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Episode 81: Sextette (1978)

Soooooo…what do you think was the moost horriffic, groady, vile, disturbing, and grossest horror moovie of 1978? Halloween? Dawn of the Dead?? Invasion of the Body Snatchers???
NOPE!
It was the skeezy, wince-inducing, dirty old lady moosical Sextette, starring the shambling, 27,586 year old mummified corpse of Mae West, pre-Bond Timothy Dalton, Dom DeLuise, and a handful of drugged-up 70’s rock and roll icons who shoulda known better and probably didn’t care. Did I mention it was a moosical??? [SHUDDER] :=8P

Yes, the moldering, undead revenant of Mae West stars as Marlo Manners, dug up and dressed in garish costumes that would have made a 1920’s flapper blush, and commanded to walk and talk and make filthy double entendre puns and one-liners that not even Arnold Schwarzenegger would have dared drop (speaking of which, he was originally up for Dalton’s role!!!) – clearly there is malevolent necromancy at work here the likes of which we as a good, clean, righteous people should fight against with all of our strength and power! Somecow Moody, the MooCow, and newcoming co-host Jolynn Holcolm manage to survive the IFC’s latest podcast episode!

Bad enough that Marlo Manners has totally gaslit Timothy Dalton into believing that she is ‘young and beautiful’, to the point where they share a song about it, Captain and Tennille, no less! But to see and hear the painted lich slobber and drool over young Olympian bodies is simply a mind boggling grotesquaria that has to bee seen to be believed. BACK TO THE GRAVE UNHOLY UNDEAD FIEND!!! :=8O

There is udder bad stuff in here too, but trust the MooCow you won’t notice too much, at least upon first viewing, since you will be pummeled almoost senseless, like a baby seal, by the avalanche of bad songs, unfunny humor, and dirty puns, to say nothing of weirdness of seeing Mae West in her many overdressed, byzantine, pastel-vomit costumes strutting about and talking as though she were 19 – ok, maybe 1919!! :=8/

I was sooo hoping for some brain-munching action, but no…

Ok, we kid, we kiiiiid, the shuffling wight of Mae West can make whatever moovie she likes (please don’t haunt me!). Well, the votes are in, and while this undead frightfest was pretty bad, we have all certainly seen worse – especially on this show! The MooCow gave Sextette an 8.5, while Moody went with a 7.5, and newbie Jolynn went with an 8.0, giving Sextette a total Stink Score of 24, and that’s a Stinky Average of 8.0. On the Ladder of Stink its tied with a whole parcel of similarly stinky offerings, please check it out! Odoriferous, to be sure, but there is always worse out there!

Check out the skeezy trailer right HERE. You can see it for free on the Tube of You, and you can catch it on Prime as well. Physical copies of this zombie schlockfest are hard to come by, even Uncle Amazon only rarely has a pricey copy. You can find it on the resale market in places like Ebay, although it won’t be much cheaper. The cheapest place might be Family Video. To the MooCow’s knowledge, this gem has yet to be unleashed to the general public on blu ray, which may be a blessing in disguise – do we really want an ultra-clear close up of that ancient crumbling visage, I tell you NO! You can, cowever, git yer hooves on a nice full color poster of the film at Movieposters.com and Allposters.com. An original 27 x 41 poster can be found on Amazon too. And, of course, good ol’ Ebay. MoviePosters2.com will put that poster on a mug for you because why the heck not?? You can find songs from the moovie all over YouTube, if yer a real glutton for punishment, but this really kewl REVIEW goes over all of them, plus a whole lot moore!

