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Episode 103: Pocket Ninjas (1997)

Hey everyone! Jonathan Moody back here again! This time we are here to talk about Pocket Ninjas. Yes you read that right…. Pocket… Ninjas… sadly disappointed it wasn’t Ninjas that could fit in your pocket but knowing a little bit about this flick I knew It was more or less a 3 Ninjas rip off. And we had to do it in the studio (Well in this case in Paul’s new house) and we had to find some poor soul to watch it with us so we decided to bring in poor Lenore Miller for the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe!

Yes Lenore was back this year when she was visiting VA. We suckered her in to watching Turkish Star Wars which she actually fell asleep to. But did she fall asleep to Pocket Ninjas…No! She was probably very close. She did look pretty bored at times. But at least she stuck through it. Pocket Ninjas was a disaster of a movie. Not the worst thing we’ve ever seen by far but not the greatest either. It was pretty stinky. When you understand that the original director was fired and the other director seem to mesh with what the original director wanted to do (And I think they even brought in one more director to clean it up) it just becomes one incoherent mess

When the original director is our buddy Donald G Jackson you can def see his stamp of quality on the film, mainly with the kids. And his beautiful cinematography choices of showing the lens hood. This movie is no Rollergator – hell its no Baby Ghost either! But the shots Donald did are by far the best of the film. The shots done by the other directors including weird Robert Z’Dar scenes involving a video game and him being another character in the real world. The random montages that just keep happening and go on an on and on… make the movie drag to the point where I’m like why couldn’t ya just keep Donald! 

Lenore was in to it a lot more than I expected. She did find a lot of fault in it but we all did. It was not a movie that can be viewed as even competent. I first heard of this movie when Paul had a poster of it on our wall. I looked in to it and really wanted to do it. This is a movie that Paul knew way more about and has most likely seen way more than I probably ever will. He loves to torture people with bad movies. I don’t feel the same way! All in all this movie was terribly stinky but it gave us a great episode.

The score are in: Lenore was the first one up and though she thinks its a pretty stinky she seemed to like it more than Paul and I did. She gave it 7.5. And I wasn’t as particularly nice and I gave it a 9. And Paul went a step below and gave it a 8.5 making it a total of 25, which puts it with Alien Beasts, Ankle Biters, Cat Women on the Moon, Darkwolf, and Prehistoric Bimbos From Armageddon City. That’s a Stinky Average of 8.3! Boy is that interesting group of movies! 

Well that’s it for me! Paul will be taking over and telling ya fine gents and ladies where you can find this stink bomb!

Moo everyone! Git yer Pocket Ninjas trailerage right HERE. See the whole moovie for free on Youtube! Oh, so you want a physical copy that you can hold and caress to enjoy all that stinky badness? Well, yer in luck because Uncle Amazon has it on dvd for you! And also Oldies.com! And you can find it on Ebay too. I even found a vhs copy on Listia! It seems pretty unlikely that this feeble flick will ever see the light of day as a Blu ray, but should it happen you will know about it here first! Trust me, there is not a lot of Pocket Ninja swag out there, I know huge surprise, but you can download the digitals of two different posters on GoldPoster.com, and, ummm, that’s about it.

For unbridled failure, few flicks can top Pocket Ninjas, but you can’t blame poor Donald G. Jackson for this one!
;=8)

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Episode 102: Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Wild Bikini Girls on Happy Pills Thwart a Mad Doctor From Blowing Up the World With an Atomic Hearing Aid, er something like that, I don’t really know…
:=8/

If you dare, join Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host Just Jenn (back for moore!) as they suffer – and I mean SUFFER! – through this ridiculous, wackadoodle flick on the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe! Oh god, so much dancing!!!

