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Episode 117: Marina Monster (2007)

The world loves a stinky shark moovie, oh yes it does – and it doesn’t get mooch stinkier than this cheapy sex comedy/plastic shark attack flick put out by Christine Whitlock that simply has to be seen to be believed! Oh Canada!!! Just when we thought your worst import was Justin Beiber or Celine Dion! Moody and the MooCow are ready to take on the worst – but stepping up to the plate is nun udder than special guest co-host Curtis Barnes, a stinky moovie veteran who has walked (and sometimes crawled) through the steaming wreckage of MooCow stinkers in the past, and is always ready for moore! Will this iron-hearted, and iron-stomach, trio meet their match this time? Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe podcast episode and find out for yourself!

Gosh, where to begin? Soooo…there is a cute, inflatable plastic shark floating around an unnamed Canadian harbor, and anytime anyone falls into the water – which is pretty mooch all the time – they are immediately eaten, and we’re talking hundred here, folks. In the meantime, Earl Molar and Oceanna Anchor are trying to have a relationship; there are a pair of Commodores, each trying to do various things that don’t really matter, some weird relationship subplots, a drug deal, a boat race, mutant fish food, and – heck, the kitchen sink! Have we mentioned the fact that oodles of random people, some in the moost over the top, neon colored wigs you will ever find, fall into or are pushed into the water, for no udder reason than to ring the dinner bell for the hungry, hungry inflatable shark – which kind of sings in a weird Louis Armstrong-type voice (don’t get me started!!!).

Yeah, its a hot mess. But to be clear, folks, there is no gore, no horror, no action, no violence whatsoever; its really a mass of hint-hint/wink-wink sex comedy innuendo, and ohbytheway there’s a shark, secondary to the plot. Add in weird sound effects, colorful, obvious fake names, the same sets used over and over again, sometimes cleverly disguised with miss-matched curtains, and udder low, low production values, and you can see why they were really aiming for a comedy. Unfortunately, it ain’t none too funny either. Well, ok, the final scene where the distressed Oceanna is attacked by the inflatable critter, and has to whack it with a scrap piece of balsa wood is pretty funny, especially given that’s when our Marina Monster starts to SING!!! Well, kind of. I guess if someone took about 10% of Jaws, and tossed in a whole bunch of Gilligan’s Island, and set it to puree, this is the result!

Hay, turn off your wigs, planes are trying to land by them!

Direction is pedestrian at best; the acting is over the top, as a farce should be, the production values pretty minimal – and when you figure that this moovie was made at the same time as an-udder sea creature feature (Sharp Teeth), and they were trying to get 2 films out of 1 shoot, well things begin to make a little moore sense. Somewhere I see the liver-spotted forehead of Roger Corman nodding in agreement with these choice. Director Christine Whitlock is a writer who has written for many venues of entertainment, including Canadian television, plays, and internet series, but her style tends towards the very broad types of humor, and ex-nay on the ubtle-say. Even so, this cud have been a bit moore fun if the story had really gone for it, instead of playing it safe, and perhaps been more adult and less juvenile. Think Seduction Cinema! But we get it, Canadians are just nice people, not like filthy crude Americans, they just can’t help but being nice and kind of tame. It moost be the colder temps…and all the Tim Hortens.

Whack that shark! Whack that shark!!!

So, the votes are in , and yeah…its 10s across the board. Just nothing really happens, at all, and only only thing that keeps you interested is seeing cow bad things can really get, and that’s never a good sign. Stink Total of 30, and a Stinky Average of 10.0 – straight up to Stinky Heaven with this one, may all udder lesser stinky shark moovies bow down before it!

Check out the trailer HERE. It is currently on Prime. Rent it through NETFLIX. If you want a physical copy of this gem, and believe the MooCow, you DO, then head on over to Christine Whitlock’s webpage and order a copy! She’ll be glad you did! Mine came with extra goodies, and then I went back and ordered Vampire Dentist, because who can resist a moovie with a title like that? You can also get Sharp Teeth from her there, and you better believe that’s next on the MooCow’s list! you can also sometimes find it on the Canadian Ebay, eh? I wish I cud say there was schwag out there for this moovie, but alas, there was none to be found beyond a digital version of the film poster at CineMaterial.com. If you dug the soundtrack there are a few of the tracks HERE. The Creature Feature Bleachers cover this film, but udderwise there isn’t much love out there for Marina Monster, which is one reason why the IFC kids decided to feature it – well, the MooCow did anyways. Oh that wascally MooCow…

So, is it safe to go back into the water? Probably not, but at least you can be pretty sure that unless yer up in Canada you won’t be menaced by this thing:

Me is scary!! Gimme nom-noms!!!

