writing – The Indie Film Cafe Movie Reviews!

Well, kids, time to step into the Way Way WAYYYYY Back Machine, all the way back to a post-apocalypse 1986 for classic 1986 whackadoodle action-packed sci-fi fantasy thriller called Roller Blade, and boy howdy what a moovie it was! We’ve got skater punks, switchblade-slashin’ chicks, Shakespearian-dialogue spoutin’ heroes, Smiley Face magic, naked chicks wrapped in tin foil, a lil tyke who can’t skate, and an evil puppet overlord – so you KNOW this is gonna be a fun time! Check out Moody, the MooCow, and special guest co-host, the wonderful, beautiful, and talented Ms. Jessa Flux for the latest and possibly greatest episode of Indie Film Cafe – SKATE OR DIE!!!! :=8O

So, the Cosmic Order of the Roller Blade, which is a bunch of chicks dressed up as nuns, are fighting an evil overlord of skater punks and street trash, named Dr. Santicoy, along with his lil puppet henchman (Baby Saticoy) who loves to strip tin foil off of naked chicks (I mean, who doesn’t?): bad girl Shaun Michelle (80’s porn star of such films as California Valley Girls and Flesh & Laces parts 1 & 2) is trying to infiltrate the Order to steal some secretes for Saticoy, but then runs afoul of good girl Sister Sharon (Suzanne Solari, UFO Secret Video, Hell Comes to Frogtown, Night of the Beast) who tries to change the bad girl for Mother Speed (Katina Garner, The Tomb Cannibal Hookers, Hack-O-Lantern), while weird loner Sam Mann (Hard Rock Zombies, Kill or Be Killed, Guns of El Chupacabra) mumbles incoherently and blows a harmonica. There’s a whole lotta fightin‘, slashin’, skatin’, and tops coming off as the futuristic fur hits the fan – will the evil Dr. Saticoy’s diabolical plan to take over the powerstation by blasting over to it on a rocket-propelled motorcycle actually work? Or will the intrepid and mostly topless hot switchblade nuns stop him? This cow ain’t tellin’, you will just have to see it for yourself!

Run little Chris, that’s not a nice puppet!!! :=8O

The sharp eyed will also see Jeff Hutchinson (Hell Comes to Frogtown, Commando Squad, Little Lost Sea Serpent ) as Marshall Goodman, Chris Olen Ray, Fred Olen Ray’s son and future producer and director of such films as Three Headed Shark Attack and Megaconda, in his acting debut, and scream queen Michelle Bauer (Trophy Heads, Demonwarp, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) as one of the Bod girls, and Crystal Breeze (an-udder porn starlet) as another Bod girl! Also, the sharp-eared ill notice that, ummm…this moovie was not sound-synched and had a LOT of ADR. In fact, moost of the voices came from different actors, to add to the fun and cowfusion, of which there are lots of both! Written and directed by the Michigan Maverick himself, Donald G. Jackson!

Mother Speed is going to spank you after class! Or something…

Well, the votes are in and the IFC kids think this one is fairly stinky – The MooCow went with a score of 6, Mr. Moody went with a 7, and a flummoxed Jessa Flux went with a score of 8, giving Roller Blade a total Stink Score of 21, which is a Stinky Average of 7.0! On the Ladder of Stink this moovie is tied with such stinky classics as Bride of the Monster, The Giant Claw, and Ship of Monsters – high praise in deed!

The trailer for this masterpiece can be found right HERE. Cheapies (CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!!) can find this flick for free on Youtube or from Scott Shaw’s youtube channel. But if you wanna buy it, well its a difficult find – a VHS copy can always be found on Ebay, but udder than that good luck. You pretty mooch need to buy it at Scot Shaw’s Zen Film DVD Shop, which is perfectly fine since the moolah goes right back to the artist, and in this case the artist’s estate which is now run by Scott Shaw. They were all for a time on Amazon Prime, but not at the mooment, but check again because you never know. Will there ever be a blu ray version of this moovie? God I hope so, but for now there is no official release. In the meantime, you can find various digital versions of the many posters for this moovie at Cinematerial.com. You can also find some fun reviews of this film at Bad Movie Review, Geek Legion of Doom, 366 Weird Movies, and 90 Lost Minutes. This is classic cheesy 80’s stink, my friends, no lot let this one escape your notice!
;=8)