AKA: She Was a Hippy Vampire. No, she really wasn’t. :=8/

Oh the pain, the agony of this moovie. Truth be told, there really is no plot to this movie, just a bunch of scatterbrained beach bimbos, brain-dead masked villains, mad doctors with smarmy chimp-like assistants, and one creaky, dust-covered Batwoman (Katherine Victor), all ground together into one hopeless mish-mash of a movie. Legend has it that this movie was sued both by the Bat Man people (for obvious reasons) and by Ray Dennis Steckler – the villain is a masked doofus named Rat Fink, and it apparently ripped off the legendary Rat Pfink A Boo Boo. To say nothing of the TV series Bat Man!! A moovie that uses Rat Pfink A Boo Boo as it’s material source?!?!?!??? That does not bode well, and indeed, the film is an incomprehensible cow flop. Welcome to the Wild World of Jerry Warren indeed!

What dialogue can be made out is usually stupid and delivered with mind-numbing mono-tones. And let’s just forget the hopelessly racist and unfunny fake Chinese seance. Special effects include a hair dryer used as a gun and wrist watches used as 2 way radios. Oh, and the bad guy becomes 5 bad guys for a while, and the Mole People drop in for a while, there’s a jangly Whitest People Ever beach party, and the bikini girls dance lethargically in the background for no apparent reason, and I could go on and on and on, much like this movie does. Moost of these folks, including Bat Woman herself, end up on Warren’s even-worse stinker Frankenstein Island, against which this miserable floppage would be cowsidered Citizen Kane. For you MST3K fans, this is the infamous episode where poor Tom Servo looses his shit when the film refuses to end.

Well the scores are in, and suffice to say Wild World of Bawoman AKA She Was a Hippy Vampire got a pretty stinky score: The MooCow awarded a 9, and Just Jenn gave an 8, while Moody backed away from a 10 and settled with a 9, giving our feeble flick a total Stink Score of 26 – and that’s a Stink Average of 8.7! Pretty durn stinky, but then we have definitely smelled worse on this show! ;=8)

Check out the trailer HERE. And check out the moovie for free on the Tube of You! And definitely check out the hi-sterical MST3K version – pick up the dvd from good ol’ Uncle Amazon, or from Shout Factory.com! Get the standard version of the film on dvd from The Video Beat.com, or Sinister Cinema, or go the re-sale route with Ebay. You can get a copy of the wacky poster at MoviePosterShop.com or ArtHipo, or the B&W alternate poster at Cinematerial.com. For those of you with deep pockets, you can get an authentic 1966 poster for only $195.00 at Film/Art Gallery.com! Get the tee shirt at IDPoster.com, and some funny original Batwoman tee designs at HorrorFIlmTees.com. BTW, at IDPoster.com you can get all kinds of swag with the WWBW poster printed on it, from coffee mus to pillows, tote bags, magnets, face masks, hoodies, mouse pads, and even phone covers! Who wouldn’t love that?? :=8D

Go and check out the Wild World of Batwoman – you know you want to! ;=8)

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Episode 101: Disaster Wars (2013)

Hey everybody welcome to the next episode of Indie Film Cafe! This is your buddy Jonathan Moody here once again to talk about this movie I picked for the fifth season! In this episode we had to ask Jackey Hall to come back. I don’t know why she agreed after having watched the abysmal flick Midget Zombie Takeover with us but she agreed to come back anyway! God bless her soul! 

For this episode I wanted to do, “Disaster Wars: Earthquake VS Tsunami” which I had remembered wasn’t nearly as bad as it actually was. Bad is a bad word for it.. boring is a better word. It’s a disaster movie where nothing really happens. I mean things happen (I guess) but we couldn’t understand half of it! 

Slowest tsunami and moost boring in history….

The Story was a mash of different disaster movie cliches all melted in to one sort of glob of boringness. The FX if you can even call them that were also very terrible. The problem with doing a low budget disaster movie is if you can’t afford really good CGI then you probably shouldn’t do it. That was not the case with these filmmakers.