<=8D

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Episode 116: The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)

Ever wonder what would happen if The Room and Twilight had a weird, slow baby?? No, just me? Well, if you were wondering, seek no moore, because da MooCow found it! The Last Vampire on Earth is a spectacularly bad Twilight/Room mishmash of epic dullness, punctuated by bad, amateur performances, poor effects, a weak story line, and some weird little chubby kid who eats everything in site! Naturally, this was perfect for the kids at Indie Film Cafe to suffer through, especially Moody, the MooCow, and a pair of special guest co-hosts, Jessa Flux and Madeline Deering! Check out the latest podcast episode to see if this moovie bangs, or bites! ;=8)

Boring, dull vamp guy named Aurelius who buys blood instead of killing people, hits on dull teen named Chloe, who invites him home for dinner – he eats chicken (instead of just turning it down!), and pukes, which makes the father immediately cowclude that he is, in fact, a vampire! A group of folks kidnap him (which apparently is easy as pie), lightly wrap a few weak strands of yarn around him and a pole, and then Bella-Wannabe shows up with a gun and announces she has AIDS – “That’s right, AIDS!” Then everyone says, “Oh, sorry”, and lets him go, the end. Believe the MooCow, the moovie is even dumber and slower that this… :=8P

Ohhh Vitaliy Versace, what have you done? Well, you made a $0 budget local moovie, using local talent, and its, ummm….not very good, even by Youngstown Ohio standards. The moovie has weird ideas about vampires, weird ideas about Christianity, odd dialog choices, and very loose standards when it comes to post-production. But yeah, this is his One-Shot/No Re-Takes Twilight, in the same way he has also made his own, low budget, poor One-Shot/No Re-Takes versions of Aladdin, the Jungle Book, Karate Kid, etc, moost of which will end up on Indie Film Cafe at one point or an-udder because we are just crap hounds who thrive on cringe. And trust us, this flick is full of cringe.

Well, the scores are in, and with Moody bowing out this time we have to rely on the MooCow and the two guest co-hosts: Jess went right for the throat and awarded a 10, while Maddy Deer (always playing nice) went with an 8, while the MooCow awarded a 9.5 – that gives Last Vampire on Earth a total Stink Score of 27.5, which is a Stinky Average of 9.2 – on the Ladder of Stink this one nestles in right between Thankskilling, Fungicide, and Curse of Bigfoot at 28, and Vampire Cop and Raiders of the Lost Shark at 27. Stinky stuff indeed!

Right HERE is yer trailer. Watch for free on Youtube! Is also streaming for free on Tubi, and also (amazingly) Netflix! It ain’t cheap, but if you want to git yer hooves on a physical dvd copy, you can at Amazon! It also lurks the halls of FYE. You can also find it re-sale at Ebay. You know you want that poster, so get the digital at MoviePosterb.com and CineMaterial.com. No mugs or tee shirts, BUT…the whole thing is based on a book, so behold, here is the paperback! Best of the Worst does a show on the film, among udders

Who doesn’t love a stinky vampire flick, right? And when your stink smells suspiciously of both Twilight and The Room, you know you have a classic stinker – check it out!
:=8D

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Episode 115: Savage Beach (1989)

Hey everyone! Jonathan Moody back again for another blog post here. And this time I’m here to talk about the 1989 Andy Sidaris flick, “Savage Beach”, which Paul and I did with special guest Cayt Feinics. Based on her being on the last episode of IFC where she reviewed Samurai Cop and absolutely loved it we had a sinking suspicion that she was going to enjoy this one too! She fits in really well with IFC! Check out the latest IFC episode!

From the IMDB Plot: DEA agents flying cargo as part of their cover make an emergency landing on a remote island in the pacific, where several unscrupulous parties are looking for a WWII gold treasure. Yep that pretty much covers the movie. Well aside from lots of random nudity and I mean RANDOM nudity. There’s a scene where two of the female DEA agents are changing their shirts on the plane. Gratuitous should be Andy’s middle name. 

But funny thing is it just works for this flick. When you watch an Andy Sidaris movie as Paul says you are not looking for a movie without any plot holes or amazing writing. You are looking for a non stop action flick, with boobs, and explosions. And we got A LOT of explosions. Something you rarely see in any indie films anymore. Which is always a treat to look back and see. 

The thing with Andy’s flicks are they are pretty slick. They look good. They sound good. They almost feel like they have a Hollywood budget. They don’t but they at least feel that way and those make it fun but not stinky fun. To me it’s enjoyable to look back at a movie like this and just enjoy it for what it is.

