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Episode 25: Hard Rock Zombies

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Much like the brainless, shambling monsters it portrays, Hard Rock Zombies is itself a zombie, a moldering, unthinking, decaying pile of crappitude that moves only on the illogical whims of  a dead brain it cannot understand.  Nazi’s, werewolves, midgets, zombies, 80’s montages, and  hairspray-n-spandex cheese metal music all come together in one unholy vomitus of epic 80’s proportions that has to be beheld to be believed.  The film, an early form of metalsploitation, features Phil Fondacaro as an evil hand-loving midget, E.J. Curse as the creepy paedo-singer Jesse who will not stay dead, Sam Mann (from Roller Blade!) as a drummer who never drums, Jennifer Coe as the large-haired zygote Cassie, for whom all the creepy songs are sung for, and not really much else.  Oh sure, there are werewolves and Hitler and a town channeling Footloose, but then there was a lot of cocaine snorted in the 80’s, and the MooCow is certain that had a lot to do with the ‘plot’, as it is.  The kids at Indie Film Cafe tried really, really hard to survive this debacle, as you can see in their podcast, but it was close, folks…

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NEED MOAR LIPSTICK!

The moans of pain and woe emanating from the Indie Film Cafe studio during the viewing of this nightmare were truly horrific, from the inexplicable zombie logic to the unbelievable desire on the film makers’ part to torture their audience by forcing them to listen to entire tracks of the lamest, moost nauseating cheesy fake hair metal ever created.  Just watching these idiots walking like zombies is an exercise in brain cell destruction worthy of the hardest liquor.  Hell, just being forced to watch 95 year old Hitler schtupp Nazi Grandma werewolf in front of the evil midgets is enough to send any sane person to the funny farm for a permanent vacation – but that’s why we’re here folks, in our incredibly brave and selfless lives, watching ridiculous, excessive crap like this so you don’t have to.  Trust the MooCow: 5 minutes after watching this you’ll want to emulate our fake midget friend below and try suicide by self-consumption.

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Hay, I taste just like chicken!

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER!!!  :=8O

We’re not gonna lie, folks, this one was rough.  Creepy, stupid, grotesque, and vile, you’ll need at least 37 showers to wash off all the snot, slime, piss, and puss after this one.  An easy 10 for the MooCow; Moody awarded it a 9.5, while guest reviewer James gave it a 9.0, ’cause he has a soft spot for cheese metal (bleaghhhh!).  That gives Hard Rock Zombies a Stinky Average score of 9.5 – and we’re not even a sixth of the way through the second season yet!!!

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If you must, check out the trailer HERE.  God help me, you can find this crap on the Tube of You, if you really must.  And for those of you serious hard-core crazies, here is the horrible, horrible SOUNDTRACK.  For those of you who are dying to add it to your crap cowllection, good luck, it is happily out of print, but you can always find someone selling it way overpriced on Amazon.  Setting yer moolah on fire would be a better use of your hard earned weregeld.  For the truly insane, git your album and cassette versions of the stinky soundtrack HERE.  And because we know you want to sing the vomit-inducing ballad “Cassie” over and over again, here are the mid-numbing LYRICS. And for you guitar players, here are the CHORDS.   And finally, if yer thinking about raising the dead with a copy of the lame 2 chord ‘resurrection moosic’, we’ve thoughtfully provided that for you too HERE.

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Well, we’re not sure things can get much worse here at Indie Film Cafe, but if the MooCow can find something ever moore horrible, you can bet he will share it with the world!

:=8D

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I can’t wait until I finally turn 12 so I can marry Jessie!
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Episode 24: The Karaoke Kid

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Welcome, my friends, back to the Seaververse, where we al well and truly belong.  Yep, Indie Film Cafe is back with an-udder Low Budget Pictures joint up in yer grill, and while there is no Teen Ape, Mulva, or even a Bonejack to be had there is still the man himself, Chris Seaver, and that, my friends, means wacky shenanigans of the moost cromulent kind.  Young, erstwhile AJ Stubbone (Sean Green) mooves to Wellsville and meets the snuggly Becky Nippleton (Heather Maxon), and is forced to fight a MULLET-WEARING KARAOKE BULLY (as you do) named Ricky the Gooch (Johnny Lawrence), but only after he becomes the titular character, with a little help from the Teen Ape guy (Casey Bowker) and John Stamos.  And its as ridiculous and fun and over the top and full of potty humor as you might expect from the Seaverage.  Check out Indie Film Cafe’s second podcast episode of Season 2 to hear our thoughts!