With a cast like Joe Estevez (whom we do like a lot of his movies), Pricilla Barnes, Reggie Bannister, and even Shawn C Phillips (who I feel was wasted in the film) they couldn’t save this flick from being it’s own disaster! Jackey, Paul, and I watched it through zoom and I thought all 3 of us were going to fall asleep. It was that bad! But I admire the filmmakers for at least trying to put out an indie disaster movie! 

REAL scientists nail clipboards to the wall!

Well the scores are in, and it looks like I hated it the worst out of all 3 of us. I gave it a 10. Paul was a bit nicer with a 9. And Jackey has definitely seen worse films as she rated it a 7, giving the movie an 8.7 on the Stinkometer! There ya go! A total Stink Score of 26, which is the same score as Miami Connection. Weirdly enough, Miami Connection was the first 26 we had ever gotten on the show. So already we got 2 this year. Wonder how many more we’ll get? Guess we’ll just have to wait and find out!

 Join us later for the next episode which will be the 100th episode and Paul will be talking about that one. Speaking of Paul here he is to tell you more about where you can find yourself a copy of Disaster Wars! 

MooCow here – well, if you really want to see Disaster Wars, aka Stormageddon, the trailer is HERE. And you can watch it for free on YOUTUBE. It also lurks on VUDU, Flixter, and also on Google Play. On Amazon you can stream it, buy the dvd, or the blu ray. Get ’em cheap on re-sale at Ebay. The poster, which might be the best thing about the moovie, can be found at Cinematerial.com. Download the digital at Goldposter.com. That’s about it for the merch and/or schwag, although the MooCow does have to admit that he loves the moovie’s tagline: Which ever one wins. We lose. Oh cow right you are, tag line!
:=8P

Ugh, its been hours, is it ever going to get here???

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Episode 100: Samurai Cop (1991)

Hey everybody welcome to Indie Film Cafe’s 100th episode (on the website) – its Jonathan Moody giving my blog! However this isn’t the actual 100th episode; that will come in 2 more episodes. This is the 100th on the website. Paul the Moo Cow kinda messed up on it. He blames Continuity Monkey though… shhh… we all know it was really T&A Monkey that screwed it all up, that funky monkey!

So since Paul was going to do the real 100th episode I got asked to do this one: and I wanted to pick a movie that’s very popular in its stink. I chose… Samurai Cop! And I had to pick a special guest that loves this movie so much, so I picked… Cayt Feinics! Cayt has been a special guest last year on Killer Biker Chicks. And I’m sure she will be back this year for some more as well.

I am Long Hair Punchy! He is Short Fro Shooty! Fear us!

This movie is utterly ridiculous! With a cop character with long hair (I don’t think that’s actually okayed in the police departments) and the actor after wrapping cut his hair so they had to get a silly wig. And the best part is you can see the wig in the same scenes as the regular hair. We go in to a good amount of detail in this episode. This has to be one of Cayt’s favorite’s movies. She was really having a ball chatting with us about everything. The characters, the story, the just plain nuttiness of this flick is so much worth watching.

This movie has been talked about on Rifftrax, Red Letter Media, Cinema Snob, pretty much every outlet. Generally movies like this would go on our Patreon Only site, but I figured since it will pop up saying Episode 100… it needs a classy movie! And this as classy as it comes! Stay tuned for the actual 100th episode that Paul picks because it’s going to be a fun one!

Well the scores are in and it looks like Paul and Jonathan both tied on giving it an 8.5 which is a big pile of stink, while Cayt loved this more and went lower giving it a 6. Making it a total of 23, and a Stinky Average of 7.7. That’s not too low but it ain’t too high either. Giving it the same score as Rollergator, Suburban Sasquatch, and Deadly Prey. Not too shabby on the Ladder of Stink!

Paul’s gonna tell you how you can get it!