Starring some of Andy’s most fun actors… Dona Speir (who sadly turned us down for an interview. I think she’s trying to forget these flicks), Hope Marie Carlton (who makes Paul swoon), John Aprea (who’s been in much better movies than this, like “The Godfather Part II” and “Bullitt”), Lisa London, Teri Wigel, Max Wasa, and many more. The cast alone is well worth the watch! 

On the island there’s a random ninja – stuff like this you just don’t see in action movies anymore. We mentioned in the review about Jim Wynorski. Jim, Donald Farmer, and Fred Olen Ray are probably the last of the filmmakers who did stuff like this in the 80s and 90s. Maybe there will be a resurgence and these kind of flicks will come back with new actors taking over. One can only hope right? 

Well the scores are in and it seems that Paul himself is the one who thought this film was stinkier than everyone else. However, he didn’t think it was that stinky: he gave it a 5.5. Cayt was a half below him, and gave it a 5, while I was a little nicer, and seemed to enjoy it a bit more, and gave it a 4. Giving it a total of 14.5, and a Stinky Average of 4.8. On the Ladder of Stink that puts it next to Fire City: End of Days, which I think is a good comparison: both are slick and better than average stinkers.  

I guess that’s it for me! I will let you all go and be back next month with a brand new review but until then here’s Paul telling you where you can get Savage Beach

The glorious trailer is right HERE. It is floating around on Youtube. You can also stream it on Prime. Also for some reason you can stream it on Full Moon. Git yer hooves on the DVD from Uncle Amazon, or splurge for the kewl blu ray! It is also part of the glorious triple moovie combo dvd that you can still get from Ebay, Bullets, Bombs, and Babes! Get the DVD-blu ray combo from Mill Creek! You can get the classic moovie poster straight from the man himself at AndySidaris.com!!! There is a 27″ x 40″ poster at Amazon, and CineMaterial.com has several different digital posters you can download for free! Get the tee shirt at MoviePosters2.com!

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Episode 114: Won Ton Ton: The Dog that Saved Hollywood (1976)

The year was 1976 – bicentennial fever was sweeping the nation as it celebrated 200 years of freedom! Rocky, All the President’s Men, Taxi Driver, and Network ruled the box office. And then someone made this hairy dog of a flick… :=8P
I mean, everyone loves a comedy, right? And who doesn’t love a cute pooch moovie? If 1974’s Benji proved anything, its that if a cute doggy moovie that cost 500k were made right it cud gross 45 million world wide, get nominated for an Oscar, and spawn all kinds of sequels and spin-offs.

But that was not the fate of this bad shaggy dog story, really moore of an unfunny tribute to the Silent Film era of the 20’s, when dog star Rin Tin Tin ruled Hollywood with an iron paw. Well, buckle up boys and girls, because the kids from the Indie Film Cafe are going to check out Won Ton Ton: the Dog That Saved Hollywood in our latest episode – Moody, the MooCow, and long-suffering Just Jenn won’t know what hit ’em! IFC’s Joe Turek pops in for some free suffering as well!

Positively overstuffed with a bewildering array of cameos of old, moostly forgotten stars and celebrities of years gone by, including, but not limited to: Phil Silvers, Edgar Bergen, Milton Bearle, Joan Blondell, John Carradine, Cyd Charisse, Jackie Coogan, Yvonne De Carlo, Andy Devine, Alice Faye, Rhonda Flemming, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sterling Holloway, Tab Hunter, Dorothy Lamour, Peter Lawford, Keye Luke, Victor Mature, Virginia Mayo, Ethel Merman, Ann Miller, Ricardo Montalban, Walter Pidgeon, The Ritz Brothers, Dean Stockwell, Rudy Vallee, Johnny Weissmuller and Henny Youngman. The main stars include Bruce Dern (Coming Home), Madeleine Kahn (Young Frankenstein), Art Carney (The Honeymooners), Teri Garr (Close Encounters of the Third Kind), and Ron Leibman (Norma Rae), all of whom are moost hopeful that the world forgets this film ever existed.

Folks, this is a odd flick that was not supposed to be made – every studio that saw the script turned it down, the script itself was re-written several times over, for different leading ladies, and only the intercession of producer David Picker (god only knows why!) who managed to sell it as a comedy, AND got Michael Winner (best known for directing several of the not-very-funny Death Wish moovies) to direct it, got it made at all. Mooch to our cowllective chagrin.

The plot, such as it is, from the Wikipedia: after escaping from a dog pound, a German Shepherd links up with a budding actress and a wannabe film scriptwriter and becomes a Hollywood star. That’s pretty much it, folks. Long, dull, unfunny, periodically mean-spirited (who wants to see a dog trying to commit suicide??), and loaded with some really bad, cringe-worthy mooments, This was the Little Film That Stank. Really bad!