Speaking of a whole lot moore, I’m just gonna drop this riiiiight here, and moove on to our next episode…
;=8)

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Episode 80: Crack in the Floor (2001)

Ahhh, Gary Busey – one of a select group of actors (Nic Cage, C. Thomas Howell, Eric Roberts) whose mere presence in a film can elevate it from a dull bit of dreary dishwater into stinky high jinx heaven. Since first encowntering his Buseiness way, way back as a calf in 1980’s Carny (with a young, super snuggly Jodie Foster!), this sharp-eyed cow cud tell that this was a performer to keep an eye on. Or two, even. And indeed, in the many role he has graced us with over the years, from the crazy Jack Joshua in Lethal Weapon, to crazy Buck Mathews in Eye of the Tiger, and to the ummm crazy Millard Findlemeyer in Gingerdead Man, you just cowm to expect certain things when you get a moovie with the Gare Bear. And you get here in A Crack in the Floor, to be sure. but is it enough to push the film from ho-hum into HOHOHO??? Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe Episode, featuring Moody and new co-host guests Mark D. Valenti and Jo Gonsalves, as they review this flick, to find out!

So little Jeremiah gets to watch his mother raped and killed, and so naturally he decides to live udder the floorboards of his family’s cabin in the woods and murder anyone who dares come near. because, that happens. Well, I guess sometimes you have to make your own fun. Cotton-pickin’ hillbilly old coot Sheriff Talmidge (Bo Hopkins, the Wild bunch, White Lightning, The Rat Patrol) can’t figure out whose killen’ them damn hikers, and then yet anudder group of dopey kids, including Mario Lopez (Slater in Saved By the Bell) shows up just in time to get pitchforked. Also hanging around are Rance Howard (Clint and Ronnie’s actor dad), David (“I did One Great Moovie American Werewolf in London and the Rest is Crap” Naughton), and Tracy Scroggins (Demonic Toys, Alien Intruder, and a bunch of Babylon 5 tv bullstuff). Killings, shenanigans, weird dialog, and, ummm, chicken murder, follow like white on rice, as you do.

Yeah, this one is a mess, and doesn’t have nearly enough wacky Busey mooments to save the film, in this cow’s opinion – although there are a few weird ass scenes and some pretty unforgettable lines, such as “You know what’s good about that suppository? When she farts, it’s gonna smell like southern fried chicken. You hold that in your heart.” and “Would you like to snap one of ’em’s neck? I got a lot out in the back, and the minute they die, you can smell the rabies leave their body. It’s spectacular.” Oh Tyler Trout, Tyler Trout, you had such promise, such majesty, such gonzo over the top Busey potential: why cudn’t the entire film revolved around you??? Directors Sean Stanek and Corbin Timbrook, you missed a golden opportunity! Just wind the man up and let him go, he’s a moovie unto himself! I mean, am I the only one who didn’t care about Jeremiah and his pitchforky murderings, but wanted tons moore wisdom from Tyler Trout? Gahhh, I was so unfulfilled!

Well, the votes are in, and the IFC kids say this one is fairly stinky! Moody awarded the film an 8, while Jo Gonsalves went with a 7; Mark D. Valenti, on the udder hoof, didn’t mind the flick too much, and gave it a 5, giving A Crack in the Floor a total Stink Score of 20, that’s a Stinky Average of 6.7! On the Ladder of Stink that ties with such stinkers as The Karaoke Kid, The Killer Tongue, and Robo C.H.I.C. – Great stinky company indeed! :=8D

Here is your TRAILER, enjoy! And here is the Turkish trailer! It is floating around the Tube of You for free, including a German version; but if you need, want, and desire the physical medium, well Uncle Amazon has you covered. It is also on Prime. You can also find it at Oldies.com and Wallyworld. Find it re-sale vie Ebay. There is no blu ray release that this cow has been able to find, but you never know. Download the poster at Cinematerial.com ; they have the Turkish poster as well, as you do. No udder merch for this flick cud be found, but HorrorFan4Life does a review.