Check out the official trailer HERE. Its streaming on the Tubi HERE. And you can check out the Rifftrax version on the Tube of You! DVDs of this flick are plentiful, and can be found on Amazon, including the Special Edition DVD! Is also at Walmart and Best Buy, and can be found re-sale on Ebay. Blu Ray versions can be purchased at Amazon, Best Buy, and Diabolikdvd.com. Redbubble has a pile of posters and tee shirts; there is also some fun stuff at Etsy! TeePublic.com has a bunch of tee shirts as well. Need a Samurai Cop coffee mug (who doesn’t??), go to NYVANE.com, Redbubble, and TeePublic! And yer life would not be cowplete without some kewl Samurai Cop toy mini figures from Snapp Fink Toys and Viktor’s Vintage. Long hair wig and flaring nostrils not included.

Thank you all for checking this post out!

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Episode 99: Die Hard Dracula (1998)

Well, folks, I’m afraid we can put it off no longer: we have finally come to Die Hard Dracula, and hoooboy, what a colossal stinker it is! Those of you hoping for Bruce Willis wearing a cape flying around Nakatomi Plaza are going to be sorely disappointed – although you do get to see a flying coffin! It doesn’t help. Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe with Moody, yer old pal the MooCow, and special returning guest JoLynn (Jo), as they suffer through this 1998 Euro-stinker in the worst way. Technical issue made the sound not so good, sorry, Continuity Monkey is gonna get right on that!

Whining doofus Steve (Danny Sachen) looses his girl friend when she dies in a lake water skiing because safety is for nerds; he goes to Prague to recover (as you do…), then goes sightseeing in Morovia, where he crashes his car, the locals make fun of him, and he falls for a local Euro-babe so lonely and desperate that even a schlub like Steve seems like an improvement. Cowever, the area is haunted by the weirdest Dracula ever (played by 3 different actors), and scene-chewing Van Helsing (Bruce Glover, the only name in this flick!) have to duke it out, amidst blue vampire lightning, vampire fireballs, and a plethora of bad acting and special effects. And in the end it was all just a dream. Or was it?? Who the heck knows, the whole herd nearly tore the spots off their backs with this one! :=8o And its like 90 minutes!!!

Yeah. Czech Director Peter Horak was a stunt guy, and his was his first and only directing assignment – AND he wrote it too. EXPLAIN YOURSELF SIR!!! :=8O
Why three Draculas?? Why such a wimpy non-hero as the lead?? Danny Sachen makes Birdemic‘s Alan Bagh look like Sir Laurence Olivier! Small wonder he did not make an-udder moovie! Uhh, why the poor editing, the day-for-night scenes, the Casio-inspired FX?? Ok, I know he did stunts for Throw Momma From The Train, but did he toss himself as well, and bonk himself on the head?? I guess we’ll never know. But the Indie Film Cafe kids had a field day with this one, especially the ‘twist’ ending that is one of the all-time groaners.

10’s from Moody and the MooCow, straight up. Jo was a little bit moore kind-hearted (and is still a bit shell-shocked from udder moovies we have tortured her with), and awarded this feeble flick a 9, giving Die Hard Dracula a total Stink Score of 29 – that’s a Stinky Average of 9.7! Soooooo close to Stinky Heaven!!! In fact, on the Ladder of Stink this moovie nestles up nicely along with Actium Maximus and Robowoman at 29.

Check out the official trailer HERE. Watch this stinker for free on YOUTUBE. Or stream it on VHX.tv. You can git yer hooves on a dvd copy for cheapsies at Amazon, or at Oldies.com, Walmart, Target, Barnes & Noble, or for re-sale on Ebay. It is also part of a two-fer dvd, along with Girls’ Night out, if you can find it. Oldies.com has the kewl poster (the coolest thing about this moovie!). Or u can download a digital version of a less-kewl poster at MoviePosterDB. Tee shirts can be found at HorrorFilmTees.com (two even!). I Hope You Suffer podcast covers this flick as well, and they weren’t too kind about this flick either.

All in all, Die Hard Dracula is a fun, though feeble, vampire flick that will just drive you to drink…wine, or blood, or anything get the memory erased from your skull! Czech it out!
;=8)