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Episode 52: Sharkenstein (2016)

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The brain and heart of the Frankenstein Monster brings back to life a shark that is made up of other sharks… which you wouldn’t be able to tell by the look of the shark… here comes SHARKENSTEIN on our latest podcast episode!

Sharkenstein is probably one of the goofiest looking CGI sharks we’ve ever seen but he’s also the only one I’ve ever seen that actually walks on land. On feet. If you see the trailer you pretty much see how ridiculous this monster is. I, Jonathan Moody, sat down with actress Jackey Hall (she was in Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast that we covered last year with Mr. Johnny Johnson). And boy was she shocked at what she saw.  Jackey is not a big lover of bad movies like Paul and I are. Not in the least. But she’s so bored in this lockdown that she has agreed to come on as a guest on a few of the podcasts. I absolutely had a blast chatting with her about this. Especially talking a bit more about Snow Shark than I was expecting!

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Hello everyone, it’s me…the Shark.
The characters in this movie were very much just that… Characters. From the 3 random friends Madge, Coop, and Skip. To Duke Lawson (who also made an appearance in one of Mark Polonia’s other films “Bigfoot VS Zombies”) who I guess was supposed to be the hero of the movie. To the evil German mad scientist Klaus. To the guide who was mute for some odd reason that they never explained.  And even Bonnie Boom Boom, a retired adult film star who doesn’t want to be attacked by her fans! Such a wacky assortment of people.
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If you say Land Shark again I’ll bite your ass…

Mark Polonia’s Sharkenstein is something you have to see to believe. So much bad CGI and so much bad writing that this movie scored a 9 from me, an 8.5 for Paul (who comments at the end of the podcast), and Jackey having never really watched these kind of movies gives it a 6. For a total score of 23.5. That’s a Stink Average of 7.8.  Not too shabby for a movie that should have probably scored higher. But hey it’s still a stinky movie!

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You can watch this movie on Amazon Prime. As well as buy it on there as well on a triple pack of “Sharkenstein/Raiders of the lost shark/shark exorcist”  You can also find it at Best Buy. If you wanna see how ridiculous this shark is check out the trailer here
Is it safe to watch silly hark movies again?  Ummm, we here at Indie Film Cafe say a resounding NO!!!  But hey, at least someone made a Sharkenstein musical!
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Bonnie Boom Boom’s grisly fate – don’t ask.

 

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Episode 51: Crater lake Monster (1977)

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Yeah, nothing like this happens in the film…  :=8/

So, if you were expecting a moovie with that nasty-looking T-Rex critter on the moovie poster, let’s just say you were a bit disappointed.  Not only did you get a bumpy claymation stop-animated plesiosaur (described as a ‘giant alligator with flippers’ – yeah, right!) instead of a T-Rex, you barely got any critter at all!  instead, the only critters that are really frightening are a pair of bumbling hayseeds, Mitch and Arnie, who’s insufferable BFF ‘comedy’ makes up a good 50-60% of the moovie’s run time.  And let’s not forget the cheesy fake scientists, the poor day for night shooting, and the ridiculous white haired liquor thief who only exists to add in an ‘action’ sequence to an udderwise dull as dishwater monster flick.  Ughhh, this feeble flick caused much suffering and woe amongst the Indie Film Cafe kids – hear their groans and moans on the latest PODCAST EPISODE, and shed a tear in honor of their suffering and pain.

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Who will win the fight?  The stupid, ugly, slow, bumpy thing, or the clay dinosaur?

Yeah gods, there is sooooo much Mitch and Arnie dialogue to suffer through – WHY did the ‘comic relief ‘ become the main stars of the film??  As Ms. Lenore wisely points out, they’re just a pair of annoying, dishonest drunkards, accompanied by banjo-pickin’ muzak every time they appear.  Their charm if they had any to begin with, fades rapidly.  But what about the dino?  Well, he’s slow, wrinkly, surprisingly sneaky, and apparently afraid of burning boats.  Udder than that, he’s a bore.  But he’s miles better than Mitch and Arnie!  :=8P  William R. Stromberg gave the world better home moovies than this!

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Why, why God, why?  Why??

As bad as this moovie was, it didn’t score as stinky as it cud have.  The MooCow awarded an 8 on the Stinkometer, while Lenore went with a 7.5;  Mr. Moody, from all the way out west in Cowifornia, checked it out and went with a 7 – that’s a total Stink Score of 22.5, and a Stink Average of 7.5.  Bad, but not insufferably bad, at least cowpared the the dreck the indie Film Cafe kids have suffered through previously.