Well, if yer lookin’ for a cheesy, stinky flick that has at least a whiff of Batshitcrazy Gary Busey, A Crack in the Floor gives you a lil’ taste of what might have been, and for some of us that’s plenty enough! The IFC kids say check it out, and watch out for those chickens!
;=8)

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Episode 79: Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

Holy smokes, the IFC kids have done a Russ Meyer moovie! Now hold on to yer brazziers, buckos, this is Russ Meyer before he got into his super udder action flicks, we’re talkin’ Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, one of the great classic drive-in flicks of all time, and we’ve got Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Sarah Adkins on hoof to check it out in the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe! So strap yerselves into the cab of yer hotrod, kiddies, cause these dancin’ kittens got some claws!
:=8D

Varla, Rosie, and Billie just want to have some kicks, man, after working those long, hard nights dancing at the go-go club, as you do, and so they drive their little hotrods into the desert, where they meet squares Tommy and Linda, and proceed to murder the one and kidnap the udder – because FUN!!! Then some dorky gas station attendant tells them that some crippled old coot lives with his sons and is sitting on a pile of loot, and before you can say 60’s gold lame top the ladies are headed to their shack lookin’ for trouble – and trouble is what they find!

Few characters in drive in history are as iconic as Tura Satana as the vicious Varla, and Haji (from Double D Avenger!) as Rosie, and Lori Williams as Billie are memorable hotties as well! They’re a gang of dirty debs you wouldn’t mind getting beaten up by! And when you factor in snuggly, sweet Linda, played by the equally lovely Sue Bernard, in an amazing 60’s bikini, and you have an instant drive in classic! Toss in Hollywood veteran actor Stewart Lancaster as the skeezy Old Man, and 60’s tv character actor Paul Trinka as Kirk, and it just gets even better! And dig that craaaazy soundtrack!

Well the votes are in, and these pussycats are all hep, according to the IFC kids! Moody awarded the film a 3, the Moocow gave a 2.5, and Sarah Adkins, who really dug the vibe of this flick, awarded it a 2! That’s a Stinky Total of 7.5, one of the lowest scores of the season! That’s a Stink Average of 2.5, which is barely any stink at all! On the Ladder of Stink this moovie is tied with Rat Pfink a Boo Boo as one of the lowest scoring moovies on IFC, with only Gamebox 1.0 scoring lower!

Git yer trailer right HERE. Check it out on the Tube of You right HERE. Of course, if you want a better, clearer version then you need to pony up some dough for the DVD, which you can purchase from Uncle Amazon right HERE. You can also grab a copy from Elvis DVD Collector and Movie Buffs Forever, and there is always a copy floating around on Ebay. There is a Blu ray version as well, available on Amazon, and a special Limited Edition at Blu Rays For Everyone. Great timing too, as it turns out the Walking Dead’ own Norman Reedus is a fan, and wants to remake it on tv as a series for AMC!

Check out the group of killer posters from AllPosters.com! If you have the moolah to spare, get an original from 1966 at the Sotheby’s on-line auction! Redbubble has the poster, and a bunch of udder FPKK merch as well, check it out! Get the kewl tee shirt on Etsy, Redbubble, and Look Human, among udders. Zazzle has a boss coffee mug too, as does TeePublic! You can grab the soundtrack on both CD and vinyl from Amazon. And you KNOW you wanna hear the title track covered by the Cramps! The moovie has inspired a lot of kewl art too! A LOT.

So don’t be a square, like Tommy: check out Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! right now, you’ll be glad you did!
:=8D

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Episode 78: Fire City: End of Days (2015)

Havin’ a bad day? Noisy, nosy neighbors? Drug addiction? Poor and jobless?? Not enough moo juice for your grande cafe moochaccino??? Well, mayby its not YOU, my friends, maybe, juuuust maybe, there are DEMONS living in your neighborhood, and they are thriving on your pain and misery! Cowsuming it, as it were! Well, its a theory. And its a theory explored by the latest IFC flick Fire City: End of Days, put out in 2015 by Director Todd Woodruff, Jr., an academy Award winning make up and FX guru known for his work on Aliens, The Terminator, Starship Troopers, and even the X-Files tv show! Dis is an indie scifi/noir made on a 200K budget, utilizing Kickstarter backing, and expanded from an earlier 2013 short film Fire City: King of Miseries, so it already has an established world and setting, and even utilizes a few already introduced characters. Instant cult film! So what did the Indie Film Cafe kids think about it? Well, check out our LATEST PODCAST EPISODE, and hear what Moody and special guest co-hosts MeeChee Hazen and Madeline Deering have to say! After all, the devil – errr, demon? – is in the details! ;=8)