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BEWARE THE RAGING MULLET!!!

This one is tough to find, friends, because, as it is about karaoke, and therefore full of cheesy moosic, LBP made the flick in 2005 without securing the rights to said moosic (because, you know, monies…), and so it was never released – in fact, its not even on Seaver’s IMDB page, its as though it never existed!  But the MooCow is here to tell you that this flick does indeed exist, and if yer really lucky you might be able to get a copy from the man himself, Chris Seaver, ’cause that’s about the only way you’ll see this silly 80’s parody.  Shame, because for those of you familiar with the Seaververse (and you all should be), this is kind of a watershed film for LBP as it is the first major lead roles for Green and Maxon, PLUS early roles for LBP regulars Jesse Ames and Josh Suire – in fact, this is ol’ Toblerone’s first moovie!  But be prepared, kids, there is an awful lot of Hall & Oats…  :=8P

 

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Yeah, there is just whey too much singing…

To be honest, both of us have enjoyed other Chris Seaver moovies a bit moore than Karaoke Kid – but if you are a cowpletist, like us, you’ll wanna check it out anyway because it is ultimately worth it.  Besides, it has Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman in it too!  The MooCow awarded the moovie a solid 6.5, while Moody gave it a 7.0, for a total stink score of 13.5.

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Well, for a moovie as rare as this yer not gonna find much out there by way of trailers – cowever, the wily MooCow did manage to find THIS on the Tube of You.  And we wish we cud bring you linkage to where you cud git yer hooves on a copy for your very own, but it ain’t gonna happen, kids, not for all the Teen Ape masks in Rochester.  But check out Seaver’s latest YouTube vids and grab some of his kewl Warlock Home Video moovies, they are totally worth it.

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You should be so lucky to see this wacky film!
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Episode 23: Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs

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Welcome to Season 2!!!  To get the new season off on jut the right foot, those wacky kids at Indie Film Cafe dug up a real stinker from the Land Down Udder – Actium Maximus: the War of the Alien Dinosaurs.  Well, it’s moore like the War of the Poorly Cowstructed, Unintelligible Puppets.  This massive cow flop was written, directed, produced, shot, and starred one Mark Hicks; originally it was meant to be an introduction to a science fiction tv series, but ended up being released by those nutsy guys at Troma (always the mark of quality) as a feature-length moovie, unintelligent puppets and all.

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Rahhh, I’m a Dinosaur!  Or a Pancake Dripping with Syrup.  Or sumthin’…

So, there is this box evil box who rules the world called Actium who runs a huge puppet theater with dinosaurs with pointy rock people and a bunch of garbled voiced puppets who need moore huge critters, so they send out Mark Hicks into some galaxy where he finds a huge model spaceship with the interior of a modern battleship that turns out to be the corpse of a god, errr sumthin’, we honestly have no idea what the blazes is going on.  Suffice so say the whole herd nearly torn the spots off their backs trying to figure this one out – check out the Indie Film Cafe Season 2 Episode 1 podcast, and see if you can make heads or tails of things…

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Rahhh, I’m a Box!  Or a Evil Robot Overlord.  Or sumthin’….

Wow.  First episode of Season 2, and we’ve already got 9.5s from both Moody and the MooCow. Just Jenn found out what was playing, and ran away and hid so she didn’t have to see it.  She’s the smart one of the group.  Anycow, first episode in and we’re already in the deep, deep end of the Stink Pool, and our average Stink Score is a 9.5!

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A trailer?  Really?  You really wanna go there?  Fine, here’s your trailer of this dumpster fire, you freak!  And for you serious masochists out there, you can buy this flick, on a double shot dvd with Star Worms II, right from Troma Films itself HERE.  You can also buy it on Amazon.  Somecow there is even a fan page on the Facebook.  If yer dying to hear the snazzy moosic from the film (and who isn’t?), as well as pictures, check this VIDEO out on Youtube.  Get yourself a spoon and suck up every last tiny morsel of stink…

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Really, you BOUGHT this film???!!!???