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Episode 170: Sins of the Fleshapoids (1965)

May 30, 2025May 30, 2025 The MooCow

And finally the Indie Film Cafe kids have come to the end of Season 6, and we’re going out with a bang with the classic weird cult indie film from maverick moovie maker Mike Kuchar, yeah we’re talkin’ Sins of the Fleshapoids. WOW! This is certainly a…well, a moovie. So what exactly is a Fleshapoid, and why is dey so sinsful?? Well, stay tuned to the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe, wherein Moody, the MooCow, and long-suffering Just Jenn chop it up about this wild and weird mid-sixties udderground flick – check it out! :=8D

Absolutely no bees around my Queen B’s, please!

Its the weird, sexy robot revolution, 1960’s style, where humans in the very far future following a “Great War” are both lazy as hell and make extremely questionable fashion choices. They rely on their Fleshapoid andriod-robot thingies to do everything for them (ya know, kinda like white folks use brown folks today…), somewhere between slaves, servants, and/or tools – except they has feelings too, all of the feels, and when they get riled up, well, we’re not talkin’ Terminator terrors but there is a whole lot of weird helmet wearing goin’ on.

Behold! My futuristic Interpretive DAAAANCING!!!!

So, wherein Fleshapoid Xar, played by Bob Cowen (Attack of The The Eye Creatures, The Sky Socialist, The Devil’s Cleavage) – who is also the Narrator – revolts against his human handler to hook up with Melenka, a female Fleshapoid because, well, when a mommy fleshapoid and a daddy fleshapoid love each other very much….
Anycow, this does not sit well with Prince Gianbeno (George Kuchar, Mike’s director brother) and Princess Vivianna, played by Donna Kerness (The Naked and the Nude, Pussy on a Hot Tin Roof, Lust for Ecstasy, The Devil’s Cleavage), and things and stuff happen. Now, the Princess is a naughty little monkey because she has a secret lover named Ernie (and who doesn’t?) , forming a sort of weird mid century modern underground love triangle, but the Prince gets red hot about all this, so that Xar and Melenka have to kill them, and then have sexy robot naked time and produce a cute lil toy robot that wanders right the heck outta Melenka’s….ummm…Fleshapoid cave. The heck??? :=8o

Wow! If you like yer sci-fi sex romps to be cheap, weird, overly-stylistic, and with barely any nudity, but with robo-husbandry, then this strange little flick is right up your dark, scary alley. The visuals were at the same time dark and grainy and hard to make out, while also being vividly and jarringly super saturated with color; the moosic was interesting but also rather pompous and bombastic; the acting ranged from wooden to fairly cowvincing at times, and the direction just seemed a step up from yer typical Nick Zed cheap-o stinkfest at times, while at udder times there were some very interesting shot selections. There’s something here for everybody! Add in the fact that this moovie has a HUGE udderground following, to say nothing of a rather notorious campy reputation, this little gem of a moovie helps put the fartsy in artsy! And its under an hour long with no dialogue! :=8D

I must wear my Helmet of Fleshapoidery with pride, pride I say!

Well, the votes are in, folks, and Sins of the Fleshapoids comes in with a 6.5 from the MooCow, a 7.5 from Moody, and amazingly Just Jenn went with a 5! That gives this moovie a Stink Total of 19, which is a Stinky Average of 6.3. On the Ladder of Stink that score has it tied with Bigfoot Wars, which is quite interesting as it is the lowest scoring season ending moovie yet! You know that both Andy Warhol and John Waters loved this flick… ;=8)

Well, here is your weird trailer for a weird film. You can buy the DVD from Uncle Amazon right HERE. You can also order it from Re-Voir.com. You can also find it on the re-sale market at places like Ebay. You can check out a cheap, grainy version for free at the Internet Archive.com if you can’t buy yer own copy.

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Episode 167: Curse of the Snake Woman (2013)

February 10, 2025February 10, 2025 The MooCow

Moo everyone! So, who doesn’t wanna watch a moovie with archaeology, evil snake monsters, and strippers – ’cause I sure do!!! :=8D
And that’s just what the MooCow, Moody, and (via Zoom) our buddy Jessa Flux did, and boy howdy were there hisses, skins sheddings, and fangs bared for this one! Check out the latest episode of Indie Film Cafe for all the yappin’ and a’ yammerin’!