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This film is all over Youtube like a bad, itchy, oozing rash – the trailer can be found HERE and HERE.  And you can watch it for free on the Tube of You as well, HERE.  For those of you who prefer their dreck in hand, so to speak, you can get a dvd from amazon HERE.  Its also on Sumogorilla and EBAY.  It is part of a Sci-Fi Invasion 50 pack dvd put out by Classic Features!  You can also get the kooky Rifftrax version at their home page.  Somecow this film wandered onto a blu ray, along with fellow stinker Galaxina, which you can also buy HERE.  The blu ray is also at Amoeba Music and FYE.  And there is always someone willing to sell you a vhs copy.  You can get a replica of the original poster (which has nothing to do with the moovie) HERE, and an actual original poster on EBAY, if you have 50 bucks to spare.  Poster-Rama will sell you a coffee mug with the poster on it because of course you needs one, bad!  Speaking of things you NEED, really bad, here is where you can get your very own stuffed pleisosaur!

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So many memories…if only they would fade away!

 

 

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Episode 50: John Johnson’s Shadowhunters (2004)

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Hey everyone it’s my turn again… Jonathan Moody here to talk about the newest podcast we did for Indie Film Cafe… John Johnson’s Shadowhunters.  The plot in a nutshell is this: a group of half-naked sorority girls venture into an old, decaying haunted hospital where a powerful demon is bound by an ancient spell. The demon has just been released and the scantily clad sorority girls are now trapped inside. Four quarreling “Shadow Hunters” are also trapped in the hospital, and they must vanquish the evil Malphaedor as time ticks away, and everyone’s life is at stake!

This time I asked G Larry Butler to return. If you recall he was in the first episode we did of this season: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. We originally had another person in mind to do it with us and that fell through so Larry suggested his daughter Bonnie.

When I was looking for what movie to watch I couldn’t quite decide. I had a couple options I was weighing but when I went to Dark Delicacies I saw John Johnson’s Shadowhunters there and I knew that was the movie we had to watch. However I didn’t pre-screen it. And wasn’t thinking this was a movie that a 14 year old girl should not be watching.  Oops.

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When we got in to some of the more graphic scenes I felt terrible. I even asked if they wanted me to pick something else. There was a ton of movies I could have switched it out for. However they both they said they would watch it and we continued.

It was graphic all the way through. Some of the acting in the beginning wasn’t the greatest. Some of it was way too over the top. And some didn’t read as natural. However the acting did seem to get better later.

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If we do include Bonnie again, that’s if she’d even wanna be involved next time, we would make sure its a more kid friendly movie. However, she was a true sport and hung in there but we did fast forward more graphic scenes.

As for our scores… well Bonnie let her dad go first. And Larry gave it a 5. Bonnie gave it a 6. And I gave it a 6 as well. It was a great movie for adults or 14 year old boys. If you’re watching it with a 14 year old girl, don’t.

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There is a lack of trailerage for this film.  Cowever, you can purchase a copy for thine own self from AMAZON.   You can also find it on Sumogorilla.  And of course EBAY.  If you can find a copy, Shadowhunters also shows up on a Mill Creek/Pendulum Pictures dvd box release called Sadistic Sinners.  I imagine you can also buy it directly from DARKSTONE itself, although when last checked the site was down – check again, and buy from the source, if you can.  And look for an easter egg which links to John Johnson’s short film Cryptic, enclosed on the dvd.  In the meantime, check out Shadowhunters: DevilSpeak on PRIME, with John Johnson, Matthew Ewald, and directed by Monique Dupree.  A nice little write-up on the film can be found on Film Threat.  And also Horror DNA.

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Episode 49: Robot VS The Aztec Mummy (1958)

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Ole’!  Its a Mexican mummy moovie with a sci-fi twist!  In which a slow, scaly pile of rags fights an even slower cardboard refrigerator box robot!  There’s the evil Doctor Krupp, who side-jobs as the mysterious Bat!  There’s his long-suffering, painfully thin mustached sidekick Bruno!  There’s cutie Rosita Arenas, on loan from far better Mexican horror moovies (Curse of the Crying Woman, The Witch’s Mirror)!  There’s a pair of irksome kids who have no business being in the moovie in the first place!  And we have some poor schmuck of a graveyard worker who always gets clomped on the head or irradiated by the robot.  And its all wrapped up in a massive blood soaked (well, snore-soaked..) orgy of…exposition.  Of course, when we FINALLY get to see the cardboard box and Popoca the growling rag pile fight, its…well, its something.  hear what the Indie Film Cafe kids have to say about it in their latest PODCAST EPISODE!  Oh, and we got a visit from Soapy the Germ Fighter!

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Grrrr, I’m a pile of rags!  Grrrr, I’m a cardboard box!  Let’s party!