Well, the scores are in, and while pretty bad we here at IFC have definitely seen worse. Moody (moore charmed than the rest of us) awarded the film a 6, while Just Jenn (8.0) and the MooCow (8.5) did not hold back their displeasure – and while Joe Turek was an extra on this episode, he would have scored it a 9.5! Overall, Won Ton Ton gets a 22.5 for an overall Stink Score, which makes for a Stinky Average of 7.5. On the Ladder of Stink, this mutt of a moovie is moore than few rungs up, landing right there with Crater Lake Monster.

Check out the trailer right HERE. Stream it on Vudu. Git yer hooves on the DVD or Blu Ray from good ol’ Uncle Amazon, or get it through the re-sale market at such places as Ebay, Thriftbooks.com, or Igwues. If you want a vintage poster of the film from 1976, cough up $59.99 at Movieposters.com, and its yours! You can get a half sheet from them too! New poster copies can be bought at Wish.com, and even Walmart. You can find B7W celeb pics form the moovie at Ebay, for folks like Virginia Mayo, Madeline Kahn, Bruce Dern, Ron Leibman, etc. Ebay also has a used official mooovie tee shirt as well! Love the soundtrack – well here is the Won Ton Ton Rag!

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Episode 113: Totem (1999)

Hey everyone… Jonathan Moody is back for another blog! Here’s another review we did VIA zoom so no Paul in this episode. This time to chat about the 1999 David DeCoteau/ Full Moon flick, “Totem”. Of course since its Full Moon I had to ask my buddy Dustin Hubbard to come back, with special guest John Ward. The last time they were on the show together was “White Wolves: A Cry in the Wild 2”. This time it’s a completely different kind of flick. And it was worse than I remembered it being! Oh boy was it worse! Check out the latest episode on Indie Film Cafe!

From the IMDB Plot: 

Six people find themselves inexplicably transported to a remote cabin that is surrounded by an invisible barrier. In a nearby graveyard, they discover an ancient, carved stone monument that they dub a “totem pole.” Soon, they find themselves trapped in a murderous plot by malevolent forces that can control and manipulate their actions with the ultimate goal being to unleash three demonic entities from the monument.

I’m sorry, but I didn’t fully get all of that from the actual movie itself. It was very confusing. I mean that plot right there sounds like a lot of fun; and the movie Dustin, John, and I watched was not nearly as fun. It was way cheesier, and the totem monsters are very laughable. But of course the actors took it very seriously.  Speaking of actors the lead actor Jason Faunt would move on to become a Power Ranger. The lead girl Marissa Tait would go on to be on The Bold and the Beautiful after this movie. David DeCoteau is very good at finding talented cast members who later become super famous on other films/series. I guess David is a bit of a stepping stone to bigger things. 

Even though Dustin doesn’t remember this he picked this movie when I was chatting with him on Messenger. I asked him to pick a full moon 90s/00s movie to review and he said, “Well Totem is one of the worst of the DeCoteau full moon movies we should do that one”… so blame Dustin if you want but I love getting some of the stinkier movies on here anyway. Especially since Season 5 is all about finding the worst of the worst if we can. However this one isn’t one of the worst movies… not even the worst of David DeCoteau’s catalogue of films. 

Speaking of which the scores are in… And although this was a stinker none of us found it to be 10-worthy. I was the only who gave it the roughest of scores, with a 9; meanwhile Dustin and John both agreed that 8 is what it truly deserved. Making it a Stink Score of 25, which is a Stinky Average of 8.3 – once again not the worst score, but damn pretty high on the Ladder of Stink. That is up there with Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City, Dark Wolf, Cat Women of the Moon, Ankle Biters, Alien Beasts, Pocket Ninjas, and Wild World of Batwoman

Well that wraps up another blog for me… Paul is going to take over and tell you where you can find this. Take it away Paul…

Moo everyone! Check out the O-fficial trailer right HERE. It can be seen for free on TUBI. And you can check out the full moovie on Youtube, if you are so inclined. You can stream it on Amazon Prime, as well as Full Moon Streaming. For a physical copy u can find the DVD at Amazon, Walmart, Oldies.com, and DVDPlanet.com. It also pops up on the re-sale market at places like EBAY. if yer lucky you can find it as part of a 3 disc set on the Rituals of the Occult DVD at thrift stores, and the like, from time to time, or on Ebay. Goldposter.com has the digital version of the moovie poster in couple of sizes. No mugs or tee shirts, but if yer really lucky you might be able to grab a toy version of the totem critter from Ebay!!! Its also at Collectors.com, folks!