AH-HAAA!!! the REAL reason this moovie was made!! ;=8)

Soooo, this dope decides to rob the precious magical snake statue/charm/thingy from the local mooseum, but a fight ensures, he gets wounded, and immediately goes to the hospital to get stitched up. Oooops, I mean immediately heads over to the local strip joint (The Garden of Eden Gentleman’s Club) to get hammered. You know, as you do. Well, during the course of all this hammerin’, dude ends up dead, a stripper ends up being possessed by a snake demon (again, as you do…), and then there is a lot of dancin’, snake bitin’, bewb showins, and udder assorted hijinks that make B moovie just totally worth watching!! Eat that, boring Disney!!! Also known as Snake Club: Revenge of the Snake Woman, because one title was not enough!

Oh David Palmieri, you’ve graced us with B moovie stinkage a-plenty, including the likes of Dark World, Axegrinder, Captain Battle: Legacy War, and of course the previously covered Disaster Wars: Earthquake VS Tsunami, but this one might be the hammiest and cheesiest flick yet! David is a camera guy, director, and cinematographer who has worked on such TV shows as Son of the Beach, Lucifer, The Division, and Grey’s Anatomy, and worked on such films as Scary Movie 2, Mimic 2, Evil Alien Conquerors, and the Devil’s Rejects. So he is well steeped in stinky B moovie production! Joining him in this lark are Penthouse babe Veronica Ricci (Vampire Club, Ouija Nazi, Another Super Hero movie, Nazi Dawn) as Trinity, the stripper who becomes the snake goddess critter; and also Nina Kate (Night of the Chupacabra, Hell’s Kitty, Alpha House) as Crystal, Vanessa Sheri (Alpha House, Bachelor Night, Batman: Anarchy) as Asia, and Tracy Carr (Vertical, Fat Planet, Vampire Club) as Karma. Ever notice there are no strippers named Betty or Gertrude or Patty? There are some dudes in this flick too, but who cares about them, right? ;=8)

Ok, so there is some boobage to view in this, which is odd since snakes are generally not equipped with them, or legs either, but nevermind; the ‘club’ looks like a barber shop with a pole stuck in the middle of it, and the snake/vampire FX don’t look particularly cowvincing, especially the teeth, but who cares this is just good old fashioned stinky b moovie fun! “I love it when a guy sprays all over my face!” was never uttered with such irony. Silly, ridiculous, over the top, and just plain fun!

Ummm, say you’ve got…you got something in yer….ummm…your…nevermind….

Ok, the scores are in, and all in all Curse of the Snake Woman scored pretty well, all things cowsidered: The MooCow went with a 7, Moody a 6, and Ms. Jessa gave it a 2.5, she seemed to really have some fun with this one. Maybe she ran in to a snake or two in her dancing days… Anycow, that’s a Stinky Total of 15.5, and a Stinky Average of 5.1, putting this moovie on the Ladder of Stink right next to Stiff Jobs!

Well, you gotst yer trailerage right HERE. And if you need it in Tamil, we we got THAT too! Also also in Kannada! And Telugu!! In fact, HERE is the whole moovie for free dubbed in Hindi! NOT to be cowfused with an actual Indian snake chick moovie in Hindi called Hiss – and don’t worry, we’ll be covering that one too! ;=8) Or the Snake Girl Chinese moovie which we will also also be covering! Ummm, or the crazy Nigerian Snake Girl moovie, which I hope we will be covering! What can I say, we likes our snake chick moovies here at IFC!

Tricky to find, you can buy a copy from an Italian moovie seller right HERE, but very few udder places. It is on Prime, and also on Tubi, but hardly anywhere to get a physical copy, which is a shame. C’mon Wild Eye, give us our snake moovie!!! :=8O
No schwag for this film, but we did find a review worth checking out from Horror Asylum for the moovie.

Tag: writing

Episode 175: Roller Blade (1986)

Episode 170: Sins of the Fleshapoids (1965)

Episode 167: Curse of the Snake Woman (2013)