Vine is an ugly, broody-pants bird demon, and also a drug dealer (as you do…), but he’s not so icky that he’s going to let hulking, grotesque human Andre molest adorable, defenseless 11 year old Sarah – ok, maybe not for the right reasons, but hay, one less child rape make the day a bit brighter, right? Well, about that: soon after everything starts going right and nice for the poor folks trapped in the shitty apartment complex that Vine and his shitty neighbors live in, which is great for them but bad news for the demons – and it turns out there are dozens of them living there – because now they are deprived of their ‘natural’ food source: the pain and misery of human beings. Less calories than pizza, I suppose… Anycow, Vine, as well as Cornelia the Seer, and udder assorted weird, ugly, and fairly nasty demons, try to figure it out what’s what, and boy howdy does it lead down a straaaange rabbit hole of blood, death, betrayal, and, ummm, red bird feathers.

This is actually a pretty good film, very dark and Hell Boyish, sort of a cross between the (very good) TV series Angel and the (rather poor) 80’s Clive Barker flick Nightbreed. The fx and variety of demons, and the world they inhibit, their strange customs, beliefs, and magic they practice, and all the internal logic, works pretty well, although it can be pretty cowfusing from time to time – the MooCow would love to see this subject matter spread out over a full series, on Netflix of HBO, to give the story and world a fuller treatment, but for a standard horror flick it is actually pretty good, and very different. You’ve seen moost of these actors before: Tobias Jelinek (Vine) has been in NCIS, Stranger Things, Arrow, and Agents of Shield, among udders; Danielle C. Ryan (Cornelia) was on the 2005 Little House on the Prairie mini-series, and was in such moovies as Snow Beast, Osombie, and SAGA: Curse of the Shadow; Kimberly Leemans ( the hot/grotesque horny cat demon Amber) was in Law & Order, the Vampire Diaries, the Walking Dead, and The Fix; Keely Aloña plays sweet Sarah/whatever the heck Sarah turns out to be – she is an up and coming child actress moost recently in a flick called Run Kai Run (2018). Everyone is pretty good!

Well, the votes are in, and Fire City: End of Days does fairly well by IFC standards: Moody awarded the film a 5, right in the middle of the stink scale, while first-timers Meechee Hazen and Madeline Deering awarded the film 4.5 and 5 respectively. That gives Fire City: End of Days a Stink Score of 14.5, and a Stinky Average of 4.8! On the Ladder of Stink this film sits just below Santa’s Slay and It Waits, and right above the Brain from Planet Arous! Not too shabby! :=8D

Watch the TRAILER, if you will. There is a crappy version for free on YouTube, and a decent free version on Tubi. Rent it on Vudu, or at Amazon. Finding physical media of this film is unfortunately difficult, but there are sources – Ebay has it, and something called Bonanza, but not moooch else. Highland Film Group owns the distribution rights to the film, and one day maybe they will put out a blu ray, but thus far we got bupkis. No udder Fire City merch out there either, which is a shame because the poster is pretty nifty, and it would make for a great tee shirt of mug. Youtube does have a promo video and a behind the scenes, but there isn’t mooch else out there. If you like the kewl film moosic, the end title theme is HERE. There is a Youtube channel called Fire City which has moore stuff, and a Facebook channel too, but this flick sorely needs a blu ray release – get crackin’, guys!

So if yer looking for something a bit…different, you cud do a lot worse than Fire City: End of Days. And next time yer havin’ a bad day, blame the demons! They’re probably peckish…
;=8)

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Episode 77: Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970)

And its time for an-udder John Carradine crap-a-rama!!!
:=8D
Yes, ol’ John Carradine is back, playing yet another crotchety old coot, this time in Vampire Men of the Lost Planet, aka Horror of the Blood Monsters, aka about 57 other titles. This one is a classic: it’s a vampire movie! It’s a space movie! It’s a Filipino caveman movie! It’s 3 stinky treats in 1!! Come check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe, where yer old pal the MooCow, Moody, and actress Sarah Adkins howl their way through this weird, stinky Al Adamson classic!

