as The Karaoke Kid, The Killer Tongue, and Robo C.H.I.C. – Great stinky company indeed! :=8D

Here is your TRAILER, enjoy! And here is the Turkish trailer! It is floating around the Tube of You for free, including a German version; but if you need, want, and desire the physical medium, well Uncle Amazon has you covered. It is also on Prime. You can also find it at Oldies.com and Wallyworld. Find it re-sale vie Ebay. There is no blu ray release that this cow has been able to find, but you never know. Download the poster at Cinematerial.com ; they have the Turkish poster as well, as you do. No udder merch for this flick cud be found, but HorrorFan4Life does a review.

Well, if yer lookin’ for a cheesy, stinky flick that has at least a whiff of Batshitcrazy Gary Busey, A Crack in the Floor gives you a lil’ taste of what might have been, and for some of us that’s plenty enough! The IFC kids say check it out, and watch out for those chickens!


Episode 79: Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

Holy smokes, the IFC kids have done a Russ Meyer moovie! Now hold on to yer brazziers, buckos, this is Russ Meyer before he got into his super udder action flicks, we’re talkin’ Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, one of the great classic drive-in flicks of all time, and we’ve got Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Sarah Adkins on hoof to check it out in the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe! So strap yerselves into the cab of yer hotrod, kiddies, cause these dancin’ kittens got some claws!

Varla, Rosie, and Billie just want to have some kicks, man, after working those long, hard nights dancing at the go-go club, as you do, and so they drive their little hotrods into the desert, where they meet squares Tommy and Linda, and proceed to murder the one and kidnap the udder – because FUN!!! Then some dorky gas station attendant tells them that some crippled old coot lives with his sons and is sitting on a pile of loot, and before you can say 60’s gold lame top the ladies are headed to their shack lookin’ for trouble – and trouble is what they find!

Few characters in drive in history are as iconic as Tura Satana as the vicious Varla, and Haji (from Double D Avenger!) as Rosie, and Lori Williams as Billie are memorable hotties as well! They’re a gang of dirty debs you wouldn’t mind getting beaten up by! And when you factor in snuggly, sweet Linda, played by the equally lovely Sue Bernard, in an amazing 60’s bikini, and you have an instant drive in classic! Toss in Hollywood veteran actor Stewart Lancaster as the skeezy Old Man, and 60’s tv character actor Paul Trinka as Kirk, and it just gets even better! And dig that craaaazy soundtrack!

Well the votes are in, and these pussycats are all hep, according to the IFC kids! Moody awarded the film a 3, the Moocow gave a 2.5, and Sarah Adkins, who really dug the vibe of this flick, awarded it a 2! That’s a Stinky Total of 7.5, one of the lowest scores of the season! That’s a Stink Average of 2.5, which is barely any stink at all! On the Ladder of Stink this moovie is tied with Rat Pfink a Boo Boo as one of the lowest scoring moovies on IFC, with only Gamebox 1.0 scoring lower!

Git yer trailer right HERE. Check it out on the Tube of You right HERE. Of course, if you want a better, clearer version then you need to pony up some dough for the DVD, which you can purchase from Uncle Amazon right HERE. You can also grab a copy from Elvis DVD Collector and Movie Buffs Forever, and there is always a copy floating around on Ebay. There is a Blu ray version as well, available on Amazon, and a special Limited Edition at Blu Rays For Everyone. Great timing too, as it turns out the Walking Dead’ own Norman Reedus is a fan, and wants to remake it on tv as a series for AMC!

Check out the group of killer posters from AllPosters.com! If you have the moolah to spare, get an original from 1966 at the Sotheby’s on-line auction! Redbubble has the poster, and a bunch of udder FPKK merch as well, check it out! Get the kewl tee shirt on Etsy, Redbubble, and Look Human, among udders. Zazzle has a boss coffee mug too, as does TeePublic! You can grab the soundtrack on both CD and vinyl from Amazon. And you KNOW you wanna hear the title track covered by the Cramps! The moovie has inspired a lot of kewl art too! A LOT.

So don’t be a square, like Tommy: check out Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! right now, you’ll be glad you did!