Well, don’t say you weren’t warned!  And tune in next episode of Season 2 of Indie Film Cafe: we can;t promise you moore garbled dinosaur puppets, but we will find something stinky to tickle your funnybone…
;=8)

 

 

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Episode 22: Thankskilling

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Well, if yer looking for an evil killer turkey puppet moovie (and who isn’t), Thankskilling might be your go-to gobbler, ’cause this is one fowl flick that’s all meat AND a side of mashed potatoes!  Turkie stars as himself as the bad-pun spinning, sheriff-face wearing, Flashy-chopping, salad-tossing turkey puppet avenger, out to kill a bunch of the dopiest false teenagers in the ‘burbs!  This is one weird and wonderful stinkbomb, folks – check out the Season 1 Finale of Indie Film Cafe to see who flew the coop, and who demanded seconds!

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Soooo, let’s see, there’s murder, of course, including fog-murder, urination, pointless boobery, joke repetition, turkey puppet rape, attempted turkey butt molestation, some fake turkey turds on a chest, a floating roast turkey animated sticker, a truly awkward coffee scene between a turkey puppet and a guy dressed as a turkey, a schmarmy bro-love song, and a turkey wearing a human face as a mask with rope tied around it – and no one recognizes him.  This moovie is nothing if not stunning in its verisimilitude.

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Dude, don’t eat that…

Well this moovie helped Season 1 go out with a bang!  Jenn and Moody cudn’t help themselves but give scores of 9.5 on the Stinkometer, while the MooCow was a tad moore generous with a score of 9, giving Thankskilling a whopping 28 Stink Score!  That’s right there with Birdemic – it moost be a bird thing!

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Enjoy the trailerage HERE.  Watch it on the Tube of You HERE, or git yer hooves on copy at Amazon.  Or splurge and get the combo pack of Thankskilling and Thankskilling 3, the Complete Collection, also at Amazon – and OHHH YESSSS, we will be covering Thankskilling 3 in the very near future!  And remember, all this whackadoodle fun comes from the mind of Director Jordan Downey – check out his Mandatory interview HERE.  And, there’s now a musical, because of course there is!  Finally, you can get yer very own tee shirt of Turkie right HERE, because why on earth would you not??

Well, that’s it for Season 1, we’ll have a short wrap-up episode to discuss what we’ve learned this year, and maybe drop a hint or two about what’s to come for Season 2 in 2019 – so check us out at PodBean to see what fowl gobbler we’ve seen next!
;=8)

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Episode 21: Santa’s Slay

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He’s making his list, and he’s checking it twice, he’s gonna kill everyone, naughty AND nice!
:=8D
Yes, nothing says home for the holidays quite like a homicidal axe-murdering demon Santa riding a Viking longboat-sled pulled by an enormous furry hell beast bison.  Just like Dr. Seuss and Charles Dickins wrote!  Bill Goldberg plays the aforementioned Kris Kringle demon from hell, cranky from 1000 years of kid’s letters begging for toys, and so he returns to Hell Township to give the pasty-faced denizens what-for, and the likes of Fran Dresher, James Caan, Rebecca Gayheart, Dave Thomas, and Saul Rubenik get turned into lumps of coal.  Fortunately, our two young friends, played with aplomb by Douglas Smith and Emilie de Ravin, with a little help from an angle played by Robert Culp (if you can believe that!) finally saves Christmas and the day!

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Uhh, Dave Thomas, this is NOT the ride you want!

if you have the Christmas blues, or are just a Grinch at heart, you’ll cheer on Bill Golberg‘s slayin’ Santa – check out what the Indie Film Cafe folks had to say about this one on their latest PODCAST!  Right from the demented opening you know yer in for a treat.  And there’s even some hot and heavy curling action!  And YESSSS, we know we should have saved this moovie for December, but who doesn’t like to have a peek at their presents a bit early?
;=8)

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I think the kids liked their gifts, Honey!

Overall, the Indie Film Cafe kids thought Santa’s Slay wasn’t too naughty or too nice: Moody gave it a 3, while Just Jenn and the MooCow tossed in 6’s, putting this holiday holocaust at 15 on the Stinkometer – which is middle of the pack!  That’s an average Stink Score of 5!  Not too shabby!

Stinky Score 5

Trailer, right HERE.  Enjoy the Alice Cooper hairspray-N-spandex metal theme song for the moovie HERE.  AND enjoy the kewl Futurama version HERE.  Want the DVD nooch?  Get it at Amazon.  And Target.  And Wally World.  There’s a fun little article HERE about cow Bill Goldberg met his wide on the set of the moovie!

Just one moore moovie to go for Season One – I wonder what it cud beeee??

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if you thought Santa was rough, wait ’til you get a load of MY tail feathers!