In the first part of this chilling opus, an annoying narrator (Brother Theodore from Letterman) waxes melodramatically about the vampire culture on earth, as we watch a bunch of half-doped “vampires” attack some stage extras with toothpicks instead of teeth. Then, we are whisked to Mission Control, run, apparently, only by 1 man and a woman with lots of cleavage (Vicki Volante). Then we see our plucky astronaut team, lead by the irritable Mr. Carradine, who obviously needed some ruffage, as well as Dr. manning (Robert Dix), Steve Bryce (Bruce Powers), loveable schlub Willy (Joey Benson), and eye candy Linda (Britt Semand). Their model toy rocket ship “lands” in the middle of a Filipino caveman moovie, where they help the good cave, including Lian (Jennifer Bishop) people fight the bad cave people…sort of. It is heavily implied that the bad cave people, the Tubati, are somecow the genetic progenitors to the vampires back on earth – even though they have no problem wandering around in the sun and have snake heads popping out of their shoulders (heh??), while the ones back on earth stay in the dark and have no such snake accoutrements.

But its the “special effects” are the real eye candy here: most impressive is the Chromatic Radiation, which changes the film’s color from blue to yellow to green to whatever gel the cameraman chose to shoot with at the time (Oh, Vilmos Zsigmond…). What happened is that director Al Adamson (Blood Orgy of the She Devils, Satan’s Sadists, Dracula VS Frankenstein) got his grimy paws on a copy of the Filipino flick (Tagani), which was shot in 1956 as a black & white caveman fantasy, and then added the space travel bits in color in 1966, then added the weird color hippy vampire opening in 1970. To cover the fact that he was slapping together bits and pieces, he came up with the idea to use color tints over the film to cover the transitions between the bits to make it seem perfectly natural, figuring, rightly, that the necking, drugged out kids at the drive-in would neither notice or care.

Watch quickly for an elephant with carpeting glued to it’s hide, several wandering water buffalo, a couple of saw-toothed iguanas, furry bat people who fly on strings, lobster people who attack with claws, pre-historic midgets who attack with bows….the list goes on and on. All of this is mashed together with a campy sci-fi space flick and a late 60’s hippy vampire flick! This is Al Adamson at his weirdest.

Yea gods, well the votes are in and the Indie Film Cafe kids figure this one pretty well takes the stinky cake. Yer old pal the MooCow and snuggly Sarah Adkins both gave Horror of the Blood Monsters scores of 8, while Moody decided he’d seen worse and only offered a 6 – that’s a Stinky Total of 22 on the Stinkometer, and a Stinky Average of 7.3! on the Ladder of Stink, this strange Al Adamson flick sits just below Crater Lake Monster and just above Grizzly Rage. Not too shabby!

Trailerage is right HERE. And here is a kewl 1970 TV spot. Watch for free on the Tube of You! You can git yer hooves on the dvd or vhs version at Uncle Amazon, Monsters in Motion, Classicmoviesdvd.com, and sometimes Wally World. Copies will also pop up from time to time, like a Tubati, on Ebay. But for the really big spender, check out the huge, massive, unbelievable 32 remastered moovie blu ray cowllection for $426 schlamoleons right HERE!!! You cud git yer hooves on all 32 essential Al Adamson stinkers in glorious blu ray – who wouldn;t want that?? Also check out the must-see documentary about the life, career, and sad death of Al Adamson on Prime. Get the nifty moovie poster HERE. Its also at the moviepostershop.com udder one of its many alternative titles, in this case Space Mission to the Lost Planet. And Cinematerial.com seems to have a bunch of them! Ladies tee shirts can be found at this Brit site, and kids sizes can be found HERE. TeePublic.com has an awesome coffee mug, while HERE on Ebay you can get two difference sizes of mugs!

Weird and wonderful in its own stinky way, Horror of the Blood Monsters is a moost-see for anyone who loves to watch ridiculous horror crap, especially if they love the swingin’ 60’s! The Indie Film Cafe kids say check it out!
;=8)