Seriously.  Two of the sloooooowest monsters in moovie history make for the sloooooowest monster fight ever.  and it might have even been interesting except busybody Dr. Eduardo decides to crack-shoot the control (in the darkness) out of Drupp’s hands, which makes the poor, suffering actor inside the box vanish, so that Popoca can wad him up like tin foil.  There some udder story exposition stuff going on too, moostly borrowed from the two previous Aztec mummy moovies, but really no one cares about any of that: literally the whole point, to say nothing of the actual title of the film, is to see the box and rag pile fight.  Somewhere Santos and Neutron are smiling…

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I think I am in love!

This cheesy howler should have been a lot moore fun, but moost of it was just plain dishwater dull.  Ms. Lenore awarded the film 7.5, Joe gave it an 8, while the MooCow went with a 8.5, giving the moovie a total Stink Score of 24, and a Stink Average of 8.0.  If only we has seen Popoca wrestle Soapy!  :=8D

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Get yer trailer right HERE.  The full moovie is all over the Tube of You like a luchadoros on a plate of nachos.  They even have the wonderful MST3K version there too!  To git yer hooves on yer own copy, Uncle AMAZON has you covered.  But if yer REALLY a huge fan, get yourself the full Aztec Mummy Collection on DVD, you won;t be sorry!  Check out this whey kewl poster HERE.  And you can buy yer own copy of that poster HERE! TeePublic has a Aztec Mummy VS Robot MUG!!!  And Gerdy’s has a great black and white TEE SHIRT for the moovie too, while ZAZZLE has one in color!

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Just remember folks, whether yer fighting the evil Coronavirus, or a pile of scaly rags named Popoca, take it from Soapy and Billy to make sure you keep yourself clean!

;=8)

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Episode 48: Zombie Cop (1991)

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Ackkkk!  He’s a zombie!  He’s a cop!!  He’s ZOMBIE COP!!!  and he’s not looking for doughnuts!
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Yep, it seems our boy in blue gets killed when he gets into a shoot out with a voodoo priest named Doctor Death (hint: if yer doctor is named Doctor Death you might wanna find an-udder physician…) – both of them rise form the grave and become shabbily dressed zombies: Doc Death wants world domination, of course, and Zombie Cop wants to stop him!  Fun and shenanigans follows.  Check out the latest Indie Film Cafe EPISODE to hear all the moans and groans of pain and suffering.

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Ummmm…are we sure this isn’t Mummy Cop??  :=8/

Soooo, this is the Indie Film Cafe’s second go with Tempe’s J.R. Bookwater (joining Season 2’s review of Polymorph), and, well, let’s just say this this season’s offering is somewhat moore…odoriferous.  :=8P  Honestly, this is one of Tempe‘s early, no-budget stinkers, and it is sooooo bad that Bookwater himself pretty moooch disowned it.  The acting,  cinematography, editing, and moosic are all quite bad, but its the extended scene padding that really turns this stinker from a misdemeanor to a felony (see what i did there?).  But check out that hot zombie cop action!
Yeah, its pretty mooch a snoozefest here, folks, and that is not good.  Neil Breen, are you hearing some footsteps??

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Ok, seriously: curtains or dashiki – YOU decide!

Wow.  Moody, Leila, and Bobby were stunned like dead carp after this one; Leila might actually have become broken, curled up in a fetal position on the ground sobbing unconcowtrollably into her Coke Zero.  Moody was looking to up his stink game for IFC, and it seems he found the right one.  Tens all around!  Finally, we have a cowtendor to Neil Breen as to the stinkiest crapfest in moovie history!  That’s a 30 on the Stinkometer, folks, and an average Stink Score of 10.

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Trailerage is right HERE.  Although hard to find on its own, you can get the Bad Movie Police double feature dvd, sporting both Zombie Cop and Maximum Impact, from yer old pal Uncle Amazon.  For those of you who simply cannot fathom wasting yer hard-earned moolah on such horrific dribble, some kind soul has uploaded Zombie Cop to the Tube of You.  And clearly you need to be drinking your joe out of a zombie cop mug while you watch, because why the heck not??  Ciao!  Get yer Italian moovie-inspired Zombie Cop POSTER to decorate your room too, whydoncha?

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You have a right to remain…stinky as hell.

Maybe its because cop costumes are cheap as hell, but there were a LOT of bad cop horror moovies in the 80’s and 90’s, and even later, (Maniac Cop, Demon Cop, Psycho Cop, Vampire Cop, etc..), but Zombie Cop cud very well be the worst offender of them all!  Its an early cowtender for worst moovie in Season 3, will an-udder stinker rise to the challenge?  Stay tuned to find out!
;=8)